Thrive Singles Podcast

How many times have you been told to just be yourself? That is pretty much standard issue advice from parents or best friends to people going on a job interview or a first date.

It’s great advice if you are well-groomed, well-read, well-mannered, and witty. If you are timid, ill-tempered, unkempt, and socially awkward it is the worst advice you could ever receive.

The Good: Freedom to be Who You Are

It is never wise and never worth it to put on a front for anyone.

My wife and I both came to a point in our single again years where we had enough of playing games. We were comfortable enough with who we were that we had no interest in changing for anyone. We summed up our attitudes with one sentence. You can love me or you can hate me, but do it based on who I really am.

At that point, neither of us was interested in putting on a mask to please someone else. Each of us could honestly say this is who I am. If you can love this person, great. If you cannot love this person, that’s great too. Better to find that out early in the process.

That’s Not Who I Married!

What good is it to have someone fall in love with some persona you adopt to attract them? Are you going to keep up that charade through months of dating, months of engagement, and decades of marriage? I’m thinking it might just change your relationship when a few years down the line your spouse finds out you are not the person they married.

Put that shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if the person you married turned out to be someone different from the person you dated? Actually, some of us have been down that road. It is no fun to wake up one day and realize you are not married to who you thought you married.

Your Core

If you want to thrive as a single and be successful at being yourself, first, know who you are. What do you stand for? Who are you at your very core? Are you introverted, artsy, outgoing, organized, spiritual, a nature lover, a modern urbanite, a cat lover, a dog person? Are you a Christian? The first step in being yourself is to figure out precisely who you are.

Growth

The second step is to figure out what you like and dislike about yourself. Then change what needs changing. None of us are perfect. We all have areas where we need to grow. We all have things to learn and put into practice. This should come from a careful self-examination or the advice of a trusted friend. It should not stem from trying to please someone you want to attract.

The Thing is, growth is a process. It will take time. It will take effort. The object is to become the person you really want to be. As long as we are alive, we should be growing, learning, and becoming.

No Matter What

Once you have figured out who you are and started growing into who you want to be, don’t change your core for anybody. It is never worth losing who you are to gain a new love interest. If they do not love who you are, what is the point? Just keep being you. Sooner or later you will find someone who loves you for exactly who you are.

Confidence

Few things are more attractive than confidence. Having the confidence to be who you are, no matter whose company you are enjoying, is very sexy. Confidence comes from figuring out who you are at your core, becoming the best you you can be, then being that person in all circumstances.

Once you know yourself, grow yourself, and become that person you should be, just be yourself is the very best advice you can receive. But, and this is a huge but, that is contingent on you first becoming the very best you you can be.

The Bad: An Excuse to Remain What You Have Been

Then,

Christian Atheist?

OK, first things first. What exactly is a Christian Atheist? At first, the term may seem like an oxymoron, but I know you can find many people in your own local congregation to whom the term applies. I know a few myself. In fact, I have been one from time to time and you probably have too.

I actually borrowed this term from Craig Groeschel’s book ¹“The Christian Atheist”. According to him, a Christian Atheist is someone who says they believe in God, but lives their day-to-day life as if they do not believe He exists – a practical atheist. You see, the issue is not what you profess, or what you claim to believe, or even what label you like to wear. The issue is – how do you live your day-to-day life?

Unfortunately, many Christians who lead otherwise pious lives seem to turn into atheists when it comes to dating. For some reason what they say they believe does not seem to work its way down into that extremely important aspect of life.

With that in mind, I wondered, how does that work for Christian Atheists who are single? What does it look like when a Christian Atheist dates?

If It Feels Good …

As a Christian, you were probably taught that sex outside of marriage is a sin. Christianity teaches that God’s best for your life means limiting sex to within the confines of a lifelong commitment solemnly affirmed before God and man in a marriage ceremony.

As a Christian Atheist, you may give mental ascent to the things your Sunday School teacher and pastor said. But let’s be honest, we’re only human. God knows we have certain urges and needs, right?

You can’t really expect two people to remain celibate in this age of hyper-sexuality. That goes double for divorcées accustomed to regular sex. Church and religion are fine, but don’t let them get in the way of your biological needs and deep emotional desires.

Trust Your Instincts

As a Christian, you were probably taught to seek God’s direction and godly counsel in your important decisions. And, since dating and marriage are serious matters, you should especially seek out divine wisdom in matters of the heart.

As a Christian Atheist, you understand that there is no need to call on some omniscient being or some spiritually mature advisor about who to date and how you should date. You are an adult. You know what is best for you. Your mind could never get clouded nor your judgment impaired by some pretty face or a sexual advance from some smooth talker.

Date Only Fellow Christian Atheists

As a Christian, you were probably taught that you should date other Christians. Ideally, this would mean real Christians who take their Christianity seriously. People who are careful to live out their beliefs.

As a Christian Atheist, you understand that people who take their religion too seriously will ruin your good time. Because of their extreme views, they are no fun and will be inflexible in areas where you have more freedom.

Instead, date fellow Christian Atheists. They better understand your lifestyle. And, they won’t bring up religious ideology at inopportune times, like when you are rounding second base.

What You Say vs What You Do

Having said all of that, let me ask you a few questions.

If someone who does not know you watched your behavior on a few dates, would they label you a Christian or a Christian Atheist?

If someone who does not know you took an objective look at your last relationships, would they label you a Christian or a Christian Atheist?

If someone who knows nothing about you was privy to all of your interactions with the opposite sex, would they label you a Christian or a Christian Atheist?

‘Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.’

—Charles R. Swindoll

Attitude is Important

Even if you find yourself single again or single a lot longer than you would like, there is one thing that will without a doubt never fail to increase your happiness. It is not marrying mister or miss right. It is not going on more dates. And, it is not even reducing the length of your single years. The thing that will decide your level of happiness is your attitude.

There will always be things in this life that are beyond our control. Bad things will happen. When they do, consider this quote.

‘The last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.’

—Viktor E. Frankl

This was spoken by a man, Viktor Frankl, who survived Auschwitz. If anyone ever had a reason to have a terrible attitude it was Mr. Frankl. Yet, even after the inhuman treatment he received and the barbaric behavior he witnessed, he chose to not let his circumstances determine his attitude.

Change Your Attitude

The easiest way to become happy while you are single, in fact, the only way, is to decide that you can be, deserve to be, and will be. Decide that neither your marital status nor any other circumstance will determine your happiness. Let me say that again. Decide that neither your marital status nor any other circumstance will determine your happiness. This is an important first step. You must believe that you can and will change your attitude.

Change Now,

Don’t Wait to be Happy When …

The thing is, too many people wait for someday, somebody, or something. But the reality is, no event, person, or thing can make you happy. So, why wait when you can just be happy now?

Instead, what happens is people wait and wait, and delay happiness until that glorious someday. At some point, they just might, actually, finally get the thing on which their hope of happiness has been clinging. All too often, that thing, person, or event turns out to be not all it was advertised to be. Or, it is awesome – for a while. The new boyfriend, new car, or vacation makes them happy – until it doesn’t. Then the newness wears off and they start looking for the next person, thing, or event to bring them that elusive happiness again.

Stop waiting. Just start. Now. Don’t wait for anything or anybody. Things, people, and events do not ultimately make you happy. An unhappy single person eventually becomes an unhappy married person if nothing changes on the inside. Happiness is a decision. Make a decision and start.

Gratitude

One way to a better attitude is through gratitude. Start being grateful for the things you do have. If you have your own place, you have running water, and you ate three meals today, then you are better off than most of the people on planet Earth. If you can walk, speak, hear, see, and read you have reason to be thankful. Simply having the mental capacity to ponder whether you have things to be thankful for is a reason to be thankful.

This is not to downplay the things that are going wrong in your life. Going through a divorce, a sickness, a financial setback, a breakup, or the death of someone you love is no small thing. It hurts. It messes with your psyche. But, even in the midst of those things, give yourself permission to enjoy any good things that do come along. Being grateful for any good thing, no matter how small, will help you develop a better attitude.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

You cannot maintain a good attitude while entertaining negative thoughts. You cannot stop negative thoughts from popping into your mind, but you do not have to make them coffee and offer them a Danish. Instead,

How To Be Attractive

Leading a singles group left me wondering about many things. This one, in particular always puzzled me. To me, it seemed like a big need in an important area. It was something that, as a single man, I worked hard on myself. Yet, for some reason, I never received many questions about it –  how to be attractive.

Perhaps, most of the singles there thought they were already very attractive. Or perhaps, they took one look at me and decided I had nothing to teach them. Or maybe, they were afraid to admit they needed help or afraid of what the answers might be.

However, I did a class on it anyway, and it was on of the best-received classes I ever taught. I did some local research and read some actual research and found they matched up pretty well. There are certain things that most people find attractive. I’m not going to try to cover everything today. This post will cover three key elements of being attractive.

These aren’t necessarily the top three ways to be attractive, but they are all important. Taken together, they are very helpful and have a nice alliteration – confidence, kindness, and conversation. I could have also added character, courage, and convictions, but I try to limit these posts to around one thousand words. There are also many others that don’t begin with a “c” sound. I’ll save those for other posts.

Confidence

Confidence ranks high on many lists of attractive qualities. I believe it would rank even higher if people realized that it is what attracts them to some people even though they can’t quite put a name to it.

In a previous post, I wrote about making a list. Confidence was not on my “must have” list of things I was looking for in a wife. But, it was most definitely one of the things that attracted me to Anita, who I ended up marrying.

When I described her attractive qualities, I said things like – I like the way she carries herself or she is comfortable with who she is. Even though I might not have used the word confidence, that was absolutely one of the things that attracted me to her.

True Confidence

I also suspect it would rank higher still if people truly understood what it is and what it is not. Confidence often gets lumped in with or mistaken for pridefulness, pompousness, or arrogance, but it is none of those things. In fact, people who are arrogant are, not always, but quite often overcompensating for a lack of confidence.

True confidence is not boastful. It carries itself with a dignity and a boldness that does not require boisterousness and bravado. When people carry themselves in a confident manner, others just find themselves attracted to them.

For me, confidence was one of those “fake it till you make it” skills. At first, I just did the things that confident people would do. While doing that, I also did the inner work it took to become more confident. Eventually, the work paid off. I did become more confident. It will work for you too if you give it a shot.

Kindness

It is amazing to me how many people overlook the simple concept of being kind. They will spend tons of money and do all sorts of ridiculous things trying to make themselves more attractive. But, they forget this basic yet amazingly attractive virtue.

True Kindness

And by kindness, I do not mean weakness. In fact, I would argue that to be truly kind you must do it from a position of strength. Real kindness does not stop you from doing what is necessary. Sometimes harsh things must be done or said. But, you can still do or say them in the kindest possible way.

The Siren Song of Our Time

Just like the Siren’s Song in Greek mythology lured sailors to their death, the alluring call of sexual temptation relentlessly entices men and women to their spiritual death.

A Powerful Force

Sexual temptation is one of the biggest things I dealt with when I became single again. As a formerly married man with a healthy sex drive accustomed to regular sex, being single was hard. I have a feeling I am not alone in this. The scriptures, a lifetime of anecdotes, and scientific research back me up here.

The sex drive is one of, if not the most powerful of our human instincts. People, especially men, will ignore hunger, thirst, or sleep to first satisfy their sexual urge. As far as we know this has always been, and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. The Apostle Paul wrote about temptation as being, as the KJV translates it, “such as is common to man.”

And it is indeed common. In fact, don’t count on it ever going away, even if you get married. Having a lifetime sexual partner does not mean sexual temptation will somehow disappear. The best thing to do is to learn to deal with it now while you are single.

See Sexual Temptation as the Enemy

‘God delivers us from our enemies, but He cannot deliver us from our friends.’ -René Monet (my pastor)

The first and most important step in overcoming sexual temptation is to see it as the enemy. See it as the evil, destructive thing it is. If you continue to see it as a minor nuisance or something that is okay to dabble in occasionally, you will eventually give in to it.

I cannot emphasize this enough – if you are going to stand in the time of sexual temptation, you must first see it as the enemy. And with this enemy, there is no room for compromise.

Don’t Give Yourself the Opportunity

One good strategy is to not give yourself the opportunity to fail. Don’t put yourself in a position where you can act on your impulses. Put appropriate guardrails in place. These impulses have brought down stronger people than you.

Yes, it would be great to once and for all become perfect and live impervious to temptation. But, until that happens, you need to have prudent guardrails in place to keep you from doing the things your urges say you need, but your conscience says are wrong. Decide beforehand what you will do. If you wait until you are in a sexually tempting situation to decide what you will do, you have already lost the battle.

In Case of Emergency – RUN!

’11 One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. 12 She caught him by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!’ But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.’ Genesis 39: 11-2 NIV

Even if you properly prepare, carefully plan, and consciously avoid tempting situations, you can still find yourself in circumstances that test your limits. The best advice I have if you find yourself in that position – do like Joseph did – RUN!

When his boss’s wife came on to him, *DANGER*DANGER*DANGER* – he did the godliest thing possible at that moment. He fled, made tracks, r-u-n-n-o-f-t, bolted, high tailed it, skedaddled – in other words, he promptly removed himself from possible disaster.

Be sure to put that tool in your emergency kit and break it out when necessary. Any good strategist will tell you, there is no shame in a well-timed, strategic retreat. Be wise enough to know when you need to withdraw and regroup.

Don’t Feed Your Mind Sexual Thoughts

I am reminded of two experiments. There was an experiment where people were divided into two groups. One was told to think about a white bear and one was told not to think about a white bear. After a five-minute period, both groups were told they could think about anything th...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. -Reinhold Niebuhr

Different People, Different Tastes

What do you find attractive? What does your best friend find attractive? Chances are there are some things that you both find attractive and some things one of you finds attractive the other does not.

No two people have exactly the same tastes in anything. This is especially true about who they find attractive and what they find attractive about them. Sometimes even when people agree that someone is attractive, they will disagree on what exactly it is that makes them attractive.

Some Things Are (Almost) Universal

There are some things (almost) everyone finds attractive. Almost all women want a husband who is slightly taller than them. Almost all men want a wife who likes sex – a lot. Almost all women want a man who can express his feelings to them. Almost all men want a woman who will not press them to express their feelings – ever.

And of course, (almost) everyone wants someone who is physically fit, mentally sharp, successful, admired by their peers, articulate, good in bed, makes lots of money, has a likable personality, looks good naked, cooks like their mom, and has a great sense of humor.

That’s not too much to ask – is it?

Some Things Are Very Individual

You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time. -Abraham Lincoln

There is a reason Baskin-Robbins advertises 31 flavors. There is a reason there are thousands of different cheeses, musical genres, models of automobiles, and shoe manufacturers. In fact, I recently came across an article titled 20 Great Shades of White Paint {and some to avoid}. Apparently, people can’t even agree on white paint!

There are over seven billion (7,000,000,000) people on the planet currently and each one has a unique combination of DNA, life experience, and heritage. This leads to billions of different styles, tastes, and preferences.

My point is – there will always be people who find you attractive and people who do not. You will not be equally attractive to a Country Music fan and an Opera fan. You will not be equally attractive to someone who prefers blue eyes and someone who prefers green eyes.

And that’s okay. With over seven billion people in the world, there are enough people out there who prefer someone like you to make it possible for anyone to find a match. This is true no matter how odd your combination of traits. I know, because I am a very weird combination and I managed to attract a mate.

Some Things You Can Change

First the good news – there are lots of things you can change about yourself.

For instance, it is never too late to become better educated. You can always, and should, read books, watch videos, and take courses to better yourself. This can trickle down into other areas. It can help you become smarter, more successful, and a better conversationalist.

And, the easiest and biggest improvement is to change your attitude. You can absolutely be more positive, loving, patient, and kind. Those changes are doable and (most) people find those things very attractive.

Remember, it’s never too late to get in better shape, develop your sense of humor, develop relationship skills, learn to handle money and time better, improve your grooming habits, perfect your personal style, and overall become more likable. As you change your mindset, gain knowledge and put it into practice, a better, more attractive you emerges.

Now, about being taller …

Some Things You Cannot Change

You do have a limited ability to change some things.

Purity and chastity seem rare in this permissive, anti-Christian era of brave new morality. But, you are not alone. Some of us still value such things.

THE Topic – SEX

This week I am writing about a topic that I may thus far have subconsciously avoided. It is surprising to me that I haven’t written about it yet because it is a subject that is very important to me, and always on the minds of most single people – sex.

For a lot of people, it is a drive more powerful than hunger or fame and fortune. In fact, I suspect that a lot of people seek fame and fortune, in large part, in the hope that it will lead to more sex.

Sex and My Singleness

I believe my avoidance of this topic is largely due to my feeling that I never quite mastered sexual purity. My singleness ended up a mixed bag. On one hand, I did stay sexually pure in the sense that I did remain chaste. I never had sex with anyone while I was single. Honestly. I know that seems absurd to many people in this modern, permissive, anti-Christian era of brave new morality, but in that area, I was able, through well-placed guardrails, to remain celibate through my second singleness.

I wish I could end my story there, but there is more to it. Though I was able to reign in my outward actions, my inner thought-life is another matter entirely. If I hold myself to Jesus’ stricter standard of not looking at a woman lustfully, I failed miserably.

Even worse, I have to admit to you that I went through two periods where I regularly viewed pornography. I could offer excuses like having an extremely strong sex drive, or desperately missing the sex I had before as a married man. Although those statements are true, the bottom line is – I knew better, yet I indulged in it anyway.

Now, I didn’t write that as the beginning of a true confessions/memoir blog post. I write these things to let you know that we all face the same struggles. None of us are immune from that which is common to man. No matter how spiritual or well-adjusted we seem on the outside, inside we all have areas of strength and areas of weakness.

Purity – Three Thoughts

So, all of that being said, what do I want you to learn from my story? Three things…

Celibacy

First off, I was able to remain celibate. So can you. But it did not happen by accident. It was by design. Because I knew this was an area of weakness, I put guardrails in place to keep me safely on the road and stop me from falling off the edge of the cliff.

One good guard rail: never, ever, be alone with someone of the opposite sex, especially at your place or theirs. It is safest to assume that you are capable of messing up and be extra cautious. This is much more judicious than assuming you can control yourself and giving yourself the opportunity to mess up. This may seem impractical or a bit overboard to some of you. But, it is a simple matter of whether remaining pure is important to you or not. Is this something you want to insure or just a high ideal to which you pay lip service?

Porn

Secondly, I was able to beat pornography. Please understand that I come at this from a Christian standpoint, so, this may sound a little spooky and overly spiritual for some of you. But honestly, this is what got me away from porn – I realized that to engage in porn I had to deliberately shut off my God-consciousness. Purposely stepping away from God’s presence was, in my eyes, too high a price to pay.

You see, porn is not ultimately fulfilling. Like so many Earthly pleasures, it leaves you wanting more and more. Whereas the presence of God always brings with it a peace, joy, and fulfillment that you cannot find in anything else. I could not continue to shut out the thing that brought goodness into my life for that which only left me wanting. Fully embracing the peace, joy, and fulfillment is a much better choice!

Please allow me, as a former, long-term, midlife single person, to give you, as a currently single person, a very important piece of advice – don’t be desperate!

Desperate Is Not Attractive

One of the biggest turnoffs for me, as a single man, was women who came off as desperate. Desperate is not attractive. Desperate says, “I have no game, I have no self-worth, and I have no options.” Instead of saying, “Love me for who I am,” it says, “Love me because I fear no one else will.”

Please marry me or I will die an old maid or a lonely old man is an offer most people will walk away from – at a fast pace – or maybe a jog or an outright run. Aside from Jesus Christ, no emotionally and spiritually healthy person wants to be or is capable of being your savior. That’s a load no mere human can bear.

Emotionally healthy, well-adjusted, and self-confident people, in other words, people worth marrying, are repulsed by it. However, some people will find it irresistible.

Desperate Is Attractive

So, who will desperate people attract? – other, unhealthy people – desperate people, codependent people, and predators. In other words, it’s attractive to exactly the wrong type of people, people you would never marry or even go out with.

Other desperate people will be attracted to you – because they figure they have a shot with you – because you’re desperate too.

Codependent people will be attracted to you because they are sure they can fix you and save you from your desperation and loneliness. Of course, they can’t. Those types of relationships generally end badly.

Predators will be attracted to you because they know that in your desperation you will overlook red flags that would scare off healthier, more confident people.

Desperate Leads to Bad Decisions

As I hinted in the previous section, desperation leads to bad decisions. It will lead you to date or even marry people you shouldn’t – and never would have before the desperation set in. Predators love finding and taking advantage of people in that condition. This could mean taking advantage sexually or it could mean taking advantage financially.

This happens often because a desperate person feels so lucky that someone pays attention to them that they overlook warning signs that healthier people see.

Desperation Leads to Settling

It also leads to another bad decision – settling. To paraphrase a popular quote: sometimes the minimally acceptable is the enemy of true desire. A person who feels they lucked out to have the attention of anyone will not wait for the type of person they truly want. Out of desperation, they settle for less than what they really desire or deserve.

Don’t Go There

And yes, it is hard to not grow desperate as the months and then years pass by. I know. I lived it and I battled through it. The thought that kept me scared straight, honestly, was the thought of marrying the wrong type of person and going through another divorce. In my mind, I was better off single than in a bad relationship.

I have seen people give in to the desperation and the outcomes have not been good. Too many attractive, genuinely nice people end up getting hurt because they get tired waiting and get desperate. Don’t let that be you!

Thriving While Single

Learn to Thrive

The best way to avoid that is by learning to thrive as a single person. That’s what saved me from major relationship mistakes. That’s why I offer all the material you find on this blog – to help you thrive and avoid the pitfalls of single life.

Build A Good Life

By thriving, I mean I built a life that I enjoyed so much that I would not give it up for just anybody. Don’t get me wrong, there were times that I had to act well-adjusted and content even tho...

Make a List, Actually Two

How do you know if someone is the type of person you should marry? How do you know if someone is the type of person you should go on a date with? It’s pretty simple really. It depends on what you value. Check your list.

I received a lot of good advice as a single person. I also received a lot of bad advice, but I am saving that for another post. One of the best pieces of advice came from multiple sources. I believe the first time I saw it was in a book I highly recommend called Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud and John Townsend(1). My wife also received very similar advice in a book she read called Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw(1), another book I highly recommend.

The best advice I received as a single person? Make a list. In fact, make two lists. Make a list of things you must have in a spouse and make a list of things you absolutely will not tolerate in a spouse. Then, no matter what, do not deviate from your list.

Check It Twice

The most important thing about your list is that it has to be very thoughtfully created. In crafting it, you should do some soul-searching and decide what is truly important in life. If your list is shallow and consists of mostly physical and financial qualifications it will be less than useless. Instead of leading you to Mr. or Ms. Right it will lead you right back to the same sort of mistakes that have left you broken hearted before.

In making your list, be honest with yourself. In the process, you may come to understand that your priorities need some adjusting. You may realize you keep dating the wrong people because you are idealizing the wrong things. Maybe it’s time to start valuing what is truly valuable.

What are the qualities that make a relationship work? Perhaps honesty, trustworthiness, and godliness should trump she’s cute or he drives a Mercedes. Maybe kind and good-natured is better than he’s six-foot tall or she looks great in yoga pants.

Naughty or Nice

Another important thing about your lists is that they are not too – not too short or too long, not too stringent or too relaxed, not too rigid or too flexible, not too general or too detailed, and not too unrealistic.

From what I have read, and from making my own list, it seems that ten items, give or take a few, is optimal for each list. Some people have too few and leave out some very important things. Other people go to the alternate extreme and end up with a list so long and specific that it could not possibly describe any real live human being.

List One: I Must Have

Okay, let’s start with list number one – things I must have. I suggest doing a little research first into what traits lead to strong relationships. And that doesn’t necessarily just mean internet research, you could also speak to happy couples and see what qualities they value in each other that help keep their marriage happy.

Of course, the tendency of many people is to overly value physical attributes and financial assets and put too many of those things way too high on their list. Frankly, there are a lot of very good-looking and rich people fighting over child custody and spousal support every day. That is not what keeps a marriage happy.

That being said, as in most things,

The Myth of “THE ONE”

There is a myth that is largely regarded as a fact by many. It has been circulating widely for millennia, mainly through overly romantic stories. Even before there was an internet its tendrils had already woven their way into the very fabric of society. From children’s fairy tales to big budget movies, it is ubiquitous.

Those who perpetuate this myth do not do so out of any evil intent. In fact, I believe that for the most part, they do so in an effort to bring hope to the heartbroken and the lonely. People talk about it, sing about it, and create all manner of artistic expressions around this seemingly helpful but none-the-less insidious lie – you will be happy when you find “THE ONE”.

Myth: There is one person out there, somewhere, just for me. If I find that special person, my life will be complete. We will ride off into a blissful “happily ever after”.

Okay, how many divorcees reading this believed that your spouse was “THE ONE” when you got married? Me too! I bet she also thought I was “THE ONE”, at least for a while. Then she evidently decided I was not.

Bunk

So apparently, judging by the number of divorces and unhappy marriages, there is no sure-fire way to tell when you find “THE ONE”. Or, maybe the whole concept is just bunk. Maybe there is nobody on the face of this planet who can come into your life and make it all better. That sounds like a description of God, not any mere mortal – despite how attractive and/or well off they may be.

Wasted Years

Some people waste years or even decades searching for happiness. They look for it in a thing they can buy, beg, borrow, or steal. They look for it in an experience that is exciting, emotional, sensual, expensive, esoteric, or even drug-induced. Often they look for it in romantic relationships. No matter where they search, happiness eludes them. It is always either tantalizingly just outside of their grasp, or they find it, but find it to be short-lived. Then they begin the search all over again for the next thing, the next thrill, or the next “THE ONE”.

The Truth

I eventually remarried. I love my wife. She is wonderful, I make sure I remind her of that fact often, but she is not perfect. Which is cool because neither am I. If she were perfect this would never work because then she could expect me to be perfect, which will, of course, never happen.

The thing is, we did not make each other happy. We were both happy before we got married. Now, I like to think that I do things that add happiness to her life, but I cannot make her happy, at least not long-term, because I am flawed. She is too. So is everyone you will ever meet.

The truth is, you will never find that perfect person. Everyone you ever have any type of relationship with will disappoint you or cause you unhappiness at some point. And, surprise, surprise, you will do the same to them. Despite your and their best efforts and intentions, it is inevitable. There will be hurt feelings, there will be misunderstandings, and there will be disagreements.

Storybook Endings

There is a reason most movies and books end at or shortly after that thrilling, long-anticipated moment when the hero and heroine finally discover that they are each other’s “THE ONE”. It leaves the myth intact. It leaves you feeling good, better than you would feel watching them two or three years later arguing over whether the toilet seat should be left up or down, or witnessing the tragic aftermath of some “bae, do I look fat in this?” incident.

There is no “THE ONE”

“THE ONE” is not out there somewhere waiting for you to find them. Just as there are no mermaids,