Thrive Singles Podcast

Outer beauty or inner beauty, is one more important than the other? Is attractiveness summed up by facial features, complexion, figures, and physiques? Can you use metrics like symmetry, the golden ratio, or symmetrical deviation from the average to determine a person’s desirableness? Or, is beauty something that comes from deep inside a person and works it way out?

Skin Deep Beauty

Let me say from the start that I fall firmly in ‘beauty comes from within’ camp. But, that doesn’t mean that you are free to neglect your outward appearance.

The woman I married has a beautiful soul, but, honestly, I would never have taken the time to find that out if she wasn’t attractive outwardly. People will rarely look past mismatched outfits, straggly hair, and bad breath to see if there could be a beautiful person underneath. They will assume that outer ugliness is a direct result of something not right on the inside.

Inside and Out

So, to me, the key is to first make sure you are a person of beauty on the inside. Then, make sure that beauty manifests itself on the outside.

Since I am a Christian and I know a lot of you are Christians, let me deal with an often misunderstood scripture.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. – 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV)

Peter is not saying that your outward appearance doesn’t matter. He’s not saying it’s wrong to patronize a hair salon or wear jewelry. What he’s saying is true beauty comes from the inside.

And the great news is that your inner beauty doesn’t diminish as you age. Parts of your physical body are susceptible to aging, solar radiation, and gravity. Things start to droop and sag and wrinkle. Hair turns gray or turns loose.

But, age has no effect on things like kindness, gentleness, and faithfulness. Those are things gravity has no effect on. They are also things that you have the ability to develop and that God and men value.

Actually, I should have said that God and most men value those things. Some people do judge strictly by appearance and don’t value the truly valuable things. Who needs them? Don’t waste your time with those type of people.

The Outside

As I pointed out in this post from May 2017, the thing about outward beauty is that you have only a limited ability to change your outward appearance. You can change your face and body somewhat.

Your Face

You can exfoliate, moisturize, and wear sunscreen. on your face. You can learn to use makeup better. And, anyone can learn to use proper eye contact and smile genuinely. Never underestimate how much more attractive you are when you flash an appropriate, genuine smile.

And, if you have the budget and are really desperate, I suppose you could you could try plastic surgery.

Your Body

Through exercise and good eating and sleeping habits, you can make the best of your body. You might not turn your apple shape or a pear-shape, like mine, into a manly V shape or a perfect feminine hourglass shape, but, there’s still a ton of value in exercising, eating well, and sleeping enough.

Those things allow you to make the most of the body you do have. And, they promote good health which is attractive and helps you feel more confident, which is also very attractive. When it comes to your face and your body, do what you can, and don’t waste time worrying about what you can’t change.

Your Clothes

You can also dress to emphasize your strengths and diminish your weak spots. Let me give you two little tips about clothes.

How old is too old to be attractive, date, marry or remarry?

Too Old?

Where exactly is the cutoff age? I could just as easily have titled this post ‘Fifty-Something and Single’, ‘Sixty-Something and Single’, or even ‘Seventy or Eighty-Something and Single’. Divorce or death of a spouse can happen at any age. Then the question arises, am I too old to remarry?

What about you? Are you divorced later in life? Are you never married and entering your third, fourth, or fifth decade of life? Do you ever feel like you are too old be attractive to anybody? Do you feel like dating, love, and sex are for the young? And, where exactly is that dividing line between still young enough and too old? Forty? Fifty? Sixty? Seventy?

My Story

Let me start with a bit of my story.

It was when my ex-wife totally ignored my fortieth birthday that I knew I was in serious trouble. Shortly after that, she filed for divorce and I found out what had been going on behind my back.

So, there I was forty years old, not the best looking guy around, and reeling from the financial burdens that come with a divorce – basically, homely, broke and turning prematurely gray. Could anybody possibly be interested in someone like me?

Turns out, yes, even at my age, with my looks, and in my situation, some women still found me attractive. If you read this blog regularly, you know I have since remarried. Hopefully, you have also read my blog about the lies single people believe. In that post, I deal with the lies that you have to be extremely good looking or well-off financially to be attractive to the opposite sex.

Today, I want to deal with the myth that you have to be young to be attractive, find love, and get married. So, yeah, spoiler alert, for the most part, too old is a myth. You are not too old to find love.

Am I Too Old to be Attractive?

The short answer – no.

If you can still have good conversation, know how to make people feel good when they’re around you, still have your sense of humor, and are well dressed and well-groomed, you will still be attractive to a lot of people.

Now, if you’re fifty-something, you may not be attractive to that thirty-something-year-old who caught your eye. But, that’s okay. Go find attractive people of the opposite sex who are closer to your own age to hang out with.

If you’ve read my posts on how to be attractive, and you should, and there will be many more on that subject in the future, you know that everything I’ve written about being more attractive applies to people at pretty much any age.

Start with the basics. Keep active. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Dress appropriately. Stay well-groomed. Learn the art of conversation. Make people feel good when they’re around you. Give sincere compliments. These things make you more attractive and you can do them at almost any age.

Am I Too Old to Date?

The short answer – no.

If you’ve read this blog for a while, you probably know that I define dating as simply spending quality time with someone of the opposite sex.

How can you possibly be too old to meet someone somewhere and have a little good coffee and conversation or enjoy some other fun activity together? Most things are more enjoyable when you share the experience with a date.

So, if you can still get around okay and have the mental capacity for good conversation, why not go on dates? In my opinion, those types of dates make life better at any age. And, who knows, no matter what age you are you may find someone whose company you en...

Are You Thriving?

Let me ask you a question. Are you thriving? This question is especially important to those of you who, like me, went through a divorce. It is also important to those of you who have been single longer than you had planned. Have you learned to enjoy being and thrive as a single? Or, do you wake up almost every single day despising the fact that you are single?

Are you a single person who is trudging through your day and waiting and hoping to find that special someone? Or, are you thriving and living every day to its fullest? The answer to this question is important because it affects the quality of both your single life now and your married life later.

Single Again at Forty

When I found myself single again at the age of forty, I hated it. When I saw others remarry after their divorce while I stayed single year after year, I hated it even more.

But, by the time I remarried I had been thriving as a single again, long-term single adult for quite some time. It wasn’t that my situation changed and then my outlook got better. My attitude changed first, well before my situation changed. That timing is critical.

Thriving While Single

Makes Singleness Better

Hating being single will not get you married one moment sooner. You will be just as single for just as long whether you are or thriving or trudging. In fact, hating being single will drive you to make bad decisions and lead you to try to force things. It is usually the people in a rush to get into a relationship who make the biggest mistakes and suffer the most heartbreak.

Just Imagine

Imagine, just for a moment, that you can be happy while you are single. How does that change things? Could you maybe relax a little and not be so worried about when you will marry? Would it take some of the pressure to find somebody off of you? Could it make you more desirable as a date or as a spouse because you don’t come off as desperate or pushy?

Thriving and enjoying your life as a single person will improve your emotional health, your physical health, your datability, and your chances of having a happy marriage.

Once you can catch that vision of thriving as a single person, you can settle in and begin to make the changes necessary to be your best self. The goal of your life should not be to get married or even to be in a relationship. It is okay for a having a great marriage to be a goal, but not the goal. If your primary goal is to become the best you you can be, your secondary goal of being happily married will be a lot easier to reach.

Thriving While Single

Makes Marriage Better

I have said this in previous blog posts and I will say it again and again in future posts – your best chance of having a happy marriage is to first be happy as a single person. If you are unhappy as a single person, you will, more likely than not, be unhappy as a married person. Marriage does not cure unhappiness. It simply gives you a different set of things to be unhappy about.

But, if you and someone else go into a marriage as healthy, happy, whole, thriving individuals, you have an excellent chance of having a happy marriage. View your single years as a time to grow, mature, and become. This is the time to get deeply rooted and grounded. Then, when you get married you have the benefit of that growth and maturity to help sustain you in that relationship.

The work you do now as a single person will in large part determine your success as a married person.

Thriving While Single

Starts Now

If you are a struggling single, now is the time to change. Your attitude is the place to start.

Divorce Affects a Lot of People

Even though the divorce rate is considerably less than some misinterpreted statistics led us to believe a few years ago, it is still alarmingly high. In the United States alone, on the average, a divorce happens every thirty-six (36) seconds. That is over eight hundred thousand (800,000) divorces per year. So, a lot of us have been through it.

For most of us, divorce was easily the most painful thing we ever experienced. How can you recover from that level of shock and pain and begin to thrive as a single person? This is by no means a comprehensive plan, but here are four essential steps toward recovery.

Forgive

Hands down, the best thing you can do to recover from a divorce is to forgive your ex, yourself, and other people who hurt you or helped facilitate the divorce. This is much easier said than done. Doing so requires better understanding forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not excusing or trivializing the offense. It does not mean that what was done to you is okay. It means you were wronged but you choose not to waste your time and energy hating and seeking revenge on the person who wronged you. Forgiving also does not mean trusting that person again. Forgiveness is free and instantaneous. Trust has to be earned over time.

Your Ex

The obvious place to begin – forgive the main source of your pain. Forgive the very person who threw you world into chaos. Forgiving does not mean you condone or minimize what they did. They hurt you – badly. In fact, the need for forgiveness indicates a wrong occurred. If they did no wrong, they would have no need for forgiveness.

Though it could, it does not necessarily mean you should protect them from any negative consequences of their actions. They may still have to reap what they sow. However, it does mean that you do not go out of your way to cause them pain or that your happiness depends on you seeing them get their comeuppance.

Forgiving your ex frees you from worrying about whether they ‘get what they deserve’ or not. It frees you from constantly thinking about them. You can then concentrate on recovering and healing instead of wasting what little mental and emotional energy you can muster on planning some sort of revenge. In fact, the old adage always proves itself true – living well is the best revenge.

The biggest problem with not forgiving your ex is it lets them occupy too large a portion of your headspace. You are better off spending your time thinking about your future and tending to your well-being and that of your children if you have any.

Yourself

On the other extreme, some people heap too much blame on and have trouble forgiving themselves. They drag the weight of their self-loathing with them through every moment of the day. Let it go. Divorces are seldom the result of one person’s failure. Usually, both parties shoulder at least some little portion of the blame.

You probably made some mistakes along the way. We all do. I did. Wallowing in them does no good. Forgive yourself. Move on. The more profitable path is to spend that energy improving yourself and learning how to not make the same mistakes again. Honestly evaluate. Make corrections. And, where necessary, forgive yourself.

Others Who Let You Down

Often in the process of divorce, there are people who meddle and help facilitate the process. They encourage animosity between you and your spouse or even outright urge your spouse to divorce you. Forgive them.

For me, that was difficult. But, I started to thrive when I learned to forgive. If you can forgive the main players in the divorce, your ex and yourself, you can forgive the others who helped it along. If your ex was cheating on you, that also includes forgiving the person with whom they cheated.

Heal and Rebuild

After a divorce or a

If you want to get married at any time in the future, but especially in the next few years, there are some things you should do now.

And, if you never want to get married, these things are still important and worth doing. They will help you to thrive as a single person. But, if you do want to get married, especially in the next few years, they are even more important. So, don’t put it off, start working on these immediately.

Work Toward Emotional Stability

I have written a lot in recent weeks about personal growth. I cannot emphasize this enough. The first thing to do if you want to get married later is to become emotionally stable now.

This is especially important if you have been through a breakup recently. It’s even more important if you have a history of going from one relationship to the next, one breakup to the next.

The Problem

When you are needy, heartbroken, overwhelmed, lonely, plagued by negative thinking, or otherwise emotionally unstable, you are unattractive to the very people who would make a good spouse. And, at the same time, you are very attractive to people who are themselves dysfunctional and people who might take advantage of your emotional state.

You are also not thinking clearly. Your judgment is impaired. You see everything and everyone through the lens of your neediness, brokenness, overwhelm, loneliness, negativity, or other distorted emotional lenses.

The Solution

That means you should make your first priority to achieve emotional health. You do that through personal growth. Read some good books. Read all my blog posts about personal growth. Find someone who is doing it right and let them mentor you. Do the work. Learn. Do. Grow.

Work Toward Financial Stability

Another priority is to become financially stable, or at least as financially stable as possible. At least get to the point where you are stable enough to not have to rush to get married for financial reasons.

The Problem

Just like I wrote about emotional neediness, you will see your relationships through that distorted lens. Your judgment will be impaired. Don’t end up married to someone with a personality type you don’t find attractive, hobbies and friends you can’t stand, or, even worse, some terrible character flaw or addiction just because you need the financial help.

The Solution

Avoid all that by putting yourself in a situation where finances are not what decide who you marry. Yes, I know this is a lot easier done than said. I am not saying it will be easy. But, I am saying that the freedom it gives you it will be worth it.

There may be things you can do to earn more money. Also, there are probably things you can do to cut your expenses. Track your spending. Then, re-examine and re-prioritize were you spend your money. Dave Ramsey’s “Baby Steps” are a great way to get out of debt and get on a sound financial footing.

Maximize Your Attractiveness

If you want to get married at some point, maximize your attractiveness now. By that, I mean maximize your physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual attractiveness – the whole package.

The Problem

Deep within your psyche, you have a picture of a person. And, you want to marry this physically attractive, personable, intelligent, Godly, faithful, sexy, confident, successful person. So, what type of picture do you suppose they have in their mind of the person they want to marry? Exactly. That means you probably have a little work to do to catch their eye and become the type of person they are looking for.

The Solution

Do the work.

From time to time I have written that if you are single you should probably be dating. This week I want to focus on why I add that qualifier in there. Not every single person should be dating. There are a few important caveats. Here are a few reasons why some of you should not be dating.

These are all important and in no particular order.

You Don’t Know Why You Want to Date

Why do you want to date? What is your purpose? What’s the point?

A lot of times the reason we do things is simple and clear. Why did you get in your car? You wanted to get somewhere as quickly and comfortably as possible. Other times, our motivations are not as clear. Why did you eat that ice cream? Where you hungry or just needing the feeling of comfort and wellbeing you get from eating comfort food?

Sometimes it takes a bit of thought and a little detective work to discern our own motives for doing the things we do.

So, before you go out on another date, ask yourself why. Is it just for a little company or to find a spouse? Both of those are perfectly good reasons, but each requires a different way of dating.

Other reasons are not so good. Here are a few not so good reasons to date.

Validation

Do you go on dates just to prove to yourself, your ex, your friends, or your coworkers that you’re attractive and worthy?

You should not be dating. Don’t go on another date until you settle in your mind that you are an attractive person and a person of worth. This should be easier for my Christian brothers and sisters. You have the understanding that someone loved you and valued you enough to make the ultimate sacrifice for you.

Do the work to transform yourself into the best version of you you can be. Then, go on your next date from a position of strength and full of confidence.

Neediness

Proving something to yourself or others is a form of neediness. Neediness can also take on other forms. Do you date because of a need for attention, affection, or sex? If so, stop it. The people you go out with are people too. Never use other people to satisfy your needs.

You should not be dating. Don’t go on another date until you can date unselfishly. Instead of being a taker and just going out to have someone meet your needs, wait until you can go out with an attitude of giving to and being a blessing to whoever you go out with.

Pressure

Do you date just because you feel like it’s what single people are supposed to do? Do you date because it’s what you want or because it’s what your family, friends, and society expect of you?

If you’re dating because of pressure from others, you should not be dating. Don’t go out again unless it’s what you want to do. Dating should come from an internal drive, not an external pressure. Don’t let the pressure to date make you do something you’re not ready for or simply don’t want to do.

You Settle for Marriage Lite

Some people’s idea of dating is getting into long-term dating relationships as a substitute for or a placeholder for marriage. Either they are, or the person they are dating is, afraid to make a commitment, but they can’t stand to be alone.

If that’s you, you should not be dating. I have seen way too many people go through their twenties, thirties, and even forties going from one long-term relationship to the next and never finding t...

Knowing that second marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages and being that I was happy and thriving as a divorced single man, why did I get married again? After being betrayed the first time around, why take the risk? Those are fair questions. I’m glad you asked.

It’s What I Wanted

First and foremost, I married again because I wanted to.

That sentence says more than you think it does. It says getting married is what I wanted. Getting married was not driven by any external pressure from family, friends, or society. It is what I wanted – what I desired.

That sentence also says getting married is what I wanted. It doesn’t say I needed to or I had to. It says I wanted to. I got past the point of feeling like I had to and simply wanted to. That’s what should drive any decision to get married or get married again, a want, a desire, not an internal neediness or external pressure.

Sex

I’m not going to lie to you. A big part of why I got married again is because I missed sex. As a Christian, engaging in sex with someone I was not married to was not an option.

Now, it’s important to view this in light of what I wrote earlier in this post. I wanted sex, I desired sex, But I didn’t need sex to be happy. It was a want, not a need. My sex drive did not force me to get married again. But, my desire for sex was one of the main things that led to my desire to get married.

Intimacy

But, as great as sex is, it’s only a part of the story. To me, sex without intimacy is unfulfilling. It is being connected to and committed to someone that gives sex meaning. In that context, sex becomes so much more than just physical gratification and the satisfying of an urge. It becomes beautiful, satisfying, healing, bonding, and sacred.

And of course, there is much more to intimacy than sex. Sex is only one physical manifestation of intimacy. I wanted physical touch in general. I wanted to hold hands, hug, and kiss.

Intimacy is also intensely emotional. It is knowing and being known by someone – all of the good, the bad, and the things you would rather keep secret that you have never told anyone else. There is a trust and a vulnerability to an intimate relationship. You cannot have that until you find someone who proves themselves trustworthy and you learn to trust again.

If I wrote a longer post I could also delve into financial, spiritual, and other forms of intimacy. But, I need to move on and you get my point. I am talking about intimacy, something that goes far beyond mere companionship.

Someone I Desired and Could Trust

So, if sex and intimacy are important, that leads me directly to my next point. I wanted to get married again because I got to know someone and found them desirable and trustworthy. I had zero interest in marrying someone who might break my heart again. That would have been devastating.

I waited and waited – waited till I got to know someone I knew I could trust. Trust is built over time. You cannot know if someone is trustworthy until you spend a lot of time with them – a lot of non-romantic time. Romance in dating clouds your perception of anyone you are interested in.

Of course, someone can be extremely trustworthy, but if you don’t find them desirable, what’s the point of getting married? I waited until I found someone trustworthy and desirable. And by desirable, I mean I found someone physically, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually desirable.

It is heartbreaking to the point of being almost unbearable. Before the divorce, you are a present and highly engaged father. Suddenly, after your divorce, you find yourself forced into the role of being a part-time single dad.

Empty Nest, Huge Void, Aching Heart

The story of my divorce, of any divorce, is a story of loss. There can be a loss of finances, house, social status, sex, touch, and many other large and small losses. Each of these carries with it its own unique pain. But for me, perhaps the most painful loss of all was the loss of time with my children.

I hated the every other weekend arrangement. For a few precious days every other weekend my apartment was filled with life and laughter. Then, about the time I would get used to that lifestyle, it was over. They were gone. My apartment was empty, devoid of all the life that was there only moments before.

As hard as that was for me, it was no picnic for my children either. But, there were things I did that I believe helped us all to thrive in those dark times. Here are a few tips for all of you every other weekend, single dads.

Tell Them It’s Not Their Fault

First and foremost, tell your children over and over and over that the divorce was not their fault. Even if you think it is obvious, reaffirm that to them –  repeatedly. This is especially important for younger children, but it goes for older children too.

Your Child, Not Your Messenger

Secondly, never make your children into messengers for you and your ex. If you and your ex-spouse need an intermediary, find a reliable, neutral adult to fill that role. Your kids have enough to deal with without being thrown into the middle of the verbal sparring between you and your ex.

Your Child, Not Your Confidant

Thirdly, never turn to your children as your confidants. If you need someone to share your struggles with, work out your angst with, or especially if you need soneone to talk about your ex with, make it an adult. In fact, find a few stable, caring people who will be loving and honest with you. Just, make sure they are mature adults.

Your children didn’t ask for this. They have their own issues to work through now. Never burden them with yours. This is a time for you to be the adult. Be their parent. Be their comforter, not another burden on them.

Your Child, Not a Pawn In Your War

Fourthly, never use your children as leverage. Never use them as pawns in your war on your ex. Unless your ex-spouse is abusive or neglectful toward them, they need to have time with them. Your kids need both their parents. Never use them or make them choose sides.

About Your Ex

Tip number five, never talk bad about your ex-spouse. This ties into my last sentence from point four. Insecure people try to make sure their kids like them better than their ex. They try to make sure their kids are on their side. To do this they will verbally rip their ex to shreds in front of their children.

Children hate this. They don’t need this kind of immaturity from you or your ex. What they need is to see you model maturity and be the grownup in their life. You are their parent.

This is not to say that you whitewash something awful your ex-spouse may have done. If asked directly, don’t lie to protect your ex. But, if you have to speak hard truths about your ex, do so with grace, not out of hate, spite or a quest for revenge.

Create A Normal Home Life

Number six, as much as possible, make their time with you as normal a home life as possible. Now is not the time to go crazy and make huge changes. Your kids have enough changes to deal with right now. Give them as much stability and normality as possible.

It’s also not a good idea to turn their time with you into Summer camp or some Disneyesque experience. Let them have a little responsibility around the house. Don’t overdo it,

Whether on Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, Instagram, OKCupid, or dozens of other social and dating apps, you have ample opportunity to craft pretty much any image of yourself that you think people will find attractive. You can put on any mask or as many virtual masks as you can imagine.

But, is that really the best way to attract someone with whom you can form a lifetime marriage?

Masks and Virtual Masks

I was born in and grew up in South Louisiana. Here, Mardi Gras is not merely an event it is a phenomenon. Part of the allure is that people love to put on a mask and become someone else.

Of course, another part of the attraction is that as that alter ego you can do and say things you could never get away with in other circumstances. That is also part of the reason online social sites and dating sites are so popular. There you can create whatever persona you think people will find most attractive. And there you can do and say things you probably would never say or do in real lie.

Of course, not everyone needs the anonymity that these apps and sites seemingly provide. Some people become so skilled at constructing and wearing masks that they are hard to detect even when you interact with them face to face regularly.

But, back to my earlier question. Does donning a mask get you what you really want? No, not if what you want is a fulfilling, lifetime, loving, intimate relationship. Those can only be built on honesty.

So, let’s look at a few masks single people wear.

The ‘I’m Fine, Really’ Mask

Let’s start with one of the more popular masks. Let’s call it the ‘I’m Okay, Really’ mask. This mask is popular for avoiding dealing with things in your life you know you need to deal with.

Mike’s Friend: “Hey Mike, you look a little down lately. What’s going on? You okay?”

Mike: “Yeah, I’m fine, really.”

It is that easy.

Of course, the downside is that you keep all of your problems hidden and you never get any help with them. You rob yourself of the counsel, support, and prayers of people who honestly care about you.

Another problem comes when you start to get close to someone. Eventually, they will realize you are not fine and that you are lying to them. At that point, they may or may not be inclined to help you deal with whatever your issues are.

Why complicate yet another relationship with this mask. It is so much better to be honest with people right from the start. That is how the best relationships are formed.

The ‘I Don’t Want to Get Married’ Mask

This next mask is a favorite of long-term singles. Let’s call it the ‘I Don’t Want to Get Married’ mask. It can be kind of a a sour grapes. Marriage is too much of a hassle. I see too many bad marriages. Why risk getting hurt again?

Now, that does not mean that everyone who says they do not want to get married is lying. Some people honestly do not want to marry. Some people love being alone, have no sex drive or a minimal sex drive, or have too many things they want to accomplish to fit a spouse into their life. There is nothing wrong with that. If that is you, ignore this section. More power to you. Thrive on.

But, those people are a tiny minority. Most people are just wearing an ‘I Don’t Want to Get Married’ mask. People who have given up and stopped trying like to wear this mask, so do divorcees and people who have gone through a series of dead-end relationships.

The ‘I Don’t Care What People Think’ Mask

How about this one, have you ever caught someone wearing the ‘I Don’t Car...

Unless you grew up in a ridiculously dysfunctional home, you were probably taught that honesty is the best policy. Your parents probably told you this in the context of dealing with other people. Today I want to affirm that truth, but it applies just as much when dealing with yourself. Are you honest with you?

Lying is Easy

One of the major problems with trying to be honest is that sometimes lying or just making stuff up is easier. Truth can take some effort to ferret out and even more effort to explain. Why go through all that effort? Just make something up. Just say what people want to hear.

Lying is Hard

Of course, it catches up with you eventually. Sooner or later, someone will go through the effort to uncover the truth and you will be exposed. And, as you tell lies to cover your lies it gets harder and harder to keep your story straight and not contradict the lies you told earlier.

We Lie Because

Why do we lie?

Putting aside for a moment the lies we tell to make people feel better about themselves or what they did, basically, we lie because we feel it betters our situation. We lie when we feel we have something to gain by it. Basically, we lie to gain an advantage, make ourselves look better, or to cover up something we did wrong.

That explains why we lie to others, but why do we lie to ourselves? What do we gain from that? We lie to ourselves to soothe our consciences, justify our behaviors, or, in general, feel better about ourselves. And sometimes, it is just easier to lie to ourselves than to put in all the effort it takes to suss out and deal with the truth.

Not a lie, just not the truth

And, other times we do not consciously lie to ourselves. Our memories can be very imperfect. Over time, it gets harder and harder to accurately remember exactly what we did or why we did it.

Plus, we tend to judge ourselves a lot less harshly than we judge other people. We are more likely to give our motives and actions the benefit of a doubt.

Honest With Yourself

The truth is, you are probably not as good, bad, attractive, ugly, smart or dumb as you think. In many instances, people close to us can gage us much better than we can gauge ourselves. That is one of the many reasons you should surround yourself with high-quality, honest people who will tell you the truth in love.

Your opinion of yourself is, to some extent bound to be skewed. So, get some trustworthy input and try to be as honest with yourself as possible about what is going on inside you.

Who are you?

At your core, what do you believe? What do you enjoy? What type of relationship do you want? Are the things you believe about yourself who you really are? Or, be honest, are these things you have adopted because of the expectations of others?

Where are you?

Where are you in your life? In your journey to recovery? In your growth as a person? Do you need to make some changes to grow more spiritually or emotionally or to be in better physical health? Be honest. Are you mature enough to handle a relationship? Have you healed enough from your last relationship to get into a new one?

What do you want?

What do you want in life? Marriage? Singleness? Personal growth? Better health? Be honest. Are these things what you really want or are they what you are willing to settle for? And here again, are these things really what you want or are they things you feel you should want?

Get where you really want to go from where you really are

Never let others define who you are or what you want. Be honest with yourself. You do not want to finally arrive at the place you thought you wanted to go only to realize you were talked into wanting to be that person or wanting that thing.

And, wherever you actually want to go, you have to figure out how to get there from where you actually are,