Divorce Affects a Lot of People

Even though the divorce rate is considerably less than some misinterpreted statistics led us to believe a few years ago, it is still alarmingly high. In the United States alone, on the average, a divorce happens every thirty-six (36) seconds. That is over eight hundred thousand (800,000) divorces per year. So, a lot of us have been through it.

For most of us, divorce was easily the most painful thing we ever experienced. How can you recover from that level of shock and pain and begin to thrive as a single person? This is by no means a comprehensive plan, but here are four essential steps toward recovery.

Forgive

Hands down, the best thing you can do to recover from a divorce is to forgive your ex, yourself, and other people who hurt you or helped facilitate the divorce. This is much easier said than done. Doing so requires better understanding forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not excusing or trivializing the offense. It does not mean that what was done to you is okay. It means you were wronged but you choose not to waste your time and energy hating and seeking revenge on the person who wronged you. Forgiving also does not mean trusting that person again. Forgiveness is free and instantaneous. Trust has to be earned over time.

Your Ex

The obvious place to begin – forgive the main source of your pain. Forgive the very person who threw you world into chaos. Forgiving does not mean you condone or minimize what they did. They hurt you – badly. In fact, the need for forgiveness indicates a wrong occurred. If they did no wrong, they would have no need for forgiveness.

Though it could, it does not necessarily mean you should protect them from any negative consequences of their actions. They may still have to reap what they sow. However, it does mean that you do not go out of your way to cause them pain or that your happiness depends on you seeing them get their comeuppance.

Forgiving your ex frees you from worrying about whether they ‘get what they deserve’ or not. It frees you from constantly thinking about them. You can then concentrate on recovering and healing instead of wasting what little mental and emotional energy you can muster on planning some sort of revenge. In fact, the old adage always proves itself true – living well is the best revenge.

The biggest problem with not forgiving your ex is it lets them occupy too large a portion of your headspace. You are better off spending your time thinking about your future and tending to your well-being and that of your children if you have any.

Yourself

On the other extreme, some people heap too much blame on and have trouble forgiving themselves. They drag the weight of their self-loathing with them through every moment of the day. Let it go. Divorces are seldom the result of one person’s failure. Usually, both parties shoulder at least some little portion of the blame.

You probably made some mistakes along the way. We all do. I did. Wallowing in them does no good. Forgive yourself. Move on. The more profitable path is to spend that energy improving yourself and learning how to not make the same mistakes again. Honestly evaluate. Make corrections. And, where necessary, forgive yourself.

Others Who Let You Down

Often in the process of divorce, there are people who meddle and help facilitate the process. They encourage animosity between you and your spouse or even outright urge your spouse to divorce you. Forgive them.

For me, that was difficult. But, I started to thrive when I learned to forgive. If you can forgive the main players in the divorce, your ex and yourself, you can forgive the others who helped it along. If your ex was cheating on you, that also includes forgiving the person with whom they cheated.

Heal and Rebuild

After a divorce or a