Thrive Singles Podcast

Being single is not the worst thing in the world. There are things much, much worse, like, being in a bad relationship for example. In fact, I can honestly say that once I got over the initial shock and got the hang of being single, I was happier single than I was in the last years of my marriage. Being single is a mixed bag though. Here are a few of the best and worst things about being single.

Best Thing About Being Single:Your Time Is Yours

One of the best things about being single is your time is your time. I remember a commercial for a sitcom that debuted while I was in my second singleness. I think it was called “Rules of Engagement”. It followed the adventures of a married guy, an engaged guy, and a single guy. I actually never saw the show, but I loved the commercial. The dialog went something like this:

Married Guy: I just remembered, my wife says I gotta go to the store for something.Engaged Guy: Oh, that reminds me, my fiance needs me to go check on the caterer.Single Guy: Oh, that reminds me, I have to go do whatever I want whenever I want.

And that was my favorite part of single life. When I wasn’t at work, my time was my time. There was no one there to demand my time or demand I do this or that. There was no one to judge me for how I used my time. I went to sleep when I wanted and woke up when I wanted.

Those were some of the most creative times on my life. I could lavish as much time as I wanted on my creative pursuits without having to feel guilty that I was shortchanging someone who needed my time.

Worst Thing About Being Single:Lack of Physical Touch

Of course, that means there was no one there to touch. One of the worst things about being single was the lack of physical touch. I am a very “touchy-feely” person. I crave physical touch. That made being single very difficult.

Let me be even more specific, that meant no sex. Being a Christian, sex for me was not an option. I can’t lie to you, that was difficult. I know a lot of Christian singles who have compromised in that area. It was only by the grace of God that I did not. His grace was sufficient. But that does not mean it was easy.

Related post: Why Christian Singles *Should* Thrive

Best Thing About Being Single:Your Home and Your Stuff is Yours

One of the best things about being single is that your stuff is totally yours.

You always know where the TV remote is. It’s yours. It’s right where you left it. The toilet lid stays in whatever position you prefer. It’s yours. It’s in whatever position you left it. You want to drink milk or eat ice cream out of the carton? No problem. It’s yours. Nobody will judge you for it or complain about it. Nobody eats the last slice of pie you were saving for dessert tonight. No one uses all but the last few sheets of toilet paper and leaves you two sheets and no fresh roll in reach. Your world is totally customized and personalized for your maximum enjoyment.

Worst Thing About Being Single:No One to Share the Load

But, with freedom comes responsibility. One of the worst things about being single is there is no one to share the load. There is no one there to pick up the slack when you’re not at your best. You have no safety net. Every time I got sick, I had this recurring vision of me dying there alone and my decomposing body not being found for days.

Married or single, we all get lonely from time to time. But, the loneliness I felt immediately after my divorce was horrible. It was deeper and more persistent. The only thing that kept me sane was being plugged in – to my church, my family, and my friends.

Loneliness

First off I want to say that at least some amount of loneliness is inevitable and that some periods of loneliness are beneficial. I’m not saying that loneliness should be avoided at all cost.

I’m also not going to mislead you and tell you marriage is a cure-all for loneliness. Many married people are lonely and feel disconnected from their spouse. In fact, thinking marriage will be a magic bullet for loneliness is an unrealistic expectation that will set you up for disappointment.

Related article: 3 Things Marriage Can and Cannot Do For You

Also, being in a bad marriage can be lonely. The waning years of my marriage, the period where my wife started distancing herself from me was very lonely at times.

But, what I want to address this week is the go to bed alone, wake up alone, God I need a hug, persistent loneliness you feel as a single person.

The best way to deal with that loneliness is to make some connections. Get plugged in with people and groups.

Plugged In: To Your Church

Since I write from a Christian perspective, I’m going to assume that my writing about chastity, purity, and marriage has scared off most of the non-believers and that most of you reading this blog are Christians. So, I feel very comfortable telling you that one of the things I got right as a single was that I was connected to a great church.

Related article: Things I Got Right as a Single | Community, Generosity, and Diligence

The Body of Christ is a great thing to be a part of. There is brotherhood and sisterhood there. There is belonging. My church brothers and sisters played a huge role in my recovering from divorce and my thriving as a single. God designed us to be in relationship with each other, to be interconnected and take turns mentoring and encouraging and being mentored and encouraged.

And, if perchance you’re reading this and are not a Christian, consider this: being in right relationship with your Creator brings a powerful ally into play on your behalf. Plus, He’s a constant companion, so you’re never totally alone.

Plugged In: To a Civic Group

You could also get plugged into a civic group or a ministry team at your church. It’s hard to feel lonely when you are among people pulling toward a common goal. Working together brings with it a comradery that links people together. When you’re in the trenches working together you can’t help but start bonding together.

Plus, being part of a team doing something worthwhile is also good for your psyche. Besides the comradery, it brings with it a positive energy and a feeling of accomplishment.

Plugged In: To a Group That Shares Your Interest

Another way to beat loneliness is to plug into a group of people who share your interests. Whatever you are interested in, you can probably find a local or online group that you can connect with.

The woman I am now married to joined a bicycling group ...

Whether it’s a new year, the end of a dating relationship, or just a nagging feeling that things need to change, now is a great time for a fresh start.

Let the Past Die

“Today is a brand new day, it hasn’t been touched yet.”-Raymond Joseph Dufrene (My Pawpaw)

We all make mistakes. We all get taken advantage of. Every one of us has scars and regrets of one kind or another. No one is immune. We are all, to varying degrees, bruised, broken, and damaged.

One sure way to be a miserable single person is to carry around all that baggage of your past. Your past relationships, past heartbreaks, and past failures have one thing in common. They are the past. You are in the present.

Why let your present get ruined or even overly influenced by your past? Let it go. Let it die. Don’t keep it alive by reliving it over and over in your mind,

Today is, as my Pawpaw every so often wisely reminded me, a brand-new day, fresh and untouched. The only way it gets tainted by the past is if we let it. We choose whether today will be its own day or be usurped by some day in the past.

Kill It If You Have To

The problem is those feelings and memories of the past are tenacious. They fight and scream for a place in our consciousness. So, sometimes to make a fresh start we have to consciously kill the past.

The past entices us with thoughts of how good it feels to let the anger and righteous indignation rise up and overtake us and tell us we deserve some time to stew in the juices of past wrongs. Or, the past demands that we mourn indefinitely for our past mistakes and wrongdoings. And, we tend to agree with it that we don’t deserve to get over it.

But, we do – we do deserve to get over it. And, we do that by purposely focusing on the present and then looking to the future.

We all make mistakes along the way. Just make sure you put some guardrails in place to not make similar mistakes again. We all do wrong. But, if we ask, there is forgiveness. Now go and do right the right things.

Related post: Guardrails to Help You Thrive as a Single

The thought of a past event will, from time to time, enter your mind. That doesn’t mean that you have to invite it to stay and serve it a Salted Caramel Mocha and scones. You can show it to the door politely or just toss it out, but either way, it has to go.

Take the Lessons With You

However, there is one part of the past you do need to take with you into the future – the lessons you have learned.

If you have dealt with the past in a healthy way you have learned valuable lessons. Those need to remain a part of your life. You can forget those lessons and repeat the same or similar mistakes over and over again. Or, you can use remember them and use them as a foundation on which you build your fresh start.

Don’t waste the suffering or pain your past inflicted on you. Learn from it. And, once you learn those lessons hang on to them like your future happiness depends on them.

A Fresh Start

I am writing this around the first of the year. That’s always a good time to make a fresh start. But, anytime a season of life or a relationship comes to an end is also a good time for a fre...

As a single, you’ve probably read dozens of articles and books written by people outlining all kinds of methods and systems to find the right one. But, what have you done to become the right one?

The Curious Case of Arranged Marriages in India

In India, even in modern times, many marriages are still arranged by families. With all our emphasis on finding the right one, you would think that this is an awful idea. You would be mistaken. The divorce rate and reported marital satisfaction there are the same for arranged marriages as it is for other marriages.

Meanwhile, here in the United States single people put an emphasis on finding the right one, use multiple dating apps, date for years, and even live together before getting married. We do all these things society tells us we should do to find the one. And yet, our results are worse. Our divorce rate is higher and our marriage satisfaction is lower.

How can this be? Should we start letting our friends and family select our spouses? Actually, as a side note, if you have friends and family who are happily married, you might want to seek their advice on what kind of person you should marry. Their collective wisdom is valuable.

The One

But, what does this tell us about finding the one? Are friends and family better at picking the right one for you or is it actually not a matter of finding the one? Maybe it’s a matter of narrowing the search to a few highly compatible people, then just making a choice and making a commitment.

Related post: My Current Girlfriend | Commitment in the Age of Gamophobia

For all the reasons I outlined in my post “The Myth of THE ONE“, finding the one is, well, a myth. You should go back and read that post. In the meantime, let me give you two quick things to think about.

First, there is no one on planet Earth specifically designed to satisfy all your wants, needs, and desires. And actually, it’s pretty narcissistic of you to think there would be.

Secondly, there are many people to whom you could be happily married. There are over seven billion people on the planet. Approximately half of them are the opposite sex. The odds are in your favor that you can find someone with whom you could, if you both put in the effort, build a happy life.

Related post: The Myth of “THE ONE” | A Mythology of Unicorns, Mermaids, and Special Someones

Become the One

I want to suggest to you that the other part of the equation is the part you should start with – become the one. Turn yourself into the person that attracts the kind of person you want to marry. I like to reference this quote from time to time because it’s right on point.

Are you the person the person you’re looking for is looking for? – Andy Stanley

Questions

I’ve written a lot in the last month or so about asking yourself questions. Why do you want to marry? Why do you want to date? What kind of person do you want to marry? Once you’ve worked through those things, ask yourself this, who do I want to be and who do I need to be to have the kind of relationship I want with the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with?

Birds of a Feather

Remember, in many ways

Sometimes, we set our expectations really high and we never get what we expected and we end up disappointed. Other times, we set our expectations really low and we get what we expected and we end up disappointed.  As a single person, how should you set your expectations when it comes to who you choose to go out with?

Make Them Your Expectations

Let me begin by saying, as I said in a prior post, that your expectations should be genuinely yours.

Yes, you should give some consideration to the expectations of the people around you. Of course, when I say that, I mean carefully chosen people. Not everyone’s input is equally valuable. Only consider the opinions of people who are happily married or happily single. You don’t need input from people who are constantly disgruntled, complaining, and blaming other people and circumstances for their unhappiness. Look at their relationships before you take relationship advice from them.

You do need input from quality sources, but, in the end, you need to work through what you believe and what you want out of life and formulate your own expectations.

See my post: Manage Your Expectations Part 1See my post: Thrive as a Single | Know Your Why 

Lower Your Expectations

Next, I want you to realize that in some ways your expectations are too high. You need to lower them.

Tall, Dark, and Handsome

Ladies, look around you. How many guys do you see that bear any resemblance to your favorite actor, musician, or pop culture icon? Probably none, unless your favorite celebrity is Danny DeVito or Homer Simpson, in that case, you may see several. When it comes to height, looks, and physique, unless you’re often mistaken for a supermodel, you may have to lower your expectations, at least a bit.

Supermodels and Actresses

Guys, you know where this is headed, right? Unless you’re often mistaken for Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans, you may have to lower your expectations a tad. Natalie Portman and Gal Gadot are probably already spoken for. And, I don’t mean to offend you, but there just aren’t that many women who look like them who are looking for someone who looks like you.

Porches and BMWs

You may also have to adjust your expectations when it comes to money. Look around you. How many Porches, BMWs, Jaguars, and other such luxury brand automobiles do you see on the road? Probably not that many. That’s because only a small percentage of people can afford them. Most people cannot. There is a reason they are called one-percenters – because ninety-nine percent of us can’t afford such extravagances.

But, I Need….

And, lastly, if you assume someone can swoop in and meet all of your physical, financial, emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs, you definitely need to lower your expectations.

I feel like I mention this at least every other week in some form or fashion, but A – no one can meet all of your needs. It is impossible. And B – starting a relationship from a position of neediness almost always ends badly. Starting a relationship from a position of strength, confidence, and emotional wholeness works a lot better.

Raise Your Expectations

Read that title again – slowly and carefully. This is important. Let the words sink in – deep inside. Don’t settle. You deserve better.

These Words Are for You If…

If you:

* are dating a jerk* habitually date jerks* are made to feel insecure, unworthy, or otherwise not good enough by the person you are with* are always having to apologize for your boyfriend or girlfriend* feel put down, neglected, or taken for granted*

these words are for you. You deserve better. It’s time to make some changes in the way you think, the way you date, and the way you form and carry out relationships.

These Words Are Not for You If…

If you are dating someone who is kind, faithful, emotionally supportive of you, and your friends and family adore them, these words probably are not for you.

Of course, I always couch those kinds of statements in qualifiers. There could be some hidden flaw that, so far, only your intuition has picked up on. More than likely, your uneasiness stems from your own issues, but sometimes you do need to trust your gut.

Pay attention to any weird feelings and try to figure out what is causing them. There may be some area of your life or your relationship that needs some work.

The Way They Speak

To You

First, let’s talk about the way the people you date speak. Are you happy with the way they speak to you? Do they speak to you with kindness, respect, and gentleness or with rudeness, anger, put-downs, and impatience? Do they speak to you like you are their friend and intellectual equal or do they talk down to you, patronize you, or verbally bully you?

Does the way they speak to you make you feel valued and cherished, or does it make you feel bad about yourself, insecure, or like they take you for granted? Why would you settle for that?

About You

How about the way the people you date speak about you? When they talk to their friends and family, do they praise you and tell everyone how wonderful, lovable, or beautiful you are? Or, do they complain about you and put you down?

And, how do they talk about other people? If they constantly put down and complain about other people, you can be sure they will eventually talk that way about you.

Word Choices

What about the words they choose to use? Is it always f___ this and f___ that? Do they always put things in as rude or as crude a way as possible? Look, even the nicest among us can let an expletive slip out from time to time. But, some people make it a point to cram as many as possible into every conversation. Is that what you really want?

Volume

And lastly, do the people you date usually speak in a normal voice or do they often make a scene by talking inappropriately loudly? Or, when you disagree, do they yell and try to shout you into submission? Do they use the way they speak as a weapon?

What is the point of being in a relationship with someone whose words or way of speaking make you feel bad? Don’t settle for that. You deserve better.

Their Behavior

Okay, I started with the way they speak and spent a lot of time on that because it is super important, but so are other aspects of the way the people you date behave.

I could write a book-length post just listing bad behaviors. So,

So, I really hate it when people begin every sentence with so. And, I am not even sure why. But, anyway…

So, I have been asking you a lot of questions the past few weeks. Hopefully, you have asked yourself some of the questions I have brought up. And hopefully, you came up with satisfying answers that have led you to make some positive changes that improved your life as a single person. So, why stop now? This week I want you to ask yourself the question Simon Sinek says we should always start with, the question young children intuitively ask umpteen times per day – why?

Why Am I Single?

So, let’s dive right in with a really tough one. Why are you single? Is it by choice? Or, is it, as my late in life singleness was, by someone else’s choice?

Related article: Why Am I Still Single? | It Might Not Be the Reasons You Think

Maybe you have never been married. Why? Was that by choice? Or, was it from a lack of appealing options? Or, are there things you need to do to put yourself in a better position to get married? Maybe you need to work at one or more of the things I write about here – like personal growth, attractiveness, or dating better.

Or, maybe you need to expand your horizons and look in different places or at different types of people than you have before.

Why Do I Date Who I Date?

In fact, ask yourself this, why do I date the people I date? Are you only dating people that look a certain way? Or, are you only dating people you think will enhance your social status or standard of living? Or, do you date the same person over and over – with a different name but the same heartbreaking outcome?

Related Article: How to Break Out of a Dating Rut: Change!

Why are you drawn over and over again to the wrong guy or the wrong girl? Maybe it is time to re-think what you really want and need and how you go about dating.

Why Do I Date the Way I Date?

And, thinking more about dating, why do you date the way you date? Is it because that is the only way you know and that is the way everybody does it, or is it because you thought it through and decided that was the best way?

Are you dating to know yourself better, have a little fun, and decide if the person you go out with might be worth getting to know better or pursuing as a spouse? Or, are you dating because you need an ego boost or need to gratify your sexual urges?

Maybe it is time to decide what you really want out of life and relationships, decide what is the best way to get there, and start living and dating with those goals in mind.

Related article: Best Date Ever!

Why Do I Want to Marry?

I know a lot of you date because you think it will lead to marriage. And yes, going on dates is an important part of the process of moving from single to married. But that begs my next question – why do you want to get married?

Have you thought that through? Is that another thing you want because your family says that is what you should want? Or, is that something you want for your own reasons?

Relate article: Want to Get Married? Part 2 – Why?

And, what are those reasons? Are they good and healthy reasons or selfish or misguided reasons?

We all have beliefs. The emotionally and psychologically healthiest among us do our best to live out the things we believe in everyday life. In fact, studies have shown that people who live out their strongly held beliefs are emotionally healthier, even if what they believe turns out to be wrong. So, it pays to listen to your conscience.

Of course, incorrect beliefs can also lead to disastrous outcomes, no matter how deeply held they are. I can believe with all my being that I can jump from this roof to the next roof. But, if I am wrong, there will be real-world consequences to acting on that belief.

Your beliefs affect every area your life. For example, what you believe about money determines how much of it you earn, save, spend, invest, and give. That is an important area about which you should make sure your beliefs are correct.

Here are a few more.

What You Believe About Yourself

Do you believe you are capable of having good relationships? I don’t know about you, but after my divorce, I wondered if I was. If you don’t believe you have that ability, you will never succeed. In fact, you will probably either never try or make a half-hearted effort that ends badly and reinforces your belief that you are incapable.

If you feel you are not capable of a good relationship, work at your relationship skills. Learn and practice at it until you feel confident. You can do this.

Do you believe you are destined for singleness or marriage? This is an important question because if you feel destined for singleness you will not put in the effort it takes to move successfully from being single to being married.

Remember, your future is not set in stone. You can change your future by what you do right now. You create your future day by day, step by step, decision by decision.

Do you believe you are attractive are unattractive? If you believe you are unattractive, you will lack confidence and you will be unattractive. As with many of these beliefs, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

On the other hand, If you believe you are attractive, you will carry yourself with an air of confidence and you will be more attractive.

Of course, you should always work at being more attractive and get some objective input as to how you are doing. It is a good idea to ask people close to you who will give you honest feedback about how you could be more physically and emotionally attractive.

What You Believe About God

Do you picture God as a loving Father or a stern disciplinarian? Do you believe He exists and wants to bless people who acknowledge Him and try to do things His way?

One of the reasons I could thrive as a single person was that I believed that it was God who put in me the desire to marry and that He enjoys giving me what I desire. Of course, I still had to wait many years. But that was because of me needing to grow and learn, not because God was getting His kicks by making me wait.

What You Believe About Sex

Do you believe that sex is for married people and worth waiting for? Or, do you believe it is okay for any two consenting adults to have sex?

That is an important question. Sexual purity is hard enough when it is a deeply held belief. If that is not something you are totally convinced about, you will live your life as a single in such a way that you will end up having sex with...

Last week’s post was all about questions. I want to begin this week’s post with a question. What are you doing to make sure you live your life as a single person the way you want to live it? Or, to put it another way, what guardrails do you have in place to protect yourself from oncoming traffic and keep yourself from going off a cliff?

Beliefs, Morals, and Goals

I am also going to start by making an assumption: I assume you have a set of beliefs which lead you to uphold certain morals and strive towards certain goals. Now, I don’t know exactly what your beliefs, morals, and goals are, but I know you do have them. We all do.

Goal: Sexual Purity

Also, I am going to further assume that, since you read this blog, your beliefs, morals, and goals are in many ways similar to mine. You are probably a Christian and your beliefs lead you to a morality that says sex is for married people. Therefore, your goal is to remain pure and abstain from sex until you get married.

That is a noble goal, but it is a lot easier said than done. So, if you have made that your goal, how do you get there?

Willpower is not enough. If you are serious about sexual purity you will need to have some guardrails in place. Some of these may seem like overkill, but it is better to err on the side of caution and have guardrails that may seem a little overprotective than guardrails that do not offer enough protection.

Guardrail: NOT Your Place or Mine

One guardrail I did not have in place when I was single the first time that I made sure to have in place my second go-round was to never be alone with someone I was interested in at my place or theirs.

As a younger single I made that mistake and I vowed to not make that same mistake again. After my divorce, I made a rule for myself that I would not be alone with a woman at my place or theirs, especially if I found her attractive. That rule served me well.

We are by nature sexual creatures. If we allow ourselves to be alone with someone we find attractive, at our place or theirs, it is way too easy to start taking things further and further.

If you are serious about sexual purity, why put yourself in that position? Being alone with no accountability will, more likely than not, lead to you compromising your beliefs.

Guardrail: Accountability

Ah, accountability, that is another good guardrail to have in place. Give a few carefully selected people who know you well permission to check up on you. Let them know where you are going and with whom. Let them ask you tough questions. And, let them check up on you, even in the middle of a date. Let them get all up in your business.

Guardrail: Let’s NOT Get Physical

Remember, your guardrails are yours to create. You know your strengths and weaknesses. But, you do have blind spots though. Err on the side of caution.

I am not saying that you have to live your life like a monk or some puritan zealot straight out of the seventeenth century, but I would say that, if staying pure is your goal, your dating should look a lot different from what is accepted as normal today.

Nowhere is this more so than when it comes to how much physical interaction is appropriate.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? These are the basic questions of life. A large part of thriving as a single person is growing as a person. A large part of personal growth is answering these questions.

“The marvelous thing about a good question is that it shapes our identity as much by the asking as it does by the answering.” – David Whyte

Who Are You?

Let’s start with the most basic question. Down deep, at your core, who are you? What do you believe about yourself? About God? What is important to you? How did you become the person you are? Did you purposely become who you are through conscious decisions or kind of drift into this version of you carried along by the currents of circumstances and other people’s expectations?

What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are you good at? Are there things you need to work on? Get input from people you trust who know you well. You may have blind spots.

Who Do You Want to Be?

Is who you are who you want to be? If you are not happy with who you have become, can you change? Who do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to become?

“I think that’s the single best piece of advice: constantly think about how you could be doing things better and questioning yourself.” – Elon Musk

What changes do you need to make to become that person? Will you need to exercise more? Eat better? Get rid of some people on your life who are dragging you down? Build some new relationships with more positive people? Get some coaching or counseling? Create a budget? A life plan? Educate yourself about finances? Relationships? Health?

What Do You Want?

What is important to you? What do you want out of life? Where are your priorities? Do you want to please God? Make more money? Be in better health? Be more attractive? Have better relationships? What kind of relationships?

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein

Is marriage what you want or do you want to stay single? Marriage is not something you should let yourself be talked into, get pressured into, or kind of drift into.

Why Do You Want to Stay Single?

If you want to stay single, why do you want to stay single? That is an important question. Is it because you are happily single and don’t want to complicate your life with an intimate relationship? Or, is it because you are scared to make a lifetime commitment or scared of having a marriage end in divorce?

“The key to wisdom is this – constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question, by questioning we arrive at the truth.” – Peter Abelard

Being happy as a single is a great reason to stay single. Fear is a terrible motivation to do or not do something. So, what is driving your decision to stay single, a zest for the single life or some sort of fear?

Why Do You Want to Get Married?

Likewise, if you want to get married, why do you want to get married? Is it a desire for intimacy?