Kids feel more than they hear. They notice more than they can say.

In this conversation, therapist and mom of two neurodivergent kids, Lisa Kays, joins me to explore why your child seems fine until you finally try to read, listen to a podcast, or focus on something for yourself. We talk about the invisible "container" parents hold with their attention, how kids sense when we mentally leave the room, and why sensitive and neurodivergent kids are often especially tuned into those shifts.

Lisa and I also get real about mom guilt, martyrdom, and the myth that good parents never disappoint their kids. We look at what happens when you try to fake calm at bedtime, why that incoherence makes things worse, and how much changes when you say the quiet part out loud: "I am tired. I am cranky. This is not about you." From there, we move into play, video games, and the pressure to enjoy everything your child enjoys, and how to reframe joining them in their world without pretending to love every second.

This episode is an invitation to trust what your kids are already picking up, be more honest about what you are actually feeling, and let your family experiment with a more grounded, both-and version of connection.

Key Takeaways

• Kids are tuned into our attention in ways we usually underestimate. They often stay regulated until they feel your focus shift, then move in to pull you back.
• Neurodivergent and "orchid" kids are often especially sensitive to energetic shifts, in part because many rely more on nonverbal cues than language.
• Parents hold a real "energetic bubble" with their kids. When you mentally leave that bubble, their nervous system notices—even if they cannot explain it.
• Sneaking self-care through half-dissociated scrolling often backfires. Kids sense the withdrawal of presence, even when you are physically nearby.
• You cannot fake calm. At bedtime, your child responds to your nervous system, not your "everything is fine" script.
• Honesty creates safety. Saying "I am tired and irritable, and this is not about you" helps kids trust both their own perceptions and you.
• Allowing disappointment without rushing to fix it teaches resilience, frustration tolerance, and relational trust.
• Intentional, communicated withdrawal of attention is different from endlessly overriding your needs. It protects against burnout and builds tolerance for space.
• Playing with your child does not require loving every activity. You can connect by letting them lead, being the learner, or practicing regulation while being imperfect.
• When your brain insists there are only two options, it is usually lying. Connection has many possible shapes.

About Lisa Kays

Lisa Kays is a licensed independent clinical social worker with a private practice serving clients in Washington, DC, Maryland, Virginia, and Oregon. She works with adults across the lifespan on anxiety, depression, addiction, and relationship challenges, with a special focus on supporting parents of both neurodivergent and neurotypical kids. As a parent of two complicated and awesome children herself, Lisa blends clinical insight with lived experience, helping caregivers understand their own nervous systems, set realistic boundaries, and build more authentic, resilient family relationships. You can learn more at lisakays.com and find her on Instagram and TikTok at @thelisakays.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist

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