February 24, 2020

Asking for a Friend: Is my enneagram affecting my relationships?

46 minutes

We’ve all been at the blood curdling crossroads of conversation where we blurt out, “You have no idea where I’m coming from!” And the Enneagram tells us, that’s actually true! This ancient, now resurgingly popular system of understanding how individuals see and do life tells us that each of us falls into one of nine primary “types.” Which means unless you’re in conversation, relationship, or conflict with someone of your same type (i.e. same way of processing the world), they likely don’t much of an idea where you’re coming from. Okay, so we’ve confirmed there’s a problem, but where’s the hope here? How can another personality test help mend the broken lines of communication and expectation in our marriages, friendships, and work spaces?

Evan Barbee, Nashville enneagram consultant and teacher, shares with us just how this system of understanding ourselves and others holds the power to navigate relationships as well as to heal old wounds in previously broken ones. And don’t be overwhelmed by the science behind it, Evan assures us:

“ALL YOU NEED TO GET INTO THE ENNEAGRAM IS CURIOSITY AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.”

In this episode of “Asking for a Friend,” we take a dive into the truth and misconceptions about the trending enneagram system. We talk about how crucial it is to start by first understanding ourselves, our motivations, and thus, our strengths and hang ups in communication and relationship. The key is to “focus on yourself first, and you’ll be amazed how open and interested others are in asking questions and learning from your growth.”

We talk a bit about each of the nine types individually, but spend a good bit of time on what are considered the three “centers of intelligence” in the enneagram. Each type, Evan tells us, falls into one of the three centers – body, heart, or mind. When we look first at these centers and their primarily filters for processing the world, we can then understand what “prevents us from extending or receiving love to our fullest capacity.” Think of a more holistic approach to love languages: depending on your type and its fundamental center of intelligence, you can start to see how you and your loved ones inherently give and receive love, and start to understand what’s getting in the way.

A quick overview, just so you know where you or your spouse or child or sister might fall:

BODY CENTERS INCLUDE TYPES 8, 9, 1
HEART CENTERS INCLUDE TYPES 2, 3, 4
MIND CENTERS INCLUDE TYPES 5, 6, 7

And remember, whichever center your type falls in doesn’t mean you don’t use the other two to navigate relationship. It simply means that when you’re not working to be aware of your feelings and actions, your center is where you’ll go to in autopilot.

The bottom line to applying the enneagram in real relationships is this: awareness of yourself and open handedness with others. The enneagram is not a way to dismiss or intellectualize conflict, but rather a way to see your and your loved one’s discrepancies as differences rather than as deficits. The ultimate goal of the enneagram is compassion for others by learning how to speak one another’s different languages. It gives us new frames through which to address misunderstanding and pursue resolution.

You’re not telling me something is an orange when it’s clearly an apple just to get under my skin. You really see an orange. And as Evan reminds us, simply with curiosity and a little bit of humor, the enneagram allows us to see that fruit differently but love one another just the same!

Where do we start?