Bob talks about his long and illustrious baseball career, while Miles learns how square dancing is a rite of passage for some.

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writing for it on my end. Okay, recording is on. Look at that. Oh, great value. Okay. we can’t afford me up. So you have great value it’s uh it’s yeah you know what you know, it’s for poor people like me i know yeah okay yeah don’t you don’t have to say it. You don’t have to say it. Don’t say it basically that’s the drip tray at the cafe. They have all the drinks. Make your jokes go ahead yes it’s from the drip tray. Mm-hmm. Remember when you were a kid, baseball, you’d say, I want a suicide. That would be all the flavors from the machine. You ever do that? Yeah, I know what that is. Then it evolved, and you’re like, I want a suicide, last one, seven up. Yeah. Because then it would taste like seven up, because that was the last one.
Ah, okay. Yeah, I didn’t know you could do that, but okay. Oh, you didn’t do that one? No. Well, I know. I just thought you just put flavors in it. I didn’t know you could control what it tastes like. Yeah, if you put the 7-Up in last, it usually tasted like 7-Up then, as opposed to the nastiness that was all the flavors. Yeah. You want squirt? I want squirt. I did I didn’t do that a lot. I was the kid that was like, I’m not doing that. I’m not allowed. No, I was like, I don’t want, if I’m getting a free drink, cause usually the coach, right? So I’m not ruining it by having all these other flavors in there. Uh, you kids like beer, right? Coach butter maker. That’s right. I was in the bad news bears. Yeah.
I was the stats kid, yeah. You were Eggberg, right? No, I was the catcher. I was the guy with the glasses with the pen and keeping all the stats. I got to be jealous of you. I never actually was in any of that, so I’d actually be jealous of you. Really? You never did Little League or anything? Mm-mm. There was a really short period of time. Just be glad that you weren’t. Yeah. Because it was a really short period of time. My brother was like a really good pitcher for a while. Okay. When he was younger. Right. Yeah. So, well, because he’s really, my brother’s really tall. Right. And he’s got really long arms and everything. So whenever he was really tall, when he was young and the combination of, of that,
And being, you know, mildly coordinated made him a really good pitcher for little league. Okay. All right. Because he could like, you know, really step off the bag, you know, step off the pitcher’s mound forward and really sling that ball because he had this big, long ape arms. He’s throwing feces. That’s right. And so then I get, I’m, I’m, you know, several years younger. So then I get to be of Little League age, and all these people want me on their team because my brother was such a good pitcher. Your legacy. Right, exactly. They’re like, well, if Monkey Boy did really good, then maybe his little brother. Sally. That’s right. We’ll do just as well. I wasn’t as tall. I was tall, but not as tall as him. I still am not. And it was a big letdown.
I got on a team. I had no talent whatsoever. They’re trying to make me a pitcher, and they’re like, this guy sucks. You’re going to break it to him, and he’s shit. Nothing like your brother. I didn’t say I was. Oh, my God. This is hilarious. This is the funniest show. Oh, my God. I got this huge, huge letdown. I got built up because all these people are like, you got to be on our team, son. And I’m like, okay. And then like right during practice before the first game, it’s like, we made a big mistake. Bringing on that kid. Lord, us. Yeah. They’re like, I mean, it’d be all right if he couldn’t hit, but he can’t hit and he can’t throw. Could you run? No. Oh, gee. I couldn’t do any of it. I thought you were this mud volleyball guy that you’re always bragging about. You’re always like, oh. I didn’t do that later in life. I did it better. But when I was a little kid. Mm-hmm.
For Little League, no. I was just terrible. I was a benchwarmer, but nobody knew it. They all just knew my brother. Like, yeah, that kid can throw. He can put some pepper on that ball or whatever the fuck. Old Chuck’s pretty good. Yeah. So, yeah, he got to be kind of a star for a while, and then he kind of got tired of that. Then we got Christy Brown on our team here. That’s right. And so would my foot. And, yeah. I don’t feel so bad about myself. I feel good about myself now. I thought you were going to say what a star you were and all this. No, I was terrible. I became Mr. Right Field. Yeah. If you’ve ever seen WKRP in Cincinnati where Les Nesman gets stuck in right field, that’s me. Oh, okay. All right.
You know, with the piano, the violin lesson playing. Yeah. They tell the kids, you know, again, the coach back in the day, you know, hey, you know, the left-handed batter comes up to hit. It’s going to go to right field. Hey, center field and left field, move over to right. Oh, that is so sad. You guys shift. Shift over. Yeah, yeah. Bob, go all the way to the baseline. Yeah. Just stay out of the way. Now, how did I know that? Because I hated playing. I hate playing baseball. I hate it. I hate it. I used to. I mean, I would enjoy playing baseball whenever, you know. See, I’d play right field, but I didn’t know about that, but I would be so far out. I’d actually almost be like in foul territory. Cause I hate it. Yeah. So that was my little league experience. And then my brother kind of aged out a bit. I think he, as you know, other people got better as they got, he got older and then he got tired of it and, you know, but for a while there, he was, he was quite the, uh, you know,
sought after person right right yeah i remember because the terrible thing is uh i and i mean i knew my little league coach until he died. Uh, and my, who played for my brother played for him and i played for him and so forth, even though he kind of jerked to me but uh but yeah he was a neighbor. He was a neighbor and, uh, he was a a Uh, like a steel worker. He’s a tough, tough guy. Very tough. You know, a whole thing, right? Move over, move over, get your ass over. Everything was, you know, it was, it was very, I grew up in a very blue collar environment. Yeah. Yeah. Not blue collar, but yeah. I was always, always, always the last kid to get picked in gym class. Like no one. Yes. Yes. Cause I hated sports. Like I hated. Yeah. I was that bad. But you know, I had no coordination. I wasn’t good at it. I’m like, no, I’m not the least bit interested. Believe it or not. Believe it or not. Believe it or not. I know you don’t believe me. Well, I mean, you have, you always are wearing sweats. I just assumed you were a Jack. Nope.
Yeah. You’re always wearing the sweats. No, no, but yeah, I didn’t. Yeah. I didn’t fare very well in the, uh, little league. I, I had high, terrible to have your bubble pop like that. So young, you know, it’s like, okay. Yeah. Get your ass out there. Yeah. You know? Yeah. There was a lot of that. I did better. I do better in the non-competitive stuff, you know, where you just, that was my, Yeah. We used to play all the time in the neighborhood with the neighborhood kids. Right. That I could do much better. I was never any good at it, but you didn’t have anybody yelling at you from across the field, you know? Yeah. Right. Like a real game. Yeah. Like a real, yeah, exactly. Like a real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’d be more neighborhood. Yeah. So we played in the neighborhood a lot. Although like a lot of the kids, like,
probably be like six years older than me or older. So pretty much like my kid. No, there wasn’t that many kids like my age though. You know, and that kind of rolled around. It was like, it wasn’t really that many neighborhood kids, you know? Yeah. Gotcha. That baby boom thing, you know, kind of dropped off like. Right. Yeah. That’s true, I guess. But I mean, you’re kind of in between, I suppose, me and my brother, I suppose, in a way. Right. A little bit. Yeah. I’m only like a year older than you. What are you talking about? I’m just saying. That year was a big year. Everybody stopped screwing. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. So how do we get on this? This wasn’t even my story for the night. I don’t know. I thought it was your story. I’m like, well, he has no story. He’s going to go to this old, you know, the coach. I don’t know what the story is. He got a bad touch from the coach or some shit. No, no. He was always a good guy to me. I was friends with his son, and I would go over and help him with his computer and whatnot. What the fuck?
And he was always like, hey, Bobby. I don’t want him on the goddamn team. Yeah, I don’t want him on the computer. That’s all right. An autistic kid comes over with a computer stuff. He’s pretty good. But, yeah, he was always, hey, how you doing? He was always nice to me after that. He just wasn’t nice during the game. Hey, JoJo, come here. Always got carried away. I mean, it was – I think everybody, you know, this was before the age of everybody gets a trophy. Yeah. And I mean, you know, it was really a little hard on your psyche when everybody’s like, Oh my God, you’re, you didn’t say your shit, but they did everything but say your shit. You know what I mean? Right. No, you know, no trophy for you. You don’t, you don’t get a suicide drink or maybe they pin you and they’re like, yeah, you can have one, I guess. Right. You know, no, no accolades.
You know, you get the stink eye. Oh, what’s the batting? What’s the batting lineup? Oh, fuck. The men’s on there. We’re going to lose. Crap. Let’s switch. Can we switch him? Can we switch him? Is it too late? I’m going to hit you an ankle with his back. Yeah, exactly. What? We got to pinch hitter here. He’s got diarrhea. He can’t go on. Yeah, that’s good here. It’s like he’s been at the top level of the Avenged Sevenfold concert, not near a bathroom. Let’s see. Where can we put him in the least amount of damage? Right field. Right field, kid. Right field, kid. Put down the clipboard. Yeah. So, yeah. That’s how we got on all this. Oh, okay. That’s all right. That’s a good reminisce. That’s where it is. I have to be jealous of a guy like you, man. Well,
I guess. I don’t know what there’s to be jealous of. I got, you know, you know, the comparisons to my sibling there was early on and very harsh. Yeah. Yeah. Other than that, luckily I didn’t have that. Well, that’s because your brother didn’t even know what family he was in. I guess I’m here. I just show up for dinner. your brother with those kids that broke into that stuff last night. I don’t know about that. That was my brother growing up. Yeah. I don’t know about that. No, my goodness. I’m trying to think, I can’t remember what my fucking story was for this week. He’s so dumb. Yeah. I can’t I’m, traumatized, like PTSD here. I’m sorry I brought this up, man. I didn’t think I was going to wig you out. I didn’t get to play or anything. I played basketball too, but that was a disaster as well. I had enough humiliation in regular school gym class. It was like, no way I’m going to do some extra bullshit. Whenever they handed out the recorders, I got
traumatized. No, we didn’t have that either. Oh, you didn’t have recorders? Not that I recall, no. You know, the little fake flute things? Oh, I know what a recorder is, my friend. My kids played it, but I didn’t. No, I don’t think we had that. Well, that’s interesting. You know what we had, though, was the worst, like when we were older? Square dancing. I’m like, oh, my God. I hate, oh, my God. The worst. Since I can’t remember what the hell I was going to talk about, I can tell you a square dancing story from high school. Square dancing was terrible. There was this poor guy who was in my gym class. At that time, you weren’t segregated for levels. He was a year younger. I don’t know how they screwed up the schedule or something. Everybody’s mixed in, right?
and for gym class. And then, um, so we’re doing the square dancing and i had the, well, you’ve changed partners in your square, whoever you are, but i was paired up with my, uh, my neighbor who i knew and she was a year older. And then there was me. it was your younger well we’re square dancing away there. which I don’t even, I never have understood why they had a square dance. Yeah. I never understood that. I don’t understand. You know, we’re in the curriculum. Is this supposed to be beneficial? But, uh, this guy, um, popped a boner. Oh, he was dancing with you? Yeah. It wasn’t me. And it wasn’t dancing with me. He pops a boner during square dancing. And you clearly saw this. I was not the one who blew the whistle on this. Did you see it or did you feel it? I didn’t feel it. Promenade.
Well, you had to wear your gym clothes while you square danced. For whatever reason, sometimes we would do regular. I think they did street clothes after this, to be honest with you. But he had those gym clothes on. And so there was an obvious outline that became more prominent. Yeah. Yeah. He’s got a boner. Well, the terrible thing was we kept square dancing. Yeah. And he kept square dancing and trying to pull his shirt down at the same time. While all these guys were yelling boner at him every time they walked by him. And the girls were like skirting him. They were going around. It just goes to show you how much control school has over children. We literally kept square dancing while this was all going on. Boner! Boner! He’s got a boner!
you know yeah finally the coaches come over and like what’s going on here and they’re like hey kevin you go down and shower gotta take care of that, son. Yeah. I was like, I’m like, this is like a bizarre thing. I’m like, why are we still square dancing? Yeah. I kept, I kept going too though so i’m not yeah you know, this is how, and this is how, you know, things get out of hand quickly. Yeah. Keep going. I’ve never been an excited square dancing never been well have you been wearing your gym clothes? We had to wear gym clothes and we went to gym every day, first of all. Were the girls wearing their gym clothes as well? I’m trying to remember the girl that he was interested in who was his partner and I can’t remember now. I think we were allowed to wear street clothes for that. We weren’t allowed to until after this incident and then it was always in the street clothes. You had to wear red shorts and then
You had to wear a reversible red or blue shirt. Yeah. Required. Required. We were the Bears colors, my friend. We were cool. Yeah. Yeah. And there were those 70s shorts, you know, late 70s where they’re kind of like kind of lycra of rayon fibers. Natural, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this poor guy, he had a lot of troubles. He had to pay his mother to cut his hair, this poor guy. Oh, wow. Yeah, this was really, yeah. I mean, he’s not out of school yet, and his mom was charging him for haircuts, and they were really bad haircuts. That’s a little weird. The whole family was weird, yeah. I don’t think my mom ever cut my hair. Really? No. I don’t think I ever let my mom cut. Well, maybe when I was really little, but I don’t think I ever let her cut it in high school. I know that.
I wouldn’t let – I just only within the last, what, decade or five years, what would it have been, decade probably, have let my wife cut my hair. Yeah, she does a good job. Prior to that, I wouldn’t even let her do it. I was like, why? I can cut your hair. I’m like, no, it’ll become a problem if I let her cut my hair. My wife cuts my hair all the time. Well, there you go. I’m not paying like 30 bucks for a haircut anymore. Right. Well, that’s where I’m at now. I’m like, oh, screw it. I don’t have that much hair anyway, so why not? Who cares? I mean, well, I have a lot more hair than you, but… That’s true. That’s true. I will concede that you have a lot more hair than I do. I cut my hair maybe four times a year, but I don’t cut it. Really? That’s all? Four times? Probably. But yeah. That’s weird. Yeah, that poor kid. I mean, he was really…
ridiculed from then on boner everybody walked by him boner hey boner boner donaldson look at him yeah oh god he had a lot of other problems though i don’t know whatever happened to him but he uh he was he was infatuated i just had to ride the bus with him too which makes it even worse uh he had this weird fascination with dana plato strokes yeah Yeah. How do you know this? Because he was on the bus talking about Dana Plato all the time. He’s probably the one that killed her. No, I don’t think so. Yeah. Didn’t she die of drug overdose or something? I think she did, yeah. So, no, he would get the Sunday TV thing and he’d cut her picture out of it and all that kind of stuff and put it on his notebooks and stuff like that.
yeah he was like, he was serial killer material yeah that’s way too much, yeah. He’d be like, I’m gonna date Dana Plato. Yeah. He was not on my list, yeah. Yeah, no, I was like what you know there’s I went to school with, I mean, you think that I’m the weird one, but I went to school with a lot of weird kids, him being one of the weirder ones. And then there was this other kid who played the drums constantly. Yeah. But there were no drums. So he would just… With his mouth, he’d go… Michael Winslow? Was it Michael Winslow? It wasn’t Michael Winslow. It was this kid. And anytime we were at lunch or at recess or whatever, he’d be sitting in the corner playing the drums. Yeah.
that was his thing. Yeah, he would just and it got to be the point where we’d be like, you know, hey, Ralphie, play the drums. And then he’d go, okay. Drum solo. He was so odd I mean he would try to do it in class and get in trouble, and then he’d wait till he got out of class, and then he’d just sit around and play the drum I’m Peter Criss. Oh, that’s a little weird. Yeah. We had drum playing kid. We had boner kid. Trying to think who else. All these weird kids. I went to school with a guy who was a genius. Yeah. I was kind of friends with him. His real name was Jeffrey, but everybody called him Skippy because he skipped grades. Yeah.
He skipped a couple grades, right? Yeah. So everybody called him Skippy. And oddly enough, he was okay with it for quite a while. It’s okay. We go, hey, Skip. He’s like, hey. Hey, Skippy. Yeah. And so, yeah, Skippy. Hey, Skippy. Yeah. But he was a nice kid, but he was really literal about everything. Yeah. Good old Skipster. Yeah. but he never had the boner problem or played drums. I remember. That was weird. But he, uh, I’m trying to think his dad was a professor. Oh, and then his brother was like a no good loser. Like didn’t do anything. And then Skippy was a genius. Yeah. It was weird. It was this weird dynamic because his brother was always like, had these, I kept seeing his brother after we got out of school and,
He’s always working at fast food places. Oh! Hey, Bob! I guess he just turned into a real stoner and as far as I know, he worked at fast food places the rest of his life. I don’t know. Oh, no. Because much like my sporting situation, his brother was so smart, everybody thought, oh, he’ll be smart too. No, he was an idiot. Ha ha! He was a total idiot, so then they all discounted him. Yeah. Yeah, but his dad used to – he was taught at community college, so anyway. He would play chess with people, right? So he’d do the multiple chess boards kind of thing. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I played chess with him a couple times when I was at college.
His brother’s name was Droppy because he dropped out. Well, he was younger, so I didn’t have a… Skippy jumped up to our class, and so then we called him Skippy. Hey, Skippy. Now you’ve got me wondering about all these people. I’ll have to look them up. Oh, man. All I heard about is all the chicks you boned. I haven’t heard about all of them. This guy’s got a list. He’s like, ah, he does this. Just to clarify, in case anybody listening that I know, that’s not a true statement. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Not a true statement. It’s Skippy, though. Yeah. Like the peanut butter. Yeah. That’s weird. I don’t think we have a lot of nicknames for kids. I don’t remember. Really? Well, you and I, all we did do is nickname people in college. Well, that was different. We wanted to make fun of people. Well, what do you think I was doing? No, I don’t remember. I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of kids having nicknames like that. Really? I had a nickname. I don’t think I can say it.
I don’t know what yours would be. No, I will tell you off the recording because it’s probably racist at this point in time. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that’s not our show. We don’t do that. Yeah, it probably would be considered a slur at this point in my life. Back then, people would call me that. I was like, whatever. Yeah, that’s weird. Yeah, well, you know. Well, we definitely went to two different high schools. I give you that. I give you that. That’s true. Go figure. Skippy, if you’re listening, send me a note. I’m sorry. I apologize. I’m sure I did some terrible things.