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Congratulations on your commitment to optimized self-care — with your purchase of an all-inclusive, all-invasive Oura Ring Fitness-Tracker Piercing. Here’s what besties chasing their best lives need to know.

What are Fitness-Tracker Piercings?

In collaboration with Oura Ring, Claire’s innovative wellness wearables are now available at abandoned malls nationwide. Packed with high-tech features in every rhinestone, these bedazzled fitness trackers can record your weight, workouts, and general well-being. Acutely. Accurately. Eternally.

How does it work?

Using the same rusty piercing guns from 1996, every in-store installation is performed by a trusted Claire’s Specialist (a teenage employee-in-training named Madison who would rather be working at Hollister).

Once your Oura Ring Piercing is embedded in the appropriate lobe, cartilage, or currently trending orifice, micro-sensors tap your biometrics like a landline, directly connecting your body via Bluetooth to our pinky-promise-secure cloud server.

What types of rings can I get?

Claire’s exclusive Oura Ring Piercings easily outpace generic fitness trackers, featuring a limited-edition lineup for the next generation of anxious, awkward adolescents. Forget pedometers. This is a total somatic surveillance system. A revolution in wellness technology that makes the Apple Watch look analog.

Most-requested products include the FabDiet Tongue Bead, StepCount Septum Elite, and the all-new Oura Nipple Ring (available in Rose Gold, Midnight Black, and Areola Purple).

Likewise, customers combating stubborn belly fat may benefit from our FitSpark Starter Studs, which provide a shocking incentive (up to 50K volts!) if you even smell Cinnabon.

What data does it track?

Yes.

I mean, what exactly do they measure?

Every Oura Ring Piercing closely monitors your steps, temperature, BPM, sleep quality, caloric intake, spending habits, and comprehensive emotional disposition.

Tough week with your angsty tween? Take a peek at the in-app hormone meter for a glitter-gel chart of their pubertal development.

Who can see my data?

Unfortunately, that’s confidential. Unlike your data. Also, your cholesterol looks a little high, babe.

Is it safe?

Since the first cave-parent caught their kid poking fishbones in their unibrow, Claire’s has offered a slightly more sanitary alternative to DIY home piercings.

However, for customers yearning for the nostalgia of Zippo-heated nails, safety pins, and sewing needles, ask about our Y2K Pre-Infected Collection.

Unless you’re asking about cybersecurity? That’s a little fuzzy (like our Caterpillar Mood Hoops). Across the product line, Oura Ring Piercings put the “party” in unrestricted third-party access.

Is it going to hurt?

After rigorous testing on stuffed animals and seasonal sales associates, Claire’s can confidently state that the majority of participants experience minimal discomfort during installation — provided they don’t flinch, squirm, sneeze, or breathe.

A pinprick today, a lifetime of hyperawareness — as your Oura Ring Piercing meticulously catalogs every fault and flaw of your frail, failing body.

Is it supposed to burn?

Have you reached your daily step goal yet?

If your piercing suddenly seethes with the searing heat of a molten branding iron, that’s just our Feel The Burn™ technology in action.

Can I disable some of these features?

Absolutely. You’re in control!

You can disable: yourself.

Can I at least turn down the shock vibrations?

Our patent-pending BodyBuzz Extreme Haptics cannot be removed or reduced. For too long, Claire’s customers have been forced to rely on the human body’s natural signals and hormone triggers. Ick. Ew. Boring!

Now, Claire’s can play your physiology like the scratched Britney Spears CD it is — easily capable of producing shivers down your spine, butterflies in your stomach, or fathomless, full-body shame.

Please note that in the event of attempted removal, all Oura-powered self-care devices will self-destruct.

Where do I sign up?

Simply plug the address of your nearest Claire’s into MapQuest, hover outside as if you’re having second thoughts, and before you can ask, “wait, didn’t Claire’s close like 20 years ago?” — an overly familiar assistant manager will scribble on you with Sharpie like a stoned anesthesiologist, then bodily strap you down in a ripped, pink barber’s chair that smells like hot pennies.

Originally published on Slackjaw.