If you’re drooping, stooping, or having trouble pooping, please enjoy this supplement to the classic puberty guide—helping man-children like you learn about their changing (deteriorating) bodies.
Q: What’s going on with my knees?
A: Do they ache constantly in a way that’s hard to define and even harder to bear? Excellent. Your feeble joints are degrading nicely.
Q: What’s going on with my teeth?
A: Your teeth will turn on you like a hungry hyena, cackling as your pearly whites fade to jaundiced amber. Eroded enamel. Receding gums. Decaying wisdom teeth, and your 10,000-watt smile—found rotting.
Q: Is my breath worse?
A: Good news: your breath was never great.
But yes, you can expect a particular pungency. A rancidness fermented over decades of soda, cigarettes, and forgetting to brush. At this point, skip the mouthwash—you’re better off scrubbing your tongue with sanitizer.
Q: Can you explain my eyebrows?
A: Most men are either cursed with male-pattern forehead balding or “blessed” with a full unibrow that wraps around their head like a halo of hairy caterpillars.
But for your tufted wisps? Have fun auditioning brown colored pencils at OfficeMax.
Q: This sucks?? I don’t feel any different on the inside.
A: How wonderful for you. Hold onto that! You’ll need every scrap of youthful pluck to bear the brutal nightmare of the aging human body.
Q: What about my testosterone? Is it going up?
A: Up? Adorable. Gravity is pitiless, and dwindling testosterone guarantees that for the rest of your life, everything will have a harder and harder time going “up.”
Q: What about my metabolism? Is it slowing down?
A: You tell me, Paunchy. Why don’t you jiggle your potbelly like a Magic 8-Ball and find out?
Q: Can I still build muscle?
A: Sure. Kind of. It depends? The real struggle is whether you’ll have the energy, patience, or free time to work out. Your body is slower. Weaker. Prone to injury. But hey, no gains without sprains.
Q: What about hair loss?
A: Your hairline was only ever on loan. Can you lose something that was never really yours?
Be grateful you were gifted a generous allotment—blessed in puberty with overactive follicles on your chest, back, and groin. Now, it’s time to part ways with your side-part, and start exploring fedoras, head shaving, and toupées.
Q: Should I start dyeing my, uh, privates?
A: Oh, is someone crying over their salt-and-pepper bush? Don’t be a child. Likewise, please use the proper terminology: penis brow.
Q: Why are my ears getting bigger and hairier? How do I make it stop?
A: Aha! That’s where the hair went!
Once wires sprout out of your ears, it’s over. Your hair will continue to grow, as surely as your ears will lengthen, until your furry lobes can dust the dandruff off your shoulders.
But if you want to avoid looking like a 900-year-old Jedi Master, stick a trimmer in your ears, you must.
Q: Is that like a colonoscopy?
A: Ha ha. No. We’ll get to colonoscopies.
Q: I threw out my back reaching for a glass on the top shelf?
A: Maybe cool it with the Olympic gymnastics, champ. You’re one bend-and-snap away from snapping in half. One slip from a slipped disc. Soon, it’ll only take a big sneeze to send you to the ER.
In the future, please exhibit due caution when performing full-throttle maneuvers like tying your shoe or rolling over in bed.
Q: What’s going on with women during this phase?
A: Shut your damn mouth is what’s going on. While you’re pouting about your elongated earlobes and pewter penis brow, your female friends are undergoing a perilous crucible of hormonal upheaval.
Q: Why can’t I pee anymore? I read this entire FAQ while standing at a urinal.
A: Hey, just be grateful you can still squeeze out a few drops.
Picture waterfalls. Appreciate the anticipation. Maybe get your prostate checked.
Q: Is that what a colonoscopy is for? How do I get a colonoscopy? Do I have to?
A: Lucky for you, a colonoscopy and a rectal exam are two separate tickets to Funtown!
Your doctor can check your prostate. Or I can recommend my ex, Jeremy. More affordable, less professional, but he has warm, tiny hands.
Q: Am I going to get a chronic disease?
A: Undoubtedly. Rest assured, everyone gets something. Fingers crossed your debilitating medical condition waits to emerge until your golden years!
Will the agent of your undoing be genetic? An act of God? Freak accident? Homicide? Heart attack, lung disease, brain cancer? The options are infinite and horrific. Death waits for us all! Isn’t that neat?
Q: So what’s the best thing I can do for my body?
A: Honestly? Invest in a burial plot. Smoke a cigar. Enjoy steak, bacon, and chorizo until a doctor physically stops you from touching red meat. Meanwhile, pray for a leap in technology that lets you transfer your consciousness into a cholesterol-proof robot.
Q: Wait, what about the colonoscopy?
A: Jeremy accepts Medicare, but he only works Sunday nights.
Next stop: Funtown.
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