Carly Rae Jepsen = Multivitamin Gummy

Concentrated optimism. Label warns against exceeding the recommended dose, but I’ve been doing two a day since 2015.

Ariana Grande = Zoloft

Sands the edges of human suffering. A sound bath for the soul. A capsulized whistle tone. Take as needed for heartache, depression, and ennui.

Madonna = Vitamin D3

Life-sustaining sustenance injected directly into your veins by the m***********g sun. A hard reset to your sympathetic nervous system / very concept of sympathy.

Rihanna = Nicotine Patch

Slap this on for 24 hours of “over you” energy. Flip off everyone on the conference call. Sever ties with your Slack channel. Ditch your job, dump your boyfriend, and pursue your dream of a steady gig with a fat salary and long-term AI resistance. Oh, that doesn’t exist? Here’s another patch.

Chappell Roan = EpiPen

Instantly alleviates allergic reactions to heteronormative culture. One jab, and you’re hot to go. It’s like bringing a ketamine-laced sugar cube to the Pink Pony Club.

Kacey Musgraves = Pre-Legalization Cannabis (Hybrid)

You’re 26 years old at Lollapalooza taking your first-ever hit off a stranger’s joint. You are encased in light, warmth, and understanding. Where has this been all your life? Where is the nearest food truck?

Beyoncé = LASIK

A 45-minute outpatient procedure and everything snaps into formation as Dr. Sasha Fierce permanently alters your perspective. Plus, you can see Cowboy Carter giddy-up in 4k from your $800 seat in the upper mezzanine.

Sabrina Carpenter = Pepto-Bismol

Bubblegum-pink relief for romance-related heartburn and the nausea of dating a manchild. Also helpful when you’ve had too much espresso. Pleasant mouthfeel. Vintage packaging. Grammy-certified.

Taylor Swift = Invisalign

An aching, expensive obsession. You tried it as a teen (copying your friends), stuck with it after those other posers quit, then reinvented yourself in plain sight. Now you’re banging football players, and they’re still on the bleachers.

Kylie Minogue = Placebo

You don’t need drugs, diagnoses, or straight men. Listen to what your padam padam is trying to tell you. Snap your thermometer in half, find the nearest gay disco, and sweat it out, sister.

Dua Lipa = Unlimited PTO

You’re a globetrotter. A trendsetter. A wanderlust girlie lost in Ibiza, and you’re not even tripping. You’re pressure-testing your company’s vacation policy like a paid sabbatical. Actually, do you even still work here?

Britney Spears = Ambien, B***h

You took your mom’s meds by mistake, then rode the rollercoaster of life till the rails fell off. Now it’s 4 am at the clerb and you’re juggling knives for an enrapt audience of barflies and future ex-boyfriends.

Charli xcx = Craigslist Adderall

You’re resourceful. Driven. Open-minded. You probably have finals on Monday, and skipped every lecture that started before noon. Is it safe? What is safe? Should we start a club? A business? A band??

Kesha = Medicinal Ecstasy

You thought your youth ended when you grew out of your skinny jeans, but just one dose, and you’re dancing on the counter (please get down) and swigging a bottle of Jack (ma’am, I’m not going to ask you again). Your love is my drug, but it’s even better on molly.

Lady Gaga = Poppers

The equivalent of huffing video cleaner at a warehouse orgy on Venus. Your doctor did not prescribe this. Your father would not approve. This is not a treatment recognized, recommended, or condoned by the FDA—which makes it even hotter.

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