Audio Tidbits

Warning: This episode of Audio Tidbits Podcast contains significant violence and strong language so is not suitable for children or for teens or adults who are sensitive to family violence or strong language.

Our discussion of family malfunction moves to a new dimension extended from the last episode: Just One Big Unhappy Family. The vignettes in this episode follow one family over thirty years or so and track the evolution of its malfunction. You see that problems unattended become a dysfunctional life style that leads to places few would choose to go. The illustrations are based on real people and on a real family. The best that can be said is that everyone survived. I hope you find the half hour or so it takes to listen is a good investment of your time and compassionate emotions.

If what you see is one big happy family, there may be many reasons and explanations, not that any of these are necessary. Happy is normally its own accounting. If what you see is one big unhappy family, there are only a few likely reasons, and explanations totally depend on who you ask. Emotional distress, psychological and interpersonal malfunction and unhealthy family environments typically have their base in only a limited number of problems and issues. Being able to spot these problems and issues is the key to helping your family avoid even more devastating unhappiness. In this episode of Audio Tidbits Podcast, I share with you a series of vignettes that illustrate the range of mental health and interpersonal issues unhappy families commonly experience. I am simply assuming that you know enough to find qualified help if any of these signs of serious difficulty show up in your family.

Can you deal with riding the train to nowhere? At first it is just weird, then it gets boring and gradually you find yourself too agitated to continue the trip. Few have the patience and self-discipline to handle the whole ride. Try it to see if you are up to the trip. Few are. – Pro tip: Focus on the rumble and not on the tune.

Let's not forget the young pessimist. We have been introduced before and best remember. If there is to be a better day for him in an America that is great for all, it's up to you and me and up to leaders who truly care about our young pessimist.

Are you a fan of work/home balance or other versions of the balanced life? Keeping your life in balance is certainly a popular notion, especially work/home balance. As appealing as the idea is, I suspect it is probably not possible and is definitely not something to aspire to. More to my point, a balanced life would be silly.

a non-neglecting life would also be good, as would a life where every aspect gets its due, all the time, every time, no exceptions, no excuses. That too is simply not possible and trying to achieve it would be equally silly.

In this episode of Audio Tidbits Podcast, I discuss the why and what of the silliness and suggest a reasonable and doable alternative. Please listen and judge just how well a dynamic life would work for you as an alternative to that balanced life you hear so much about.

Greetings and thank you for the opportunity to speak with you today about one of life's important lessons that far too many of us overlook. We should have learned, did learn, but show others through our behavior that our personal education has fallen a bit short. Think of this as remedial education. You, like I, have heard the lecture but occasionally need reminded. The lesson is there for each of us. I will try harder to take it to heart and hope you do as well.

Life's most important lessons are amazingly varied and can be quite confusing. Even so, they most all have two things in common. First, they usually are not particularly complicated. It certainly can sometimes take a while to get it; but once you do get it, the lesson is normally straight-up and to the point. Second, and here is the rub, the lessons invariably are a "So now you tell me!" kind of thing. Oh sure, hindsight is 20/20, live and learn, no one is perfect, and you are only human. Nonetheless, having learned your lesson is not much consolation once you have already missed important opportunities to achieve personal excellence with people and important relationships. Yes, you may do better the next time; but your chance to get it right the first time has passed and will not return. Much better is to get it right, the first time, on time, every time. …

It is certainly true no one is perfect, you are only human, and things only work out just the way you want them to in the movies. Life can be a real bear sometimes; but fortunately, you do not have to take responsibility for life. You are only on the hook for who you are and what you do. Here is a suggestion worth taking to heart. Start with developing a Proactive Personal Style PPS that sets you apart, that lets everyone know you are a class act.

Think about people you know who stand out from the crowd, people who are certifiable class acts. They have three techniques down pat. First, they are originals. Their style and approach with people and situations are their trademarks. Second, they are not on-again, off-again. They are always uniquely themselves. Third, and here is the key: it is no accident. They usually make it seem easy and natural; but take a closer look and you will soon understand and appreciate how hard they work at it. They consciously and purposely do everything they do, with style, all the time, on purpose, one situation at a time, one person at a time.

Proactive Personal Style is not grounded in flashy clothes, gestures of affection, superficial interest, staged behavior, or anything else serving only to call attention to the individual. It is grounded in commitment, sincerity, and personal integrity. It is the stuff toward which admiration flows, the special ingredient setting the interpersonal standard others aspire to follow.

Perhaps you are acquainted with an interpersonal superstar. Even better, perhaps you are yourself someone who has reached the interpersonal pinnacle. If so, you know the PPS elite provide a value-added benefit for others they cannot get from the merely competent. Many people have their occasional flashes of brilliance; but the crème de la crème work their wizardry consistently, creatively, and in virtually every situation.

Of course, there is their uncanny ability to anticipate problems and opportunities and their simply taking it for granted people usually are trying to do what is right. As important as that is, they have an even more important secret. They always remember and own everything they say, agree to, and do. The PPS bottom line is integrity; and following the lead of people who have it is a certain path to your unique Proactive Personal Style.

Now we know, are reminded again. May both of us do better as we pursue our futures, with style, all the time, on purpose.

Friedman, Edwin H. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. New York: Seabury Books, 2007.

The more my perspective broadened, the more confirmed I became in my view that contemporary leadership dilemmas have less to do with the specificity of given problems, the nature of a particular technique, or the makeup of a given group than with the way everyone is framing the issues.

In any type of institution whatsoever, when a self-directed, imaginative, energetic, or creative member is being consistently frustrated and sabotaged rather than encouraged and supported, what will turn out to be true one hundred percent of the time, regardless of whether the disrupters are supervisors, subordinates, or peers, is that the person at the very top of that institution is a peace-monger. By that I mean a highly anxious risk-avoider, someone who is more concerned with good feelings than with progress, someone whose life revolves around the axis of consensus, a "middler," someone who is so incapable of taking well-defined stands that his "disability" seems to be genetic, someone who functions as if she had been filleted of her backbone, someone who treats conflict or anxiety like ## mustard gas--one whiff, on goes the emotional gas mask, and he flits. Such leaders are often "nice," if not charming.

What counts is the leader's presence and being, not technique and know-how. …

A leader must separate his or her own emotional being from that of his or her followers while still remaining connected. Vision is basically an emotional rather than a cerebral phenomenon, depending more on a leader's capacity to deal with anxiety than his or her professional training or degree.

For the endeavor to gain more regulation over one's own reactive mechanisms requires commitment to the lifetime project of being willing to be continually transformed by one's experience. Frankly, it is easier to focus on data and technique. Yet, at this point, I am convinced that to the extent leaders of any family or institution are willing to make a lifetime commitment to their own continual self-regulated growth, they can make any leadership theory or technique look brilliant.

To be a leader, one must both have and embody a vision of where one wants to go. It is not a matter of knowing or believing one is right; it is a matter of taking the first step.

One of the major limitations of imagination's fruits is the fear of standing out. It is more than a fear of criticism. It is anxiety at being alone, of being in a position where one can rely little on others, a position that puts one's own resources to the test, a position where one will have to take total responsibility for one's own response to the environment. Leaders must not only not be afraid of that position; they must come to love it.

The conventions through which we try to understand human relationships today may be as misoriented as was the medieval view of heaven and earth. Thus to suggest that gender, ethnicity, and psychological profiles are not the stuff of human relationships, or that the concentrated focus on data, method, feelings, and togetherness is misguided, can sound as counterintuitive today as it would have been in Columbus's time to say that the Earth revolves around the Sun. On the other hand, from the perspective of the emotional process view of reality that I shall develop here, the way most leadership programs understand the human phenomenon is tantamount to still assuming that the world is flat.

A leader's major effect on his or her followers has to do with the way his or her presence affects the emotional processes in the relationship system. A leader's major job is to understand his or her self. Communication depends on emotional variables such as direction, distance, and anxiety. Stress is due to becoming responsible for the relationships of others. Hierarchy is a natural systems phenomenon rooted in the nature of protoplasm.

Pitch in and do what needs done.

Leaders are doers. This is a simple principle but a proactive leader has elevated it to an art form. You can count on a proactive leader to do what needs done and to give his 110%. Lazy is not a term anyone uses when talking about a proactive leader.

What you also need to know is that he expects the same from everyone on his team. Put this in context though. Pitching in does not apply to other people's work. If it needs done and they are not doing it, you can be certain it will get done, even if he needs to do it himself. At the same time, a proactive leader will take whatever action is necessary to assure such negligence does not recur. Doing what needs done starts with doing what you are expected to do.

Having said that, there is always this and that needing done with no one specifically responsible for doing it. On a proactive leader's team, it does not have to be said that he will and does pitch in. The same level of responsibility and initiative is the order of the day for everyone else. …

Keep focused on getting the job done.

Of course, a proactive leader does not get into being negative and depressed about things. You already know he accepts personal responsibility for his attitude and behavior. He knows too it is easy to lose focus, to lose track of the goal.

Here is where a proactive leader along with all truly effective leaders excels. Every event, every situation, every transaction is viewed by a proactive leader through the mission's lens. Others may let their focus drift, but a proactive leader is always there to bring them back. Others may be more focused some days than others, but he is there to sharpen their perspectives, to keep them continuously on task.

How does he do this? It always comes down to his bottom line. He is obsessed with why he does what he does and with the cost of not doing it well, the first time, on time, every time. For a proactive leader, the potential cost of losing focus is just too high.

Have faith in those who make the journey with you.

This starts with living the values and beliefs that are the trademarks of leaders who have carefully developed excellence. Specifically, it starts with not reflexively blaming or accusing someone whenever there is a problem. That initial level of faith is followed by believing people are normally honest and trustworthy. If you start by assuming a problem's coming up does not necessarily mean someone screwed up, you have opened your mind to the alternative possibilities. Assuming that team members are honest and trustworthy allows you to comfortably collaborate with them. Together, in the spirit of trust and good faith, you can best understand the problem and how to reduce the likelihood of its recurring.

a proactive leader knows problems are usually not caused by anyone's inadequacy or failure. They are caused by the unexpected, by the improbable, or by things that could not be predicted or controlled. To start with the people instead of the problem runs a high chance of never solving the problem. It also runs an even higher risk of breaking trust with people, with the team. If the problem turns out to be with one or more of the people, a proactive leader has strategies for handling that, but he has faith in you and invariably initiates problem solving from a good faith perspective.

What do you think so far? Is a proactive leader a leader worthy of being followed by you? He is certainly demanding of those who would follow and has very high expectations for anyone who would join his team. If a proactive leader's mission is one with which you identify, do you think teaming with him is your path to success? a proactive leader is intense and not particularly open to those who would try to change or modify his mission. If you want to go where he is going, then welcome aboard. If not, he has no interest in your stepping onto his train.

a proactive leader has a clear vision and equally clear rules for how those o...

It's been a while since I've shared a new post with you. OK, it has been quite a while. For my first post for a very long time, I thought a rhythmic excursion might be just what you have been hoping I would have for you. Well, here it is. I hope it was worth the wait.

It is easy to start analyzing ourselves and others in our groups and organizations and to take what happens personally. A better way to look at what goes on is to understand that people grow into certain roles or styles and are usually just being whomever they are out of habit or just because that is the way their personalities are. They are just being TATORS. If we are able to understand this and accept them for the TATOR they are, we will be a lot more comfortable.

Which tator are you?

1. Agitator: Ajy likes to keep things stirred up, find fault, criticize, and make things seem worse than they really are.

2. Anitator: Anny likes to have the last word, always “gets his/her two cents worth in,” and always has an opinion on everything and likes to show others that he/she knows more than everyone else.

3. Commentator: Common likes to be sure that everyone knows everything that is going on, is in charge of gossip and “tattling,” and seems to talk all the time even if no one wants to listen or if everyone already knew about what is being said.

4. Dictator: Dick likes to take charge, boss everyone around, be the one who makes all the decisions, and generally be in charge of everything whether or not it is his/her business or responsibility.

5. Gravitator: Gravi is pretty much of a “couch potato,” always hanging around and there when others want a little privacy, and always seems to be too tired to help out, do things, or get out of the way.

6. Hesitator: Hezy can never decide, always waits to see what someone else’s opinion is and then uses that one, is very unsure of himself/herself, goes out of the way not to offend anyone or get anyone upset, and thinks that if he/she can please everyone all the time things will be okay.

7. Levitator: Leva thinks he/she is just a little better than everyone else, is sort of above it all most of the time, seems like he/she is looking down the nose at others, and feels pretty much superior to everyone else.

8. Meditator: Meda seems to take forever to do things because he/she has to think everything over very carefully before doing something, never wants to do anything quickly or on the spur of the moment because anything worth doing is worth thinking through carefully, and is usually hard to talk with because everything has to be analyzed and discussed in great detail.

9. Militator: Milla is always on guard and ready to go to war, will argue with anyone about anything anytime, never gives an inch, and is ready to stand his/her ground with anyone who tries to take advantage or confront him/her.

10. Precipitator: Precipi is one of those TATORS that is able to get other people into arguments and then walk away, say or do things that get others upset and then pretend like he/she is totally innocent, and seems to get things messed up or stirred up without seeming to have started it or without seeming to have been involved.

11. Spectator: Spec likes to stay on the sidelines and not really get involved, simply watch or listen without really participating, and just stays to himself/herself because that seems like the safest way of just getting by without getting involved.

12. Facilitator: Facili does not mind being out of alphabetical order because his/her job is to be helpful, to do things for other people, to be there when others need him/her, and to stay away from things that have to do with accepting responsibility, showing leadership, or running the risk of being blamed for what is done or how things turn out.

13. Baby Sweetator: Baby Sweet is the kind of TATOR that is always happy and cheerful no matter what, is too nice for anyone to get upset with even if he/she does something that they should get upset about, cries or has his/her feelings hurt very easily, and tries to get special treatment just because he/she is s...