Consider the advice before discounting the advisor, read the message before turning away the messenger.

The expertise and insight of the know-it-alls of the world are boundless; and the K-I-A's are ready to provide advice and input anywhere, anytime, for anyone. A K-I-A was there to point out to Noah there may be a flood, to T. Edison playing with electricity might be shocking, and to Neil Armstrong pulling off his helmet and yelling, Where's the party? could take his breath away. There may have even been a K-I-A around to tell Moses to be sure to get it in writing.

The K-I-A openings have an annoyingly familiar theme: Have you thought about? Did you notice? You may want to, and the old stand by, If I were you. Well, thank you very much; and while you are getting the inflection on your sarcasm just right, don't forget Churchill's admonition Even a fool's right sometimes.

Don't let people mess with your monkey.

Making nice and being the Good Samaritan aren't the only skills you need in your interpersonal repertoire. Sure, those skills are essential for success; but you also have to hang tough at times. For example, is there someone driving you up the wall with their suggestions, advice, and superior attitude? They have solutions to problems you don't have, answers to questions you didn't ask, and suggestions for how to handle things you are handling just fine. Their favorite sport is nosing into your business.

Instead of seething inside or giving into the urge to tell them what they can do with their suggestions and opinions, next time, smile and say, Isn't that my monkey? Whatever their response, say, Thank you; but my monkey gets upset if anyone but me tries to handle him.

Whether you have a chance to explain your reasons or can only walk away, don't let arguments get out of hand.

Do you sometimes find yourself in the middle of intense arguments quickly getting nowhere? If so, the instant you realize what's happening, stop talking, wait five seconds, and then calmly ask, What do you want the outcome of this conversation to be? What is your goal?

Ask a few more questions to be sure you understand and to help you determine whether you can support the goal. If so, explain how. If not, say, Your goal isn't one I can support. If you want, I will try to help you understand why I can't. If the person wants to listen, state your reason as clearly and as briefly as you can. If not, let it go.

The best response of all is saved for the podcast. Click and learn for yourself. Even better, subscribe to How To Matter through your favorite podcatcher.

Back when, my dad told me that we get 80% of our points by just showing up and staying all day. For the remaining 20%, the key is how we manage. It is that 20% that separates the winners from those who merely play the game.

I focus on that critical 20% in this episode of How To Matter. In the podcast, I suggest a strategy you can use to do as well as you know to do, with style, all the time on purpose. I hope you click play to listen.

If you want to be sure you don't miss future episodes of How To Matter, just search for How To Matter in the podcatcher of your choice and subscribe. After that, each episode will be there for you as soon as they are published.

Simon says, Your success is just an attitude away.

 

As with most of life's important adventures, the door to your success potential unlocks with attitude, attitude, attitude; and you hold the key. Unlocking your unlimited potential rests on your fully committing to your success. For you, anything less than success is unacceptable. Coming close, a good try, nearly succeeding, and other versions of not quite making the grade just do not do. Others may be satisfied with having played a good game; but your vision for yourself does not include second place.

 

How do you develop the success attitude? You start by understanding if you do not expect to succeed, you are likely right. Successful people make it look easy but appearances can be very misleading. Your success is the most challenging work you ever have the opportunity to do. If you do not believe you are up to the challenge, it is all too easy to fail. What's more, you quickly see failing is far easier than succeeding. To succeed, you not only believe you have what it takes to succeed, you believe you are up to the challenge. For you, success is not merely a possibility, it is inevitable.

 

Your journey to success does not come with a guarantee. There certainly are pitfalls and hazards along the way. You know the potential to succeed is permanently bound to the possibility of failure. Despite the risk, you are committed to your success, keep your focus on the rewards of succeeding, know anything else is a precursor to personal disaster.

 

No, Simon is definitely not suggesting you ignore the risks or discount the danger. What's more, your personal success coach certainly knows it is safer for you to do only what you are supposed to do, follow the rules, and trust the world will reward you. Others depend on you to do what they want done; and you are dependent on them for everything. If this fits your vision for yourself, it may turn out just fine, assuming you hitched your horse to the right wagon. If instead, you do not see yourself spending your life pulling someone else's wagon, it is time for a new vision for your future, one putting who you are and who you will become on the same success path.

 

Do you see yourself on the success path? If so, you have the attitude it takes to succeed. You imagine yourself succeeding; you know you will succeed. It is the only alternative worthy of your valuable time and personal interest.

 

Where is the point about PRIDE, you ask? I hope your curiosity prompts you to click the play button to learn how PRIDE is essential for your success, essential for you to succeed.

Sharks are involved and decisive. They are very much into being individuals who are not part of the group and who definitely operate in their own interest. Being involved takes the form of being extremely alert, aware of what is going on, and prepared to act quickly and efficiently. Decisiveness is a major characteristic, with sharks being able to make a decision and act on it without hesitation or second guessing.

 

Seals are helpful and playful. They are definitely part of the group and social participation is a high priority for them. They like being helpful, doing things for and with others, and making things work out well for everyone. They also have an ability to be helpful in a fun way, with playfulness being one of their primary characteristics.

 

That leaves buttheads. Well, for that you will need to press play and find out first hand. It may surprise you.

In episode twenty-one of How To Matter, I talk about personal space. The discussion focuses on physical, emotional, moral, social, sexual, and intellectual boundaries, ours and those of other people. Just as we do not want others to cross our personal boundaries without our permission, we need to take care not to cross the personal boundaries of other people without their permission, their consent. Being able to judge and then respect the appropriate distance from other people is an important key to assuring that we are someone who matters, in the most positive sense of mattering. I hope you press the play button and listen to the discussion.

* Always be as dependable as you are capable of being.

 

Slot one in this special six-pack is reserved for dependability. If you tell someone they can depend on you, does that mean your commitment to them is as if you made it to yourself? If so, people need only watch you to see how well you take care of yourself. That is as dependable as you are capable of being; so there you go.

 

* Be energetic and ready to fly at a moment’s notice.

 

Slot two is reserved for energy. If you were born tired and haven't rested up yet, you may as well hang it up; but if you are energetic and prepared to give every opportunity your best, you may be ready to join the ardent high-flyers.

 

* Seriously consider what is important to other people.

 

Slot three is set aside for consideration. If you are ready for the give-and-take of living and working with people, you always take their needs and interests, goals and motivations into consideration. You don't reflexively defer to their values and beliefs, want to's and got to's; but you put them into the equation as you set your priorities and make your plans.

 

* Put being honest with yourself as priority No. 1 and consistently apply the principle.

 

Slot four is for honesty. Sure, you are as good as your word; and when you make a commitment, people can take it to the bank, as they say; but this version of honesty isn't for other people. It's for you. Are your motivations as pure as you say they are; are you as committed as you claim; are you as interested in others as you seem; are you being as straight-up and forthcoming as you profess to be? It's a fact you can fool some people all the time and most everyone now and then; but fooling yourself is worse than foolish. It's taking dishonesty to a new and often irreversible low.

 

* Sustain your positive approach every time, with everyone.

 

Slot five is saved for the positive approach. This is not the pasted on smile, glad hand, and Isn't everything wonderful? phoniness some slick types try to pass off as the genuine article, just as it isn't some kind of nonsensical philosophy like, Some good comes out of even the worst experiences. Rather, it's believing there is a way out of the darkest forest and you will find it. It's remembering the good news in your life as you receive the bad. It's hanging in there with yourself and with others when a lesser spirit would hang it up.

 

* Be consistently and genuinely reliable.

 

Slot six finishes up this six-pack. Make a list of people and things you have found to be reliable and then think about what their common ingredient is. Your list depends on your personal experience; but here are a few examples of reliability serving the immediate purpose. Sharp knives cut better than dull ones; cats don't like having their heads held; Mom makes the best raison cake in the universe; if you are running late, something comes up to make you later; and Santa Clause still believes in you even if you stop believing in him. What is the common ingredient? Everything on the list is reliable, the way it is, always that way. The same is true for reliable people. They are not on-again off-again, up-and-down, one way with you and another with other people, erratic and unpredictable. Reliability is indeed their trademark; and an hour with them is as was an hour yesterday and as will be an hour tomorrow.

One often contradicts an opinion when what is uncongenial is really the tone in which it was conveyed. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Some people have a short fuse, are highly reactive, and are ready to go to war over anything. At other times, people are tired, frustrated, anxious, stressed, and atypically touchy and contentious. Either way, you conscientiously manage your interactions, emotions, reactions, and behavior in ways that minimize conflict, animosity, and contentiousness.

 

This doesn't mean that you hold back, equivocate, or are reluctant to pursue your point of view, opinion, or expectation. To the contrary, you are always assertive, clear, and forthcoming. The point here is that conflicts and disagreements are managed as negotiations and not as arguments and battles. Confrontation and power games are seldom the best choice for resolving friction points and personality clashes. You have far better and more effective tools at hand and take care to use them instead of resorting to emotionally charged war games.

 

Okay, I didn't mention anything about thinking blue. Click the play button to hear all about why you should Think Blue.

Simon says, Let's get a couple of things out in the open so you can get them behind you. Yes, it is possible to strike it rich, to have an inspiration for an invention making you famous while it makes your fortune, and maybe even to have a sudden insight leading you to the right end of the rainbow, pot of gold and all.

 

Sure, some lucky ducks were born with silver spoons in their mouths. In life's great poker game, some people get better cards than others. It is enough to make you just sit down and cry.

 

Before you drown in your tears, though, remember your good friend Simon did say instant success is possible, if all you want is money, status, or a free ride. The odds are not in your favor but it might happen. Hanging your future on it is a bit risky; but a possibility is still a possibility. If instead, you would rather hang your future on something a little more substantial, Simon has a suggestion for your thoughtful consideration:

 

Cultivate your success.

 

Give me more credit than that, Simon, you say. Like you, I didn't just come into town on a load of logs. I've been there too. I know success isn't going to just drop into my lap out of the blue. I have to work for it and am certainly willing to do whatever it takes; but where do I start? How do I cultivate success?

 

Good News! Click on the play button and find the answer.

When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself. -- Louis Nizer

 

You know to deal with people and problems directly and assertively. However, you also know that many people in positions of authority like pointing out that they always place the blame squarely on the person who did not get the job done. This is, from your point of view, a sure sign that the person in authority knows nothing about people. When a job doesn't get done or doesn't get done as well as expected, it's obvious that someone didn't get the job done. It's also frequently easy to see who didn't get it done. At that point, the authority junkie is quick to point a finger, The job didn't get done and you are the one who didn't get it done.

 

Here is the glitch. The authority junkie's approach usually appears to work. The problem doesn't recur, performance improves, the job gets done the next time. At the same time, people become more cautious, less creative, and more concerned about avoiding the authority junkie's ire than in developing better ways to do the job and continuously improving their performance. Good enough becomes the standard, good enough to avoid the pointing finger of the authority junkie.

 

For you, the alternative to blaming and finger pointing is automatic. This is disappointing. You must be at least as frustrated as I am about it. Can we see if we can figure out how to get a better outcome next time? What would help? How can I help? Sure, enough is enough at times, even for you. People need to be held accountable and deal with the consequences of poor performance. The point is that this is a down-the-road eventuality and never where you start.

Faultfinders do not have much faith in people

 

Management and psychology texts argue that people will do as well as they can under the specific circumstances. They only need to accept the underlying values, understand the problem, and receive support and encouragement. Faultfinders do not buy into that. It is only necessary for them to look around to see the absurdity in the people-are-good-and-want-to-do-the-right-thing hypothesis. These players can look at almost any behavior, activity, or project and point out things that should have worked out better or faster. They can point to people who should have been smarter or sharper. They also call attention to events or circumstances that someone should have handled more smoothly or efficiently.

 

They always do better, they believe, so it is reasonable for them to expect others to do the same. Faultfinders reason thusly:

 

If things were done right the first time, we would not have to waste our time straightening out messes other people are causing

 

There is no excuse for that - whatever that happens to be

 

If you can't do the job, we'll find someone who can - and that will be easy to do

 

The trick is to Faultfind about something, anything, and then criticize someone, anyone. The result is that the spotlight never gets turned on the player. If the heat does turn on him, he only needs to escalate his criticism and self-righteous indignation.

 

Faultfinders are intolerant of others

 

Intolerance is to faultfinding as a lack of reason is to dogma. Remove the intolerance and this frustrating behavior must stand the test of reality and the close examination of others. It is this type of scrutiny the player wants to avoid whenever possible.

 

The faultfinder is always looking for the different, the negative, or the problematic in others. If the player shows any real tolerance, he runs the risk of overlooking these negative aspects. Attention must not shift to people's strengths, abilities, or areas of special competence. This is a risk that must be avoided. Maintaining a high level of intolerance is safe and guarantees there will always be room for faultfinding.

 

Faultfinders expect others to foul up

 

This principle joins with intolerance and the next principle to form a closed triad. Simply expecting others to foul up enables the player to predict the behavior of people with 100 percent accuracy. Sooner or later everyone will handle something less than perfectly. The player's intolerance makes it easy to see the negative or problematic. Assuming that the foul up will happen leads to his being sharper and quicker to pounce on it.

 

It is a variant of Murphy's law. Sooner or later things will go wrong, and it is likely to be sooner. When it happens, the player is not surprised. He and Murphy predicted it.

 

It is easy for the player to spot and respond to what he expects. If everyone thinks a member of the family will foul up, they will be more alert, more on guard, and quicker to blame. When people expect the worst, there is seldom any surprise. Even if things are going well, Just you wait!

 

Faultfinders do not accept people as they are

 

Now the triad is complete. There is intolerance. There is the expectation others will foul up. Now, however people are, they should change.

 

The player says, I do not like the way you handled that project.

 

The staff member watches the player for a while to see how projects should be handled and then uses the player's approach for the next project.

 

The faultfinder then says, I do not like the way you handled this project.

 

The staff member says, But it is the same way you do things.

 

The player then says, I might have expected you to be someone who would try to take someone else's techniques. You need to be original.

 

Here is the triad in another context.

 

Mike works beside Ralph on the assembly line. Mike says, Ralph, you are going to drive me crazy if you don't stop moving yo...