Audio Tidbits

Most of the time, experts and not so expert advice givers Are quick to tell us what to do, what to think and what to feel about most anything and sometimes most everything. They like to call it being proactive. I must admit to occasionally giving into the temptation to join in with the experts and would be experts. There is something particularly satisfying about telling people what they should do, what they should think or how they should be.

I think that most successful people have mastered this proactive approach to life and living. I also suspect they have equally mastered judgment and discretion. They know when to pass, when to hold back, when to sit this one out. Let's see if we can figure out how this plays out.

What not to say?

Don't say the first thing that comes to mind, what spews out before you have thought about what you are going to say. Don't put your mouth in gear before your brain has had a chance to manage what comes out. …

What not to do?

Don't do anything quickly that you can't undo quickly, unless you believe that not doing it right now will lead to things getting worse immediately. Don't do something that might make things worse until you know what you will do if worse happens.

What not to feel?

Don't let what you feel drive what you do. Don't do anything just because you feel like doing it unless the potential outcomes only apply to you. Even then, first consider not doing it.

What not to write:

Don't write anything if you won't be okay with its being read by your best friend, your mother and your boss, and some day by your grandchild. Don't write it if you wouldn't be okay with its being published, remembering that publishing is forever.

What not to expect:

Don't expect that things will always turn out the way you expect them to turn out. Don't expect that anyone will be okay with your mistakes and poor judgment.

What not to be:

Don't be rude, abrasive or unpleasant. Don't be a jerk or the person others prefer not knowing, who they would rather not have attend their birthday party.

What not to forget:

Don't forget that people don't have to spend time with you, don't have to hang in there with you. Don't forget that you and only you are responsible for what you do, what you say and how you behave.

What not to remember:

Don't remember every little slight, every time someone was insensitive or inconsiderate. Don't remember the missteps and shortcomings of others unless you hold yourself to an even higher standard. If you do, don't expect to have any close friends.

What not to worry about:

Don't worry about things over which you have no control. Don't worry about the inevitable; just start making plans.

What not to bother with:

Don't bother with an excuse or try to come up with a convoluted justification when the fact is that you didn't plan well enough, didn't try hard enough or didn't follow up and follow through. Don't bother with an explanation when what you really need to do is apologize. If an explanation is wanted, it will be requested.

What not to touch:

Don't touch the hot stove, wet paint or the window your mother just polished. Don't touch the emotional pain points of people who are weaker or more vulnerable than you. You do recall that being an insensitive jerk should definitely be on your don't do list, don't you?

What not to wish for:

Don't wish for failure or troubled times for others. Don't wish things will get worse for someone else; but rather wish for better times for yourself and then get busy working on it.

What not to think:

Don't think people are stupid who disagree with you.

There is a rather simple fact of life that is all too easy to overlook. Each of us – Yes, all of us – has needs, problems and vulnerabilities that exceed our individual capacity to cope. As smart as we are, as wise as we are, as capable as we are, going it alone just doesn’t cut it. We can’t survive by ourselves.

Friends and family are essential. Companions and community are essential. Resources and opportunities are essential. Yes, even bureaucrats, politicians and government are essential. It takes the whole package to make it work; and if any element is absent, our jeopardy increases.

We are entering the biannual moment when elections and politics take center stage in our collective consciousness. Whether or not we want to give them our attention, they will demand it, will force themselves on us. It will quickly be impossible to get through the day without being messaged, without being told that our vote counts and just who they think should get to count it. …

In the United States, we find ourselves in a representative democracy. That means that, for the most part, we don’t get to vote for what we want. Rather, we only get to vote for people who may or may not focus their political time and energy on assuring what we want. They may do what we want them to do, may do our bidding, may serve our interests. Then again, they may not.

I am wondering how it might work if instead of voting for someone who only might do what I want done, I could vote directly for what I want, what I think would be best for me, my neighborhood, my community, my county, my state, my country. In my alternative reality, I can simply point and say, “Fix that, change this, just make it happen,” and happen it does.

What will I pick from this political buffet? Let me share with you the items I want on the menu and we can then choose together. I am quite hungry for the changes for which I hope but will see it as great progress if any one of my political menu choices gets serious and sustained attention anytime soon.

• The misuse and abuse of alcohol, drugs and similar substances.

• Domestic violence within families and trusting relationships.

• Child maltreatment including neglect, abuse and adult indifference.

• The continuum from inadequate and unsafe housing to homelessness.

• Inadequate and ineffective education for many children and teens.

• Neighborhood and community crime and violence.

• Employment where a day’s work won’t secure sufficient food, housing and security.

• Hunger and malnutrition.

• Inadequate physical and mental health care.

• Unhealthy physical, emotional and social environments.

• Dangerous and unsafe streets and neighborhoods.

What have I put on my menu that you don’t want on yours? What do you want on your menu that I have not included on mine? Does it seem likely that we will be able to agree on a few items that we both want, that we both believe should be priorities? I’m definitely open to cleaner lakes and rivers, safer roads and bridges, less poverty and more prosperity, less division and more equality, more inclusion and less rejection, more doors and fewer walls.

I also worry about our not being able to compromise and negotiate, about our different perspectives and disagreements, and those times when the gap between my wants and yours tempt us to dig in and consider not working together, not working out our differences. I fear that one of us will be so rigidly opposed to the wants and priorities of the other that we refuse to participate. It’s like one of us refuses to dine together if ice cream is left off the menu, while the other one demands pickles, or no one eats.

It would be as silly as it sounds were it not for the current political real...

Mr. President, there are a plethora of promises made. Let me remind you of a few. Listeners can then judge whether promises made have turned into promises kept.

Mr. President, I have just again listened to your victory speech from 2016 from the night you learned that you were the President-elect. You said some very hopeful things in that speech and let us know that you had great plans for our country. You said a couple of things that I think need revisited. You seemed to have promised more than you are delivering, more than you seem to have any intention to deliver. Maybe its just too much to expect, but I think you and I should chat about it.

 

Okay, I know that’s not going to happen. You are way too busy to have little chats with retired liberals in Ohio. Since I’m not likely to be able to share my concerns with you, I am sharing them with listeners to Personal Point Of View (PPOV). If you happen to have a few minutes to listen, just press play and we can pick that bone together.

Chapter 11 Building an US box

The key to building an US box is remembering that the relationship is not repairable, and that it is not going to serve as the foundation for the new relationship. To do this, it is important to help the individuals see that the “us” in their relationship is and will be only part of their individual worlds. Husbands and wives, for example, sometimes act and feel as if their entire world is shattered when their relationship stops working. The same thing can sometimes be seen when parents or children discover a bad relationship. In part, the reason for thinking that the world is coming to an end is that people tend to wait too long—far too long—before they accept the fact that the old relationship has “gone to pot” and will not work anymore. Compounding the problem is the fact that people tend to do some rather strange things when they see that the old relationship is no longer functioning. Married people sometimes decide to have another child. Teenagers decide that being physically closer might help. Friends quit speaking to each other, and so on, including those typical coping patterns discussed in Chapter 10.

As you work with people in conflicted and crisis relationships, it is important to help them maintain focus on the goal of building a new relationship, while avoiding the trap of trying to repair the old one. The focus is on building a new US box. It is important to see that the goal is not to change the individuals, building either a new ME box or a new YOU box. They simply need to focus their attention on building a new US box. They say to you, “But we will both have to change.” No. That notion should be put under the heading of “an old wives’ tale.” The old adage says that when a relationship goes bad, both people will have to change. This is not only silly but also quite unlikely. As individuals, people usually do not change very much, and then only grudgingly because they feel they have to. They may behave a little differently. They may slightly modify some of their habits, reactions, demands, expectations, and so on. But they are, nevertheless, the same people—relatively unchanged, but growing. It is not unusual, after a crisis experience, to talk with people who indicate that things are much better, their new relationships are more satisfying, but they are the same as they have always been. “I don’t feel any different. I am the same as I always was. It’s the new relationship that’s different. That’s what makes the difference.” …

Individuals who are involved in the process of building a new US box must agree that, as individuals, they are each all right. They will not, and do not really want to, change each other. They only want to build a new US box. If either individual is unable to accept the fact that the ME box and the YOU box in the relationship are all right, we and they are wasting our efforts in trying to build a new US box. Recall that the building process adds bits to the relationship. If one of the builders thinks that the other one is not all right, he will add many bad bits to the US box about the other person. As these bad bits accumulate, the new US box will begin to deteriorate. Similarly, if either individual has been forced to make substantial changes or life adjustments, he or she will gradually resent the pressure and use of force. Bad bits related to this resentment will begin to slip into the US box, causing it to go bad. To begin an US box, both people must agree.

1. I am all right the way I am.

2. You are all right the way you are.

3. We are going to build an ongoing, ongrowing US box that is acceptable to both of us.

As you work with people involved in conflicted or crisis relationship, if it becomes apparent that they will not agree to these three basic rules of US box building,

I’m still finding the Prompts app on my iPhone pretty interesting. Whether I decide to play every time or not, it does get me thinking about things I would otherwise not consider.

The idea is that the app provides a phraise to serve as a thought starter. The point is to finish the sentence that starts with the prompt phraise. I suspect that the authors hope that we will write more than a sentence, but you get the idea.

I talked about one of the recent prompts on PPOV.net yesterday where I share my Personal Point Of View. I found the prompt interesting enough to explore it further here on the Audio Tidbits Podcast. I invite you to join me on the mental journey. …

The prompt is, “In 500 years ….” Yesterday, I floundered some with the prompt and found myself commenting on exciting things like: 500 years on Earth is about the same as 2,075 Mercury years and 41 Jupiter years. I discovered today that that same 500 earth years add up to a mere 3 Neptune years.

By themselves, those likely facts are little more than curiosities for me. I’m glad I know but would have been fine not knowing. Even so, The floundering did prompt a little mind wondering.

I find myself wondering about time and what it does or does not matter in the scheme of things. I wasn’t 500 years ago and won’t be in 500 years. Even 100 years ago, I wasn’t, and am pretty sure that in 100 years I again won’t be. I don’t know how many years of being there is for me as does no one else. What I’m wondering is how much that matters in the scheme of things.

I studied philosophy as an undergraduate so well know that it would be easy to drift into ivery tower mode and start down rabbit holes that have no bottom. They all eventually find us speculating about the nature of the universe. Sure, they variously focus on this or that aspect of the universe but end up focusing on it they do. I enjoy that sort of speculation but am a bit more grounded today. I am just wondering about how much being here matters in the scheme of things for us in general and for me in particular.

I don’t think I’m merely experiencing some type of existential anxiety or uncertainty. The question I’m pondering is much less profound. What actually matters in the scheme of things; what does and does not make any difference? I’m sure that there are things on a big scale that matter, things that have the potential to shift the trajectory of humankind. Those are way outside my wheelhouse. I’ll leave them for now to the very few who have some say at that level. For now, I’m only attending to what does matter, what should make a difference to me and perhaps for you.

Let me see if I can get unstuck from that time thing. Looking ahead, 500 years is definitely way more than I can personalize, too far away for me to think my being today will have any effect one way or another. If I matter at all in the 500 year window, I sure hope the difference is more positive than negative. I would hate to think that I’m screwing something or someone up 500 years from now. I am good with committing to trying my best not to do that. Are you with me on that one?

I’m also good with taking a shorter look ahead. I definitely hope I’m not screwing something or someone up next year, or next week, or even later today. I’m good with trying not to do that. Are you with me on that?

Looking back does not work much better. If I am candid about it, I have probably already screwed up a few things; and as sad as it is, the same likely holds for my effect on a few people. I feel badly about that and would that it were otherwise. Are you with me on that one too?

Time has definitely compacted. Nonetheless, it is here for me right now. It has brought with it all the power and potential of the universe to this moment just for me. I am tempted to take my moment to luxuriate in knowing how s...

In this episode of Personal Point Of View (PPOV), I tackle one of the great prompts of all time. In 500 years…. There you go. How do you finish the sentence?

 

As it turned out, the prompt took me to places that surprised me. What at first seemed like way too much of a climb was actually an opportunity to think about what I think truly matters, really makes a difference. I hope you enjoy thinking about 500 years from now with me.

A1 Greetings Earth humans. I have opened our broadcast channel to comply with the new sunshine rules promulgated by the Central Council. It is no longer permissible for us to meet in secret or for us to develop plans and strategies without complete transparency. You are thus invited to listen in on our discussion preliminary to transmitting our status report back to the home planet.

 

A2 This feels a little awkward. Talking among ourselves is always comfortable but knowing that anyone can listen in is not so easy. I like to tell myself that I’m not going to say anything that can’t go public, but I’m not sure that’s totally true. Having everyone know what I’m really thinking is sure not the same as just talking among ourselves.

 

A3 What I don’t grock is why they did it. Why did the Central Council change the rules? What’s the deal with them thinking that everyone should know what we are thinking before we make our final decisions? It was working just fine for us to finalize our plans and then let them know what we decided.…

A1 It has been brewing for a while I think. They are alarmed by what they call hidden pockets of power. They were aware of the issue on the home planet and knew it has been operating on the Earth planet for many sun cycles and perhaps from the beginning. My sense is that the change in policy became more urgent recently. Specifically, trends in the America pod seem to be what brought it to a head.

 

A4 From what I have picked up on the chatter channels, you are very much on target. In sun cycles past, there were factions holding opposing views on most issues. This caused a lot of conflict and controversy; but it was still possible to work through differences in ways that allowed resolution and progress on most all issues. Society in general and government in particular continued to function calmly and relatively smoothly. There were occasional eruptions related to issues like discrimination, excessive police actions, civil rights abuses, and so on; but it was still possible for those in positions of power and authority to come together to work on constructive change and mutually accepted solutions. The pockets of power were there but mostly ready to support the common good.

 

A2 I heard a talk by one of the gurus back home who tried to explain what the Central Council finds so alarming. She reviewed in more detail the kinds of things you mentioned. I thought her conclusion got to the essence of it. She concluded that the critical change has been an increasing unwillingness to even discuss compromise or ways to find the middle ground. She believes that the art of politics has rather suddenly disappeared. Instead of coming together, the politicians and others in power are digging in, refusing to budge on their positions.

 

A5 I’m not sure I grock how alarm about pockets of power and what is probably the death of politics as we know it has to do with the new sunshine rules. What does any of that have to do with requiring that we open all of our discussions up to anyone who happens to want to listen in?

 

A1 Let me at least take a pass at responding to your question. In other Earth pods but in the America pod specifically, there is a long-standing belief that there is a political action process that is available to every America human. If he or she wants the government to do or not do something, it is only necessary to convince a substantial group of America humans to support the idea. They then become an advocacy group, committed to the idea. The group can then lobby politicians and try to work up wider support for their idea. They likely will not get exactly what they want but will move the outcome closer to their view. The political shift gets us back to the power pockets.

Adhering to the guiding principles is essential for achieving agency excellence. The Management Team is responsible for agency Management, i.e., for assuring the successful functioning of the internal eco system. Members of the Team implement the policies, rules, and guidelines promulgated by Authorizers and Implementers as well as manage the day-to-day functioning of the agency. Their Management activities reflect a thorough understanding of and acceptance of each of the guiding principles. Team members also understand and accept the priorities discussed below in order to better assure the successful functioning of the internal eco system. Hannagan 1995 page 37-69 in his discussion of leadership styles, organizational culture, and associated patterns of accomplishing necessary work asserts, "In order for any group to operate effectively, both tasks and problem solving functions have to be performed, and at the same time, group maintenance for social functions. It can be argued that any group of people need to have leadership in both functions so that on the one hand, decisions are made and on the other hand, the ideas and feelings of the whole group are considered." page 48 Keep this dual focus in mind when considering these priorities. …

Management Team members emphasize cooperation and a helpful, supportive approach to relationships and activities. As they interact with and support the work of others within the agency, their focus is on how they can help others succeed.

As Management Team members focus on helping others succeed, loyalty is an important aspect of their relationships with others. Team members emphasize working with others by accommodating to their special needs and interests and by facilitating positive resolutions of problems or issues. The first approach with people is always to understand why problems come up and attempt to work things out and never to simply use authority to force people to change their behavior.

For Team members, caring matters. They emphasize concern for and interest in the activities, successes, and problems of all staff members. To be a successful Management Team member, how others feel, what they think, and what is important to them professionally and personally matter. This not only includes how things affect agency operations, but also includes how they are affecting or might affect agency staff members and other people they personally care about.

Sharing is also a priority for Team members. They emphasize talking with staff members, reciprocal assistance, and mutual problem solving. Within the internal eco system, interdependence and mutual interest are recognized and valued by Team members. Sharing is not simply a nice thing to do, it is essential for agency success.

For Team members, respect is more than a simple priority. It is fundamental to the functioning of the eco system and to agency success. Without it, the system quickly reduces to chaos. Team members insist staff members always relate and interact respectfully. They model this expectation by emphasizing acceptance of others' beliefs and values, receptivity to everyone's thoughts and ideas, and sensitivity to others' feelings and interests.

Team members give other staff members the benefit of the doubt without blaming, accusing, or threatening. This level of trust is at the essence of how Team members perceive and relate to other people. They assume the other person did not knowingly or intentionally do anything wrong and do everything they do honestly and to the best of their ability. If there is an apparent problem or issue, Team members work with the other person to understand what happened, why it happened from the other person's perspective, and how they can work together to resolve the issue and reduce the likelihood of recurrence.

Professional and personal integrity are hallmarks of successful Management T...

In this episode of PPOV, I am picking up on my quest to get over my little case of stage fright. I use two prompts from my iPhone app and spend a while exploring how they play out for me. When I'm older… prompts me to consider how real getting older actually is. The same pondering is prompted by, "If I were taller…." Perhaps you will want to listen to see if you agree with my perspective or have an alternative perspective of your own.