Audio Tidbits

PLEASE HELP ME!

Mrs. A is crying, and her voice quivers as she talks. “I guess what really got me was that when I got home he was there. He was still up, and he said he had to get some sleep. I said, ‘All right,’ and asked him if I could talk with him. He said he didn’t want to go to sleep in bed, but wanted to sleep on the couch. I said, ‘All right, if that’s the way it has to be.’ I said, ‘Isn’t there any chance at all for me?’ He said no. He keeps asking me why I’m making it hard. I told him whatever he decides, I’m not going to stand in the way. I told him that I wanted him—I was honest—that I didn’t want to lose him, but if he decided that he wanted her or if something fell through with her and he still didn’t want me, I could accept it.

“He said, ‘Even if it fell through and I came back to you, I’d probably think about her the rest of my life.’ And I said I could even accept that. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I just didn’t realize things are as bad as they are. Whenever I thought things were bad, he’d say things are okay. I’d say, ‘But they are not for me.’ But he’d always say they are going fine for him. I guess I just didn’t understand.

“I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to know if I had a chance. I told him that I thought he really didn’t know me, and I thought I ought to have a chance with him like she has. I thought I’d have a chance to be myself around him, and he said he’d give me a chance, but that didn’t mean that there is a chance for our marriage to work or that he would want me back.

“He slept on the couch, and I went into the bedroom. It just—it hit me all at once. I have to do something. It hurts too much. I can’t stand it.”

Mrs. B is talking in a very matter-of-fact way, almost as if she were talking about someone else. “My husband still has a lot of doubts about things. He still feels like he can’t trust me. I don’t feel like I can go back to him as long as he feels that way. Yesterday he said he still has his doubts about whether things are going to work out for us or not. I really tried to show him I mean what I say, but it doesn’t seem like anything I’ve said or done helps matters any.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to the kids. I’m getting to where I can’t stand them, especially the youngest one. It’s the way he cries all the time. I feel like I could smash in his head sometimes. It’s terrible. I think they should take him away from me before I really do hurt him. …

“I see their daddy every day, but my mother says he is just using me. I suppose he is, but I don’t know what else to do. I need some attention, too. Mother thinks I should tell him he has to stay away and I should just stay home and be with those kids. He gets done at the office late, and I wait for him and go for a drink. I don’t really care about it—I just do it to please him. I think he is getting a drinking habit that I’m not really crazy about.

“For me, I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do. It’s all on me—him, the kids, my mother. It’s too much for one person. At least it’s too much for me.”

Mr. C is quite tense and talks quite rapidly, with a cutting quality to his voice. “Well, I’m about ready to give up. It’s like this. I can’t find a higher-paying job, and the job I have now I got sick at yesterday. I had to go home. I had a splitting headache. Things are beginning to stack up on me.

“I’ve been working my tail off, and now my daughter is running with some white boy. I’ll kill that son-of-a-bitch if I catch him messing with her. I was having a drink at a bar the other day, and I saw this white man with his hand and mouth at this black girl. I asked him to lay off, and he asked if I wanted to fight. I broke my hand on his face. I think I’m cracking up. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m losing it; God help me!

I remember vividly the first time anyone asked me to become involved in a crisis situation. I was an undergraduate at Ohio University, and one of my friends came charging into my room, saying, “Come on, you have to help Jerry! You have to help, come on!” Even then, I intuitively knew that you don’t just stick your nose into every dogfight you happen to come across. The alarm and urgency of my friend, though, was nothing to ignore or take lightly. When I got to Jerry’s room, he was doing nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. He was not talking, he was not looking at anyone, he was not responding when people touched him, he was simply doing nothing, and it was scary. I would like to be able to tell you how clever and effective I was, but the fact is, I really screwed up. I acted scared, then I acted concerned, then I ignored him; then I got angry and went back to my room, figuring, “The hell with it.” For that matter, the guy who came barging in so upset about Jerry handled the situation in about the same way. The next we heard, Jerry had been taken by the emergency squad to the University Health Center. Fortunately for Jerry (and for me as far as that goes), he had one friend who had stayed with him, who had somehow got him to talk a little, and who realized that something had to be done by someone. In Chapter 3 we will talk specifically about our right and responsibility to intervene in crisis situations, and about the criteria for deciding whether or not to intervene. My memory of Jerry tells me, though, that people in crisis need help more that they need to be left alone; that it is better to do too much than not enough, and that just because things sometimes work out on their own does not mean that they always will.

A minister told me about one of his early crisis experiences. A very upset and frightened lady in her middle forties came to his home one evening in real desperation. Her husband was a successful physician in the community; his gambling had started innocently enough with a Tuesday night poker game and an occasional trip to the racetrack. He had gradually started gambling in amounts that far exceeded what he and his family could afford to lose, and the squeeze had come. He had borrowed against his house and everything else he had of value. Over a period of a year or so, his surgical practice had deteriorated because of his preoccupation with gambling and the resulting debts. That afternoon, he and his wife had had a terrible argument over the situation, and she was terrified about what might become of him and the family. “Will you please go talk with him,” was her plea to the minister. “I can’t help him unless he wants help,” was the stock reply. I’ve said the same thing, haven’t you? One of our employees or co-workers, one of our friends or neighbors, a member of our family, or even someone we don’t know very well, wants us to try to help. They want us to become involved in their problem and they ask us to try to talk with someone for them. It is my hope that this book will help you get to the place where you can tell the “dogfights” from the real crisis situations, and that you will be able to intervene effectively when intervention is justified. You will still get a little too involved once in a while, but you will rarely refrain from getting involved when you really should.

I was recently talking with a deputy sheriff and a city policewoman after one of a series of crisis intervention training classes that were part of a more broadly oriented police training school. It surprised me a little to learn how frequently police are called in to respond to emotional and social crises. For many people, the police are their first resource when they are involved in or observe severe arguments or blowups within families, apparent drug reactions by teenagers and young adults, heightened social tension within schools and community groups,

No man ever wetted clay and then left it, as if there would be bricks by chance and fortune. Plutarch

One may assume that Plutarch intended this rhetorically, since it definitely isn't literally true. It's hard to say about wetting clay specifically. but starting a job and not finishing it is certainly not uncommon. The fact of the case is that it's business as usual for far too many folks. They probably don't think what they start will be finished by chance and fortune. but they do figure that they won't be the ones who have to complete it. It's likely justifiable to conclude that they see this as good fortune, whether anyone else does or not.

Why do people do this? Why do they stop before the job is done? The famous Anon. has been sitting on the answer, The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places. That's it. They start with the best of intentions but soon discover that intentions are to accomplishments as a hardy appetite is to breakfast. However you like your omelet, someone still has to crack the eggs and grease the skillet. …

Newt Gingrich figured out the why of it. He said, Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. On the road to success, people get as far as Perseverance and then pull over and park. Perhaps they are too tired to continue, too bored to stay focused, or maybe just too trifling to take their responsibilities seriously. Whatever their excuse, they obdurately resist any suggestion that they should buckle down and take care of business. As Henry Ward Beecher expressed the principle, The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. and some people just won't.

Sure, sometimes you come up against can't and won't and can't wins. You don't have the knowledge, skills, or resources it takes to do what you want to do. At other times though, won't is clearly in the driver's seat. When you reach that fork in the road, Josh Billings has a little advice for you, Consider the postage stamp. its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

It's a postage stamp moment. When it's time to do it, don't hesitate getting around to it. Remember that you are up to it, so get down to it, and jump into it. and if you think others are blocking your way, Gen. Joseph (Vinegar Joe) Stilwell's motto is worth adopting as your own. Illegitimis non carborundum. (Don't let the bastards grind you down.)

This is the final section of the adaptive leadership series. Some may find it somewhat difficult to integrate into their leadership practice if they do not have the benefit of the earlier sections. Nonetheless, this section consolidates the leadership strategies from the earlier sections and incorporates the adaptive leadership philosophy when making decisions and working with the team to assure excellence performance and outcomes. Understanding that philosophy rests on a clear commitment to superior functioning and an unflagging faith in each member of the team.

 

Please listen and take the adaptive leadership philosophy to heart. It becomes who you are and how you do what you do, no exceptions, no excuses.

Ray Vinham stands up to a light round of applause and delivers his campaign speech to the Westover Leadership Coalition. It is the evening he has waited for since the day he joined the civic group. From that first meeting, he had known that his being president was critical if the club were to get out of its rut. He revels in the knowledge that his day has finally come.

The I-Players of the world are alive and about to drive their associates up the wall. It’s always about me is their theme song and they sing it loudly and enthusiastically. Sit back, relax, listen and learn. You are about to be the next unwitting victim driven up that wall, if you are not very careful.

George, Bill with Peter Sims. True North: Discover Your Authentic Leadership. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2007.

True North is the internal compass that guides you successfully through life. It represents who you are as a human being at your deepest level. It is your orienting point--your fixed point in a spinning world--that helps you stay on track as a leader. Your True North is based on what is most important to you, your most cherished values, your passions and motivations, the sources of satisfaction in your life.

There is no such thing as the instant leader. Your journey to authentic leadership will take you through many peaks and valleys as you encounter the world's trials, rewards, and seductions. Becoming an authentic leader takes dedication to your development and growth, as there will be many temptations to pull you off the course of your True North. Maintaining your authenticity along the way may be the greatest challenge you ever face. …

To become authentic leaders, we must discard the myth that leadership means having legions of supporters following our direction as we ascend to the pinnacles of power. Only then can we realize that authentic leadership is about empowering others on their journeys.

This shift is the transformation from "I" to "We." It is the most important process leaders go through in becoming authentic. How else can they unleash the power of their organizations unless they motivate people to reach their full potential? If our supporters are merely following our lead, then their efforts are limited to our vision and our directions about what needs to be done.

First, dieting is never a good idea for your child under twelve or thirteen, unless directly supervised by a physician. Even a day or so of eating little to nothing is dangerous for pre- adolescent children. While your child's food is severely restricted, he does not grow. Even worse, he may never make up for the time he was not growing. This is very serious. A young child should never diet unless medically supervised. It is as simple as that.

For a teenager, watching his weight is usually not a problem, although checking with a physician is a good idea. Your adolescent's eating little to nothing for a day or two once in a while usually does not hurt anything; but be sure the dieting is not extreme. Further, be sure it does not go on for more than a couple days at a time and does not happen more than once in a while. If your child has a weight problem, arranging for him to talk with his physician is the place to start.

This sign is part of an eating disorder called anorexia and has little to do with dieting or normal weight control. Your child exhibiting this sign is starving himself. The first thing you notice is his losing weight. Next, you notice his getting thin and eating little to nothing. He might tell you he is watching his weight, is not hungry, or does not feel well. Whatever his reason is, he is not eating enough.

Even though your child is already thin, he thinks he is fat or at least thinks he is overweight. How he looks to you does not fit with his perception of himself. His self-perception is distorted or does not fit with how he really is. He has lost his ability to judge himself and feels fat no matter what the truth is.

If you see this sign in your child, his need for specialized help is urgent. You nor your child can handle the problem without help. Your child can die from the behavior. It does have to do with depression and low self-esteem; but it is much more complicated. Specialized care is always necessary.

The following Internal Transactions activity is adapted from Leadership In Child Protection; Schneider, Crow, & Burtnett, 2000, page 56-57 and is one you may want to add to your management tools when working with employees and especially when working with Leadership Team members. It is a quick way of assessing the quality of employees' interactions at a specific point in time. More importantly, it is a strategy to improve their interactions with each other over time. This serves not only to improve their interactions with each other but serves to improve their interactions with other agency stakeholders. Additionally, it clearly lets employees know what you value and what you expect from them as they interact with each other and with agency stakeholders.

Interpersonal excellence starts inside your agency. The success of your Leadership Team depends, in part, on relationships, people interacting with people. Think about a single transaction, one person interacting with another. This elementary transaction is the smallest unit or building block from which connections with stakeholders develop.

Your agency's Leadership Connections can be no stronger than the cumulative strength of the thousands and thousands of transactions in which your staff participate over time. What's more, you should assume the quality of your staff's external transactions, interactions with stakeholders, is the same as you see in their internal transactions, interactions with each other. Assume they relate to stakeholders as well or as badly as they relate to each other.

Below is a list of transaction elements you can use to assess your agency's internal, interpersonal environment. You do this by rating your staff's typical functioning on each of the ten elements. Rate your staff "5" on the element if it is most always present in your staff members' transactions with each other. Use "4" for usually, "3" for much of the time, "2" for sometimes, and "1" for usually not. …

Staff:

Are friendly and positive with each other.

Listen calmly and respectfully when others are talking.

Are sensitive to and accepting of cultural, ethnic, and lifestyle differences.

Are where they are expected, when they are expected.

Are consistent and predictable, not on-again off-again, do not run hot and cold.

Are interested in each other's issues and concerns, problems and difficulties.

Have a helpful and cooperative approach with each other.

Keep commitments and follow through with agreements.

Return phone calls, respond to messages, and get back to others when expected.

Treat each other as well as you expect them to treat all agency stakeholders.

Add your ten ratings together and divide by 10. This gives you an internal transaction score for your agency. An important goal for your Leadership Team is increasing the internal transaction score over time.

Here is an effective strategy to increase your agency's internal transaction score. Monthly, randomly select 10% of your staff to do the above rating for the agency. If your total staff is under fifty, select five staff members each month to be the raters.

Have the raters spend no more than five minutes doing the ratings and be sure they do not consult with each other while completing the ratings. Simply have each rater complete an Internal Transaction Rating Form you develop using the ten elements above.

When the month's forms are returned, calculate the internal transaction score on each form by adding the ratings on each item together and dividing by 10. Then, total the internal transaction scores from the forms. Suppose you have 30 forms. You total the 30 individual internal transaction scores and then divide by 30.

Gardner, John W. On Leadership. First Free Press Paperback Edition. New York: The Free Press, 1993.

Leadership is the process of persuasion or example by which an individual induces a group to pursue objectives held by the leader or shared by the leader and his or her followers.

In any established group, individuals fill different roles, and one of the roles is that of leader.

Leaders are almost never as much in charge as they are pictured to be, followers almost never as submissive as one might imagine.

The ablest and most effective leaders do not hold to a single style; they may be highly supportive in personal relations when that is needed, yet capable of a quick, authoritative decision when the situation requires it.

Among other things, a leader must recognize the needs of followers or constituents, help them see how those needs can be met, and give them confidence that they can accomplish that result through their own efforts. Sometimes the leader helps to remove constraints or inhibitions that had been impeding the full play of motivation. …

Leaders must instill in their people a hard-bitten morale that mixes our natural American optimism with a measure of realism.

Leaders must help us see failure and frustration not as reason to doubt ourselves but as reason to strengthen resolve.

Leaders must help people believe that they can be effective, that their goals are possible of accomplishment, that there is a better future that they can move toward through their own efforts.

You have been experiencing Simon’s guidance on success a bit here and a piece there. Simon does not think that is the best way to learn and grow from his tutoring. He has thus insisted that I share the full story with you in this episode of the Audio Tidbits Podcast. I am certainly not one to resist Simon’s advice, especially since I think you will find this to be one of the most useful hours you have spent for a while. Please enjoy and as Simon says, Focus, Focus, Focus.