Using Boundaries in Every Circle of Relationship

Healthy relationships are built on respect, understanding, and trust. At the core of maintaining these elements are boundaries—clear lines we draw to protect our well-being. The Circle of Relationships model by Brian Frizzell offers a helpful visual to identify the depth and nature of our connections. When we combine this with a clear understanding of boundaries and requests, we gain powerful insight into how to handle different types of relationships with clarity and self-respect.

Recap: 

• Setting a boundary is knowing, checking, and clearly stating what you need to stay healthy and authentic in a relationship, backed by the action you’ll take if that need isn’t respected.

• A request is when you ask someone else to change their behavior. They have the right to say yes or no.

• A boundary isn’t a request. → A request asks someone else to change. → A boundary is how you will act if they don’t.

• Requests can be declined. → Example: “Can you turn off your phone at dinner?” (Request) → “If the phone stays on, I’ll step away.” (Boundary)

• Boundaries are not about control. → You can’t force a behavior from others. → You can control the use of your energy, time, and resources by your response.

• Boundaries protect your ability to be authentic. → When you go beyond your limits, you lose yourself. → Boundaries help you stay grounded in your values.

• They’re not walls—they’re clarity. → Boundaries invite a healthy connection with you, not distance. → They teach others how to be in a healthy relationship with you.

• Real strength is knowing your limits— the amount of energy, time, and resources we have to give to a person or a situation—and honoring them.

Let’s walk through how to use boundaries, not just requests, in each of the seven relationship circles:

1. Source (Inner Self)

This is your relationship with yourself and your relationship to Spirituality or Higher Power—your values, identity, and purpose.

• Boundary: “I will not allow external validation to define my self-worth.”

• Here, boundaries are about internal integrity. It’s choosing to listen to your own voice rather than external noise.

Other examples:

Boundary: I have set times this week that I will workout and meditate. And I will treat these times as non-negotiables. 

Request: I hope I will workout and meditate some this week.

Boundary: when listening to, and reflecting upon, my internal self talk, I will refute negative thoughts and counter them with positive, truthful “I am“ statements

Request: I wish I would stop talking to myself like that. 

2. Intimate (Spouse/Sexual Partner)

Deepest emotional and physical connection. Vulnerability is at its peak.

• Boundary: “If you speak to me in a demeaning way, I will pause the conversation until respect is restored.”

• This is not a request for better behavior; it’s a decision about what you will do to maintain dignity in high-intimacy situations.

Other examples: 

Boundary:

“If we make plans and you cancel last minute without explanation, I’ll choose not to make plans with you for a while.”

• Why it’s a boundary: It’s a consequence you set and control to protect your time and emotional investment.

Request:

“Can you let me know ahead of time if you need to cancel plans?”

• Why it’s a request: You’re asking for consideration, but it depends on their willingness.

3. Select Few (Close Friends or Siblings)

Trusted emotional bonds without sexuality.

• Boundary: “I won’t engage in gossip or conversations that violate someone else’s trust.”

• With close friends, boundaries protect both your values and the relationship’s integrity.

Other examples: 

Boundary: I will only share vulnerably with you if you have earned my trust and keep my trust. 

Request: please don’t share my secrets with others. 

4. Few (Friends, Extended Family, Associates)

People we share life events with—weddings, reunions, group activities.

Boundary: “I won’t stay in conversations where I feel dismissed or mocked.”

• These relationships benefit from boundaries that maintain mutual respect in social contexts.

Other Examples:

Boundary:

“If conversations with you always turn negative, I’ll choose to limit how often we talk.”

• This boundary protects your mental space.

Request:

“Can we keep our conversation more positive today?”

Boundary: “ if the only time you’re going to call me is when you need me to do something for you, then I’m going to give you space and stop taking your calls”

Request: “ I desire to have more interactive time with you then only when I can be of service to you. Can we connect without having to perform sometime soon?”

5. Mandatory (Work, School, Responsibilities)

Obligatory connections; we don’t choose these people.

• Boundary: “I will only answer work messages during work hours.”

• These boundaries preserve your time, energy, and prevent burnout. You enforce them, regardless of others’ preferences.

Other examples: 

Boundary:

“I won’t respond to work messages after 6 PM.”

• This is a clear, actionable limit on your part.

Request:

“Could you try to send messages during business hours?”

Boundary: “if you continue to converse with me in an unprofessional and disrespectful way, then I will choose to table this conversation until we can return to communicating in a civil and honorable “

Request: “please communicate with me in a positive and professional manner”

6. Peripheral (Adversaries, Codependent Connections)

People kept at emotional distance, often for safety.

• Boundary: “I will not engage in personal topics with this person.”

• With emotionally risky people, strong, clear boundaries are crucial. You don’t request their respect; you enforce your space.

Other examples: 

Boundary: “I won’t engage with you one-on-one. I’ll only speak in group settings or with a third party present.”

• It controls the terms of interaction.

Request: “Can we try to be civil when we see each other?” 7. Temporal (Objects or Coping Mechanisms)

Involvements with things (e.g., drugs, shopping, media) that substitute for relationships.

• Boundary: “I won’t turn to alcohol when I’m emotionally overwhelmed.”

• This is where self-discipline becomes a boundary—a line drawn between coping and self-destruction.

Other examples: 

Boundary: I will show myself grace and seek to understand what need I am looking for when I go to porn or other coping mechanisms. 

Request: I will try not to look at porn. 

Boundaries vs. Requests: Know the Difference

According to the “Boundaries vs. Requests” guide:

• Boundaries are about you. You control them, enforce them, and live by them.

• Requests depend on others. You can ask, but you must accept their right to say no.

In every ring of the relationship circle, boundaries serve as your protective framework. Requests might supplement your communication, but boundaries define your emotional safety.

Final Thoughts

Not every relationship deserves the same level of access to you. The closer the circle, the more intimacy—and the more important your boundaries become. Respect starts when you commit and flow through with the relationships that matter, not when you wait for others to respect it for you.

Respect yourself first—and the rest will follow.

What the Heck is a Boundary?

• A boundary isn’t just a rule—it’s a way to identify, communicate, and maintain the environment you need to be the person you want to be.

• Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people. They’re about controlling your space and how you respond to what happens in it.

🏡 Fence Analogy:

• Think of a boundary like a fence around your house. You’ve got a walkway up to the front door—that’s how you do relationships with me. That’s the space I’ve clearly defined where I invite people into my life.

• Now, let’s say someone jumps my fence, walks around to the back, and starts banging on my window—I’m not going to be friendly. That’s a boundary violation.

• A boundary is saying, ‘If you want to be in my life, here’s how you enter. If you break in, don’t expect a warm welcome.

Boundaries and requests are not the same thing.

🚧 Boundaries: What You Control

• A boundary is about you. It’s about what you will or won’t tolerate and how you respond when it’s crossed.

• You don’t need permission to set a boundary. You enforce it.

Example: "I don’t engage in raised-voice discussions. If it gets loud, I step away."

🙋‍♂️ Requests: What You Hope for

• A request is asking someone else to change their behavior. And here’s the catch: they can say no.

Example: "Hey, could you lower your voice when we argue?" (That’s a request.) "I don’t do raised-voice discussions. If it happens, I’ll remove myself." (That’s a boundary.)

If you keep making the same request and it keeps getting ignored, it’s probably time for a boundary.

Men Struggle with Boundaries

• Most men don’t set boundaries because they don’t want to be ‘that guy.’ They don’t want to seem demanding or make things awkward.

• So instead of setting a boundary, they make requests… and then get mad when those requests are ignored.

How to Actually Set Boundaries:

 Setting a boundary that actually works:

1. Identify what you need. ("I need calm discussions.")

2. State the boundary clearly. ("If the conversation turns aggressive, I’ll walk away.")

3. Follow through. (Actually walk away.)

The Key Rule: If you don’t enforce it, it’s not a boundary—it’s a suggestion.

Takeaways:

• What’s one area of your life where you keep making requests when you really need to set a boundary?

• Think about a time you got frustrated because someone ignored your needs. Did you set a boundary, or were you just making requests?

• At work? In your relationship? With friends? Where do you keep hoping someone will change instead of taking action?

• Boundaries aren’t for them. They’re for you. They protect your peace, your energy, and your sanity.

Listener Challenge:

• This week, take one ignored request and turn it into a boundary. Follow through, and see what happens.

• Write down one situation where you’ve been frustrated by someone’s behavior. Is it a request or a boundary?
• Take a second. What’s one area in your life where you feel drained, disrespected, or frustrated? That’s probably where a boundary needs to go.

• Shoot us a message in AMG, share your experience, and let’s keep growing together.

 

Cracking The Coping Code

Do you wish you could quit your unhealthy coping mechanisms or bad habits? 

Many of us find ourselves trapped in cycles of behavior that don't serve us well. Whether it's substance abuse, avoidance, negative self-talk, excessive screen time, emotional eating, isolation, procrastination, overworking, or aggression, porn, these coping mechanisms are familiar yet unhelpful tools we often use to self-soothe. It's crucial to remember that resorting to these habits doesn't make us bad people; it's merely our way of attempting to regulate our distressing emotions.

Think of an animal licking its wounds. Initially, it promotes healing, but prolonged licking can worsen the injury. Similarly, our coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, but they can exacerbate the underlying issues over time.

Understanding the Problem:

Coping mechanisms are often seen as habits to eliminate. We know they're not beneficial, yet we repeatedly return to them, seeking that fleeting sense of relief or numbness. Afterward, the real issue remains, and we wonder why our efforts to change these habits have failed.

Have you ever tried to change your habits through sheer discipline, only to end up feeling guilty and ashamed? For me, discipline became synonymous with these distressing feelings. I've since redefined discipline to simply mean "showing up." It doesn't mean doing the right thing every time but being present and aware.

Even addictions are coping mechanisms that are trying to meet a legitimate need(s) but in an unhealthy way. We need a healthy balance of coping mechanisms and long-term solutions. The problem comes when we trick ourselves into thinking that the coping skills are long-term solutions. 

Why Trying Harder Doesn’t Work:

Efforts to simply "try harder" often lead us back to the very habits we're trying to escape. This approach isn't sustainable, and it can make us feel worse, driving us back to our unwanted coping mechanisms.

The Unique Solution:

The transformation begins with an "aha!" moment: realizing that coping mechanisms are attempts to recalibrate our mind, body, and soul. When we resort to coping, it's a signal that we're out of alignment with our true, authentic selves. Rather than viewing these mechanisms as enemies, we can approach them with compassion and curiosity. Without them, we might cause more harm to our well-being.

Here’s a process to help you address and transform your coping mechanisms:

1. Identify- Name the Habit & Recognize Its Purpose

Instead of just labeling your coping mechanism as “bad,” recognize that it serves a purpose.  It’s trying to meet a need. The first step is to identify the behavior and understand what it’s helping you cope with.

Action Step: Write down the top 1-2 coping mechanisms you want to change. Then, answer these questions:

• Where does your brain want you to go when you feel distressing emotions (what coping mechanism do you want to run to?)

• When do I usually engage in this habit? (Time of day, location, situation)

• What triggers it? (Stress, boredom, loneliness, anger, fatigue, etc.)

• What relief does it provide in the moment? (Escape, comfort, numbness, energy boost, etc.)

Key Insight: Your coping mechanism isn’t random. It’s trying to solve a problem.

2. Reflect- Get Curious About the “Why”

Our coping habits often mask deeper distressing emotions, unmet needs, and potentially neglected wounds. Before you can change a behavior, you need to understand what’s really driving it.

Action Step: Journal about these two questions:

1. What thoughts or emotions usually come up before I engage in this habit?

2. What am I actually needing in this moment? (Connection, rest, validation, control, security, self-compassion, etc.)

Example: If you scroll on your phone late at night, is it because you’re avoiding stress, craving connection, or struggling with loneliness? The more you understand, the easier it becomes to make lasting change.

3. Pause & Reframe- Shift from Judgment to Curiosity

Before automatically engaging in your usual coping mechanism, pause and ask yourself:

• What emotion am I feeling right now?

• What do I actually need? (Attention? Rest? A break? Reassurance?)

Action Step: Keep a Curiosity Log for 30 days. Each time you catch yourself engaging in your coping mechanism, write down:

• What happened before you did it (the trigger).

• What you were feeling.

• How you felt afterward.

Key Insight: This will reveal patterns and help you see whether your habit is actually serving you or just postponing deeper healing or change that needs to occur. 

4. Replace- Choose a Healthier & More Authentic Alternative

Now that you understand what needs your coping habit is trying to meet and you have a kinder and more curious perspective on coping mechanisms, you can evaluate and make sure that your coping mechanisms are more authentic to the person you want to be. 

Action Step: Create a “Healthy Coping Menu” with 3-5 alternative strategies that align with your values.

If you cope through avoidance (procrastination, excessive screen time, etc.):

• Alternative: Set a 10-minute timer and just start. Action reduces anxiety.

• Alternative: Break tasks into micro-steps and reward progress.

If you cope through emotional eating:

• Alternative: Pause, take three deep breaths, and check if you’re physically hungry or emotionally overwhelmed.

• Alternative: Call a friend, journal, or go for a short walk before making a food choice.

If you cope through isolation:

• Alternative: Set a small social goal (send a text, call one person, or plan a meetup).

• Alternative: Engage in an activity that fosters connection, like a hobby or volunteering.

If you cope through aggression (outbursts, self-criticism, irritability):

• Alternative: Use a physical outlet (exercise, deep breathing, walking).

• Alternative: Write down your thoughts before reacting and ask, “What’s the deeper emotion here?”

Key Insight: The key isn’t just stopping a habit. It’s finding a better, healthier way to meet the same underlying need.

5. Thrive- Shift from Coping to Thriving

Coping skills help you manage stress in the moment, but they aren’t long-term solutions. If you find yourself repeatedly relying on coping, it’s a sign something deeper needs to change. The real goal isn’t just to cope better. It’s to create a life where you don’t have to cope as much in the first place.

Action Step: Identify, Adjust, and Grow

1. Identify the Root Cause – What’s Driving Your Unhealthy Coping?

   • Make a list of the stressors in your life that you find yourself coping with. Be specific; understanding the real problem is the first step toward meaningful change.

2. Make Small but Meaningful Adjustments – What’s One Realistic Change?

   • Instead of just managing stress with coping, adjust the conditions that are creating stress in the first place.

3. Maintain Healthy Coping While Implementing Change – Support Yourself Through the Process

   • Instead of simply eliminating an unhealthy coping mechanism, replace it with a coping mechanism that aligns with the person you want to become. Then, allow yourself to use that healthy coping strategy as needed while actively working toward a long-term solution that addresses the need to cope to begin with. 

Recap: 

We have explored the pervasive nature of unhealthy coping mechanisms and how they often become entrenched habits that offer only temporary relief from underlying issues. These mechanisms, which include substance abuse, avoidance, negative self-talk, and more, are not signs of personal failure but rather attempts to self-soothe and regulate emotions. 

The key to transformation lies in shifting our perspective. Instead of viewing these habits as enemies to be eradicated through sheer willpower and discipline, we should approach them with compassion and curiosity. Recognizing that these mechanisms signal a disconnect from our authentic selves allows us to address the root causes of our distress.

Remember:

• Coping is a tool, not a solution. Instead of just managing stress, change the conditions that create it.

• Long-term change comes from small, intentional shifts in how you live, work, and relate to others.

• You don’t just want to “cope better,” but you want to build a life where you don’t have to cope so much in the first place.

• By approaching your coping mechanisms with curiosity and compassion, you'll begin to uncover the real issues and embark on a journey toward healthier habits and emotional alignment.

Resource:

Breaking Old Habits Course 

Developing Emotional Autonomy in Relationships

How do we navigate this vulnerability? By building emotional Autonomy. This means taking ownership of your emotions—understanding them, and managing them. It’s about knowing yourself and being responsible for your emotional state rather than numbing out or blaming others.

Emotional Autonomy vs. Emotional Immaturity:

• Emotional Immaturity: “You made me feel this way.” / “I’m fine” (when it’s not true).

• Emotional Autonomy: “I feel this way. It’s okay to feel this. I’m going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself. So I can show up as my best self in all my relationships.”

Steps to Emotional Autonomy :

1. Be curious & Non-Judgmental while Identifying body sensations, emotions, and feelings.
2. Communicate and explore these feelings with a trusted support system.
3. Own your emotional well-being—stop blaming others for how you feel.
4. Take proactive steps to work through distressing emotions.

What does it look like to practice emotional autonomy in each circle of relationships?

Circle #1 Relationship: Self

This is where we discover self. It is internal and eternal. It is the basis of creativity and resourcefulness. It is here we discover the purpose and passion of existence. It is where inspiration can be found. It is the spring of self-love, acceptance, value and authenticity.

Circle #2 Relationship: Intimate

This is where we express our deepest self in the deepest way. This is the relationship of closest vulnerability and authenticity. This intimacy will find expression in sexuality. (i.e. spouse, sexual partner)

Circle #3 Relationship: Select Few

This relationship involves individuals to whom there is the deepest bond and devotion. It is a relationship that experiences sincere vulnerability and validity without sexuality. It establishes earnest trust (i.e. close sibling, dearest friends...)

Circle #4 Relationship: Few

These are relationships we do life with. There is association at mutually connected events like reunions, weddings, funerals, interest groups, (i.e. friendships, family, extended family, associates)

Circle #5 Relationship: Mandatory

These are the relationships we do because we have to. They are the associations that revolve around our ‘to do’ list. There is usually a common purpose or goal for the association. (i.e. Work and necessary commitments)

Circle #6 Relationship: Peripheral 

These are people we keep at arms length for one of two reasons: one, these people have hurt us before and would probably do it again given a chance or two, these people need something every time they make contact. These are (i.e. adversaries, acquaintances, codependent relationships, service clubs)

Circle #7 Relationship: Temporal

This is the stuff of life. In this circle are the things that 100 years from now will have no value to us and 10 years from now will not mean as much as they do today. These are the houses, the cars and the toys of life. They also encompass things that we can get comfort from that have the potential to form addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, pornography, …)

Emotional Autonomy is about owning your emotions and managing them in a way that strengthens your relationship with yourself without harming others in the process. It's learning to take responsibility for what you feel and working through those emotions in a healthy, constructive way that respects both your well-being and the well-being of those around you.

Autonomy involves having the freedom and capacity to act according to one's own principles, values, and interests while taking responsibility for the consequences of those actions. In essence, autonomy is about self-determination, self-direction, and the capacity to shape one’s own life and decisions with a sense of personal agency and authenticity.

Emotional Autonomy is the practice of understanding your feelings, regulating them, and taking full responsibility for how you respond to them. It’s not enough to just “not feel numb”—that’s survival mode. Emotional Autonomy means diving into your inner world, understanding what’s going on, and learning to navigate your emotions instead of suppressing them or avoiding the discomfort they bring.

It’s about stopping the blame game. Too often, we expect others to change so we can feel better: “You made me feel this way.” That kind of thinking gives away your power and keeps you stuck. Real growth happens when you own your emotions and choose to work through them, even when it’s hard. It means admitting where you might have been wrong and learning how to take responsibility for your emotional well-being.

• Emotional Immaturity:

  • “You made me feel this way.”

  • “I don’t know why I feel this way.”

  • “I’m fine.” (When it’s not true.)

• Emotional Autonomy :

  • “I was curious about my emotions. 

  • I discovered that I feel this way, and that’s okay. 

  • I’m going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself through it.”

• “What emotions do you often suppress? What’s one small step you can take today to acknowledge and own that feeling?”

Balancing Vulnerability and Assertiveness 

• “Balancing vulnerability and strength means integrating both. It’s not either or it’s both and.” 

• Think about how truly hard it is to share your dark secrets, you know the ones that only you know about yourself. Now imagine telling someone these things. Seems pretty terrifying doesn’t it. That’s why I say being vulnerable in a safe environment is one of the strongest things we can do. 

• Key Points:

• Be aware of your emotions and why they’re arising.

• Communicate with clarity, staying assertive but not defensive.

• Build a support network beyond your partner—friends, mentors, groups—to help process emotions and challenges.

• Practical Steps for Emotional Autonomy :

• Step 1: Be Curious and Non-Judgmental: “Identify what’s happening in your body. Notice physical sensations, emotions, and reactions.”

• Step 2: Communicate and Explore: “Share your emotions with a trusted support system. Don’t bottle them up.”

• Step 3: Own Your Emotions: “Avoid blaming others. Take responsibility by saying, ‘I feel this way,’ instead of ‘You made me feel this way.’”

• Step 4: Take Action: “Engage in self-care activities and proactive strategies to manage distressing emotions.”

The Vulnerability Myth (Part 1) 

Let’s face it— dating and relationships can be a minefield for men. On one side, we’re told to open up, be vulnerable, and share our emotions. But when we do, the response isn’t always what we expect. Sometimes, it’s met with anger, confusion, or even panic. Other times, it feels like the person across from us wants to jump in and fix our problems as if we can’t handle them ourselves. It’s a tricky balance.

Here’s the truth: being emotionally aware and understanding how to regulate our feelings is critical for men. But vulnerability alone isn’t a magic key that unlocks deeper relationships or solves all our problems. In fact, without the right understanding and approach, vulnerability can create more confusion, leaving us and our partners feeling lost.

So, in today’s episode, we’re diving into what it really means to be vulnerable as a man in today’s world—how to find that balance between strength and openness, and why emotional awareness is the foundation for real, healthy connection. We’ll bust some myths, share some stories, and give you practical steps to navigate this space with confidence. Let’s get into it.

So what is the Vulnerability Myth?

• Reid’s Setup of the Vulnerability Myth :

The "Vulnerability Myth" tells us that if men just open up, share their emotions, and show vulnerability to their partner, they’ll automatically be seen as good men, and magically, all their problems will disappear. But here’s the truth: vulnerability alone isn’t a magic wand. It’s important, yes—but it’s only part of the equation.

When your partner asks you to be more vulnerable, they aren’t looking for you to fix every problem in your relationship. What they really want is to know that you’re aware of your inner world and that you can manage your emotions in a healthy way. They want to see you not just feeling things but moving through those emotions with intention—whether that’s through self-care, leaning on your support system, or simply knowing when to take a step back.

Ultimately, a man who understands what he’s feeling and knows how to navigate those emotions with the right tools and a supportive community becomes someone who feels steady and trustworthy—someone who is both safe and desirable as a partner.

As Connor Beaton puts it, “A man who is not aware of his emotional state, denies it, or cannot control his emotions when they arise, is seen as a potential danger, weak, and a threat—not only to himself but to his family, his partner, and women in general.”

“Vulnerability, when met with misunderstanding or negativity, can do more harm than good.”

“Men often feel encouraged to open up but then face emotional responses from their partners that push them away. It creates a cycle of disconnection.”

Reflection: “Have you ever felt pressured to be vulnerable but didn’t know how or felt punished when you tried? How have these experiences shaped your view on vulnerability?”

Myths About Vulnerability

• Myth 1: Vulnerability is a Weakness

• “Vulnerability is an act of courage, not weakness. It’s about showing up despite uncertainty and risk.”

• Myth 2: Men Don’t Do Vulnerability

• “Our lives are full of uncertainty and emotional exposure. Leaning into these dynamics is the essence of vulnerability.”

• Myth 3: I Can Go It Alone

• “Humans are wired for connection. Belonging is crucial for our mental well-being, and groups like AMG provide that space.”

• Myth 4: Trust Comes Before Vulnerability

• “Trust and vulnerability go hand-in-hand. Vulnerability fosters trust when done with intention.”

• Myth 5: Vulnerability is Disclosing Everything to Everyone

• “True vulnerability requires discernment. Without boundaries, it becomes manipulation or oversharing.” I love this statement by Brene’ Brown.  If we are sharing vulnerabilities just for the sake of sharing, then maybe we have an ulterior motive.

 

What is “Shadow Work”?

• Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable.

• This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. 

• Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life.

The Enneagram and Shadow Work

• The Enneagram is a powerful tool for understanding our personality and the shadow parts we hide. Each of the nine Enneagram types has qualities that are often suppressed and those that are highlighted.

• Understanding your Enneagram type helps you identify the specific qualities you tend to suppress, offering a roadmap for targeted Shadow Work.

• Enneagram Test Link: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Type One: The Reformer

• Persona: To be good, to have integrity

• Shadowed Parts: Anger, imperfection

• deny spontaneous behavior, fun, and anger as resentment. 

• Let your hair down, be carefree 

• Highlighted: Responsibility, correctness

• Famous People: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Emma Watson

Type Two: The Helper

• Persona: To be loved, to be needed

• Shadowed Parts: Own needs, selfishness

• deny their own needs, own creativity and individuality.

• explore your own wants and needs. Find their own authenticity and individuality. Say no and find self identity. 

• Highlighted: Generosity, helpfulness

• Famous People: Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Oprah Winfrey

Type Three: The Achiever

• Persona: To be valuable, to be admired

• Shadowed Parts: Failure, inauthenticity

• deny effectiveness over efficiency, ability to fail, telling themselves the truth

• Be honest about limits, be ok with failing, reclaim your genuine self. 

• Highlighted: Success, efficiency

• Famous People: Tom Cruise, Taylor Swift

Type Four: The Individualist

• Persona: To find themselves, to be unique

• Shadowed Parts: Ordinariness, envy

• deny confidence, courage, happiness, being normal and similar 

• pull out positivity and goodness they have, be ok being ok, look to be positive

• Famous People: Frida Kahlo, Prince, Johnny Depp

Type Five: The Investigator

• Persona: To understand, to be competent

• Shadowed Parts: Dependency, emptiness

• deny connection with others, emotional focus and feel, ok not knowing 

• Be ok not proving around others, don't need all the answers, embrace and do emotional health work.

• Highlighted: Knowledge, independence

• Famous People: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates

Type Six: The Loyalist

• Persona: To be secure, to be supported

• Shadowed Parts: Doubt, fear

• deny being ok with unknown,  living in the now, trust self and others 

• Trust self, practice being present, let go over worry and know future outcomes. 

• Highlighted: Loyalty, responsibility

• Famous People: Mark Twain, Ellen DeGeneres, J.R.R. Tolkien

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

• Persona: To be satisfied, to be content

• Shadowed Parts: Pain, limitation

• deny simplicity, being bored/still, consistency and structure 

• Focus, structure, being ok in simple tasks and simple life.

• Highlighted: Joy, adventure

• Famous People: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Branson

Type Eight: The Challenger

• Persona: To be in control, to protect themselves

• Shadowed Parts: Vulnerability, weakness

• deny need to be vulnerable, sensitivity, or ask for help.

• ask for help, be vulnerable, trust more, find innocence around creatures and kids, child likeness. Soften selves

• Highlighted: Strength, leadership

• Famous People: Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Serena Williams, and Reid Horn

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

• Persona: To have inner peace, to avoid conflict

• Shadowed Parts: Conflict, assertiveness

• deny in the shadow their anger. Knowing your own wants and passions. 

• explore and feel anger. Find what you want, see conflict as necessary and inevitable. 

• Highlighted: Harmony, acceptance

• Famous People: Abraham Lincoln, Audrey Hepburn, Keanu Reeves

 

Shadow Work (Part 2) 

• Today, we're diving into a topic that’s as crucial as it is uncomfortable: authenticity. 

• Let me set the stage for this podcast. Picture this: a man finds his marriage on the brink of falling apart. He's convinced he's doing everything he "should" do to keep it together, yet he feels like he's constantly falling short. Growing up, he learned that showing certain emotions or traits of himself like being “too excited” or “too hyper” could jeopardize his relationships and get him in trouble with his parents – "boys don't cry," "toughen up," “Good kids are seen and not heard” you know the drill. Fast forward to adulthood, and he's still suppressing these parts of himself. He believes that if he shows vulnerable emotions or is “too much,” his partner will see him as weak. This habit of hiding – which began as a childhood survival tactic to secure connection with parents, friends, and others – is now wreaking havoc on his relationships.

• This brings us to the idea of the Shadow. 

  • The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we’ve shoved into the dark because we were told they’re unacceptable. 

  • This act is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids and attempt to earn the connection that we need. As kids, we didn’t have a concept of the Shadow or the idea that hiding parts of ourselves would cause future issues. 

  • But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to continued inauthenticity and keeping us from realizing our full potential.  

• Today, we'll break down the difference between repression and suppression and why recognizing and integrating these shadow parts is essential for living authentically. We’ll also integrate your Enneagram personality type to help you identify what you may be suppressing and share practical steps for self-integration.

What is “Shadow Work”?

• Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable.

• As kids, we desperately need to feel safe and connected with those around us. If any part of us seems like it might threaten that connection, we quickly learn to hide it.

• How the Shadow forms: childhood experiences, societal expectations, and personal trauma.

• Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung called these hidden parts the "shadow." 

• Gabor Maté insightfully said that as kids, we will choose attachment over authenticity every time.

• This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. 

• Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life.

• Eragon Book Series concept of “True Names” 

Defining Repression

• Repression is like stuffing everything you didn't want anyone to see into an old closet. As kids, we need secure attachment with our caregivers, so we hide anything that might threaten that bond.
• Imagine being a kid and hearing, "Boys don't cry," every time you felt like letting tears flow. You bury those feelings to maintain connection and acceptance.
• This protective habit doesn't disappear when you grow up. It sticks around, leading to a life that's not fully you.

Defining Suppression

• If repression is unconsciously hiding parts of yourself, suppression is when you do it knowingly. It's a conscious choice to keep certain aspects hidden to fit the image you want to present.
• Think about the boy who grew up hearing, "Men don't cry." As an adult, he might suppress his emotions around his partner, thinking, "I can't let them see me cry; they'll think I'm weak."
• Suppression creates a barrier between you and genuine connection, denying yourself the freedom to be who you truly are.
• I see this all the time in counseling, whether I am working with someone in their early 20’s or in their 70’s.  They have held onto the things they’ve learned the “should do” in order to fit in and earn the connection and attachment they deserve and need. Even if it is at the cost of their Authenticity.    
• This is a common story among those in the LGBTQ+ community who are growing up.  Many will choose to remain in the closet and hide their sexuality, gender identity, and more to remain connected and attached to their attachment figures.  

The Impact of Repression and Suppression

• Repression and suppression keep us from living authentically, creating a gap between who we are and who we present to the world. This gap leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and even depression.

• Without doing your personal shadow work you will never realize your full potential.  

• In relationships, this inauthenticity acts like a silent killer. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction.
• Ask yourself: What have you been hiding? What parts of yourself did you shove into the shadows to feel accepted? How can you start bringing those parts into the light?

• The journey to authenticity starts with acknowledging these repressed and suppressed parts of yourself. It’s about exploring your shadow, sorting through the mess, and integrating those hidden aspects into your life.

• Imagine a man who has always suppressed his emotional side. As he begins to integrate this hidden aspect, he allows himself to feel and express emotions more openly, connecting more deeply with others.

• Consider another man who has always hidden his creative side. By acknowledging and embracing this part of himself, he finds joy and fulfillment, inspiring others around him.

• The cost of all this hiding and masking is inauthenticity. You end up living a life that isn’t fully yours, constantly editing yourself to meet others' expectations. This creates a gap between who you are and who you present to the world, leading to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and emptiness.

• The path to authenticity is challenging but essential for true connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance.

Identifying Your Shadow

• Self-Reflection Techniques

  • What parts of myself do I feel I need to hide to be accepted by others? Have you worked with others who were hiding parts of themselves?

  • When do I feel the need to put on a different persona? Have you worked with others who did this?

  • What emotions do I avoid expressing, and why? Have you worked with others who did this?

• Journaling prompts and questions to uncover hidden aspects of the self.

• Meditation and mindfulness practices for deeper self-awareness.

• Common Signs and Triggers

• Where you react, there lies a shadowed part.  Get curious and non-judgmental about that reaction. There is a mountain of wisdom there that your system is trying to communicate if we would only listen. 

• Building A Relationship with Our Parts

• When you start to uncover a part in your shadow, your next step is to build a relationship with that part.  Be curious and non-judgmental with that part.  Ask it how it is trying to protect you by suppressing this aspect of yourself.  Ask it what it would need to let you integrate this part of you.  

Conclusion

• Today, we've delved into our shadows, exploring how aspects we learned to hide as kids can shape our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.

• Repression and suppression are real, impactful forces that can mess with our relationships, mental health, and overall sense of self. Understanding these concepts is a step closer to reclaiming your authentic self.

• Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being real. It's about acknowledging those shadowed parts of ourselves and integrating them into our daily lives.

• What’s next? Reflect on the exercises we discussed. Ask yourself those tough questions. Join a group like the Authentic Men's Group (AMG) or work with a therapist or coach.

• I’ve created a journal to help you start your shadow work process. Visit www.horncounseling.org/tms to get a free copy of the Shadow Work Journal.

• Authenticity isn't a destination; it's a continuous process. It's about showing up, day after day, as your true self – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Start small, stay committed, and watch your life transform.

• Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories to share, reach out at AMG.buzz. We’d love to hear from you. Until next time, keep striving to be the real you.

 

The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we’ve shoved into the dark because we were told they’re unacceptable. This is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids. But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to inauthenticity.

Resources we mentioned to start engaging in your own shadow work:

Book:

Men's Work by Connor Beaton

Falling Upward by Richard Rohr

Podcast:

https://omny.fm/shows/mantalks/weekly-training-what-is-the-shadow#sharing

 

Chapter #7   Suicide

The word “”committed” is usually used in the context of crimes. 

2016 suicide was ranked the 10thcause of death in the US. Pg 116 men die from suicide 4x more then women. 

Pain is a natural reaction to death but suffering is what our mind does to us. 118

Death by suicide is not a selfish act or even a choice. It’s a sign of a mind that needs help. 114

The path to freedom from the suffering caused by our minds is through finding meaning. Pg 118

There are many paths to meaning, and if you search for them, you will eventually find them. 119

Give the suicide hotline to call or text: #988 or website 988lifeline.org

Chapter #8   Complicated Relationships  

Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Anonymous

However, hoping they will be different than they are only leads to more turmoil. Pg129

People are who they are, and they don’t change just because we need them to. If they are important enough to us, we will overlook their insensitivity. If they are not, we may consider letting the relationship go. Pg 130

This is the difference between expectations on a relationship versus standards for a relationship.  

We grieve in character, both good and bad. Pg 131

What does the Enneagram have to contribute to grieving? 

My job is how I respond to situations and other people. How people choose to play their characters is not for me to evaluate. My one and only job is my own character. Pg 134

Too often when we deal with people in complicated relationships, we focus on their reactions. If I do this for them, will they appreciate it? Will it be reciprocated? I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction. Pg 134

In the context of complicated relationships in the time of loss there is a lot of hurt. 

Hurting people hurt people. As a result there are things that are done and said during a time of bereavement that can cause pain.  This is why Kessler goes into some depth talking about forgiveness because grieving neccessates forgiveness.Seek to make forgiveness a part of the grieving process. 

Four Types of Forgiveness:

            1.         Indirect forgiveness: you do it all inside yourself.

            2.         Direct forgiveness: you do it openly in a straightforward manner with sincerity

            3.         Conditional forgiveness: you forgive based on personal judgments made on the person’s character or action. 

            4.         Unconditional forgiveness: you give the person forgiveness whether they ask for it or not with  disregard to their motives and having the personal motive of being free from resentment.

This type of forgiveness is contingent on #1.

Forgiveness opens our hearts when we are stuck in the prison of resentment. We get to be right, but we never get to be happy. The basic question of meaningful relationships is “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?”  Pg 137 

Four Processes to Consider When Forgiving

            1.         Picture the person as an infant.

            2.         Think of them growing up and someone hurting them.

            3.         Acknowledge the relationship with that person for the duration of it and what it has contributed to life.

            4.         Remember the process of my own life, where I am and how I got here. 

When I recognize I’m human and I make mistakes, I can forgive others for their mistakes. Pg 138

This is a strategy for helping the person that has been hurt to work through the process of forgiveness.  This does not justify the hurt that was caused or mean that the consequences of their action.  

One of the biggest spiritual lessons we can learn is to understand that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. No one looks in the mirror in the morning and says; “I think I’ll be a real jerk today.”  Pg. 139

It will help to remember that forgiveness is seldom for “them”. It is for you. Pg. 139

In  chapter #9

There are five specific ways that people can grow after tragedy:  pg. 158

            1.         Their relationships grow stronger.

            2.         They discover new purposes in life.

            3.         They find inner strength.

            4.         Spirituality is deepened.

            5.         They renew their appreciation for life. 

Chapter #10 Miscarriage and Infant Lose

Even our dictionaries often include the word “failure” in the definition of miscarriage.

Try to understand that while your partner may grieve differently from you, they still deserve a grief process that is treated with sensitivity and respect. Lean on each other during this difficult time, and give each other grace.

How can they say goodbye when they’ve never had a chance to say hello? They are grieving for what could have been

Chapter #11 Illnesses of Our Mind: Mental Illness and Addiction

My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go into it alone.  Anne Lamott  171

Addiction should no longer be seen as a moral failing or a lack of willpower. It is a medical problem, an illness that leads to a progressively worsening chronic condition, and one that is particularly hard to fight, because the drugs involved attack the brain of users, the very organ that helps us fight other dangers to our survival. The same can be said for mental illness. We can’t tell a person who is mentally ill or addicted to use his/her brain to help himself recover, because the brain is a diseased organ.  Pg 175

The Three C’s of Al-Anon pg. 177

            1.         We didn’t cause it

            2.         We cannot control it

            3.         We cannot cure it

Sometimes the most meaningful realization in the loss of grief is our loss of control.

Meaning is everywhere if you look for it. Pg 178

Addiction is about numbness. When you’re addicted, that numbness allows you to ignore the danger, to think that you’re in control when you’re using. And even when you are sober, you may still be numb to the danger and relapse. We understand the relapse is part of recovery. Pg 185 

Chapter #12 More Love Than Pain

I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains. Anne Frank

The common belief is that grief is all about pain. Anyone who has been in grief would certainly agree with that. But I believe there is more. There is love. Why do we believe that the pain we feel is about the absence of love? The love didn’t die when the person we love died. It didn’t disappear. It remains. 

The question is: How do we learn to remember that person with more love than pain… There is not getting around the pain. We have to go through it because it is an inevitable result of the separation we are experiencing. It’s a brutal, forced separation. Pg 191

The pain you feel is proportionate to the love you had. The deeper you loved the deeper the pain. But you will find that love exists on the other side of the pain. It’s actually the face of pain. 

My thought - Love doesn’t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain.

You can’t heal what you can’t feel. P 192

Get in touch with the feeling, let it speak to you, let it go through you and then be done with it.

If you’re sad, you need to stay with the sadness and feel it full. If you have a hundred tears to cry don’t stop at fifty. The secret to remembering with love begins with accepting the pain, not trying to deny it or ignore it. Pg 192

No matter how deeply spiritual or religious we are, sometimes we want to be left in the humanness of our pain. 193

Whenever you are talking about your loss, do you want the spiritual response, the human response or both?  Pg 193

Those of us who have lost someone dear do need to be in pain. Pg 193

Feeling the pain is a necessary part of remembering the love. The pain is part of the love. We can’t love someone and lose them without feeling pain. Not only do we have a need to feel the pain, we also need to have it witnessed by others, not pushed away. Pa 195

Grief may be postponed but it cannot be eradicated. Pg 195

Buffalo run into a storm, thus minimizing how long it will last Pg 196

The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of the grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of the pain. Pg. 196 

We are made up of love. We are the sum total of love. If I’ve ever felt one moment of real love in my life, that can be with me in my most terrifying moments. Love never dies. In our darkest moments love remains. When everything else is gone, love continues. Pg 197

What we appreciate, appreciates.  198

The Three Steps To Taking In The Good  (Rick Hanson) 199

 

            1.         Identify a positive experience or memory

            2.         Enrich it. Savor it. Intensify it.

            3.         Absorb the experience. Sink into it and let it sink into you. 

Pain is never the whole story. We may get lost in it for a while, but there’s always something more. Pg 200

Love Bursts – a surge of love that comes from a memory of a person. 

When we move through pain and we release it, we fear there will be nothing, but the truth is, when the pain is gone we are connected only in love. Kessler says, “Though much of my work is about giving people permission to grieve fully after a loss, I also want to give them permission to keep loving. 202

Love doesn’t stop with death. A body dies but love doesn’t.  page 202

 Love doesn’t exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain.

You can’t heal what you can’t feel. P 192 Feel the pain, experience the love. I find that when I reflect on the people I have lost that if I concentrate for just a bit I can still feel their love

Look for small seeds of love in pain. Just like a delicate plant, we have to pay attention to it and nourish it. If we do, the love will flower once again in our hearts. Pg 202

Chapter #13 Legacy

In 2010 Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffet created a Giving Pledge, a campaign to encourage billionaires to commit to donating half or more of their wealth to philanthropic causes during their lifetime. Pg 205 

Each of us affects many people throughout our lives. The movie It’s a Wonderful Life does a brilliant job of helping us realize how many people we affect in our lives without realizing it. Pg 206

Write down their memories in a memory book to share with friends and family. They can continue to observe traditions and visit places that were meaningful to that person. Pg 209

Missing them is part of the remembering them, and how you remember your loved one is part of their legacy.  Pg209

Visiting a place that was special to our loved ones helps us remember and connects us to their legacies.  Pg 210

Ensuring that the good qualities of your loved one will live on in your own life is perhaps the most meaningful of all legacies. Pg 211

We grieve as a tribe and we’re always modeling for that tribe. Pg 212

Ultimately our loved ones belongings can become a trap when se find ourselves unable to part with them… What I have learned from my work is that as we decrease the outer evidence that our loved ones lived, we must increase the evidence inside of us.  Pg215

I help people understand that they themselves are the biggest piece of evidence of their loved one’s lives. 

As you think about how to do something meaningful with the things that are in your possession, I encourage you to photograph those things you care about before letting them go. I’ve found that you can get the same emotional reaction from a photo as you do from the item itself.   Pg217

You are also beginning to process the reconstruction of your own life. Nothing will return you to the way you were before you lost your loved one. But everything you do to help his legacy flourish and grow will help you grow, too. 

Chapter #14 Grieving to Believing: The Afterlife

Just as birth is about a change in the mother’s connection to the infant who was once inside of her, so is death a change in our relationship to the person who is no longer here but still lives within us. Death does not end a relationship, it changes it.  Pg220  Expand on this below.

In a mother’s womb were two babies. The first baby asked the other: “Do you believe in the life after this world?”

The second baby replied, “Why of course. There has to be something after this world.”

“Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after this world. What would that life be? The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after this would be impossible. The umbilical cord is too short. There can’t be a world after this one.”

The second baby held his ground. “I think there is something, and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we’ll see each other there.”

The first baby replied, “If there is another world, no one has ever come back from there. Leaving here is the end of life and after delivery, there will be nowhere to go and nothing but darkness.”

Well, I don’t know,” said the twin. “But certainly we’ll see Mother and she will take care of us.”

“Mother?”  The first baby guffawed. “You believe in a mother? An all-powerful, intelligent being that makes all this happen? Where is she now?”

The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. “She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her, there would not be a world.”

“Ha. I don’t see her, so it’s only logical that she doesn’t exist.” 

To which the other replied, “Sometimes when you’re in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after this world.”

Writing a good-bye letter may be a terrible idea because the relationship has not ended. Writing a transformation letter may be effective Pg 220

The Five Stages of Grief were never meant to be an end unto themselves, and completion of them wasn’t supposed to signify the ending of the relationship or grief. There is a continuing evolution in the relationship pg. 221

When someone dies the relationship doesn’t die with them. You have to learn how to have new relationships with them. You can still keep learning from them in your everyday life. Pg 221 I have seen my wife do this with her grandmother in asking how she would approach a certain situation with the wisdom and candor that her grandmother still provides. 

You’re not closing the door on a relationship with the person who died. You don’t ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close. You’re opening the door to a different relationship. Remaining connected to your loved one in grief is not “unhealthy grieving.” It’s normal. In death, our attachments continue, as does the love. The connections continue to evolve. Pg222

“My mother’s and my relationship has improved a great deal in the twenty years since she passed away. I think I’ve learned to understand her and look at her with more compassion.”  Pg223

There are three phenomena encountered by those dying:  pg. 226

            1.         Visions – looking into the world to come.

            2.         Getting ready to go on ‘a trip’

            3.         Crowded rooms.

Three possible options for viewing the afterlife:  Pg 227

            1.         They have an awareness of you. They see you grieving.

            2.         They are no longer in touch with this world. 

            3.         They died, and their consciousness became nothing.

            One focus – We should grieve fully and then live fully.

We were put on this earth for such a short time and we will never get to experience this life again. So why don’t we think about how much one more day would mean in our own lives?  Pg 228

In the face of great losses life goes on. The world keeps spinning. The seasons change. Every storm gives way to a clear new day. Despite our losses we continue… Love and life remain within us and the potential for meaning is always there. 228

Either all deaths matter or none of them do. Pg238

The worst kind of loss is your loss Pg 238

Acknowledge the power of grief Pg 239

Broken heart syndrome is a temporary disruption of your heart’s normal pumping function, often brought on by a surge of stress hormones triggered by a serious event, such as the death of a loved one… Women are more likely to have broken heart syndrome, but anyone over fifty-five is at a higher risk.  Pg 240

If we shut our ears out of hurt and anger, we will miss it. Pg 244

Martin Seligman 3 P’s that can shape our world after loss

            1.         Personalization – you blame yourself for it, or feel like the only one who has ever suffered such a tragic loss

            2          Pervasiveness – you believe that a negative event will destroy everything in your life

            3.         Permanence – you believe that the effects of a loss or a disaster will last forever. 

No one likes or wants this new normal  Pg.  245

The phrase “I don’t know how you are doing it”. I tell them I am not. I have just decided to be a part of ongoing life.

What would best honor the years they didn’t get? That could be one way of bringing meaning to our lives without them.

 Pg248

People often think there is no way to heal from severe loss. I believe that is not true. You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your life in a way that will honor theirs. It requires a decision and a desire to do this, but finding meaning is not extraordinary, it is ordinary. It happens all the time all over the world.  Pg 248

There are people who walk this earth in awe of the life around them. They are not people who have had a perfect life. The truth is they are often the ones who have had a lot of tragedy. Pg 248

There are magical moments to be had with our living loved ones now. Our job is to find them and cherish them. Through them, we can still find sweetness in the world. Pg 249

There are challenges to finding meaning. Every moment we are making choices-whether to move toward healing or to stay stuck in pain. Like all the other stages, the sixth stage of grief requires movement. We can’t move into the future without leaving the past. We have to say goodbye to the life we had and say yes to the future. Pg 249

Ask yourself, “Who would I be if I changed and grew with this loss? More important, who will you be if you don’t? 249

Now that your loved one has died, who are you? Pg 249