Bob gets an eyeful while Miles hassles old football players from the 80s.

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oh my God, my ear. Jesus Christ. Jesus, that was loud. Holy Christ. Now I’m loud before i was quiet. now no is that lady’s voice. Oh, the live streaming. Yeah, the ai lady. Live streaming is on. Yeah. No! Do you smell that gasoline smell? Okay. Yeah. Yeah? Hey, Miles here with Static Radio. What are you, yeah. I was doing that voice today at work. I don’t know why. Oh, you’re trying to be, oh, what’s his name? Duval. Yeah, Robert Duval, but what was his character name? Kurtz. No, Kilgore. He wasn’t Kurtz. Kilgore. Kill gore. There you go. Kill gore. Smell. Smell it. Smell. Smells like CB’s house. Smell. Smells like. Lots of balls. Lots of balls. You’re horrible. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I crack myself up. I don’t know. I’m a risk taker. I’m a risk taker. I don’t know.
I take risks. Yeah. Well, you know, I ran into your doppelganger recently. Oh, I don’t have a doppelganger. Oh, well, there are parts of you that are doppelgangerish. I can tell you that. Okay. So apparently in these parts, it’s become almost a sport to play purchase things from amazon and then just return them. And I think my wife is excelling at this sport currently because we’re returning things at a rate that is phenomenal, right? Well, are you the people who like, will like get like good clothes and like have like some family picture taken and then like you put the clothes back like, oh, we didn’t like them and Not that I’m aware of. Oh, okay. Because I know people have done that. She buys these things and she gets to say, yeah, I don’t like that. I don’t like the sex swing. And then it’s going back, right? It’s boxed up. Yeah. So, you know, I being, you know, as good a husband as I possibly can, I will do, I will go on errands. Yeah, you are the king of errands.
I will, I will drive the errands and so forth. So one of the stops on the errands is to return, you know, the, you know, we, we, we take in 10 and we send back nine. That’s a big ratio that I’ve noticed here lately. That’s crazy. Yeah, I know. It’s crazy. So we’re at the UPS store, which, uh, just got a new location because the old location was a total cluster. Fuck. Uh, literally people were banging into each other constantly. So they, they got a new location, which really isn’t that much better. I’ll be honest with you. It’s only mildly better than the old location. And so we had done some other errands. We get to the ups store and my wife’s gonna run in. This is the good part for me. I don’t have to go in. I just gotta stay in the car and keep it.
either warm or cool, depending on the season. So right now, keeping it cool. And she goes in, returns the package, because it’s all free, right? With Prime, you get free delivery and free returns. Right. All free. It has become entertainment. I’m going to return the jarts. Yeah, that’s right. And then she gets back in the car, and she’s like, why aren’t you going? I’m in a parking spot, right? And I’m like, and I’m, you know, doing the eye thing where you like, look, you know, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I’m talking about, because I’m next to me is the miles title, uh, clone. Yeah. You couldn’t take your eyes off his beauty. No, no, no. Yeah. Wait. Yeah. Yeah. Wait for the beauty part with his door open, leaning into the back of his car with his hash crack hanging out. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s big, fat, hairy ass crack is like right by my door. It winked at you. Yeah. And I’m talking and I’m like,
you know, I’m, I’m, I’m looking over, I’m, my wife’s in the passenger seat. I’m the driver’s seat. I’m looking over at her and I’m like, you know, and she’s like, Oh my God, that guy’s ass is hanging out. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, this was like half crack. I swear to God, you know, just a few more centimeters and I would have saw a hole. Oh my God. I’m feeling horny, honey. Yeah. Or at least more cheek. Anyway. This is how I picture Miles. Yeah. I’m sure there’s a lot. Yeah. This is Miles picking up the last of the Cheez-Its off the floor that he got right there. Yeah. Was he wearing like a wife beater like I like to wear? No, no. He didn’t have. He had the actual clothes on, but they didn’t. Ill-fitting. It was an ill-fitting shirt and then pants were.
Or, you know he his pants would have been right at his waist had he been standing up. But as soon as he bent over, they just stayed there. And it’s like a hinge. It’s just like a hinge. And his ass crack yeah i was i was mortified and then my wife was cracking up. And this poor guy had to hear it. I mean, he just had to. How much video did you shoot of this? I didn’t shoot any video i’m not this is not my thing. We’re going to have this on Lament tonight. Hey, everyone. That’s true. Well, maybe somebody else will show their ass crack on there. But yeah, I was just like, you know, it was so uncomfortable and I couldn’t back out because he literally was just about like rubbing his cheeks on the door. Yeah.
He was not a small person. He might have washed the handle or something. Yeah. Well, thankfully it was kind of on the back door. I never get in back there. Thank goodness. On the slider door. Ironically. You’re cracking yourself up. Ironically, Bob saw the back door, it looks like. Yeah. I was just sitting there minding my own business, and I hear a lot of beeping. Beep, beep, beep. And then, what? He’s backing up that junk in the trunk. Did you see the starfish at any point? No, no. It was very close, though. I can tell you it was eminent. Had David Cockerfield been there, the curtain would have dropped, and… The whole shebang, yeah. Although he was rather chubby, so maybe not. No, that’s not me. Yeah, maybe not. It was woof and a lot of hair. Yeah. I’m like, man. The cheeks themselves were hairy? Yes, all the exposed area. Oh, I don’t have hairy cheeks. Was very hairy, yes. All very…
Yeah, me either. I don’t have hair at all. What are you talking about? I’m an alien, for Christ’s sake. I know. Smooth skin, yes. I was hairy. It all fell off. That’s nice to know. Yeah. Well, this guy had all yours and more. And so finally, he stood up and went to take his package in, but it was quite the scene. And, uh, i mean he had to hear my wife saying, Oh, because your wife yeah i mean she curses a lot. I’m thinking like yeah jesus christ and then uh yeah very really something something ass something yeah the ass is hanging out. So how long have you been watching this? And I’m like, I looked, I was basically when she opened that door, I was staring at her because I’d already got a glimpse of the floor show and I wasn’t, you know. You do like to check out people. You like to check out the backsides of people.
Where do you get this shit? I don’t like to check out the back of people. Yes. You’re always like, you know, I was at this thing and I sat down and this woman had like this funny butt and I just looked at it. Well, if it’s funny, sure. No, I used to. You’re like some connoisseur or something. That was a two chair butt. Yeah. She was. Yeah. Where she took up two chairs. Yeah. And that was like 20 years ago. I mentioned that. Yeah, I know. I’m just saying. You’re always like, well, no, it wasn’t anything perverted. I was just looking. Yeah, it wasn’t. And this was not perverted either. I was trying not to look. I just saw it. Yeah. And then I turned my head because my wife was coming around the car and I’m like… Will you be on my podcast, sir, please? Yeah. You know I have a podcast. It’s called The Hairy Ass Crack. This week’s guest. This week’s guest will be you.
i felt bad for him because yeah, she really yeah yeah she really, you know, he had to hear, it was so close. He had to hear. Windows down. Like, oh no. Luckily the window was up, but still. Yeah. Still this one yelling ass cheeks, ass cheeks boom ba ba boom on sale this week harry ham hocks i love that i love that part for was it stand by me or something about the fat kid yeah I was just like, oh, my God. What have I done here with these returns? Oh, my God. Look at this. I’m just whistling. Can I mind my own business? Many happy returns. What a day for a daydream. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, my Lord. Look at that. Over there, Quark. What are you talking about? Oh, my God.
He looked like a live action version of that stupid Charmin commercial with the bears and the stuff on their assholes. He turned around. He’s like, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, help me. Oh my gosh. That’s horrible. It was horrible. That’s horrible. You’d make fun of this guy. I mean, normally you just see women juggling packages going in there cause they’ve are in the Amazon return club. Sounds like you were juggling your own package. I was not juggling anything. Ass. Oh, my God. What an ass. Buddy, look, I’ve got a semi. It’s a little bit funny. It’s deep inside. I’m not one of those can easily hide. I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t mind. I got my hairy ass hanging out at the UPS store while I’m returning. All these boxes. If I bent over into my car, but then again, no. Yeah, if I started backing up, it would have been like… It would have streaked my car with its…
I hope he wiped. Yeah, well, thankfully we did not get down that far. oh my God. that’s so disturbing that is so disturbing. Yeah. I get too many i get too many bubble heads i gotta take some of them back. Yes. I collect your magic cards came. I get two boxes. We are never coming back here again, honey. Yeah, exactly. I’m like, I’m gonna I’m going to drive and just throw you out and I’ll come back and pick you up later. I’ll just come back later. Yeah. I never had that experience at the old store location. Because the parking lot was shit and you basically had to take your life out of your hands. You weren’t looking, you know, weren’t taking a lot of time. You were running this guy, you know. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much.
I go, hey, bud, I wouldn’t return that electric razor if I were you. I think you got a little use for it there. Who wears short shorts? Ray wears short shorts. Yeah, he needed something. Oh, my gosh. It was like Sonic ass cheek delivery to my window here. Oh boy. That’s a lot to take in. That’s a lot to take in. Yeah. It was a lot. What’s going on with you? So, you know, um, you know, we haven’t had a good autograph story for a long time, you know, for at least a week or at least a week or two. Yeah, I know. Well, I know between your yard stories and my autograph story. He’s a narrow pretty much quit listening at this point. Call it the yard autograph. Yeah. Yeah. That’s all we do. Yeah. And, uh, so I went to the South side of Chicago there. Yeah. South side, Johnny by myself, you know, by yourself. Really? What’s going on? You’re going by yourself all the time. No, you know, it’s all right. You know, it’s all right. I don’t care.
I don’t care. Sometimes one of my kids will go with. I can stick my hairy ass cheeks out the window when I drive. It’s okay. Look at that ugly broad next to me looking. Oh, that’s a dude. Oh, geez. Oh, geez. I’ve been to this place before. Anyway, there’s absolutely no parking. Oh, fuck. I’m like, well, I’m going to park by one of these businesses and hopefully I don’t get towed. I was so like, weirded out. I’m like, man, don’t tell me, please don’t tell me. No favors. Yeah. I just, please don’t give me a ticket. I had like five items i wanted signed. Oh my god you’re taking five fucking things into the yeah yes yes flat football jersey ass cheeks were two you know, so your moves, did you write super bowl right in the middle? Yeah.
Where you put the O and, uh, so, um, how about we just put the P there? Yeah, I get it. And, um, so I get in there and, you know, being an old man, I, you know, I’ve got like actually like a mini suitcase with me and all sorts of shit. And, uh, I get there and, uh, there’s like a, as you come in, there’s kind of like a, a snack bar. thing i don’t know what you want to call it. Then you little check-in place six things and a slurpee and some fritos no i go hey no there’s a there was a woman there. I go, Hey, could you watch my stuff for a minute here i gotta tinkle you know i gotta tinkle like my grandma used to say okay okay yeah he goes yeah yeah put it behind here. It’ll be safe. I’m like, okay. Oh my. Yeah.
I don’t want none of these jabroni stealing my stuff, you know? Yeah. I hear you. And so I go in, I get out and, uh, I recognize like the managers there now, cause I, this is like my third time with this building and, uh, I go to grab my stuff. I go, Hey, can I get my stuff? She’s like, yeah. He goes, Hey, what are you doing back here? Yeah. Back here. You’ve, Weirdo. Yeah. He’s like, what are you trying to get the cash register? What are you doing like no no no no no i’m just trying to get my stuff. I’m getting my stuff, you know? Yeah. Pull your pants up for fuck’s sake he’s like yes i know he’s like hey we’re all italians here. I mean, what the hell you know like no no no i don’t want no problem. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. I really oh my gosh. Hey, pies on, you know, easy, man. I’m like, geez. Right.
And, uh, I get there, I’m like, shit, there’s a shit ton of people here, you know, for someone, you know, doesn’t have a huge name, but i’m like, Oh, you’re putting down the people you’re getting autographs from. Come on. And well, everyone looks like me, you know, like, you know, the ass cheeks yeah you know, bandit, you just saw, they all look like that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I can imagine. I’m like, fuck, there’s like 50 people ahead of me. I could have played football if i wanted to. Right. No, I had, so I had, I pre-bought like four tickets and I go, you know, I’m going to get a fifth one, but give me a fifth one. You can’t just, you gotta pay for each thing, huh? Yeah. Right. Well, no, yeah. It’s not like, you know, I’ll just sign until your hand hurts. I mean, you gotta pay for these aren’t free. I’ve never been to one of these things. And so I get, okay. So then I buy the fifth ticket. Right. So I get line.
And, uh, you know, you’re in line with all these stalkers, you know, like me, you know, I was like, okay. Right. Yeah. And, uh, there’s kind of like a young dad, you know, in front of me and he’s kind of looking around and he kind of looks at me and I kind of give him a nod, like, you know, Hey, what’s up. Right. And he shoots me a look like, Hey, tutti frutti. What are you looking at? You know, I don’t know. I don’t know what he was thinking, but yeah, he immediately like, yeah, yeah. He’s immediately like, I don’t want to see no ass cheeks, you know, get at it. Right. You got five fucking tickets. That’s what he was thinking. I know. Stalker. Stalker. The next thing I know, I’ve got Jabba the Hutt and Junior Samples behind me. They’re all… You got a three-way mirror or something? Yeah. I get the resident expert on everything about football.
I get 10 tickets. I’m getting 10 things signed. Oh my God. This guy’s a fucking expert on everything. All right. You know, I’ve got two shoes. I’ve got two socks. I’ve got a pair of pants. Yeah. He’s like, well, you know, back in 19. And he mentioned something about a certain thing. I go, I didn’t say anything. Oh, I got a picture of that. I kind of went through my phone and I got it. And I kind of show it to him. He’s like, oh yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, Um, like I was saying, you know, I put you in your place. You can never, you can never impress city people with anything. Don’t stop my story with your pitiful picture. Yeah. I don’t give a F about your picture. F you. You and your five things. Get the F out of here. You stupid. Right. You Mr. Five things. Five things. Walking taco. Come on. Get the hell out of here. You’re half a sissy. Get out of here. You know? And I’m like, all right. All right. So.
Uh, I get up there, you know, I’m fumbling, you know, and, uh, I get all this stuff side. Right. And I kind of just, you can’t really, you know, stop and chat too long. You know, they’re always trying to hurry people. You should be able to chat for five times. No, no, no, no, no. It wasn’t like that. Right. That’s bullshit. I’m getting packed up. And I realized I go, son of a bitch. He’s only saying four out of the five things. Uh, Yeah. I go, they’re never gonna believe me. Shit. I wouldn’t believe you. I know. So I go back up, you know, the guy with the tickets to go hey ticket guy hey hey mr light man mr light man i go hey i explain it to him. He’s like, okay, miles. Listen, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Just get back in line. It’s all right. Just get, get, get out of my face. Get out of here. Yeah, really? Quit crying. Number one. listen
Yeah, I just, I don’t know where you’re from. Just get out of here. I’m like, all right. You’ve sired children. Quit crying. You can handle it. Jesus. Right. So I’m like, okay, all right. I get back in line. You know, there’s another 50 people ahead of me. I’m like, geez. Yeah, you gotta wait all day on this shit. Yeah. Some people have a little dog they brought with, you know, and they got to show the guy the dog. I’m like, oh my God. Yeah. Enough with the goddamn dog. Don’t bring your dog. It’s a nice dog. If only these other. You know, idiots would bring me a dog sign. I know. I had, I know it was a dog. It’s all it took. I’m going to steal someone’s dog or something. So I got, uh, the ticket guy, he’s got a buddy up there. It looks like complete, you know, old school South side Italian, right? Like, oh, right. Yeah. I explained it to him and he looks at me like there’s no way he believes this story. Like, right. I don’t, yeah, I wouldn’t believe it. He’s a quick Ryan, quick Ryan. You told me the ticket guy said this was okay.
Yeah. Kind of shakes his head. What didn’t you get signed? The flat football? I have the LP of a certain musical. Everyone has all the same shit. Everyone has the same posters, the same shit. There’s like six items that you sign nonstop, believe me. It’s like, yep, check, check, check, check, check. Super Bowl shuffle. Got it. You know, some guys have the back of the stadium seats there, you know, I see, you know, stuff like that. Okay. Like all these losers, you know, we got, okay. And, uh, well, the guy signs it. I’m like, all right, good. All right. So, uh, I get out of there and I’m like in a, the holding area, so to speak, you know, I’m trying to get all my shit in this little bag I brought. Yeah. I’m fumbling. I like actually dropped something in there. Next thing you know, I got like Java next to me. Like, Hey, you okay?
I mean, you’re right. Yeah. Yeah. What’s wrong with you? You drop stuff. I mean, what the fuck? I know. I just, yeah, I’m fine. All right. I’m fine. Why don’t you waddle over there? You mean take this off your hands? Take your metformin and get the fuck out of my face. You know? Oh my God. Take your ass part in your Jardians and get the fuck out. You know? Oh my Lord. Oh my God. You know, I forget, you forget, you know, you’re by the city, you know, everyone’s got an attitude. Everyone thinks you’re a thief. Yeah. Well. Thievery or you’re lighting the loafers or something. I don’t know. I just, I just felt like it was weird. The whole thing was weird. Right. Yeah. It sounds weird. And I, I, I go, okay. The day cannot get any weirder and not get anywhere. So I leave, I go home. I got a long ride home.
stop the gas station. I’m trying to fill up and like some fucking hillbilly kid walks up. He’s trying to explain something about the pump. I’m like, I’m not, I’m not following this at all. Crying at the football sign in recent. That pump, there’s something with that pump. You need to know or something like what? I was so tired. I almost felt like I was high. I’m like, what? What? It works better when you give me $2. Yeah. I’m like, okay, this is a scam. I can tell it. He’s a scammer. I, No, so he explains it again. He’s prepaid the goddamn pump, but the car is nowhere to be seen. Huh? He wants that pump. He goes, oh, I prepaid that pump with like 20 bucks. Because I haven’t pumped anything out yet, right? What? I’m like, where the fuck is his car? No, his car is like out by the building. He hasn’t moved his car. He just went in, did something, prepaid gas, but then on a pump, but he doesn’t even have his car there.
At the pump. So anyone could have pulled up and basically pumped a 20 gas. What kind of rocket scientist is this guy here? I’m like, what the hell is this? I’m like, all right. This already sounds like a scam. So he’s trying to get you to give him $20. Yeah, I know. Everyone thought I was a scammer and a thief. I’m like, okay, this guy wants me to do something. I don’t know why. Oh, I forgot to pull up because I was too busy. I was too busy. I dropped my autograph. material over there and i had to go get yeah Yeah. So I don’t know. I was just like, I was just, I was ready to go home. I’m like, I’m going home so what did you do then with the guy? Did you say i moved i moved i moved i go this guy. So you didn’t give him the 20 then? Uh, no, no, I didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, I didn’t pump anything or nothing, but he, then he did produce a car, which like okay he did have a car because he was told the truth, but i’m like, sorry.
I don’t know. Why wouldn’t you have your car there ready to go? I mean, why would you? That’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard. I mean, a lot of the pumps are already taken, so why would you run the risk? I called in from home, and it took me 10 minutes to get here. I mean, at the risk of someone taking your gas and then having to ask them to pay you back. Right, right. Oh, that’s weird. That’s totally weird. I go, you’ve got to be related to Bob Lament. This sounds like something Bob Lament would do. I would never do something like that. Hey, what are you doing to my pump, man? That sounds stupid. I don’t know. It’s a stupid world. It’s only getting stupider. That’s for sure.