Miles takes in a show that stretches him to his limits, while Bob can’t believe he is still going to concerts.

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It should be any minute now. I’m coming out. You know, just because Miles wants to hear it. I’m good. Hey everyone, this is Miles. You’re very subdued now that we’re recording. I don’t know what happened to you there. I’m here with my friend Jimmy. I wrote a book of poems. Bingo! It’s called How One Bullet Ruined Christmas. That’s a good one, isn’t it? It’s coming out soon. I think that was after he did Liberty Valance. Yeah. It’s a book of poetry about bingo, and that’s the last poem. Oh, okay. One Bullet Ruined Christmas. It’s all about bingo, but you may not want to hear it. I thought you were going to talk about his prison book called Jimmy Stewart, I Like My Soap on a Rope. What, what, what, what?
I don’t know where to go with that. I don’t know. I don’t know. This is miles. I just started. I have no, I don’t know. I was driving to Chicago. I was just, you know, you put together words. I go, well, maybe funny, like a name of a poem, like how one bullet ruined Christmas, you know, like, uh, as it seemed funny. I don’t know. A lot of people that, uh, have that one on their playlist. Yeah. I don’t know. You know, just thinking of funny things when you’re driving. I’m like, oh, okay, that’s funny. Well, speaking, you’ve just mentioned it. You went on a little bit of an adventure this weekend. Yes. Do you want to tell? I tried to approach you about it on our usual talking ahead of time. And you were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. No, my son had got concert tickets to a rock and roll program at Soldier Field this weekend, and I felt obliged to go. I’m talking like my aunt now. It’s funny. I felt obliged to go. Why not? Yeah. So I go out to… Go, let’s go. Let’s do it. And, uh, we got there, no problems. And we ate at our favorite restaurant. I’ll plug for a place called twin anchors, which is like the best rib joint in Chicago. Uh, it’s sinatra’s old place. You know, he used to hang out there. They filmed a couple movies there, including one of the batman movies. It’s pretty cool. It’s in the neighborhood, old town, uh, got to talk to the manager a little bit, you know?
Uh, I was hitting around for free cocktails and food, but you know, that didn’t happen, you know, and, uh, sure. But it is what it is. It is what it is. And then, uh, it is what it is. We got to see, uh, you know, the old neighborhood where my dad grew up at that was right by there in old town there. And, uh, we, uh, my son’s like, there’s a pop-up store. He goes, before we check in. Right. Yeah. To the fleabag hotel that we are in. Which hotel did you stay at? Which one? I thought we were at the Congress, actually. Oh, okay. Yeah, I’ve been there. Yeah, Congress. And I was mistaken. We were close to it, but we were actually not at the Congress. I’m like, oh. Oh, you weren’t at the Congress. No, I’m glad I checked my phone because I would have walked right in and demanded a room over the room that I didn’t have. Where’s my room at, buddy? Listen, mate. Listen, mate. I’m talking to Al Capone.
Yeah. Right. Yeah. My dad’s from Chicago. Kiss it. And he goes, listen, uh, it’s going to be a little bit of a hike, but, uh, there’s like a pop-up store for this concert. Right. I’m like, okay. And, uh, so we’re going down and you see everyone wearing their concert shirts, all these young folk, you know, all these guys in their twenties. Did you say who you were seeing? I don’t know if you mentioned that yet. Yes. Uh, it was called the very best of bread. So the band bread was getting back together. And, uh, I’m a big fan of the song. If, as you know, no, we were going to see, uh, yeah. Then why can’t I pay you? Oh, but you seem to know it pretty well. You know it well, my friend. Yeah.
No, it was a system of a down and event seven fold. Gotcha. Which, uh, I know just a little bit from hearing my son’s playlist. So I, I’m not an expert at it, but I do know some songs. And, uh, so we, we book, you put on your girdle and your toupee and you went to, yeah, I, yeah, I’m wearing some bears Jersey walking around. Like I don’t fit in like do to Luke. And, uh, you know, you gotta, uh, So we get down there and, you know, after being like in the disgusting filth of new Orleans there about a month ago, Chicago seems a lot cleaner, you know, like, okay. Chicago is a lot cleaner than new. Yeah. It doesn’t stink quite as much. I’m like, okay. Right. Yeah. I think, yeah, that’s, that was my experience as well. I’ll be honest with you. It was, uh, yeah, I don’t know if it’s safer, but it seemed a lot cleaner. I mean, actually Chicago is even safer. Yeah. And, uh,
So we get to the location and there’s a bunch of people in line. I’m like, Oh, right. Well, it is what it is. And, uh, so there’s these two guys ahead of us and they’re talking about something and one of them takes off and then the other guy turns around. He’s like, Oh yeah, we’re cutting the line right here. We’re stopping the line. What are you talking about? Yeah. We’re selling out of merchandise too quickly. We want to reopen tomorrow, you know, so you guys can come back tomorrow. We’re sorry, but, um, What kind of bullshit is that? Just sell it out, man. Then you’re done. I’m like, okay, all right. Which it didn’t open today because guess what? They were sold out. Oh, what a bunch of bums. That’s a video I posted there yesterday. The system was working because you got sent away. I was trying to bribe the kid with a couple bucks. I will give you the Washington Twins right now, man. He goes, what?
I go, you know, you know, come on. Come on. It took him a minute to get. He was all money. Quit playing stupid. Yeah. He’s like, nah, nah, I can’t do that. Nah, I can’t do that. Come on. I did that for all these other guys. I got too much money in my pocket. Yeah. Right. I’ll never be able to make it home. Come on. I got too much. So I’m like, all right, well, we’ll check into the flea bag. You know, I’m like, okay. You don’t want to mention the name of the hotel. I’m not really now. It was like an old hotel had been refurbished into like a more moderate one, you know, but you could tell that it was quite old. You could see like pipes in the ceiling. And so, you know, I was like, okay. Did you go to the, uh, what was that breakfast place you sent me to? Uh, I did go there. I spent like $35 for two breakfasts this morning. Yeah. Okay. I can’t remember the name of it now.
Uh, the chateau les shits yeah it’s my university of chicago downtown. Yes. Yes. And, uh, so on the way back, like there’s like people with, you know, like concert shirts and stuff heading towards this store. I’ll get you five dollars for that shirt five dollars so my son’s trying to be a nice guy and warn these people. And after about the fourth time, like, you know them you know, dude, let them just. You know, it’s on their own, man. Yeah. Screw them. That’s life, man. You know, life’s a big pile of shit. Just let them find out. No, no, it’s my duty. And I’m like, no, just, I’m a good guy, dad. I’m a good guy. Just let me do it, man. All right. All right. All right. You gotta do what you gotta do. You know, I can see my son is nothing like me. You know, he’s just trying to be a nice guy, warn people, you know, like, no, really. Hey,
I’ll give you $50 for the shirt. They got them down the street for 25. Well, yeah. Well, that’s funny. Yeah. Cause you know, there’s all these, you know, guys, you know, oh, you can buy a shirt here for 20 bucks. You’re going to spend 75 in there, man. You’re a fool, man. Buy mine for 20. It looks like it’s like big enough to fit like a toddler or something. This shirt. I’m like, who the fuck is going to buy this shirt, man? It’s like a little kid shirt or something like that. Come on, man. Nice. And so, yeah, we check into the flea bag, and, you know, the girl’s like, you know, you got to initial this three times and sign your name, and promise you won’t screw around. This isn’t part of the Wyndham properties, is it? That’s where I stayed at when I visited you. It was terrible. Yeah, yeah, it was, actually. It’s the Wyndham Wizard. Hey, Mr. Wizard.
I’m like, what is all this? Come on. Well, basically, you know, you, you can’t have a party in your room. So like quite all, all dead serious. I’m like, define party. Uh, you’re out of here, mister. You’re going to look like she’s like, she had no answer to this. Like, um, um, um, all right. I’m joking. Just give me, you know, you gotta get up the elevator. You get these crappy rooms. And like, uh, you know, like the view out the room is like some like horrible looking alleyway behind a bunch of buildings that are bricked up. I’m like, Oh Jesus. We got the view. Look. Yeah. The shit hole, you know, sweet home Chicago. They get the L the view of the L. No. Yeah. It was actually, I would say this hotel was a lot quieter than the Congress. Really? I’m surprised. Well, the Congress doesn’t make you sign any non,
partying clause. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But, uh, because I, when i was in the Congress, it was like a lot of like street noise, like a lot of street noise wants to party all the time. Yeah. So we’re like, all right you know we we chilled out. We left like, we got like a mile walk. We got a mile. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, it wasn’t that bad, you know, what’s mile, you know, for you. i’m Well, yeah. Well, we’re getting to that. So anyway, I’m trying to skip ahead. Sorry. Yeah. So there’s all these guys with bikes, like these bike carriages, you know? Yeah. You know, it’s like they could fit like four people. And this guy’s like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you two guys. I’ll take you fat ass, Mr. Fat ass down to the soldier field. And I knew, I knew this was going to be bad. I go, well, how much?
Uh, you two guys, 85 bucks. Holy moly. I go, do you think I’m Bob Lament? Do you think I’m Bob Lament with all this money, all this pimp money? I go, nope, nope. Oh, I’ll come down. I’ll come down. You know, I’m like, nah, too late. You blew it. You blew it, dude. You started too high. You thought I looked richer than I was. Yeah. You shot way too high, you know, way, way too high. And, uh, so I, you know, I’m fit like Bob Lament. I’ll just walk. Screw you. Yeah. And, uh, the walk was not too bad. And, uh, we get there and my son desperately, desperately, desperately wanted to get a shirt. And I mean, this, all the merch stuff is backed up like 200 people. I swear to God, like people are just going nuts. Like, Oh, this isn’t going to happen, kid. I’m sorry. No backstage passes. Uh, you didn’t get a hookup. No, fuck. No, no. You’re always Mr. Hookup. I mean, no, no.
I had, no, I have no hand anymore. I have no hand. Okay. And, uh, so I’m like, let’s just get some water. Let’s get a drink and let’s get a, you know, a place. And so my son tells me where it’s at. I’m like, okay. Okay. I go 400 level. I go, Oh, that’s a lot of stairs. That is a lot of stairs. Is there any, uh, stopping points, like maybe a water jug or something there? No, no. Once you get there, but, So we get to this, the section. Right. And, uh, my son’s like, oh, well, here’s our row right here. Here’s the, here’s our row. It’s like, uh, not it’s at the railing. I’m like, wow. Wow. I’m like, wow. You paid a lot for these seats. Oh, wow. You know, you paid a lot more than I would have paid. That’s for sure. Kid. Yeah. I mean, we weren’t in the end zone, but we were kind of, you know, in that ish, you know, ish area, you know?
And I go, wow, you know, pretty nice. You know, we’re all crowded in and such. And there’s like two bands starting to play. You know, you’ve got an intro band and stuff. Right, yeah. At about 15 minutes, like this guy and girl show up. Um, excuse me. I think you’re in our seats. I’m like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Fuck. I go, let me see your tickets. He’s like, oh, fuck. He’s right. I go, son, let me see your computer. Let me see your screen. Oh, fuck. Row 32. This is row one. We’re in row 32. Oh, man. You still got more to climb. Yeah. We’re about five rows away from the tippy top of Soldier Field. I’m like, oh, fuck. You’re like in suicide territory. Yeah. We got a 57-year-old man, overweight man, diabetic, with bad knees.
you know, you name it. Yeah. You know, ED, you name it philosophy bag philosophy bag yeah i know like oh i mean i make how did you not piss yourself because you were so far from the bathroom? I’m so out of shape, I make you look like michael Phelps, you know what i’m saying? I’m like, fuck, I’m just like such a train wreck. I’m like, geez Yeah. And I get up there aerobics you know. Yeah, well, all your nude water aerobics. And I get there, and, man, my heart is just like, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk. And we sit down, I’m like, fuck. And it’s all these 20-year-olds, you know, like, okay. Yeah. It’s like everyone went out and bought, like, shitty hair dye, you know? Like, everyone’s like, I did it myself. You know? I did it my mom’s sake. You know, I was like, all right, yeah, you look like a stupid prick over there.
i hope that you didn’t, uh, say that to those poor people. No, I thought i didn’t say it, but. Oh, okay. Good. And so, you know, you got to watch the opening acts. I go, listen, I don’t have to go real bad, but there’s like no bathrooms up here. There’s like no yeah you’re in the nosebleed yeah you pee in your beer cup. Uh, I am really pee shy. So there was no way that was going to happen yeah I go, son, I’m going to go to the bathroom. I go, I may or may not be back. I’ll message you. I can’t. You abandoned him? You abandoned him at the time? No, he understood. Because I was actually going to see if I could sneak in and maybe hope that these lines went down for the merch, but no chance. Miles’ son is only eight years old, by the way. Yeah, he’ll be nine pretty soon. No, my son’s in his 20s. I know, I know. I’m just joking.
I’m going to say going down is a lot easier than going up. Yeah. Right. I could. So you’re grabbing onto the handrail. Yeah. Oh, the handrails, my friend. Cause I did like, see like people having trouble getting up, but it was like all women. I didn’t see any dudes struggling. I saw like women, like, Oh my God. Oh my God. And, um, You, yeah, like the 80-year-old Whitman, that would be your comparison, right? I know. That’s, yeah, believe me. I just, I was embarrassed for myself. I thought you said we were in the handicap row. Yeah, I’m like the, you know, Dr. Smith, you know, of the bunch. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
And, uh, yeah, I did take a tinkle. Yes. You’re a jerk. Yeah, I did. And, uh, I could not figure out the waterfall fountain. Yeah. I’m like turning it left and right. It won’t work. I’m like, okay, I go to a different one turning left and right. Yeah. Oh, you didn’t wash your hands then? I’m like, that’s because it’s full of soap. So I’m like, geez, I got like jizz all over my hands now. What the fuck? No, you have to push it down. You push it down and then turn it to the temperature. Oh, I see. Oh, I go, oh, that makes too much sense. Oh, okay. Yeah. You didn’t watch anybody else? Nobody else was washing their hands either, probably. Yeah, like I’m going to sit there and watch some dudes. Hey, dudes, listen. I know it sounds a little weird, but I’m going to watch you wash your hands. And, yeah, that would get me beat up or something. So I get back up there. You wash your hands so I can figure this out. And the second time going up those stairs, I tell you what, it was like, oh, fuck.
I go, there won’t be a third time. There was not going to be a third time. How are you going to walk the mile back? I’m getting to that. Oh. So we watched the concert. I’m trying to skip ahead here, so it’s a long story. You’re like, you wouldn’t believe it. There’s a stand down there selling Depends, and I got two. That’s what I felt like. Believe me. I’m going to be like those astronauts, you know, that killer astronaut woman that was going to kill someone. Yeah, that’s right. They’re driving in their car. Yeah. Yeah. So that was excellent, excellent, excellent. Good. It’s funny. Like, you know, like these very high energy songs, like all these like women seem to know, you know, you know, a tapeworm tells me what to do. No, no, no, no, no. Pull the tapeworm out of your ass. Is that a real song? No, that is a song. We just move it down. Yeah. Okay. I don’t think. Yeah.
Like all these women are like, Jesus. Wow. I think girls listen to this kind of music. And, uh, you know, the whole place is rocking. I could actually feel like the seat, like, I’m like, Oh, it’s going to be like that Kansas city. Fuck us. They had, you know, where that hotel collapsed. Oh yes. Yeah. I’ve been to that hotel several times. Yeah. And, uh, And, uh, no, the music was good. They had like a, I don’t know if it was AI, but they were like filming like the, you know, there’s big screens. So obviously you can’t actually see the people cause they’re too far away. But like, there’s one song where they were turning the bandmates like into devils. And there was one where they were turning into like Barbie dolls. And that’s cool. It was interesting. Yes. And, uh, so I won’t really go into the music. So that gets done. And, uh, it was very good. And, uh,
Now you got to get out of there. Now you’re against like 6,000 or 60,000 people and they’re all walking the same way. Right. And I’m like, this is bad. I mean, you’re just very, I mean, if there’s like some panic, this is going to be like the fucking who concert, man. I’m like, shit, this is. Oh no. Yeah. Jesus. And, uh, you know, I feel like I’m in the Poseidon adventure trying to get out of the fucking boat. I’m like, Jesus Christ. You got to dive. I know. I need Gene Hackman to point the way, you know, fuck Stella Stevens over here. I was the, uh, Shelly. Who brought him in here? I was the shelf. I was the Shelly winters of the group. Yeah. I can swim. Don’t worry. I used to be the dive champion. Come on. Look at this. Look at this. Reverend. Uh, uh,
So yeah, so we’re walking back and you know, the crowd starts to thin out. It takes a while and we’re getting very close and there’s a lot of parking lots. And so my son’s like, well, let’s just try to cut through this parking lot to our hotel. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so we take like two steps and all of a sudden like the security shows up. Hey, what are you guys doing? Huh? It’s Chicago. What are you? Yeah. I’m like, oh, so I’m like, you know, like, uh, I thought this was our parking lot. Oh, you played it off. Yeah. Oh, maybe this isn’t. Oh, we’re staying at the flea bag over there. So I just thought this was our parking. I just like, fuck it. They’re not buying it. Fuck it. I just like ran like some little girl like, no, but, uh, yeah. So, yeah. So we made it back. We were okay. We got back by 1230. I’m like, that guy’s pants were falling down. Was he wearing a diaper? Yeah, no, I,
I make sure to wear a belt because I go, God, if I’m going up downstairs, I’m not wearing some baggy sweatpants. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, so you actually wore real pants. I did not wear my gray sweats that you love. Unlike whenever you come to see me, you basically wear your dirty pajamas or whatever. And you see me tugging those up all the time, don’t you? Yeah, you’re constantly being Chris Farley. I’m buying down by the river. I’m buying. So anyway, yeah, so that was a very, I know it was a long story, but that was pretty much the highlights of it, I suppose, of us not being admitted to the store and us dealing with the crowd. Did you ever get a t-shirt? Did you ever? No. No. You went all that way. You didn’t even get a t-shirt. Well, unless you want to get like a baby t-shirt from these, you know, seedy people outside. I mean, like, I got a shirt here for 20 bucks. Come on.
No, I mean, you didn’t, like, hang back and go to the official merch or anything? No, you couldn’t. You couldn’t. It was swamped with people. Swamped. Oh, my gosh. These people must be making money hand over fist. Like, they were giving away gold bars. I mean, there’s just people lined up, like, me next, me next. Oh, Jesus. Really? That’s just crazy. Yeah. I’m like, these people aren’t going to get to the concert. That’s why I never go. It’s just too much. I can’t even imagine how much the merch was, actually. I’m not sure it was. I would have had a nervous breakdown. Yeah. I probably would have. you know? Yeah. Yeah. The kids screw you kids. We ain’t going to screw you. No, I, well, I, you know, did my share of going to things like, but then, yeah, I’m done with that. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But I mean, like say goodbye to those $25, you know, official shirts, you know, now they’re probably bugs. Oh my gosh. What? Hmm. So you didn’t even take the, uh, the rickshaw back, huh?
No, there was plenty of them, but I, uh, no, no, which my legs hurt so bad today. I’m like, well, maybe I should have. Yeah. Maybe I would have been better off. But yeah. So yeah. Uh, your old uncle, Miles legs are very tired. Yeah. He goes, these leaf springs can’t take much more. There’s a weight restriction. You told me you were only two 20. Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant my power outage. Oh, yeah. I thought you just meant the bottom half. That’s the skinny half. Yeah. Nice. So going again? When’s the next concert? Are you going to follow them around the country? What’s happening? Yeah, we’re going up next week. No, come on. We’re going to Milwaukee. No, I don’t want to. No. No, once is enough. Once is enough. Are you going to any more concerts in your future? No. I guess.
rarely go to concerts i rarely go to concerts yeah i’m out yeah i don’t blame you. I don’t know, man. You know, that’s a tough, I admire that you went. because I mean, that takes a lot to do. Yeah. At our age, I’m just saying things are a lot different now you know yeah i mean but i’m like, I saw the pictures. I’m like, really this he’s gone to, I mean, he’s basically the top of the world right there. Yeah, I was literally, I was shaking hands with Jesus. I was so high up. Wow. You do exist. Holy. Well, I, I’m glad you made it out alive. Yes. Even if you, you know, lightened your wallet quite a bit. Yes. Well, next time, maybe, you know, go someplace else.
Go see Rod Stewart doing the classics or something, you know. Mm-hmm. Bring your own hamster. Never told you lately that I love you.