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Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself
In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression.
This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other.
–––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview • Communicating with avoidant partners • Self-doubt and confidence • Relationships and depression
02:00 – Faith in yourself explained (without religion) 03:10 – Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change 05:05 – Why belief in change matters before action 06:40 – CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors 08:35 – Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue 10:20 – Taking accountability for change
11:30 – Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners 13:05 – Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics 15:10 – Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem 17:30 – Emotional shutdown and childhood origins 19:45 – Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other 22:30 – Independence vs emotional unavailability 24:40 – Where attachment patterns are formed 27:10 – Why communication feels one-sided 29:30 – Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk 31:45 – Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner 34:10 – When communication tools stop working 36:30 – Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment 38:45 – When it may be time to walk away 41:20 – Sampling behavior to predict the future
43:10 – Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism 45:05 – How self-criticism becomes tied to worth 47:40 – Childhood roots of self-doubt 50:10 – Why self-blame once served a purpose 52:35 – Separating past conditioning from present reality 55:20 – Attributing success without self-punishment 58:10 – Letting go of people who mistreat you 01:01:00 – Tolerating loneliness during growth 01:03:45 – Making mistakes on purpose 01:06:10 – Learning to take life more lightly
01:09:00 – Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple 01:10:40 – Why dual depression adds strain 01:12:30 – Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics 01:15:10 – Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance 01:18:00 – Day-to-day functioning and division of labor 01:20:30 – Supporting each other without enabling 01:23:15 – Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility 01:26:10 – Using CBT to manage depressive thinking
––––––––––––––––––
This episode is especially relevant if you're questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast
View all episodes
By Kim Polinder
4.9
4949 ratings
In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression.
This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other.
–––––––––––––––––– Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview • Communicating with avoidant partners • Self-doubt and confidence • Relationships and depression
02:00 – Faith in yourself explained (without religion) 03:10 – Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change 05:05 – Why belief in change matters before action 06:40 – CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors 08:35 – Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue 10:20 – Taking accountability for change
11:30 – Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners 13:05 – Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics 15:10 – Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem 17:30 – Emotional shutdown and childhood origins 19:45 – Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other 22:30 – Independence vs emotional unavailability 24:40 – Where attachment patterns are formed 27:10 – Why communication feels one-sided 29:30 – Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk 31:45 – Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner 34:10 – When communication tools stop working 36:30 – Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment 38:45 – When it may be time to walk away 41:20 – Sampling behavior to predict the future
43:10 – Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism 45:05 – How self-criticism becomes tied to worth 47:40 – Childhood roots of self-doubt 50:10 – Why self-blame once served a purpose 52:35 – Separating past conditioning from present reality 55:20 – Attributing success without self-punishment 58:10 – Letting go of people who mistreat you 01:01:00 – Tolerating loneliness during growth 01:03:45 – Making mistakes on purpose 01:06:10 – Learning to take life more lightly
01:09:00 – Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple 01:10:40 – Why dual depression adds strain 01:12:30 – Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics 01:15:10 – Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance 01:18:00 – Day-to-day functioning and division of labor 01:20:30 – Supporting each other without enabling 01:23:15 – Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility 01:26:10 – Using CBT to manage depressive thinking
––––––––––––––––––
This episode is especially relevant if you're questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast