Baby Oil and Blow

It’s Slashtober, and we’re celebrating the only way we know how––by watching and discussing low-rent franchise horror films full of amateur Canadian actors and grizzly simulated murder. Up today is JASON X (2001), the unlikely 10th film in the beyond long in the tooth FRIDAY THE 13TH franchise where Jason gets frozen, unthawed 400 years in the future, and then shot into space! What does he find there? Comely 19-year-old science students doing science stuff in belly shirts, of course. Time to murder them with a space machete.

After a couple weeks of corporate America interruption, the podcast is back for our annual celebration of Halloween Horror Stupidity. It’s Slashtober, and we’re kicking things off by covering one of the most tragically under-appreciated Matthew McConaughey performances of all-time, his abusive, perverted, robot-legged Texan psychopath, Vilmer, in the criminally under-watched late franchise sequel, THE RETURN OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, AKA, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION.

Now that it’s officially Fall, we felt like we needed to kick things up when it came to our September mini-series, Free Fallin, where we’ve been talking about movies that feature badass skydiving sequences. How does one turn things up to eleven after we’ve already talked back to back weeks of Charlie Sheen movies? By calling in the big guns. It’s Howie Long, it’s William Forsythe, it’s dudes jumping out of airplanes while carrying chainsaws. We watched the amazingly titled late 90s flop, FIRESTORM.

Sometimes a movie sounds better on paper than it actually ends up being. You tell me I’m about to watch a movie where Chuck Sheen plays a former Olympic gymnast turned bad boy skydiver turned KGB recruit, and I’m expecting something great. And then you have TERMINAL VELOCITY, where… well, I don’t want to spoil things. I’ll let you listen and figure out how we feel for yourself. It’s the second movie in our Free Fallin’ miniseries, where we’re talking a bunch about skydiving action heroes while we rocket towards autumn, and it’s right here for your listening pleasure.

It’s the last weekend of true summer, as the calendar turns over to September and Autumn approaches. Instead of whining about it, we’ve decided to rip the band-aid clean off and ditch our disastrous attempt at doing an August mini-series to start up a new fall series for September. It’s Free Fallin’, our month-long look at movies that feature prominent sky diving sequences. First up is powerhouses Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn teaming up to give us one of the most accurate portrayals of American heroism ever put on film, NAVY SEALS (1990).

For some ungodly reason we decided to punish ourselves by watching straight to video sequels all August long. So this is the start of our latest miniseries, Discount DVD Bin! That exclamation point is there to make things sound exciting. What’s up first? The straight to DVD monster movie sequel that wasn’t enticing enough to bring back Kevin Bacon, TREMORS 2: AFTERSHOCKS.

If you’re looking for some kind of low brow movie podcast for idiots, keep moving pal, because we’re talking about a documentary on this bad boy. That’s right, we’re smart as shit. Our Action Mount Rushmore month finishes up with the most Austrian head on our monument, that of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s Mr Olympia versus an Eyetalian Hulk from Brooklyn known as Lou Ferrigno in the 70s bodybuilding doc PUMPING IRON!

July is when we do our Action Mount Rushmore, where we watch a JCVD, a Stallone, a Seagal, and a Schwarzenegger. This year in specific, we’re doing Mount Rushmore two-handers, where our dudes share top billing with another actor. Caught up? Good. Because this is a very special episode of the podcast… it’s our first watchalong! What that means, is instead of watching this week’s movie (THE GLIMMER MAN) and then listening to the podcast, you’re going to get it ready to go and then push play and watch it with us… it’s the only thing we had any time to get together this week! Also, it’s the closest you’re ever going to get to hanging out with the hosts of this podcast, which some people have described as “Hell on Earth.” So, get THE GLIMMER MAN ready, pause it when the Warner Bros. shield pops up, and then prepare to press play 23:13 into the podcast. Sounds complex? Don’t worry, we drunkenly talk you through the whole procedure during the show. Everything will come out in the wash.

We’re really committed to this Action Movie Mount Rushmore two-hander thing, where we’re watching movies where our top 4 action heroes share top billing with another theoretically as large star, so that means we had to spend our day today sitting through and talking about ASSASSINS (1995). It’s one of those movies where Stallone is trying to play a well-dressed and well-spoken sophisticated type, so thank heavens Antonio Banderas is also in it sweating his ass off and acting like a swarthy lunatic. Saved the movie, quite frankly.

Unless you’ve been living under a goddamned rock for the last couple years, you know that July is always the month where we celebrate our Action Mount Rushmore. We watch a JCVD, we watch a Stallone, we watch a Seagal, and we watch a Schwarzenegger. This year we’re going to zhuzh things up a bit by theming things further. We’re talking Mount Rushmore two-handers, where our titans of action share equal billing with another badass of equal-in-the-moment stature. First up in the rotation is Jean-Claude Van Damme going toe to toe with Dolph Lundgren in a movie about government-created Frankensteins going haywire, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER (the OG).