Pain. Suffering. Pizza. Death. Of course, we all grew up learning that these are the four pillars of the Diamond of Life, but how often do we actually put them into practice? This week, we dive deep into the Tao of Tapan, revealing, among other things, the core tenets of the doctrine: how not to compare your life to the Holocaust, how to steal an election, and how to chop a pizza in half with your bare hands.

Pairings: cyclobenzaprine; a seaworthy vessel; low voter turnout