The New Evolution is looking more and more like a cult, to the point that Brandon finally does something about it. Meanwhile, ANOTHER of Donna’s boyfriends has decided to treat her like shit over her virginity. And Val made a lot more money than we thought she did. Oh, did we also mention a charity for children with heart conditions let a bunch of teenagers run a telethon for them?

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Ariel (yes, that Ariel) is back, and once again she’s got her sights set on Donna’s boyfriend. Meanwhile, Val wants equal pay for equal work, but Dylan and the Walshes have some different opinions about that. And Brandon struggles to keep Kelly in his life while Finlay works to pull her deeper and deeper into the cult, I mean New Revolution.

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Professor Finlay tries to recruit Brandon to the cult, we mean cause. But when he doesn’t immediately sign on Finlay brands him an extern and Kelly turns against him. Meanwhile, Jonesy found Dylan’s money! And Erica! And Val and Dylan join forces to con the cons.

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Rush has put at least $2 into the PPAD and Steve is convinced that it’s gonna fail. Clare, David, Donna, and Ray are all excited to go on without Steve; and Dylan and Brandon are trying to rekindle their relationship, without Steve. Meanwhile, Kelly is still trying to deal with her trauma in easily the worst way possible.

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Dylan is finally ready to face the music for his car accident. Thankfully, the cops forgot about the drug paraphernalia they found in his car and he gets probation and loses his license for a little while. Andrea runs back into Laundry Man, now Dr. Laundry, and we hate it. The PPAD is going on without Steve, who’s busy hanging out with Milton Berle, and Kelly is busy hating Val, but what else is new?

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Buffy Summers is starting at her new school, Sunnydale High, after getting expelled for burning the school gym down at her old school. She meets Cordelia, Willow, Xander, and best librarian Giles. Together, they fight vampires, demons, chemistry homework, and the forces of darkness. Can she be popular and save the world without getting grounded?

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This Christmas Felice may truly win the worst parent ever award. Meanwhile, Jesse and Andrea fight over a teething baby crying while a stranger holds her, Dylan goes to the FBI, and Brandon finally sees Kelly’s burns.

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We’re picking up the morning after the fire and no one in 90210-land is learning and growing. Kelly and Jackie are arguing about Kelly’s physical appearance, Brandon is lying about seeing Emily Valentine, David is being mean to Donna, and it’s all just too much. And it’s hard to even start to talk about Steve, but I guess we will.

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Emily Valentine comes to visit and a house catches on fire, but they’re completely unrelated. And the sexy winds that make you do stuff are back. Meanwhile, we debate what astrological sign Kelly is, Dylan makes a cameo, and Cindy is collecting pine cones for unrelated fires.

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Archie Andrews and his friends have had a wild summer, including (but not limited to) - a sordid affair, a bromance breakup, a mental breakdown, white collar crime, and a murder. This year, Riverdale is anything but “the town with pep!”

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