This episode is free this week to welcome our new readers/listeners :)

Welcome back to our No Bad Parts Read-A-Long. I’m so glad to have you here, and I know we’ve got quite a few new people this week. For those who are new, this is our little club where we come together to explore different books and healing modalities. We’ve previously gone through The Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma, which explores NARM, the NeuroAffective Relational Model. Right now, we’re diving into No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz, which focuses on Internal Family Systems (IFS).

Each week, we meet here to discuss a chapter, and I provide some interpretation to help you along. Whether you’ve read the book or not, it’s all good - you’re welcome to join, ask questions, or simply listen in and learn. As we wrap up No Bad Parts, I’m excited to share that our final live meeting will be on Saturday, February 22nd, at 11 a.m. Eastern Time. I’m hoping this time will allow some of our friends from Europe and other parts of the world to join us. If you can’t attend live, don’t worry, the meeting will be recorded, and you’re welcome to submit questions in advance.

Looking ahead, I’d love your input on what we explore next. One option is Unlocking the Emotional Brain by Bruce Ecker, which delves into Coherence Therapy. It’s a bit dense, but if there’s enough interest, we could study it together. If there isn’t another book we want to dive into, I’ve been considering doing some longer-form research or deeper video work. We could explore how to really get underneath some of these patterns in more practical ways - like a little trauma school, if you will. I’d love to hear what would feel supportive or connecting for you. This space is meant to be a connected community, and I thank every one of you for being here and exploring this work together.

As we start Chapter Eight, we’re diving into vision and purpose. From the Internal Family Systems model - or really any healing model -we know that as we gain more access to Self, we also gain more access to curiosity, compassion, and clarity. This leads us to connect more deeply to our values, vision, and purpose.

For those who saw my recent post on values through a survival strategy lens, you know how valuable it can be to start teasing apart what we truly value versus what protective parts or child-consciousness parts make us think we want. Protective parts, burdened by survival patterns, often hold the weight of trying to keep us and our exiles safe from terror, shame, or grief. This means that while we might feel we value certain things, we’re often stuck in patterns driven by survival rather than authentic desire.

For example, someone might say they value caring for others. As a therapist, of course, I see the importance of caring for others. But if that value stems from a protector part, it’s not about genuine care - it’s about avoiding one’s own needs, boundaries, or wants because they feel too unsafe. When protective parts are driving us, we may shut down, freeze, fawn, or dissociate to maintain a sense of safety.

This can lead to over-performing - taking care of everyone else’s needs at the expense of our own - to avoid the feeling of being “voted off the island.” It can be confusing, though, because those values may feel deeply important. And they might be! But if they’re driven by protective parts rather than Self, they’re rooted in fear, not authenticity.

As we begin to unburden our protective parts and exiles, these patterns relax. We then gain access to our authentic, altruistic selves, the parts of us that genuinely enjoy giving, creating, or helping without overriding our own needs. This creates a spaciousness within us, allowing for softer, more connected, and more loving parts of ourselves to emerge.

tiny sparks - trisha wolfe is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This week, we’re exploring Chapter Eight, which focuses on vision and purpose. In the IFS model, as we gain more access to Self, we naturally begin to uncover what we truly value and want for ourselves. This process often involves distinguishing between our authentic desires and those shaped by protective parts or survival strategies. For example, you might believe you value taking care of others, but upon reflection, you may find this stems from a protector part that fears setting boundaries or expressing your own needs.

Protective parts carry burdens, often rooted in past trauma, and work tirelessly to keep us safe. These parts may push us toward hyper-performing, dissociating, or intellectualizing as a means of survival. But as we unburden these parts and invite them into connection with Self, they can begin to relax. This creates spaciousness, allowing us to access the softer, more loving, and more creative parts of ourselves.

When we live a Self-led life, we get to shed layers of armor that we’ve been carrying. This doesn’t mean our personality changes - it means we become lighter and more authentic. With this newfound clarity, we start to notice values and desires that were previously hidden beneath survival strategies. Instead of forcing outcomes, we can approach our lives with curiosity, allowing our vision to emerge naturally.

However, this journey is not without challenges. As we connect with a Self-led vision, it’s common to experience backlash from our internal protector parts. These parts might voice doubts like, “Who do you think you are to pursue this?” or “You’ll never succeed.” This backlash is a natural response from parts that are trying to keep us safe. Instead of silencing these voices, we can acknowledge them, offer reassurance, and invite them to trust us.

Over time, with gentle curiosity and observation, we can rewire these old patterns. This process takes time and patience, but it leads to profound shifts. As we integrate our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations, we move closer to a state of alignment and flow. In this state, we’re not striving or controlling but rather moving with the rhythm of life, like a river.

Dr. Schwartz highlights the importance of integrating all parts of ourselves, likening it to a fruit salad rather than a smoothie. Each part retains its individuality while contributing to the whole. This perspective aligns beautifully with other modalities like NARM, which emphasizes making decisions from an adult consciousness while holding the complexities of life with compassion and curiosity.

As you continue your journey toward a Self-led life, notice what arises for you. Are there parts or patterns that feel particularly sticky? Are there values or desires that are beginning to emerge? This is an opportunity to explore these questions with curiosity and without judgment.

If you’ve listened to me for any period of time, you know we can’t start with an outcome. We can’t force our way toward what we want because if we do, we’re just overriding all those protector parts and exiles that have already been overridden in the past. Many of us have lived this way - over-functioning, overperforming, pushing our needs aside, and striving to be perfect. We’ve intellectualized, avoided emotions, and hidden our humanity.

As we become more Self-led, we realize we don’t need to pressure ourselves to get what we want. In fact, it’s when we slow down, get curious, and stop pushing that things start to become clear. When we’re in Self, there’s a sense of clarity, connection, and alignment. You may have heard of a flow state - that feeling when time seems to pass effortlessly, like when you’re reading a good book and look up to find an hour has gone by. That’s the type of experience we can access more and more when we live from Self.

We don’t need to strive toward what we want. Instead, we can move with the flow of life, like a river, and things come with more ease. This integration allows us to experience our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations without one dominating the others. It’s exciting to feel individuality alongside wholeness. For example, you might still have a rational, intellectual part of you, but instead of that part trying to control everything, it can simply enjoy pursuits like reading or learning, which feel good and fulfilling.

Dr. Richard Schwartz references Dan Siegel, a neurobiologist and neuropsychiatrist, who talks about parts coming together in the Self like a fruit salad, not a smoothie. We’re not trying to blend away our uniqueness or cut off any part of ourselves. Instead, I think of it like a board meeting - each part has a seat at the table, but Self is the CEO who listens and makes decisions.

It’s also important to acknowledge that not everyone experiences their internal world in the same way. Yes, we’re reading about parts and talking about the idea of a fruit salad versus a smoothie, but how you interpret and experience this work will be unique to you. Personally, I don’t always think of my internal world in terms of specific parts. After doing a lot of work, I tend to approach it from the perspective of adult consciousness, as described in NARM. This allows me to hold the complexities of life - what’s hard, scary, or angering - alongside what’s good, true, and loving.

If I notice a contraction or discomfort, I observe it and recognize it as a child-consciousness pattern or an old predictive pathway getting activated. That’s what works for me after years of practice. For you, it might look different. You might always find value in naming and communicating with specific parts, and that’s okay. The beauty of this work is that you get to choose what resonates with you and leave the rest.

The process of moving toward a Self-led life can look different for everyone. You might always want to name and communicate with the different parts of yourself, and that’s perfectly fine. The beauty of this work is that you get to choose what works for you and leave behind what doesn’t. It’s also worth noting that this journey often progresses much more slowly than described in books. If you’re exploring this path and finding yourself in a place where you feel more Self-led, take a moment to notice what that feels like.

Are there parts of you - child consciousnesses or neural pathways - that feel sticky or seem to hang around? This is an opportunity for curiosity. For instance, if you’re reflecting on your values and something like creativity feels important to you for the first time, it can feel liberating. You might feel spaciousness and excitement as you connect with this value. But sometimes, backlash occurs. You might feel tense, anxious, or critical of yourself later, wondering where those feelings came from. These reactions could stem from parts of you that still feel unsafe with this newfound clarity.

Dr. Schwartz talks about this experience in the chapter, and it’s an important one: the backlash or blowback that arises as we connect with a Self-led vision. This is a common and normal experience but can feel disconcerting. Imagine you’ve unburdened, connected to yourself, and started to feel your emotions and body sensations more deeply. Now, you’re connecting to something exciting, like creativity or a new vision for yourself. Maybe you’ve decided to start making art, writing, or pursuing something bigger. It feels exhilarating and aligned with who you are.

tiny sparks - trisha wolfe is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

But just as you begin to step into this clarity, your protective parts may react with fear. Having agency and moving toward what we want for ourselves can be one of the scariest things for those with relational or developmental trauma. For many of us, being ourselves felt unacceptable at some point in our lives. Perhaps we grew up in a family of rational intellectualizers, and as a child, our big emotions weren’t welcomed or understood. Even if no one explicitly told us to stop feeling, we might have internalized the message that some parts of us were unacceptable.

This creates a global lens where anything tied to agency - wanting something, being ourselves, or stepping into authenticity - feels unsafe. Protective parts react strongly because they’re trying to shield us from past experiences of rejection or disconnection. This pattern becomes ingrained, like a predictive neural pathway that’s been laid down and continues to fire under perceived threats.

When old protective patterns are triggered, it can feel overwhelming, like a tiger is about to pounce. Pain, shame, fear of failure, terror, and grief flood our systems, and familiar internal voices start to play their old tapes: “Who do you think you are? No one’s going to care. The world’s so broken, what’s the point? You can’t make a living doing that. It’ll be embarrassing when people laugh at you.”

These voices can feel mean, but they aren’t mean because of who we are. They’re expressions of deeply protective parts that fear the risks associated with agency and authenticity. These parts say, “If you get too close to something big or meaningful, I need to stop you.” The backlash can feel disheartening like you’ve swung from clarity back into self-doubt.

It’s essential to normalize this experience and understand that it’s expected and anticipated. When it happens, it may suck, but it makes sense. This is where we practice not overriding or silencing these voices but bringing them along for the journey. Building a Self-led life means letting these parts know, “I understand why this feels scary. I see why you might not fully trust me yet. But I’m here now, and it’s okay.”

Over time, those old predictive patterns soften. It becomes less like a tiger is trying to eat you and more like, “This is big, but I can handle it.” The brain supports this shift, neurons that fire together wire together. With repetition, we can form new patterns, and our protective responses become less dominant.

Neutral, curious observation plays a critical role here. Instead of trying to control or suppress your internal world, you simply notice, name, and observe what’s happening. Dr. Schwartz includes exercises in this chapter to support this practice. I’ll record at least one as a guided meditation for those interested. Remember, you can take things one small drop at a time - titration is key. This work moves quickly in books, but in real life, progress is gradual, and that’s perfectly okay.

Another vital aspect of living a Self-led life is connecting to something greater than ourselves. Dr. Schwartz explains that as we become more Self-led, we feel more. This happens because we’re less frozen, more present, and more in tune with ourselves. While this increased sensitivity can bring awe, joy, empathy, and presence, it also means feeling more pain, sadness, fear, and anger. These emotions are part of being human.

Feeling emotions proportionately and in the present is part of the healing process. It’s not about living in constant fear or terror but about engaging with emotions as they arise, allowing them to move through us rather than overwhelming us. When we come out of freeze, fight, flight, or fawn, we regain access to the full spectrum of human emotion.

Being Self-led doesn’t mean you’re consumed or flooded by emotions, but rather that you can engage with them, feel them, and allow them to move through you. Dr. Schwartz describes this connection to Self as having a transcendent perspective, a sense that, in the grand scheme of things, everything is okay.

And so there's a paradox that he discusses. The more that we feel our vulnerability, the more we remain grounded in a sense of calm and clarity. We can engage in the intensity of human life while staying connected to the Self who can observe it happening.

He talks about the balance between these states of observing the world around us and observing ourselves. There's some discussion here about how spiritual practices might connect in this in different ways that are certainly interesting to explore if that feels interesting or connected to you. There’s also more discussion about that wonderful flow state - how it can feel enjoyable, fulfilling, and how we perform an activity for its own sake rather than for an award or a reward. That’s what we’re curious about, even if it’s something as simple as standing outside listening to the birds. It doesn’t have to be a huge career change; it can be the little moments in our life. Again, that’s why I’m such a fan of glimmers, the small moments that allow us to connect with the goodness around us.

Just like anything else in this book, you can take or leave the discussion around spirituality and transcendence. You can take what works for you and leave the rest, or you can titrate the experience. Also, knowing that when there’s so much going on in the world, this idea that we can hold the world and ourselves at once can feel pretty impossible and pretty complicated.

We might be feeling overwhelming presence and overwhelming feelings here in the present. That’s what I call “top-level stressors,” where these are stressors that are real and actually happening in the present. They feel really scary and overwhelming. And then there are the “underneath stressors” that come up as a result of those. For example, when things feel really stressful and overwhelming in the world, we might start criticizing ourselves, stop taking care of ourselves, or feel shut down. All of those reactions are, again, normal and expected because of the neural pathways.

So, just knowing that whatever you’re feeling right now with everything that’s happening in the world, it’s normal and it’s expected. Survival strategies, or protective parts as they’re called in IFS, are there for us when we need them, not when we want them. That means we don’t get a choice when those parts are active. We don’t get to decide when terror, grief, or rage comes out to play.

Knowing this, now is the time to take things extra gently for yourself. Slow way down. Be curious about finding little glimmers, finding moments of neutrality, finding little moments of connection, whatever that means for you in whatever way is available right now. And know that it’s okay to take care of yourself even when stressful things are happening.

Even if parts of you say, “No, it’s not,” we can be curious about noticing those parts. Notice the parts that say, “You can’t stop and take care of yourself because this horrible thing is happening.” That part must be feeling a lot of terror. Can you notice that for a moment? Can you put a pinky in the present and connect with the Self, even if it’s a teeny tiny 1% of you, or 0.01%, or 0.001%? If you can’t right now, that’s okay.

Maybe try a little grounding. Look around the room and pick out six colors to see if you can come back and observe it again. All of life is expansion and contraction, in-breath and out-breath. If you feel a deep contraction right now, know that another expansion will come again. And if you can’t feel access to your Self right now, know that it will come again.

I’m wishing you a good week ahead.

Thanks for reading tiny sparks - trisha wolfe! This post is public so feel free to share it.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit trishawolfe.substack.com/subscribe