1 Peter 4:12 NLT

'Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you.'

January the sixth is the feast of Epiphany, marking the arrival of the Magi in Bethlehem. It is also Christmas day for the Orthodox and Coptic Church. I have written before of the faith and commitment of the Magi in leaving home, crossing a desert in the hope of finding the sign they looked for. It took a large amount of faith to pursue their interpretation of a cosmic invitation, saddle up and cross a desert in a hope that their faithfulness might be rewarded. Scripture reveals that it was.

I realised some years ago that I had settled too easily into the assurances my Christian faith offered me. For every question I appeared to have an answer, and when challenged I responded by simply arguing my perspective with arrogant confidence. Life’s events subsequently pitched me into a maelstrom in which I became my own greatest inquisitor. I had no desire to abandon God in light of circumstance, yet I could not with integrity repeat parrot-fashion theological statements that made sense to my head while missing my heart by a country mile.

Like the Magi, I had to determine the extent to which I was willing to embrace the discomfort of dislocation. Leave what I had come to love and where I’d sunk my roots, mount up and head in a direction that was as uncertain as the nightly reappearance of my guiding star.

Yet, faith is always a journey, and never a settled location. Once we discover we have settled, we are unlikely to find the essence of God and will merely pursue the form of faithful worship and service with none of the excitement of God’s presence. When I want things settled, ordered, in many ways finalised, the Holy Spirit shows up and, much like the pillar of cloud and fire (Exodus 13:21), invites me to get up and journey further. Behind me lay a series of experiences, relationships and learning, all of which provoke me to pursue God wherever he might lead.

QUESTION: Are you willing to follow God, even if that means trials and hardships?

PRAYER: Jesus, you suffered, but you knew the joy that was before you. Help me see the joy of serving you and others.

1 Corinthians 13:8a NLT

'Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!'

I believe that God’s love for me is never-ending. I appreciate that the decisions I need to take in response to love may not appear to be in my own self-interest. Hence, while I would like the accolade of saint for having accompanied Katey through her journey with MS, it wasn’t that I didn’t consider absconding when the pressure and isolation became too intense.

God hangs in with us when our attitudes, choices and behaviours may greatly disappoint him. Equally he invites us to hang in with him when his love has a strange way of revealing itself in our life’s experience. I am increasingly invested in the stories of those who have endured some horrendous experience, yet have found the courage and capacity to turn this reversal into a motivation for continuing with life, and if anything, living harder.

Love which is so often presented as something of an emotion with a soft centre is in fact a solid steel backbone that affords me the opportunity to live on purpose. That purpose is God’s, whose invitation is that I discover him at its very heart. My Christian life has flip-flopped on numerous occasions, yet now I see more clearly through the maturing eyes of faith that my call is simply to honour God and keep going.

I’ve been in some trouble with a long-standing friend, and he’s withdrawn a little distance currently, because I have found myself talking positively about death. I feel as if I am on the final leg of life and, without in any way minimising the acute pain of those literally at death’s door, never has life made more sense or God more real. I am excited and at peace. It’s a most glorious place to be, despite the ongoing challenges of daily living.

QUESTION: In what ways are you experiencing God’s love?

PRAYER: Lord God, thank you that your love is faithful, that your love never ends and stretches beyond the grave.

1 Corinthians 13:6 NLT

'It [love] does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.'

Common wisdom declares that it’s the final straw that breaks the camel’s back. Life, it seems, has a habit of serving up that last straw on numerous occasions. These are the ones when I break love’s four poles. I fail to bear, believe, hope and endure “all things” (v7, ESV)!

Any success in meeting such exacting demands requires an encounter with God that counters my own natural sense of self-preservation. I’ve spoken before of my role in the Oratory as chief cook and bottle-washer. I am the one who designs, prepares and produces the meals. I put together Jayne’s packed lunch each day and I am pleased to do so. Yet I can feel resentful, and sometimes operate less out of love than forced habit.

How, then, can I rise to Paul’s exacting challenge? Only in as far as I can discern God in all that I do. For that to stand any chance of success, I must see beyond the person to the image of Christ imprinted within them. So when Mum waves her teacup in the air at breakfast, indicating she needs another cup, why is it I react within? Can’t I see that aged 91 she is perhaps struggling to express her need in any other way? What’s more, I actually want to ensure she has all she wants. Yet that action of waving a cup seems to summon me as servant.

I need to grasp that becoming the willing servant of all, at Jesus’ invitation, is a process as much about me as the one served. Each day is a challenge to discover the points at which I am provoked, and learn how I might choose to dethrone myself and make room for Christ. I guess the one served may never notice either me or Christ within, yet that’s not the point. It still remains an eloquent witness to me, if no one else, that I am choosing to ignore the final straw and instead of collapsing beneath its weight, finding the grace to bear the burden and love God.

QUESTION: What truths can you rejoice in today?

PRAYER: Lord Jesus, you came to serve and not to be served. Help me follow your example today.

1 Corinthians 13:5 NLT

'It [love] does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.'

How does love insist on its own way, for this is surely counterintuitive to the very DNA of love? Love is surely living primarily for the other. Yet we all too often ensure that we take care of our own interests first.

Irritability is ever-present in a close relationship. It requires both my attention and my close self-management. When I fail, then it operates in a wounding way. So Mum has a doctor’s appointment and we are in the car ready to go, and my neighbour catches me over the fence and we begin a conversation as I’m getting into the driver’s seat. Mum snaps, “For goodness’ sake, I have a doctor’s appointment and an injection. Can’t we just get going?” She is irritated, no doubt fuelled by anxiety about her injection. I jump in. My neighbour jokes, “Just the taxi service, are we?” I drive off, feeling irritated, and resentful, since I spend my life making Mum’s appointments and then accompanying her on each and every one.

So, now irritated, I fail to manage myself and drive too fast. Mum announces she’s scared, that she has hit her arm on the door as I turned a corner, and we arrive at the doctor’s both upset, to the extent that as she gets out of the car at the drop-off point, before I proceed and park, she announces, “You are a really horrible person!”

She’s right. The most theologically correct statement she might ever make. I am horrible. So is she, so we all are. It’s God’s grace that is there to help me manage my horribleness. When I fail or choose not to draw upon that grace, then exchanges such as we experienced take place. Such experiences create atmospheres and reinforce existing glass walls. We’re still early for the appointment and wait with an uncomfortable atmosphere between us. With over 150 years of life experience, we choose to behave as spoilt kids! We still love each other, without feeling it.

QUESTION: Who irritates you and how, when and why? What is it you resent about those closest to you?

PRAYER: Lord, I am so glad that you have kept no record of my wrongs. Help me love others in the way you have loved me.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5a NLT

'Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.'

The words of 1 Corinthians 13 often form part of the readings at a wedding. I can understand why, since they speak eloquently of love. Problem is, as life gently unravels over the years, I am forced to consider, what of love do I really know? My life’s work includes impatience, unkindness, envy and boasting, exaggerating my accomplishments, and rudeness on many occasions.

I do have a soft heart and am moved by the plight of humanity, yet with those who are closest, my behaviour often fails the love test. This has been most recently highlighted as Mum has made her home with us. After the natural initial honeymoon period, life has fallen into a pattern from which it’s difficult to know if she is happy. Also, I can’t tell if she feels I care and support her out of sufferance or because she is a welcome family member in our home. In all honesty, sometimes I don’t even know.

Publicly, Mum says wonderful things, yet I can’t help sensing that she is not as comfortable or as happy as her public pronouncements declare. We seem incapable of holding a conversation that would clarify her feelings, and mine.

So, while Paul’s declaration is crystal clear, working it out in practice while developing a handy measure against which to quantify his love values is far from easy. Love, it appears, is far from the external acts that an observer might describe as acts of love. For love is a complex internal set of emotions that fuel thoughts and can build glass walls between us. We live in close proximity yet separated from each other as if by 1,000 miles. This is the overwhelming challenge of love. It can be taught and understood, yet is elusive in practice. The very steps we take to close the space between us can in fact create an ever-widening gulf.

QUESTION: Do you feel loved by those closest to you? Or indeed, do you love them yourself?

PRAYER: Lord, you have been so patient and kind to me; fill me afresh with your love, and may that overflow to others.

Psalm 36:5 NLT

'Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.'

At times it’s difficult to see how God’s involvement in our lives is beneficial. The very things we pray for elude us and our greatest fears engulf us. So, what has that to do with the steadfast love of God?

Watching the Paralympics last summer in Rio, I noted how the partially sighted runners were given a guide. This guide was connected to them by the wrist. Now, these guides were chosen by the athlete and together they practised to establish a seamless running style that depended entirely upon trust. In much the same way as we chose Jesus as our guide, we need to take the time to learn to place our implicit trust in his guidance. God is our eyes through life.

We may feel as though life is running us, rather than us being in control of our environment, yet in fact it is God’s grace that sustains us even when circumstance suggests otherwise. The steadfast love of God will guide us to the end of the race, and we are invited to run it to the very best of our ability. Just as it is amazing to see Paralympic athletes run around the track reliant upon their guide, yet fully in command of their own speed and effort, so it is a witness to a watching world as we allow God to lead us where he wills while we run with perseverance the race into which we have been entered.

In our race we seek to attain a medal through hard work. It was learning to develop such a mindset that enabled Katey and me to run the race of MS and for Katey to reach the finishing line with her head held high and her heart intact, while her spirit soared, to the wonder of all onlookers.

QUESTION: How much do you trust the Holy Spirit as your guide?

PRAYER: Lord, you see and know what I can’t see or know. Help me to trust you through this life.

Psalm 36:4 NLT

'They lie awake at night, hatching sinful plots. Their actions are never good. They make no attempt to turn from evil.'

It has taken many years to make my peace with God’s invitation to pursue the way of the contemplative hermit. Every time I give the big “yes”, I am swamped with invitations and “essential” things to do that disturb the very rhythm I am seeking to establish in the home. Patience is not a natural virtue, nor is resting in the silence and the stillness. Good news is that even for the most active among us – I include myself here – this is a way of life that can be learned.

In the past, I would lie awake for hours worrying about details I wanted to control the outcome of at work. All that anxiety was of no benefit, although I struggled to control, more out of a need to protect myself from criticism and failure.

On one occasion I had been through a tortuous meeting carefully managed by someone else, and every outcome I wanted to manage was eluding me. I felt disempowered and vulnerable; deep anger towards this other person welled up within me. I slept not one wink, and the next day was completely unsuccessful in my attempts to stamp my mark upon the outcome. What was so important back then is now irrelevant, yet those feelings were intense and took hold of my whole being. As I fretted all night long, my mind also created evil scenarios into which I inserted my main protagonist. I lost sight of the original objective and became distracted with my own feelings and personal loss of control.

Learning to give control to God isn’t easy. However, failure to discover that art only intensifies the delusion that we are managing our own environment. Then we are destined to live a restless life, compared to the peace and rest that is God’s gift to all who follow him. We may struggle to insulate ourselves from events that we do not control, but once we can rest in the reality that God has hold of our life and that he will do us no harm – what a relief!

QUESTION: What thoughts occupy your mind and keep you from sleeping?

PRAYER: Heavenly Father, thank you that you care for me and that I can cast all my cares and anxieties on to you.

Psalm 36:3 NLT

Everything they say is crooked and deceitful. They refuse to act wisely or do good.

I discovered at a young age that words could inflict untold damage. Consequently I quickly developed for myself a thick skin to repel words of criticism, taunts and insults. I concentrated upon being quickest with a twisted verbal response to penetrate below the defences of others. My tongue became both my greatest asset and my greatest liability. Able to think quickly on my feet, I fired out fine-sounding phrases that cut down those around me.

The fruit of this, and something I have come to repent of at leisure, is that I not only lost the trust and affection of those I craved it from, I also created within my head a negative, and often cynical mindset. Consequently, my glass was mostly half-empty and I was afflicted by comparing myself with others.

Skills developed at school as part of my defence mechanism, which initially appeared to offer me a fast track to success, in time became both a burden and a negative influence upon my development. Rather than speaking creative words of encouragement, my words were loaded with mischief and deceit. My communication implied that I was on the level and honest, but this disguised my ulterior motive; to manipulate the situation for my advantage.

It has taken years of reflection and taking time with God to identify this deceit and then to shed its skin. I now at least recognise my internal driver to speak ill of people and can therefore take that knowledge and build a different style of communication. This I practically do daily, yet must confess that I can still think some dreadful thoughts. Learning to think before I speak has not only changed the substance of my communication, it’s also developed a whole new approach towards people and situations. At the same time, my inner insecurity and paranoia has, if not disappeared completely, been revealed so that I can choose to manage it effectively. Today I like other people and I like myself, and experience a far greater peace in the interaction with others I encounter.

QUESTION: When do you use words well, and how do you use them badly?

PRAYER: Lord, you said the tongue can be hard to tame. Help me use my words for blessing others. Do you mean in James 3? This wasn’t strictly Jesus speaking.

Psalm 36:2 NLT

'In their blind conceit, they cannot see how wicked they really are.'

I’m not sure if my recurring nightmare is experienced by you, but I scare myself sometimes by imagining standing before God and all my hidden sins are being projected onto a large screen for all to see. I choose to disguise my sin and keep it away from public scrutiny. In fact, I go further and present as someone who has managing sin down to a fine art. I’m no murderer or thief, yet when considering Jesus’ redefinition throughout the Gospels I realise I am as guilty as any of them.

I like to flatter myself that I am one of the righteous, those who have no major sin to confess, and therefore one of the true friends of God. I can easily point the finger and judge how sinful I see others to be. Yet, God does not appear to differentiate sins by some benchmark value system. Sin is simply sin. This is because sin’s about the injury it does to God’s friendship with us.

Of course, when I do choose to differentiate sin by value, I gamble on the fact that my own internal sin can be kept from public scrutiny and will not be found out. At this point, like the scribes and Pharisees before me, I become a hypocrite prepared to show up as someone immune from sin. It’s little wonder that people assume God cannot love them, for all the people claiming to be loved appear untouched by sin and in a league of their own.

I know when I am approaching God with a fresh degree of integrity – it is when I’m prepared to expose the inner recesses of my secret sin cupboard to the light of God’s forgiveness and grace.

QUESTION: Do you have an internal values system that you apply to sin?

PRAYER: Holy God, you see every thought, word and deed and the things left unsaid or done. Let me live honestly in your sight.

Psalm 36:1 NLT

Sin whispers to the wicked, deep within their hearts. They have no fear of God at all.'

When leading retreats, there is a moment of nervousness when I suggest we say the Lord’s Prayer together. The discomfort arises from which version we are to say. I stick to the version I was taught as a child, with “trespasses” and all! The word “trespass” means to transgress, literally to step over a line drawn by law, convention or common consent.

If we drive, we all transgress, albeit simply by driving above the speed limit. It’s because we both can, and in some way are wired to independent action, assuming we know how best to order our lives. When pulled over and issued a speeding ticket, we initially seek to justify our actions, even inventing some emergency in an attempt to avoid the penalty. Well, I do, anyway!

Where the psalmist speaks of the wicked being motivated by a desire to transgress regularly, I don’t think we’re speaking of a generic group of wicked people in contrast to good people, or God’s people. It is that wickedness resident in each of our hearts that strains to control our opinions and behaviours.

Since we may, in our estimation, not sin hugely, ie cross the line very far, we tend to think that somehow God appreciates our circumstances and turns a blind eye to our choices. Yet, I’ve come to recognise that simply crossing the line deeply impacts my friendship with God. It has only slowly dawned upon me the extent to which I have been blindsided through my own arrogance in minimising the reality of my own sinfulness while justifying my actions in a court of my own creation. I surrendered my right to judge my own life the moment I surrendered to Christ.

QUESTION: What transgressions have you given yourself a free pass for?

PRAYER: Lord, you are not partly holy but utterly holy. Help me not to tolerate sin in my life.