Today, I’ve invited Sara Hartley onto the podcast for a conversation about raising neurodivergent kids. I really appreciate the work Sara is putting out into the world, including her new book series called Purposefully Me that helps kids navigate big feelings, embrace their differences, build resilience, and discover their unique purpose through affirmations and storytelling.

You’ll Learn:

• What to say and do when your kid is getting out of control and you need a reset
• Why you don’t have to be constantly parenting
• How Sara went from forgetting her son’s cleats into a great Friday night with her kids
• How to use Sara’s ALIGN Parenting Method™ to calm your body and mind

Sara and I are both moms of neurodivergent kids, so you’ll get lots of real life perspective and examples in this episode. We also talked about Sara’s ALIGN Parenting Method™, which helps you handle those challenging moments when your kid gets out of bounds and you need a reset.  I know you’re going to love her!

----------------------------------------------------

Sara Lewis Hartley is a mom of two neurodivergent boys, a healthcare executive, and a certified ADHD & neurodiversity coach. Passionate about assisting families to choose connection over perfection, she inspires parents to approach challenges with compassion, confidence, and a strong sense of purpose.

 

Being a Parent of Neurodivergent Kids

As two moms of neurodivergent kids who are passionate about connected parenting, Sara and I feel like we’re speaking the same language. 

I have one son who is highly gifted with ADHD and another with pretty severe sensory processing and an eating disorder. So between the two, I was constantly trying to figure out strategies that would work.

Sara shared her story of noticing that, at a young age, her oldest son was surpassing every cognitive milestone, but struggling with social-emotional and behavioral issues. It also brought some unique parenting challenges. Sara says, “I took positive parenting courses. I did all of those things, but it still wasn't working. Because his intellect was so high, he was outsmarting every strategy that we tried.”

Fortunately for Sara, she had a good friend who worked with neurodivergent kids and put her on the right track to getting some more information and support. Through assessment, they were able to narrow down what was going on with her son and get him into OT and play therapy to help with sensory issues and emotional regulation. 

I had a similar experience with my oldest son. He didn’t really fit into any of the stages I read about when he was a toddler. As an 18-month old he may have fit in with behaviors of a 9-month old but cognitive abilities of a 3-year-old. I didn’t know what to make of it, and it was really confusing. 

When you’re parenting a neurodivergent kid, you’re likely experiencing different challenges than other moms you know. You’re trying all kinds of strategies, but they’re not really working for you. It’s easy to wonder if you’re doing something wrong or if something is wrong with your child. And this can bring up a lot of anxiety, guilt, and shame. 

You might worry about: 

• Your child having a meltdown in a public place
• Receiving incident reports from school
• Not connecting with other kids their age

Many of these same concerns can also arise with neurotypical kids who struggle with emotional regulation, trauma, medical conditions or other issues. 

One way to embrace the experience is to connect with other moms of neurodivergent kids. Sara shared that when her son was young, they became good friends with another family whose son also had ADHD. While there were certainly incidents between the two kids, the families were able to be empathetic and understanding with each other.

 

The Power of Self-Regulation—for You and Your Kids

Sara says, “I never knew that I had my own triggers. Most of my life, I felt like I was pretty even keeled. Everything was good. And it wasn’t until I started parenting that I noticed now I’m yelling, I’m really frustrated.” 

She knew that if her kids were feeling her tension and stress, that wasn’t going to help anyone. She explains that you have to regulate your own emotions and figure out what works for you before you can come alongside your child and do that for them. 

This is what being a Calm Mama is all about. Finding the strategies and outlets that help us feel a deep sense of calm so that we can share our regulated nervous system with our kids. And as you learn and practice strategies to calm yourself, your child can learn and experience them right alongside you. 

 

Here are a few ways to support your nervous system and help your kids to do the same:

1. Give yourself a break

Some days, you won’t have the capacity to explain a routine again or re-teach a strategy. This happens to us all. When you find yourself yelling that your kid didn’t put their shoes in the bin, it’s okay to just STOP. Put a pin in it and come back to it another day. It’s like giving yourself permission to not parent today. Make a note that you need to revisit that routine when you’re feeling more calm.

It’s also important to remember that we make mistakes as parents, too. Even though it can be difficult, not dumping our stress and overwhelm on our kids is important in those moments. Do your best to forgive yourself, admit your mistake, and do whatever repair is needed.

 

2. Reconsider “disrespect”

Sara and I agree that the word disrespect is often misused in parenting. Particularly when it comes to neurodivergence, kids actually have differences in their working memory and they way their brains remember specific details. They’re not trying to disrespect you, they might literally have an “out of sight, out of mind” situation happening. 

Emotional regulation comes into play here, too. When I think about all the interventions we tried, the one that made the biggest difference is recognizing that feelings drive behavior and that what I was seeing was actually emotional dysregulation. My kids weren’t giving me a hard time - they were having a hard time.

 

3. Create supportive systems 

Systems and routines can help serve as reminders to our kids of things we want them to do, whether it’s a checklist or a habit like keeping backpacks right by the door. Create visual reminders to help everyone remember what to do.

 

4. Slow down

When we can slow down, there are often less mistakes (like forgetting the cleats on the way to flag football) and less stress (which leads to dysregulation). Between activities, give yourself a moment to sit and think things through. 

 

Parenting as a Mom with Neurodivergence

Sara has met quite a few parents over the years who didn't realize they had ADHD, autism, or other neurodiversities until their child went through it. 

She herself was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 25, which brings additional challenges to parenting. For people with ADHD, it can often be difficult to create a template of order - a sequence of things that need to happen. So not only does Sara’s son struggle with this, she has her own challenges in creating that routine for him.

She describes it as having multiple tabs open in her brain at all times. She says, “I can very easily adapt and respond to something that's super urgent and hyperfocus and produce very good work in a short amount of time…But when there's a little downtime or if there are way too many things going on, it's hard to figure out where to even start.”

Here are a couple of simple strategies that Sara has found helpful in managing her own ADHD:

• Go for a walk. This is a huge emotional regulation tool that Sara adapts based on her needs at the time. Maybe it’s scanning the pavement with her eyes, doing a walking meditation, listening to loud music, or enjoying the quiet. After she’s regulated, it feels easier to determine which task to tackle first. 
• Keep food and water nearby. Sara explains that once she starts working or gets into a task, it’s hard for her to take a break. She might not want to step away for 10 minutes to get some food, so she keeps snacks at her desk.

 

Using the ALIGN Parenting Method™: A Powerful Tool for Hard Moments

Sara describes her ALIGN Method as a combination of the ability to become aware of what's happening in your surroundings and then using grounding techniques to understand how you are feeling in this moment.

ALIGN stands for:

Awareness

Listen & label

Identify the triggers

Grounding

Nurture

Sara shared a really great example of using ALIGN alongside her son when he was becoming impatient and complaining at an event. 

First she became aware of how she was feeling in her body - her heart was beating fast, and her hands were sweating. Then, she labeled her emotion - overwhelm - and identified the triggers - heat, crowds, lots of smells and sensory input.

She figured if she was feeling this way, maybe her son was, too, so she whispered to him, “Hey, buddy, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. My hands are sweating. I'm sweating all over. My heart's beating fast. I think you're feeling really overwhelmed, too, because of the crowd, the sounds, and the smells.”

Next, they did a couple quick grounding exercises together - getting a sip of water and naming 3 things around them that were purple. Finally, she did some nurture by offering options for what they would do next - continue waiting in line to get his ball signed or go home. 

Sara explains that she had real compassion and empathy for her son throughout the process because of the awareness she had from the beginning. And that this whole thing took less than 60 seconds to do. 

She says, “It's really that element of becoming aware, becoming a detective, identifying those triggers, and then moving into what is an actionable step that truly will calm your body.”

You can use this method on your own, with your child, or allow them to watch and mirror you. 

Sometimes, you might not be able to get out of your own anger or judgment and find awareness. We’re all going to be reactive sometimes. You can still use ALIGN after the fact - look at what you could have done instead, what triggers you might notice sooner next time. And do some repair when you’re ready. 

 

Purposefully Me

Sara’s book series, Purposefully Me, is made up of 14 books with recurring characters. Each book tackles a hard topic, like bullying, ADHD, autism, dyslexia, or school drills. She says that the primary audience is kids ages kindergarten through 4th grade, and each book includes a glossary and discussion questions that parents and teachers can use to start conversations with their kids. 

And while the books are written for children, Sara has heard from lots of parents and teachers who are seeing themselves in the books, as well. 

She says, “the hope is that a child feels a little bit less alone in their own brain…this will allow for them to say, ‘I’m not alone.’”

Connect with Sara:

• Learn more about Sara’s work on her website
• Follow her on IG @saralewishartley
• Find her on Facebook

Resources:

• Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today, I’m walking you through 3 things that kids need in order to feel secure in their attachment with you. Consider this your crash course in attachment basics, a how-to guide.

You’ll Learn:

• How focusing on attachment in childhood with help you kid in adulthood
• My experience as an adoptive mom working to repair my kids’ attachments after life in an orphanage
• The 4 S’s of attachment and how to use them in your parenting
• What to do if you’re still healing from your own childhood

I’m willing to bet that you're doing a lot of things right already. But if you want to improve your attachment and make it stronger, these steps will help you do it.

-----------------------------------------------------

One thing I want you to keep in mind is that attachment is a robust system. It’s not easily broken, and it’s never too late to focus on strengthening your attachment with your child.

Your kid wants to connect with you. They want to feel safe and secure with you. 

And the truth is that most parents do create secure attachment with their children. We’re hardwired to protect our kids, to take care of them and to make sure that they get what they need. 

 

Why Secure Attachment Matters

When a child has a secure attachment to their parent, it means that they feel pretty safe in the world. They’re not living in a hyper vigilant, stressed, reactive headspace. Their mental health is pretty good. 

Kids who are securely attached typically grow up to be self-reliant, independent, have a strong self esteem, and experience less anxiety and depression. 

They launch into the world…

• Feeling safe and seen
• Knowing how to take care of themselves
• Able to soothe themselves without drugs, alcohol, sex, and other addictions

The amazing thing about these 4 S’s is that when your child has this modeled for them - when they feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure with you, no matter what - they can create this inside of themselves. 

It’s that feeling of being okay. And who doesn’t want that?

 

The 4 S’s of Attachment

Each of these 4 S’s leads to the next. When your child feels safe, when they feel seen, when they feel soothed…that results in security (aka a secure attachment with you). 

 

SAFE 

Safety means that your child is physically and emotionally secure in their environment. They feel protected from harm, and they don't experience fear or threat from you.

Essentially, you need to be the safe person for your child - not the thing that scares them. This is really the crux of connected parenting. We’re not using fear or threats in order to get compliance. 

Spanking is one example of this. Your child’s fear activates their nervous system (which is not going to improve their behavior) and confuses them. You’re supposed to be the source of safety, but yet you’re the source of fear in that moment. They might be uncertain of whether they can fully trust you. 

Of course, we all have times when we are a source of fear. You might yell, rage, or get physical. That is why repair is so important. Instead of your child seeing you as dangerous, unpredictable, or unreliable, you take responsibility for your actions and use it as an opportunity to strengthen the attachment. 

 

SEEN 

To be seen is to have a caregiver who perceives and understands a child's emotional experience. 

It means that you see your child as an individual. You become curious about them, you think about what they want, who they are, and what they need. You view them as a fully whole individual that is revealing themself to you.

But sometimes, we don’t really want our kids to be themselves. You want them to be a mini-you or meet certain standards. Those expectations put you into a place of judgment rather than curiosity.

Instead, observe them and delight in who they are. Create space for conversations to understand them better.

Kids need to believe that they are good in order to develop a positive self esteem and self reliance. Being seen fulfills your kid’s need for authenticity. It allows them to express themselves and know that your attachment is unconditional. 

 

SOOTHED/SUPPORTED 

Your child looks to you for comfort and support when they are distressed. When they have complex feelings and situations happening, they want to know that you can help them sort through their big feelings. 

Soothing is not solving. You don’t need to solve all of your kid’s problems (and you shouldn’t). Discomfort and obstacles give kids the opportunity to become resilient. 

What they do need is someone who can be present with them, offer empathy, and problem solve with them, if they're interested in that. 

For example, maybe your child is doing their homework, and they're starting to get mad. They're slamming the table or ripping up their paper. You can come alongside them and say, “Listen, you're safe right now. I'm not angry with you. You're not in trouble. I'm looking at you struggling with this homework, and I wonder if you feel really overwhelmed by it…That makes sense. So how about we break it into a couple of questions at a time?” or, “How about we work on it for five more minutes and then we take a break?”

 

SECURE (The end result we’re going for) 

When your child feels safe, seen, and soothed by you, the result is a secure attachment. 

They know that no matter how they act, no matter how they show up in the world, no matter what they say or do, the attachment to you is never at risk. You have unconditional love and acceptance for them, and it cannot be broken.

It makes sense that kids who have that type of attachment in their lives grow up feeling confident and secure. 

 

Breaking the Cycle

Unfortunately, we weren’t all raised with secure attachment. We didn’t all get our physical and emotional needs met. 

If this is you, you might need to do some healing and re-parenting if you don’t want to transfer your own insecurity and hypervigilance to your kids. 

As someone who was raised with insecure attachment and had a lot of childhood trauma, I had to double down on healing myself so that I could create a secure attachment with my kids. I didn’t want to create trauma for them. 

As I healed my own insecure attachment, I created what is called earned secure attachment. I had to fight for it. I had to earn it. And now, I can just give it to my kids as an inheritance. That’s what it means to be a cycle breaker, to heal from your trauma instead of passing it on. 

It’s all about awareness - noticing when you’re using a negative strategy like lashing out or checking out. When you see those behaviors, recognize that you don't feel safe. Then, you can go back and reteach yourself how to be safe. To realize that the world is not out to get you. That you’re good enough exactly as you are. 

You get to be the parent that you always wanted and needed - for yourself and for your kids. 

 

I see you, Mama. I know that you’re already doing the work. My wish for you today is that you feel safe, seen, and soothed - exactly as you are. 

Resources:

• Episode 193: Securely Attached with Dr. Sarah Bren
• Episode 158: Guilt & Self-Forgiveness (Repair pt. 1)
• Episode 159: Saying “I’m Sorry” (Repair pt. 2)
• Episode 102: 5 Emotional Needs of Kids
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Mary Hartzell

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today, I’ve invited Dr. Sarah Bren to talk to us about attachment, knowing whether or not we have a secure attachment with our kids, and how to maintain that secure attachment through the process of repair. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why emotional health and achievement don’t have to be an either/or (and which one often leads to the other)
• Why repair is so important - and how to do it right
• A time I (recently) blew up over a bathing suit and had to do some repair
• The most impactful skill you can learn for better relationships

You’ll get some really practical tips about how to actually say sorry and make amends and talk to your kids when there's been a rupture in your relationship. I know you’re going to love this conversation and the confidence you feel when your attachment with your kids is strong.

-------------------------------------------------

Dr. Sarah Bren is a clinical psychologist and a mom of two. She has dedicated her career to translating the science of attachment into simple, real-life strategies for parents wanting to support healthy child development while not losing sight of their own mental health along the way. 

She is also the co-founder and clinical director of Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, NY, where she and her team of highly specialized therapists work with parents, children, and families. 

 

What Is Secure Attachment?

Dr. Sarah defines attachment as an instinct to form a bond that allows for physical and emotional proximity to a caregiver. It’s biological and increases our chances of survival as a species. She says, “We’re hardwired to create these relational bonds.”

Everyone attaches, but attachment science looks to the quality of that attachment relationship. Basically, secure attachment happens when a child believes that the parent will consistently and reliably meet their basic survival needs most of the time. This includes needs like food, sleep, warmth, and safety.

 

Attachment Myths

Dr. Sarah says that many parents are quite anxious about the attachment relationship with their kids. Here are a few myths you can stop worrying about right now.

 

Myth #1: Attachment is fragile. 

It can feel like the stakes are really high when it comes to creating a secure attachment with your child. 

The good news is, “It's not that fragile of a system. Not every single move you make is going to make or break an attachment relationship. It's a pretty robust system.” 

Dr. Sarah says that secure attachment is actually the default. Our job is to not actively derail it. 

 

Myth #2: If there’s friction in the relationship, your attachment is not secure. 

Smooth sailing is not a requirement for a secure attachment. You won’t always get along, and there will be friction sometimes. You’ll still need to hold limits. You’ll still upset your child, and you’ll be frustrated by them sometimes, too. 

In fact, when your kid is really mad and throwing their vilest muck at you, it’s actually a sign that they feel safe in the relationship. They know you’re not going anywhere. 

 

Myth #3: Attachment is fixed. If you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you’re doomed. 

Dr. Sarah explains that our initial attachment relationships create a sort of blueprint that we then use to anticipate how other people will receive us, respond to us, and meet our needs in the future. 

Fortunately, attachment is not fixed. While early experiences are important, the blueprint is also a living, breathing, editable document. As you move through life, different experiences and relationships will edit your blueprint. 

Each of us tends to have attachment patterns based on our individual blueprints. So, if you have a history of less secure attachments, you can learn to override those old patterns if you want to be securely attached with your kid. 

 

Rupture and Repair

In real life, there are going to be times that you lose it. You yell, you miss something that your kid needs from you, you’re not capable of soothing them when they’re in distress. That’s okay. 

Dr. Sarah says that what’s really important after this kind of rupture is the repair - a moment of coming back together and acknowledging what happened.

Repair is actually what creates a secure relationship. It shows your child that you are two separate people. You’re both going to mess up sometimes, and they can believe that you’ll come back together and be good again. 

This can be as simple as saying, “Earlier this morning, when we were having trouble getting out of the house, I just totally lost it. I know I was probably really scary in that moment. I got loud, I got mean. That was not my best moment. And I'm sorry.” 

The key is recognizing that there was a rupture in the relationship and the feelings that created. Maybe your child didn’t feel safe with you when you yelled. That rupture is what needs to be repaired. 

One mistake I see parents make is brushing past the acknowledgement. Saying, “I’m sorry. Let’s go get ice cream.” This is an example of using sweets or treats to soothe without really addressing what happened. It might make your child feel better in the moment, but it doesn’t actually repair the rupture. You can’t rush real repair.

Dr. Sarah also points out that there is a before, during, and after to any incident. The “during” is NOT the time for repair. You both need a chance to cool off, especially as your kids get older and stuff gets bigger and messier. You can’t truly repair if you’re still in fight or flight. It’s okay to say, “I hear you. I still need a minute.” 

It can sometimes be a long time after a rupture before you’re both truly ready for repair. There is a trust piece here in knowing that you don’t have to force the repair right away because you know you’ll get there when you’re both ready. 

You can trust the strength of your child’s desire to be in connection with you. Because they do want that (yes, even teens). They want a relationship with you. They want repair. 

 

One Skill to Improve Attachment

Research has shown that there is a 70% prediction rate of what a child’s attachment style will be in the 12-18 months of life based on their parent’s attachment style. 

The biggest indicator in the 30% of insecurely attached parents who had secure children is the parent’s capacity for reflective functioning - basically the ability to pay attention to and be curious about what’s going on internally. 

Dr. Sarah says this is so cool because not only does it mean that we’re not doomed to repeat the past, reflective functioning is just a skill. It’s something you can learn and get better at. 

She explains, “that ability to be curious softens us. It allows us to build that safety in our relationship, that ability to make mistakes and come back together…this curiosity is the most impactful thing we can do to create healthy, secure relationships” within our families and beyond.

Here are 3 steps to get you started:

1. Notice when you have a strong reaction to something. 
2. Get curious about what you’re feeling. What are you making this situation mean?
3. Get curious about the other person’s internal experience. What might they have been thinking or feeling? 

Dr. Sarah also advises that we look for the most generous interpretation - for ourselves and our kids. 

 

Securely Attached Starts With How You Treat Yourself

If you’re coming into this with a blueprint that isn’t very secure, you have to make some edits before you can fix the one you have with your child. 

When you look at why you are doing or feeling a certain thing…

→ How do you talk to yourself?

→ Are you giving yourself the benefit of the doubt?

→ Are you being curious? 

→ Are you being nonjudgmental? 

→ Are you having compassion? 

Dr. Sarah tells us that when we can do these things with ourselves, it makes it a lot easier to do it with our kids. 

 

The takeaway? It’s never too late to improve your attachment with your child, and it’s not as delicate as you think. 

Take care of yourself, find your calm, connect with your child, and repair when you mess up. Be generous and give yourself and your kid plenty of grace.

Connect with Dr. Sarah:

• Learn more about Dr. Bren and her work at http://drsarahbren.com/ 
• Get the free guide on the Four Pillars of Attachment
• Listen to the Securely Attached Podcast 
• Follow along on Instagram @drsarahbren 

Resources:

• Episode 157: Practicing Attunement to Create Emotional Health
• Episode 158: Guilt & Self-Forgiveness (Repair pt. 1)
• Episode 159: Saying “I’m Sorry” (Repair pt. 2)
• Episode 97: Your Nervous System Explained (including how to strengthen your parasympathetic nervous system)
• Episode 23: When You Lose Your Temper
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. and Mary Hartzell

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

When my kids were little, I came up with a routine that I called “The 5 Things”. Basically, I decided on five things that my kids needed to do before school every morning - the non-negotiables. Today, you’ll learn how to create and follow through on your own morning and bedtime routines. 

You’ll Learn:

• What The 5 Things are and how to use this tool to create simple routines for your kids
• Why The 5 Things helps kids think for themselves
• How to adapt the tool to bedtime or other routines in your family

Barking orders, reminding over and over, and rushing kids does not set you up for a good morning or the gentle handoff we want. The 5 Things is a way to create a simple routine kids can remember and complete on their own (with a little practice, of course).

----------------------------------------

What Are The 5 Things?

In our house, The 5 Things were:

1. Get dressed
2. Brush your teeth
3. Eat breakfast
4. Get your lunchbox and backpack
5. Put on your socks and shoes

About five minutes before it was time to leave, I would stand at the door, look them in the eyeballs, and say, “Okay, it’s time to leave. Have you done your five things?”

If they hadn’t done them all yet or if they looked at me with a confused, blank stare, I’d try to coach them through in a way that required them to do their own thinking. 

You can just hold out your 5 fingers and help them go through and tick them down together. 

I LOVE this video from @sprinkleinlearning showing a similar morning routine in action.

Choosing Your 5 Things

Your 5 Things don’t have to be exactly the same as mine. 

In the video, you’ll see that the little girl is already dressed, and her 5 Things are backpack, water, lunch, shoes, and jacket. 

There are a few areas here where I have some thoughts…

Water bottles - I never really cared about my kids taking a water bottle to school. They were welcome to fill up a bottle and put it in their backpack anytime, but it wasn’t something I was going to manage for them. 

Breakfast - There are lots of differing opinions about eating breakfast in the morning. In our house, I always had breakfast available for a certain period of time (e.g. 7:00-7:40 am). This allowed me to have things cleaned up and put away before we had to leave for school. 

I deeply believe that a hungry belly is the best teacher when you want kids to learn to eat right. Their brain will start to connect the dots of, “I was hungry today, and it didn’t feel good. So I’m going to eat my breakfast tomorrow.”

Most young kids also end up having some kind of snack early in the day, so they likely won’t be hungry for long. If you’re really concerned about your kid eating because they need to take medication that requires food, etc., you can have a granola bar or smoothie set up that they can eat in the car. 

Jackets - If you live somewhere with cold weather, and your child needs a jacket, don’t overthink it. It can get clumped in with putting on socks and shoes. Often my kids would come home with their sweatshirts in their backpacks (we live in California, so not a lot of cold weather), so I would have them keep the sweatshirt near the backpack so it was ready to go the next day.

Why The 5 Things Works

The biggest thing I like about The 5 Things is that it requires kids to do their own thinking. They have to memorize what is required of them in order to go to school. 

It will take some time for kids to internalize this. What I love so much about the video with the lights (you could also use a checklist or other tool) is that it starts to build muscle memory for your child. 

The body loves routine and rhythm. It loves predictability and doing the same thing every day. So the more you can create these consistent routines, the easier it is for your kids. 

Managing Time & Behavior in the Mornings

When in doubt, give yourself extra time. 

Think about things like how long it takes your kids to eat and do their other morning things and how much time you need to clean up breakfast. 

I always built in 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave to put on socks and shoes and deal with last-minute needs like:

• Finishing up their 5 Things
• Going to the bathroom
• Dealing with spills, the dog, etc.
• Answering an unexpected phone call

Give yourself a cushion so that you don’t feel stressed. This is essential to the gentle handoff. 

If a kid creates a big problem in the morning, and you don’t leave on time, delay the consequence, but let them experience the negative impact of their behavior later on. 

For example, after school you might say, “We left 7 minutes late today because of what happened this morning. That 7 minutes is time that I would normally be taking care of myself or the family. So here are 3 things you can do to repair that time back to me.”

You don’t need to yell or threaten when things go wrong in the morning. We don’t want kids to comply because they're afraid. We want them to comply and listen to you because they know it's in their best interest to do that. They figure out that when they have a peaceful, easy morning and get out the door on time, that means they get to have a peaceful, easy afternoon.

Things for Bedtime

We also had The 3 Things for bedtime. Those 3 Things were put on pajamas, brush teeth, and go to the bathroom. 

I would say, “I’m happy to read books to you as long as you do your 3 Things before the timer goes off.” Then, try not to hover. No rescuing. 

The first few times, they might not get their things done before the timer goes off. That’s okay. When they’re first learning, you can adjust the limit. Maybe you tell them you’ll still read one book if they do their things in the next three minutes. You can even make a game of it.

If that still doesn’t work, stay calm and keep them moving. Say, “This is the time to put your pajamas on. Are you doing it, or am I doing it?” 

If you stick with it, they’ll sense that you’re serious. Especially if the next day they ask to go the park and you say, “ Oh, no, we can't do that today. Because last night bedtime went 30 minutes late. So that was 30 minutes that I didn't get to do my chores. We have 30 minutes of chores to do at home. We'll see if we can do something fun after that.”

Your kids will fail sometimes. But after you communicate and follow through with consequences a few times, they will learn what is required of them. Creating and communicating these simple routines, teaching them, and holding your kids accountable will make your life so much easier. 

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 190 - Make Mornings Better with the Gentle Handoff
• Episode 191 - Eyeballs [Make Afternoons Easier]

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

This one simple practice that I call “Eyeballs” can make your afternoons easier and add powerful connection to anytime you reunite with your child. It only takes a few seconds and very little effort, but I know it will make a huge difference in your home.

You’ll Learn:

• What the Eyeballs tool is and how to use it (it’s gonna change your life!)
• Why connection doesn’t have to be complicated
• My favorite phrase for reuniting with my kids

I love this so much because your child wants to be seen by you. They desperately want to feel loved, accepted, and safe. And they get this from you when you simply take a moment to acknowledge them and say hello.

--------------------------------------------------

Moments of Reunion Matter

A moment of reunion can happen anytime you’ve been apart from your child. Maybe it’s first thing in the morning, when they get home from school, or after a sporting event or play date. 

When you are truly present in moments of reunion, it sets up the rest of your time together in a way that feels connected and calming. 

It feels good to be greeted warmly. Think about when you walk up to a hostess in a restaurant or check in for an appointment. How much nicer is it when they make eye contact, smile, and welcome you? It makes you feel lighter, more compliant, and you probably smile back. 

This is the kind of moment you’re trying to create with your kid. 

Especially at the end of the school day, kids are really tired. They’re waiting for that moment when they can relax and decompress. It’s time for them to take a deep exhale, and they want you to be a part of it. 

 

How To Do Eyeballs

Eyeballs is all about connection. 

I call this strategy Eyeballs because I think it’s funny 😆. But it’s also more than just eye contact. It’s looking into your kid’s eyes and looking past the surface, a little bit deeper. 

In fact, one of the biggest reasons I love looking into my kids’ eyes is because it makes me remember that I like them. I remember who they really are at their core and all the things that are great about them.

 

Here’s how to do it:

Pause what you’re doing. Even if you’re talking to another mom at school pickup, say, “Hey, I’m going to greet my kid real quick.” If you’re folding laundry or doing other chores when your child comes through the door, put it down. 

Look your child in the eyes and actually look at them. Notice who they are. If you have little kids, squat down to eye level. This can be harder if you have to go through a carpool lane (which often feels so hectic), but it only takes a second to turn around and look at your child while they’re buckling their seat belt. 

Greet them with a smile. Say something like, “Hi, I missed you,” “I’ve been thinking about you,” “I’m so glad you’re here,” or “I can’t wait to hear about your day.”

 

Wait to get into transactional conversation like homework, water bottles, afternoon activity plans, etc. until after you’ve done this Eyeball reunion. 

 

Why It Works

If you show up in the school carpool line and you're still on the phone and you are distracted and you're stressed out about dinner, it’s really difficult for you kid. No judgment - we’ve all been there!

Kids need a chance to reset their nervous system after school and connect back to home life. They need a little bit of a transition. If your child doesn’t get that reset and is dysregulated, you’re going to see more misbehavior, complaining, arguing, sibling fights, etc.

But when you do that little bit of connection with your kid, they tend to not need to get attention from you through misbehavior or hitting their brother or fighting with their sister or complaining about everything that happened at school today.

A lot of times, if you do Eyeballs, your whole afternoon is set up in a much more regulated way. 

When you make it a habit and do it often enough, you’ll create a loving, peaceful, connected environment, and your kids will follow that. It becomes the way your family greets each other.

I hope you’ll try Eyeballs this week, Mama. Try it next time you see your kid and see what happens! Let your child know, “Hey, I see you, and I’m glad you’re here.”

 Previous Episodes:

• Episode 190 - Make Mornings Better with the Gentle Handoff
• Episode 87 - The 3 Rs of Emotional Regulation

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

In today’s short and sweet episode, I’m giving you two simple strategies for better mornings (which I know you can use now that school is back in session!). 

You’ll Learn:

• The most important thing about mornings
• How to make a gentle handoff to school, daycare, or camp
• What to do first when you see your kid in the morning
• How to get back on track after a rough moment

I show you how to help your kids get physically and emotionally ready for their day.

----------------------------------------------

When I think about a kid getting ready for school in the morning, I imagine that they are armoring up. No matter how great their school is or how much they love their teacher and their friends, school is stressful for kids. 

They have to think, listen, and deal with other kids (and their behaviors). They have to do things on a schedule that isn’t always the way they want it, and there are a lot of expectations on them. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a lot of work for them.

So we want to help facilitate and support them as they get physically and emotionally ready for their day.

 

Strategy #1: The Gentle Handoff

The “handoff” is that moment when you drop your child off at school, daycare, camp, wherever they’re going for the day. 

From the time my kids were young up to this very day, my goal when I’m dropping them off anywhere is to deliver the most emotionally regulated human being that I can to that activity. 

That means that I have created an environment for my kids that is emotionally regulated. We’re not in chaotic, frantic, stressed energy. 

…Which means I have to be in my calm energy. 

Here are some ways to work toward a gentle handoff. 

 

Prioritize Emotional Regulation

Our kids borrow our energy. So whatever energy you’re in (chaotic or calm) will transfer to your child. 

The key to prioritizing your emotional regulation and your kid’s emotional regulation is to start your day gently.

Some simple ways to do this are:

• Spend a few minutes silently breathing when you wake up
• Stretch your body
• Make a cup of coffee or tea
• Delay checking email, social media, or the news if these are likely to stress you out

 

Delay

If possible, delay the other non-kid stuff until after dropoff. If messages, problems, or stress come up, tell yourself, “I’m going to have to deal with this. But I’m going to deal with it later, because my goal is to deliver the most emotionally regulated person I can to school today.”

 

Know Your Cues

We all have cues that we’re getting dysregulated. When you know what yours are, you can pause before things get too far off.

Some of the clues I see when I’m getting dysregulated are:

• Talking a lot
• Barking commands
• Getting quiet and just barreling through, trying to do everything on my own
• Physical tension or sensations in my chest and belly (these signs tend to come later)

Yelling is also a good indicator that you’re dysregulated. Because if you’re yelling, you’re not calm. Period. 

If you have a rough moment or yell at your kid. see if you can do a little repair on the way to school or while you’re waiting for the bus. You may not be ready to take full accountability, but just recognizing that you lost your cool will help. 

Try saying something like, “Whoa, sorry. That was a rough morning. I got out of control of my emotions a little. We’re going to do better tomorrow.”

 

Say Goodbye

I know this isn’t always possible, but when it is, little kids really benefit from having you park and walk them toward the school. It slows things down and lets their body and brain catch up with what’s happening. 

And it gives you one more chance for connection. A little squeeze and an “I love you.”

Even when dropping off in the carpool lane, make sure to say a goodbye, let them know you love them, and want to hear all about their day later.

 

Strategy #2: Eyeballs

Eyeballs is about the reunion - when you and your kid come back together after being apart. This includes when you see them for the first time in the morning. 

Eyeballs is pretty much what it sounds like - look your child in the eyes, smile, and greet them. 

Kids often feel invisible. They feel like we forgot them or we don’t care about them. Your child is longing for connection with you (yes, even middle schoolers and teens). So, it can be really powerful just to make eye contact and say, “Good morning, I missed you,” or “Hi, how did you sleep?”

This connection and engagement is what makes the gentle handoff work. 

 

Handling Morning Misbehavior

Using these strategies does not mean your child will never misbehave in the morning. And the goal of emotional regulation does not mean that discipline goes out the window. You just want to be intentional with how you do it.

This isn’t the time to let frustration take over, dump all your feelings onto your kid, and bring up ALL the behaviors. 

Instead, use a strong voice and say something like, “This morning is not going well, and we’re going to talk about this. But right now, it’s time to get socks and shoes on.”

Be firm and let your child know that the behavior is not working. But then delay - delay the conversation and the consequence. If you get into correction, it’s not going to set your morning up for success. It will only create more chaos, frustration, and dysregulation. 

 

You won’t be perfect at this. That’s okay. Especially at the beginning of the school year, things will be forgotten, big feelings come up. It’s a big transition. And it’s a good time to say, “Yep, we’re all learning. We’re figuring it out. No problem.”

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

If you’ve ever known anyone who’s going through a divorce, if you’re considering divorce yourself, or are in the early stages of making that decision, this episode on surviving divorce is for you. 

My guest today is Certified Divorce Coach® Laila Aitken Ali. Laila is known as the Split Coach, and she helps people (especially parents) to restructure their lives and relationships post-breakup so they don't get stuck in old dynamics and reactive patterns.

You’ll Learn:

• The first thing to focus on when you learn or decide that you’re getting a divorce (it’s probably not what you think)
• How to create clear boundaries and effective communication with your co-parent
• The powerful word Laila likes to use when talking to kids about the end of a marriage
• Why you are all your child needs to thrive post-divorce

We’re talking all about how to take care of yourself and frame the situation for your kids, as well as support people in your life who are dealing with separation and divorce.

-------------------------------------

Laila is also the co-founder of Split.fyi, a digital platform and supportive community helping people move through divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions with clarity, confidence, and strategy. 

Laila’s work is deeply personal. She went through her own divorce while pregnant, and that raw, life-altering experience pushed her to build the very kind of support she wished she had - one rooted in emotional truth, practical tools, and human connection. That journey shaped her mission: to help others navigate the emotional chaos of separation while creating structure, strategy, and a new sense of self along the way.

She’s known for her warm, no-BS approach and her fierce belief that breakdowns can become powerful turning points - which you know I love!

 

The First Steps

When a marriage ends—especially when kids are involved—the experience can be deeply overwhelming, emotional, and disorienting. If you're facing the start of a divorce, whether the decision was yours or not, it’s easy to get swept up in shock, fear, and a rush to fix everything right now.

Laila describes it as feeling completely “sideswiped”. One moment you think you know your life’s direction. The next you’re questioning everything, from how you’ll manage parenting alone to where you’ll live and how you’ll support yourself.

The key takeaway in these first days? 

Press pause on “doing” and prioritize your own wellbeing. Yes, your kid is always first and foremost. But sometimes, that looks like doing what’s best for you so that you can show up for them.

Laila says, “You have to think about things in all aspects. But you can’t think about them all at once.” The first thing you should deal with is not money, not custody arrangements - it’s your wellbeing. The divorce process moves slowly, and you actually have a lot of time. 

Because when you are in fight-or-flight mode, you’re not able to make clear, healthy decisions. You’ve got to deal with the thoughts and feelings that are coming up, like blaming the other person, thinking that you’ve failed, feeling angry, sad, or afraid.

Just like grieving people are advised to avoid major life moves in the immediate aftermath, with divorce, there’s wisdom in allowing yourself some breathing room instead of forcing immediate, big decisions.

This is when you give yourself lots of grace and permission to focus on just being okay. 

And don’t personalize. It’s normal for one or both people in a divorce situation to be hurt and grieving. And hurt people often hurt people. 

When your ex is pushing against your boundaries, calling you names, etc. you don’t have to take it personally. It doesn’t actually mean anything about you. That is their own pain, anger, and frustration coming out.

This concept is important for kids, too. Things get really scary when they start thinking that this is their problem, or they’re the reason for it, or this is their story from now on. Reassure them that it really has nothing to do with them. You are two adults that are in a relationship, and that relationship is changing. 

 

Surviving Divorce with Kids

Laila shared 4 main areas to focus on as you’re navigating the early stages of separation and divorce.

Anchor yourself for your kids. For parents, one of the greatest sources of pain and anxiety can be wondering, “Are my kids going to be okay?” This fear is normal—divorce isn’t what anyone planned for their family. But Laila reassures us that kids can and do thrive after divorce, especially when one calm ‘anchor’ parent shows up with empathy and steadiness.

Your children don’t need you to be perfect—but they do need you to model that, even in hard times, things will be okay. 

Validate their emotions, allow their grief or confusion, but don’t fall apart with them. You can say,

“This is hard, but I know we will get through it. We’re going to be okay.”

I say it all the time: Kids only need one loving, emotionally supportive adult, not two perfect parents, to develop resilience and emotional smarts.

Go for the low-hanging fruit. When everything feels overwhelming, momentum can come from the smallest places. Would something simple (not jumping straight into finances or custody battles) help you feel just a bit more in control? Choose one manageable action and let that build your confidence.

One of those first steps might be as simple as setting boundaries. 

Set clear boundaries. Often, especially if your marriage struggled with boundaries, setting new ones feels uncomfortable. But now is the time to start—and to do it with kindness and clarity. 

For example, if your soon-to-be ex is texting you at all hours, Laila suggests a simple boundary like, “I won’t be available by phone, but I’ll respond to texts within 24 hours unless it’s an emergency.”

Holding your boundaries also sets you up as a leader in your family (even when you have to fake it). You are taking control of your role and how you want to communicate. 

Stick to your limits, expect some pushback, and remember that boundaries are about your behavior, not controlling the other person.

Communicate honestly and effectively. Laila says, “the only thing that actually gets you through all of those things is learning how to communicate in an effective way.” 

The idea that communication is the most important thing is a really hard concept for people, since many marriages end because of communication issues. So, you have to change the way you’re doing it. 

It may not always be amicable, but it can still be effective. You can make sure that, no matter what is going on, your side of the street is clean. You are communicative. You are setting boundaries. You are doing the right thing for your kid. 

 

Co-Parenting Tips

Divorce isn’t the end of the relationship. Especially when you’re raising children together, we have to start looking at divorce as a change in the contract. A change in the way the relationship will look moving forward. 

When you communicate with each other from this more neutral place (instead of listing the 15 reasons you’re leaving your partner and making them feel shitty about it), you can work through it more amicably - and spend way less money. Here are a few strategies that will help.

Put yourself in their shoes. You know that the pain they’re feeling is real. Try to find compassion for the other person and understand where they’re coming from.

Stay in the present. It’s easy to worry about all the things that might happen when your kids are spending time with the other parent (especially when they parent differently than you do). You might not agree with the way they do things, but it hasn’t even happened yet. No one has even had the chance to parent on their own. 

Let go of control. Laila explains that there’s almost always a dynamic where one person doesn’t feel as adequate as the other in the parenting role. So there’s a parent (often a male) who feels like the underdog in the situation. 

If you amplify that with a lack of trust and fear over how things are going to go, you keep them in that role. She says that “the anxiety of it all really creates a narrative, a story, and an energy is detrimental to the whole divorce process.”

It’s actually good for kids to have parents with different approaches. For example, if one is more nurturing and one pushes them a bit more. And in most cases, it’s more important for your kid to have a parent than to have the perfect parent (which we know doesn’t exist anyway).

A phrase that can be helpful when you’re trying to loosen up on control a little bit is saying, “Well, that’s what it’s like at Dad’s house,” or “That’s what it’s like at Mom’s house.” 

When you’re in what Laila calls “the messy middle,” it’s important to recognize that you’re not yet at the stage of figuring out how it all works. You’re in the triage stage during those first few months. You’re handling things as they come, and whatever you do right now isn’t necessarily the way things will look a year from now, especially when it comes to parenting. 

It’s also time to give yourself a little credit. We are all so hard on ourselves. Laila says that something she really challenges her clients with is recognizing what they’re good at or things they’re proud of themselves for. 

Take a breath, Mama. You’ve got this. And if you need resources, support, or just to know “my kids are going to be okay”—make sure to check out the links for Laila’s coaching and group programs, and tune in to this week’s episode for even more guidance.

Connect with Laila Aitken Ali:

• Learn more about Laila's work and upcoming events at https://splitfyi.com/
• Follow along on Instagram @thesplitcoach or @splitfyi
• Check out Laila's YouTube channel
• Follow Split.fyi on TikTok

Resources:

• Episode 118: Being On the Same Page (a great episode on co-parenting!)
• Episode 119: Being On the Same Page (part 2)

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re continuing our conversation from last week about The Drama Triangle. This week, we’re diving deeper into a healthier model, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). 

You’ll Learn:

• Unhelpful stories that you might be telling yourself right now
• How our thoughts and beliefs become our reality (and how to use this to your advantage)
• Questions to ask yourself to determine which roles you fall into most
• How to shift yourself and your family from drama to empowerment
• Which roles I default to most and why

In this episode, you’ll learn HOW to actually switch roles and shift into this healthier dynamic. This is one of those episodes where you may want to grab your journal, answer some questions, and work through where these roles are showing up in your own family. 

----------------------------------------

In The Empowerment Dynamic, the roles shift from…

Victim → Creator

Persecutor → Challenger

Rescuer → Coach

Shifting Into The Empowerment Dynamic

We all take on different roles at different times. It’s normal to switch between them (even within a short period of time). But my guess is that there are a couple that you do most often. The challenge for you is to figure out how you act and why.

 

Victim → Creator

Becoming a Creator is about getting creative with how you want to respond to life’s challenges. It is inevitable that we will all experience sadness, pain, and misfortune. But you get to choose the way you look at and respond to these obstacles when they arise.

The Victim has a “poor me” mindset. They don't really believe in their own power. They don't take responsibility for the circumstances that they find themselves in. They feel very helpless and trapped, doubt their own capabilities, and look to others to solve their problems for them.

You can see how it would be easy for our kids to fall into this role. They’re young, and little, and they do need our help. But there are ways to provide that help and guidance without being a helicopter parent or bulldozing a smooth road for them (which does nothing to help their self-confidence).

If you think you or your child might be in a victim mindset, ask:

• Do you feel helpless?
• Do you feel like you have power here? Like you can do something about this situation?

In the Empowerment Dynamic, we want to shift from the role of Victim into the role of Creator. This shift develops resilience and confidence.

The Creator wants to create and be their best self. A creator thinks things like, “I'm good enough. I get to choose how to respond to my life,” and, “I am capable. I have the ability to take care of myself,” and, “I can trust myself. I know that I am worthy of trust.”

You can help your child make this shift to believing in their abilities by affirming that:

• I know you are strong.
• I believe in your ability to figure this out.
• This is hard right now, but I know you’re going to be okay.

Don’t bypass the feelings. Validate their emotion, show your support, and ask, “What do you want to do now? How do you want to handle this?”

If you are in a victim mindset yourself, think about how you can get what you want in a healthy way. Think about times in the past when you have overcome challenges and feel gratitude for your strength in those moments.

 

Persecutor → Challenger

The shift from viewing someone as a Persecutor requires you to look at them from a more neutral place. Rather than seeing them as “the bad guy”, you see the circumstance as a challenge that you can overcome.

And if you are showing up as a Persecutor, this shift has a lot to do with accountability. Rather than judging and blaming others, you have to be willing to look at where you can challenge yourself to improve. 

The Persecutor operates from the thought of, “They did something wrong.” They often show up as aggressive, judgmental, the bully. They blame or belittle others, they demand things. They may be spiteful or scornful. The Persecutor doesn’t want to take personal responsibility, so they respond with criticism rather than compassion. 

If you aren’t sure if you’re in the Persecutor role, ask yourself, “Am I blaming someone?”

The Challenger is still assertive, but it has more of a leadership energy behind it. Challengers encourage themselves and others to step up and grow so that they become the best person they can be. 

Where a Persecutor has a lot of guards up, a Challenger is confident that they know what needs to happen, while also recognizing their own shortcomings.

Challengers believe that:

• Every person is going to make mistakes, and that’s okay.
• We can overcome our mistakes.
• We are meant to learn and grow.

As a parent, you might become your child’s Persecutor when you feel like they need to see that they’re wrong - something is their fault, and they need to take responsibility. You might want to criticize, shame, or punish in order to change the child’s behavior. 

As a Challenger, you would step up as the leader of your family. Set firm boundaries and look at the behavior as a skill gap - not something that is wrong with your kid. You take responsibility for your own actions and the way you communicate with others.

There are a few keys to making this shift:

• Build trust with others - Ask questions, seek help, and show your own vulnerability.
• Get curious - Try to step into the other person’s shoes and wonder, “Why are they behaving this way?” 
• Slow down - The Persecutor is quick to react. When we slow down, we can pause, listen a little bit more, have a little more tenderness, and move out of that Persecutor role.

Self regulation is really important here, as is the ability to be clear about your expectations, boundaries, and limits. If you’re feeling angry, it’s usually a clue that you didn’t set up a good limit.

 

Rescuer → Coach

As parents, our goal is ultimately to work ourselves out of a job. We want to teach our kids enough skills that they eventually don’t need us anymore. In order to do this, we need to let them practice solving their own problems.

The Rescuer’s main thought is, “Let me help you.” In parenting, rescuing looks like being permissive, overly helpful, or intervening or meddling in their relationships with siblings or your co-parent. You’re trying to prevent pain or fix problems for your child.

Further, if you need to be needed by your kid, then you’re going to end up keeping them in a Victimized role so that you can rescue them. You view them as helpless and needing to be saved. This is not healthy for either of you.

The question to ask yourself here is, “Am I trying to save someone?”

In order to shift to the role of Coach, you must step into the belief that the person you’re rescuing already has innate wisdom to solve their own problems. 

The Coach believes that we all have good ideas inside of us. Their job is to empower the other person to create the life that they want. 

When you have this belief, you can begin to listen and ask questions to guide your child. Try questions like:

• What do you think about that?
• What do you think would be the ideal solution?
• If you could wave a magic wand, what would you do?

Then, communicate, “I care about you, and I know you are capable.” You’re listening, not solving. You’re empowering the people in your life by giving them the confidence that they can handle it, they can do it for themselves.

You can also use these messages on yourself when you are in Victim mode and feel like you need rescuing. Remind yourself that you are capable, and you have all the wisdom you need to solve your problem.

 

When you repeat the same thoughts and beliefs over and over to yourself, they start to come true. Why? Because you look for evidence, you find it, and it reinforces that belief. When you’re stuck in the Drama Triangle, you see and experience more negative circumstances because you are actively seeking them out.

Instead of using this against ourselves, we can use The Empowerment Dynamic to strengthen our confidence and belief in ourselves. When you look for the positive, look for proof that you can handle hard things and come out the other side, you’ll find more positivity and strength. 

 

Resources:

• Episode 187: The Drama Triangle 
• The Power of TED by David Emerald
• Episode 4: Setting Limits That Work
• Episode 41: Boundaries & Limits

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today, we’re digging into the concept of the Drama Triangle (which you can probably guess is something you don’t want to be stuck in). I’m talking all about what the Drama Triangle is and how it shows up in parenting.

You’ll Learn:

• What the Drama Triangle is and why you don’t want to get stuck there
• Examples of how the Drama Triangle shows up in families
• A new model to help you shift out of the drama and into empowerment
• My own experience of being stuck in the Drama Triangle

Let’s get you and your family out of drama and into a place of empowerment and resilience.

------------------------------------------------

What Is the Drama Triangle?

The Karpman Drama Triangle (named after psychologist Stephen Karpman) describes how we often adopt one of three unhealthy roles when attempting to resolve conflict: 

1. The Victim feels powerless and wronged—“Someone’s hurting me and I need help!”
2. The Persecutor is the “bad guy”—the one blamed for being harsh, critical, or causing pain.
3. The Rescuer swoops in to “save” the Victim from the Persecutor, solving everyone’s problem—but often at their own expense.

Overall, the Drama Triangle is maladaptive - meaning that these roles are not actually helpful for conflict resolution or family dynamics. 

 

How the Drama Triangle Shows Up at Home

Maybe your oldest is always “the troublemaker” (Persecutor), your youngest is constantly “getting picked on” (Victim), and you’re forever running interference (Rescuer). 

Or maybe, after a particularly tough bedtime, you feel like the Victim—powerless over your child’s tantrums—and wish your partner would “rescue” you by stepping in.

Over time, these patterns teach our kids to rely on others to solve their problems, or—worse—internalize harmful labels as “the bad one” or “the helpless one.” And as moms, we sacrifice our own needs for peace that never really lasts.

Here’s the tough truth. When we fall into these roles, nobody wins.

 

Victim

If a child (or anyone, for that matter) is repeatedly put into the Victim role, we take away their belief that they can solve their own problems. We let them think that they are helpless and that they are trapped and that they cannot do for themselves. They look to their Rescuer to solve problems for them, which is a really disempowering place to be. 

 

Persecutor

A Persecutor often blames others for their actions. Instead of responding to problems with helpful behavior, they often respond with judgment and criticism.

When we remember that feelings drive behavior, we can see that the Persecutor is the one who is actually in pain. The one who needs support. But we often don’t give that support to the Persecutor. We go to the Victim instead. So the Persecutor stays stuck in that pain and that role. They start to feel like the “bad kid”. 

This is common with older siblings, aggressive kids, kids with ADHD or neurodivergence, and parents who aren't emotionally regulated. And because they are treated like the problem, they feel very isolated and disconnected. They’re trying to get control by putting someone else down, but that isn’t really empowerment. And it doesn’t make them feel good.

 

Rescuer

The Rescuer is doing the Victim’s dirty work. A lot of moms find themselves in this role, and it ultimately creates a codependent dynamic where everybody's turning to you, and now you're the rescuer of everybody and you have to solve all the problems and fix everybody's issues all the time. It’s exhausting, and it leads to resentment.

Plus, by rescuing our kids, we deny them the opportunity to learn how to advocate for themselves. You find yourselves in the same situations over and over because you haven’t actually given them the skills and opportunities to problem solve and take care of themselves. 

 

And here’s another twist: You might cycle through all three roles in a single afternoon! Maybe you start comparing yourself to others and saying, “My kids are so poorly behaved,” or, “I can’t keep my house looking organized and tidy.” You become your own Persecutor and put yourself in a Victim position. Then, you might rescue yourself by bingeing a TV show, scrolling on your phone, or eating a bunch of junk food. Yep—that’s the inner Drama Triangle!

 

The Way Out: The Empowerment Dynamic

Here’s the good news: You don’t have to stay stuck. In his book, The Power of TED, David Emerald reimagined the Drama Triangle as The Empowerment Dynamic, where each dysfunctional role is transformed:

• Victim → Creator
• Persecutor → Challenger/Challenge
• Rescuer → Coach

Here are a few of my favorite strategies to get yourself out of the Drama Triangle and into Empowerment.

 

Awareness is Everything

You can’t change what you don’t notice. Pause and move yourself into the center of the triangle, where you become an observer. Observe yourself. Observe your kids. Become aware of the dynamic that's happening. When are each of you stepping into the different roles of the Drama Triangle?

Spend time in meditation, journaling, walking, stretching…just being in your own thoughts. The work here is all about getting in touch with yourself and becoming a compassionate witness of your own behavior and the role you're playing. 

I can’t tell you how many years I spent as the Rescuer in my own family, especially between my husband and my son. I thought I was protecting my child, but actually, I was denying both my husband and son the opportunity to build a real, resilient relationship. My “good intentions” actually undermined the growth of everyone involved. And recognizing that—though painful—was my first step out of the Drama Triangle.

 

Seeing Challenges as Neutral

One of the most powerful tools is to depersonalize the Persecutor. Instead of seeing your partner or child as out to get you, reframe it: “This is a challenge in my life. What can I do about it?” This perspective gives you back your agency.

 

Coaching, Not Fixing

We want our kids to be able to solve problems for themselves. You don’t have to let go of feeling needed by your child and your family. Your role simply shifts from Rescuer to Coach. 

When an issue comes up, you can coach them through it - help them put words to what’s happening and show them how they can take responsibility and have conversations to solve the problem. You help them build up their belief in themselves that they can handle challenges and obstacles. 

 

I played the Rescuer in my family for a long time. And I’ve also felt like a Victim for much of my life. It has taken years of work for me to get to a place where I’m not always on guard, vigilant and ready for a Persecutor. I’ve learned that I don’t have to view myself as in danger and disempowered. I can actually see myself as the creator of my own reality and have trust that when challenges come up, I have it within me to deal with them. 

The Drama Triangle robs us—and our families—of true empowerment. But when we shift into the Empowerment Dynamic, we teach resilience, problem-solving, and authentic connection.

You are not powerless, mama. You, too, are a creator. Your kids are creators. Let’s commit to stepping out of the Drama Triangle—one empowered choice at a time.

 

Resources:

• Episode 161: Part 1 of the How To Heal series
• Episode 183: Part 1 of the Internal Family Systems series
• The Fix It/Fuck It Cycle [Confessions]
• Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause Break
• The Power of TED by David Emerald

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

This encore episode about the back to school shit show is one I come back to over and over again - because it’s something parents struggle with every. single. year.

The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. Kids suddenly have to wake up early, get themselves ready and out the door (on time). And it’s a transition for you too as you settle everyone into a new routine. 

You’ll Learn:

• 5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle them
• Why you don’t need to start in with your school year routines just yet
• Thoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transition
• What your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school year
• An exercise to help you prepare your mindset

There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. 

-------------------------------------------

In this fan-favorite episode, I’m talking about 5 things you need to know as school starts and how to create the right mindset going into the next couple of weeks so that you can be compassionate with your kids (and so you don't lose your mind).

I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening. 

 

Why is Back To School Such a Shit Show?

For your kid, going back to school is kinda like going back to work. And it comes with a lot of thoughts, feelings, excitement, and nerves. This can show up in a lot of different ways. Here are 5 of the ones I see most in the families I work with.

1. Your kid may not like their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.
2. Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.
3. Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing.  
4. Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort.
5. Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more big feelings cycles are likely to happen. 

Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly. 

 

Your Back To School Mindset Shifts

Feeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).

• This is a transition. You can also add… and transitions are temporary. 
• It will take time to figure out our rhythm and routine. These first couple weeks are a time of curiosity and exploration. What feels difficult? Where’s the friction? What’s working well?
• I have plenty of time. As you’re figuring out your routines, it might take longer to get out the door in the morning. Dropoff and pickup lines might be long and slow. Give yourself time and permission to figure it out.
• I don’t have to be perfect today. If you’re stressed because you’re trying to reach an unreasonable “perfect mom” standard, you’ll put pressure on your kids and they will feel it - which leads to acting out and big feelings. 
• My kids are 100% going to master the back to school routine. There’s no timeline here. It will take as long as it takes, but they will get there.

Take a few moments to write out a list of thoughts that you want to be thinking during the first week of school. Feel free to borrow mine or come up with your own. 

I also want to leave you with the idea that your job is to deliver the calmest, most emotionally regulated kid you can to school in the morning. I call this a gentle handoff. 

In order to do this, you need to be calm yourself and have realistic expectations for the morning. Your stress is contagious. But so is your positive thinking and calm. It’s okay if you’re a little bit late. It’s okay if someone forgets their lunchbox or has a meltdown before school.

You are the leader in your home, in both mindset and operations. Transitions are temporary, and your family WILL figure this out. 

Wishing you great back to school vibes, Mama!

 Free Resources:

• Episode 80: Back To School Checklist
• Episode 82: Simplifying Your Life
• Episode 30: Make Mornings Easier
• Easy Mornings With Kids: The Ultimate Morning Routine Roadmap

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes