What if your relationship does not actually have a communication problem? What if the real problem is that both of you are exhausted, overloaded, defensive, disconnected and living in survival mode?
In the first episode of Season 2 of Before It Breaks, Gabriella Pomare sits down with New York City clinical psychologist, speaker, consultant and author of When Life Happens, Dr Rachel Goldman, for a powerful conversation about what happens when stress becomes the third person in the relationship.
This episode explores the quiet space before a relationship breaks. The space where people are still functioning, still parenting, still working, still organising, still showing up on the outside, but inside they are depleted. Their nervous system is overloaded. Their patience is gone. Their confidence is low. Their body is tense. Their thoughts are harsh. Their self-trust is shaky. And eventually, the relationship starts absorbing all of it.
Gabriella and Dr Rachel talk about why many couples say they “cannot communicate” when the deeper issue may be that they are too emotionally charged, too stressed or too burnt out to access the communication skills they actually have.
They discuss why timing matters when it comes to difficult conversations, and why the best time to talk is rarely when one or both people are already angry, flooded or overwhelmed. Dr Rachel shares practical communication tools, including the importance of pausing, listening, reflecting and responding rather than reacting.
They also explore the role of the nervous system in relationships, and why people in fight-or-flight mode are often not able to have calm, constructive or compassionate conversations. When the brain is wired for survival, it can jump to worst-case scenarios, misread a partner’s intentions and turn ordinary moments into emotional threats.
This conversation looks at the question so many couples miss:
Would we be communicating this way if we were not so stressed?
Would this feel like such a big problem if we were not exhausted?
Would I be interpreting my partner this way if I felt calmer, safer or more supported?
Gabriella and Dr Rachel also talk about burnout inside long-term relationships and marriages. Not just individual burnout, but couple burnout. The kind of emotional depletion where one or both people begin to feel like there is nothing left in the tank. The kind of burnout that can sound like “I’m done,” when what someone may really mean is “I am overwhelmed, unsupported and I do not know how to keep going like this.”
They explore the signs of emotional disconnection, silent divorce and quiet quitting inside a relationship, including withdrawal, silence, lack of communication, emotional distance, reduced affection, changes in behaviour and the feeling that someone is physically present but no longer truly connected.
This episode also looks at self-doubt and how it shows up in relationships. Dr Rachel explains how low confidence and self-doubt can change the lens through which someone sees themselves, their partner and the relationship. When a person is already questioning themselves, they may be more likely to stay silent, avoid hard conversations, assume they are the problem or wait until the issue finally explodes.
Guest: Dr Rachel Goldman
Dr Rachel Goldman is a New York City-based clinical psychologist, speaker, consultant and author of When Life Happens. Her work focuses on psychology, health, behaviour change, mindset, stress, confidence and the mind-body connection.
Find Dr Rachel Goldman: @drrachelnyc
Book: When Life Happens
Listen now and subscribe for more conversations about relationships, marriage, communication, family, co-parenting, emotional disconnection, repair and what happens before it breaks.
