In last week’s newsletter, we saw that unsolicited advice typically backfires. That’s because you’re coming in as a critic, knowing better — and that triggers people’s defenses. Neurologically, defending against threat narrows focus and suppresses creativity.

Instead, we need to request and receive permission to have an uplifting conversation.

So how do we do it? In our book You Can Change Other People, Peter Bregman and I share a three-step process. In case you haven’t read it (gasp), here are the steps:

1. Empathize
2. Express confidence
3. Offer to think it through with them

Let’s explore each step.

Empathize

Why empathize? Two main reasons.

First, if someone feels understood and valued by you, they’re more likely to accept your assistance. In their mind, you’re an ally, rather than a critic.

Second, empathy can help shift their neurology from fight-or-flight into social engagement, which brings their creativity and opportunity-seeking brain systems online.

What does this sound like? It could be as simple as, “It seems like you’re having a hard time with this.” Or, “That sounds like a tough position to be in.” Or, “That’s really challenging.”

It’s also the perfect opening when someone complains to you about their situation. That way, you can avoid giving advice or inappropriately reassuring them, and simply acknowledge that you are paying attention to what they’re feeling.

Express Confidence

You’re expressing confidence in their ability to handle the situation, to overcome the challenge.

This may sound like overly positive thinking, but it’s not. In fact, expressing confidence is tautological; by definition, you wouldn’t bother offering advice if you didn’t think they could benefit from it.

Letting them know that you believe in their ability to deal with this thing strengthens your position as their ally. And this kind of belief is contagious — people often rise to the expectations of others. (Check out this classic 1965 experiment by Rosenthal and Jacobson (no relation to me, as far as I know) for a stunning example of how manipulating teacher expectations significantly changed the educational outcomes of some students.)

Expressing confidence can be overt: “I believe in you, and I know you’ve got what it takes here. I’ve seen you deal with stuff like this before.”

It can reference the fact that they’ve “earned the right” to this challenge: “As team lead, you’re the one they’re looking to right now.”

And it can point to their aspirations for the future: “As you move up in your career, you’ll need to handle stuff like this on a regular basis.”

Offer to think it through with them

This is such a hard thing to refuse, especially when it follows empathy and an expression of confidence. And it’s the simplest thing to offer:

“Would you like to think it through together?”

“Want to think about the situation together?”

“Can we think together about how to approach this issue?”

Putting it together

Here’s an example from You Can Change Other People. In this example, Ben is complaining to a colleague, Dara, about Ramona’s unhelpful behavior as a member of his team.

Ben: Ramona is bossing everyone on the team. She’s so annoying, especially because she’s the one with the least experience.

Dara: That sounds tough. [Empathy]

Ben: Yeah, it is. Everyone’s spending so much time defending their turf that we’re not accomplishing our mission. It’s infuriating.

Dara: Sounds like it’s a larger dynamic than just Ramona. Something you probably need to handle as the team leader. [Confidence] Want to think about the situation together? [Think together]

Ben: Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.

Your Turn

Think of someone you’d like to change in some way. Imagine they come to you, not for advice, but just to complain. What does your 3-part permission formula sound like? For kicks, share your response in the comments (anonymizing, of course, to protect both the innocent and the guilty).

Want to create a team culture where everyone’s a pro at bringing out the best in each other? Reach out at [email protected] and we can chat about how to make it happen.