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Before you yell: 6 strategies that actually help
Parenting is a physically and emotionally demanding job. (image: engin akyurt/Unsplash)
Q: I love my kids, but sometimes they get to me—especially when they just don’t listen, or they’re arguing with each other all the time. I feel horrible after I yell at them. What can I do to keep myself from losing my cool with my kids?
If you’ve been seeing more arguing, snappy tones, or refusal to listen, you might find my workshop, Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection, especially helpful. It offers practical ways to stay calm, set limits, and shift the dynamic at home.
Parenting is a physically and emotionally demanding job. Children are delightful, and playful, and adorable, but they’re also noisy, messy, and unreasonable. As much as we love our children, we’ve all had moments of feeling exasperated with them.
Observational research tells us that toddlers can need correction as often as every six to nine minutes, and that about one out of every five interactions between preschool and toddler siblings involves intense negative emotions. Bigger kids can mean even bigger conflicts.
No wonder parents sometimes feel like they’re at their breaking point!
The Best Strategy Is PreventionThe best strategy for dealing with mom meltdowns or dad detonations is prevention:
getting enough rest
healthy food
exercise
social contact
and other recharging activities
These help you stay “fueled up” to do the job. You can’t possibly be the kind of parent you want to be if you’re running on empty.
Planning ahead for situations you know will be difficult can also help, especially if you get the kids’ input in coming up with solutions.
But What Can You Do in the Heat of the Moment?If the “heat of the moment” has become a daily pattern in your home, the Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection workshop walks you through step-by-step strategies for responding calmly and effectively.
Below are strategies to try when you feel like you’re about to explode.
1) Clap your hands once, forcefully and loudly.The shock of the noise can momentarily stop whatever is going on to give you a chance to think, and the sting on your hands can help you remember that you don’t want to hurt your children.
2) Delay your response.If you feel like yelling, try to do something else first:
Count.
Drink a glass of water.
Suck on an ice cube.
Even a 10-second delay can help you break through the automatic angry response and give you a moment to regain self-control.
3) Give yourself a time-out.You may need to step away from everything to regain control. Make sure your children are safe, and then find a space where you can be alone:
the bathroom
the shower
or just outside your door
During this time, don’t rehearse in your mind statements about how awful the kids are behaving. That will only get you more riled up.
Try distracting and calming activities:
reading
listening to music
yoga
aromatherapy
Some parents find that cleaning calms them, because it’s mindless and because seeing improvement in their living conditions helps them feel more in control. Only do this if you can do it without resentment. Cleaning while thinking, “I hate my life” won’t help you feel calmer.
4) Get out of the house.A change of scenery can help you feel less trapped. Take everyone “as is” for a drive, a walk, or just into the backyard until you feel calmer.
5) Take an observer’s perspective.We’re most likely to feel angry with our children when we feel like they’re deliberately trying to annoy us. But most of the time, that’s not what’s happening.
Try pretending you’re a teacher or a scientist watching your child to figure out what the child needs to learn.
Or, imagine someone you know who is kind, wise, and supportive of you is in the room with you. What do they see? Viewing the situation from an observer’s perspective can help you take misbehavior less personally.
6) Don’t go it alone.If your partner or spouse is available, explain that you need a break. Swapping responsibility for the kids when one of you is feeling depleted is an important way parents can take care of each other.
You could also call a sympathetic friend, or better yet, get together with that friend. Explain that you’re in desperate need of adult company.
Your friend will understand. He or she has been there, too.
What strategies have you found helpful to keep your cool as a parent?
Share in the comments below!
If losing your cool has become more frequent than you’d like, or if your child’s tone or behavior is pushing your buttons more than usual, my workshop
Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection
offers clear, practical guidance to help you:
reduce power struggles
improve your child’s tone and cooperation
stay calm during challenging moments
strengthen your connection
It’s practical, research-based, and something you can watch at your own pace.
WATCH IT NOW
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By Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhDParenting is a physically and emotionally demanding job. (image: engin akyurt/Unsplash)
Q: I love my kids, but sometimes they get to me—especially when they just don’t listen, or they’re arguing with each other all the time. I feel horrible after I yell at them. What can I do to keep myself from losing my cool with my kids?
If you’ve been seeing more arguing, snappy tones, or refusal to listen, you might find my workshop, Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection, especially helpful. It offers practical ways to stay calm, set limits, and shift the dynamic at home.
Parenting is a physically and emotionally demanding job. Children are delightful, and playful, and adorable, but they’re also noisy, messy, and unreasonable. As much as we love our children, we’ve all had moments of feeling exasperated with them.
Observational research tells us that toddlers can need correction as often as every six to nine minutes, and that about one out of every five interactions between preschool and toddler siblings involves intense negative emotions. Bigger kids can mean even bigger conflicts.
No wonder parents sometimes feel like they’re at their breaking point!
The Best Strategy Is PreventionThe best strategy for dealing with mom meltdowns or dad detonations is prevention:
getting enough rest
healthy food
exercise
social contact
and other recharging activities
These help you stay “fueled up” to do the job. You can’t possibly be the kind of parent you want to be if you’re running on empty.
Planning ahead for situations you know will be difficult can also help, especially if you get the kids’ input in coming up with solutions.
But What Can You Do in the Heat of the Moment?If the “heat of the moment” has become a daily pattern in your home, the Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection workshop walks you through step-by-step strategies for responding calmly and effectively.
Below are strategies to try when you feel like you’re about to explode.
1) Clap your hands once, forcefully and loudly.The shock of the noise can momentarily stop whatever is going on to give you a chance to think, and the sting on your hands can help you remember that you don’t want to hurt your children.
2) Delay your response.If you feel like yelling, try to do something else first:
Count.
Drink a glass of water.
Suck on an ice cube.
Even a 10-second delay can help you break through the automatic angry response and give you a moment to regain self-control.
3) Give yourself a time-out.You may need to step away from everything to regain control. Make sure your children are safe, and then find a space where you can be alone:
the bathroom
the shower
or just outside your door
During this time, don’t rehearse in your mind statements about how awful the kids are behaving. That will only get you more riled up.
Try distracting and calming activities:
reading
listening to music
yoga
aromatherapy
Some parents find that cleaning calms them, because it’s mindless and because seeing improvement in their living conditions helps them feel more in control. Only do this if you can do it without resentment. Cleaning while thinking, “I hate my life” won’t help you feel calmer.
4) Get out of the house.A change of scenery can help you feel less trapped. Take everyone “as is” for a drive, a walk, or just into the backyard until you feel calmer.
5) Take an observer’s perspective.We’re most likely to feel angry with our children when we feel like they’re deliberately trying to annoy us. But most of the time, that’s not what’s happening.
Try pretending you’re a teacher or a scientist watching your child to figure out what the child needs to learn.
Or, imagine someone you know who is kind, wise, and supportive of you is in the room with you. What do they see? Viewing the situation from an observer’s perspective can help you take misbehavior less personally.
6) Don’t go it alone.If your partner or spouse is available, explain that you need a break. Swapping responsibility for the kids when one of you is feeling depleted is an important way parents can take care of each other.
You could also call a sympathetic friend, or better yet, get together with that friend. Explain that you’re in desperate need of adult company.
Your friend will understand. He or she has been there, too.
What strategies have you found helpful to keep your cool as a parent?
Share in the comments below!
If losing your cool has become more frequent than you’d like, or if your child’s tone or behavior is pushing your buttons more than usual, my workshop
Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection
offers clear, practical guidance to help you:
reduce power struggles
improve your child’s tone and cooperation
stay calm during challenging moments
strengthen your connection
It’s practical, research-based, and something you can watch at your own pace.
WATCH IT NOW