The week before Christmas can feel tender. There’s beauty, excitement and hecticness, but also a quiet awareness of time passing… of how quickly kids grow, of the people we miss, and of what we hope our children carry with them long after the holidays are over.

This is a tradition our family practiced for many years, and it feels especially fitting as we close out the year.

My mother died suddenly when she was only 58 years old. This was an event that has affected me deeply. She died over twenty-six years ago, but I think of her nearly every day.

One of the things that my mother’s death made me do was to ask myself:

“If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, what would I want to do?”

The answer came immediately:

I’d want to make sure that my children know how much I love them.

I suppose that’s a morbid question, but the answer inspired me to create a tradition for our family.

I bought a small blank book for each person in our family.

Every year, in December or January or sometimes even February (depending on schedules), each family member secretly wrote three things they love about each other family member in that person’s book.

The entries began with the words:

“I love how you…”

When the kids were younger, they would dictate their responses, and my husband or I would serve as scribe. As the kids got older, they wrote their own entries.

Of course, I got some complaints along the lines of:

• “I don’t know what to write.”

• “Do I really have to come up with THREE things?”

—but not too many!

To make it easier, I gave the kids a small index card with prompts like these:

• What do you like or admire most about ____?

• What is the nicest thing ____ has done for you either lately or this year?

• What do you enjoy doing with ____?

These prompts help kids move past “I don’t know” and notice the everyday ways we care for each other.

Then we’d pick a day to read the entries aloud together.

Some topics came up year after year, some were new. There was always a lot of giggling but also a warm glow.

We have other traditions related to holidays and birthdays, but this made-up tradition was one of my favorites. My kids are adults now, and they all live away from home, so we don’t do it anymore, but this tradition of family love books was a wonderful way to celebrate what’s most important within our family: cherishing each other.

As a thank you for being here, and as we head into a season that can feel both joyful and heavy, I’m offering ALL subscribers $20 off any individual workshop or Full Access to all workshops.

Use code: DRF20DEC25

SEE ALL WORKSHOPS

If you’ve been meaning to come back to a topic that’s been hard for your child or for you as a parent, this is a gentle invitation to do that before the new year begins.

Wishing you a calm, connected end to the year. See you in 2026!
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

Some kids are tender-hearted and cry easily. This is not a problem–and may even be a personal strength–unless the tears come so often that they interfere with other activities and relationships.

In this week's episode, Beth says her friends are fed up with her tendency to cry. Learning ways to soothe herself might help her cope in more mature ways when she feels overwhelmed.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Did you get your December gift coupon code?

Ep. 102 - How to express your feelings with friends (Aida, Age 5)

Ep. 97 - How and why to understand a friend’s feelings (Zoya, age 5)

Ep. 5 - Friend doesn’t want what I want (Edith, age 8)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Think of a time you cried recently. What triggered your tears? Were you alone or with others? If you were with others, how did they respond?

• Everyone cries sometimes. What do you think are some good or not-so-good places to cry? Why? [Hint: Who’s around and how are they likely to respond?]

• Have you ever tried to comfort a friend who was crying? What did you do or what could you do in that situation?

• Dr. Friendtastic mentioned 5 self-soothing strategies to use when you feel like crying but don’t want to cry. Which of these appeals to you? What other strategies might be helpful?

• Research says that females tend to cry more often than males. Why do you think that is?

Did you know that there are three different kinds of tears? Basal tears keep our eyes comfortably wet. Reflex tears help us flush out things that bother our eyes, like dust, dirt, onion fumes, or smoke. Emotional tears happen in response to strong feelings, such as feeling sad, hurt, anxious, angry, or even overjoyed.

Animals sometimes cry, but only humans have emotional tears. On average, people create 15 to 30 gallons of tears per year. That’s about 60 to 120 liters. It’s enough to completely fill one or two standard-sized fish tanks!

In today’s episode, we’ll talk about crying and how it relates to friendship. Take a listen!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, my name’s Beth. I’m six years old. My friends get fed up with me when I cry at class. What can I do?

Hi, Beth. Thanks for sending in your question!

First let me say: Everyone cries! And tears aren’t dangerous. Some scientists think that tears help us feel better by releasing stress hormones. Tears can also be a way of signalling to others, “I need help! I’m overwhelmed by my big feelings!”

What’s interesting about your question is that you say your friends are getting annoyed with how much or how often you cry. So, I’m guessing you’re not crying tears of joy.

Some people cry more often than others. This might be because their family or culture is more open about expressing emotions, or because they have a lot of hard and upsetting things going on in their life. It might also be because they’re extra sensitive: They feel things deeply and have strong reactions to situations that maybe wouldn’t bother others. Feeling things deeply can be a personal strength!

On the other hand, sometimes frequent crying happens because kids haven’t yet learned other ways to deal with their feelings. Crying can become a habit–their go-to response whenever things aren’t the way they want. If kids are spending a lot of time crying, it means they’re spending less time playing and learning and talking with friends and reading and exploring and…well, everything else! Plus other kids might decide they’re not much fun to be around if they’re often crying.

Tears can be a kind of collapse, signalling, “I can’t handle this!” Sometimes, that’s absolutely true! We’ve all been in situations where we’ve cried because whatever was going on felt like too much to handle, and we needed extra comfort and support from people who care about us. And sometimes it’s less about the situation and more about how we respond to it.

If you think working on your coping skills might help, here are five strategies you could try when you feel the urge to cry, but you don’t want to. They all get easier with practice!

1. Take a deep breath in through your nose, then let it out very slowly through your mouth. Doing this a few times can help you relax and stop the tears.

2. Relax your face muscles. If you’re upset and ready to cry, you face is probably scrunched up tight. Try to smooth your forehead, relax the muscles around your eyes, soften your cheeks and lips, and let the urge to cry pass.

3. Distract yourself. Silently go over the lyrics to a favorite song. Count or do math facts in your head. For instance, you could figure out, what’s 100 minus 7? 93. Minus 7? 86. Minus 7? 79. Keep going! Concentrating on something else for a couple of minutes could help you settle.

4. Give yourself a pep talk. Don’t try to tell yourself, “This is great! I love it!” when you don’t, because that won’t help. Instead, tell yourself something honest and kind like, “I don’t like this, but I can handle it.”

5. Move your body. Go for a walk. Swing on a swing. Get a drink of water or go to the bathroom to step away from the situation for a bit.

Once the urge to cry has passed, you can think about more direct ways of dealing with the situation. This might involve asking questions, trying a different strategy, getting help, explaining what you want, just accepting the situation, or hanging out with someone else. All of those are easier to do when you’re not crying.

There’s no specific line defining what is or isn’t too much crying. If your crying happens often enough that it’s getting in the way of you doing what you want or need to do, or if it’s often affecting your friendships, then it might be worth talking to your grown-up to figure out what’s going on and what would help you move forward.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

There’s something about December that makes me want to slow down and appreciate the people who matter. The holidays bring so much — the bustle, yes, but also connection and the spirit of giving.

In that spirit, I have a gift for you.

I’m dedicated to keeping the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone! My paid subscribers help make that happen, and they also receive a $20 monthly discount on the featured workshop.

This December, as a special thank-you, I’m giving ALL of my subscribers, free and paid, a $20-off coupon for any ONE of my recorded workshops!

Your coupon code: DRF20DEC25 Use this code at checkout to save $20 on any one of my recorded workshops.

This is the perfect opportunity to explore topics that matter most to your family.

Watch at your convenience! You have 13 workshops to choose from — 2 for kids, 6 for parents, and 5 parent Q&A recordings. I’ll be creating new ones in the coming year.

SEE ALL WORKSHOPS

I’d love for you to take advantage of this special offer!

Wishing you a joyful holiday season,
Dr. Eileen

Want even more support throughout the year?

With Full Access, you get my entire library of workshops (all 13 of them) plus any new ones I create (as long as you’re subscribed), members-only Q&A sessions, and additional resources.

It’s perfect if you want ongoing support as parenting challenges come up.

LEARN MORE ABOUT FULL ACCESS

Hi there,

Navigating closeness vs. separateness is a fundamental part of every relationship. Too much closeness can feel suffocating. Too much separateness means the relationship fades or ends.

As adults, we’ve all had to find what works on this continuum in particular relationships. And sometimes the answer changes over time.

Kids also have to figure this out, and their relationships often change even faster than adult relationships do.

In this week’s episode, Sloane feels hurt by her friends request for space. I talk about what this request might mean, and what she can and can’t control.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 123 - How to Keep Friends (Eva, Age 6)

Ep. 111 - Friend won’t forgive her (Thea, Age 10)

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• How have you tried to learn about other cultures? (Hint: Do you know any words in a different language? Have you eaten food from a different culture? Have you had the chance to travel to different countries? Have you read books about someone who lives in a different country or comes from a different culture?)

• Do you like physical affection with friends or do you prefer a hands-off style of relating? How do you let friends know what you prefer?

• Has a friend ever told you they wanted space from you or didn’t want to be your friend anymore? What happened?

• Have you ever wanted physical or emotional space from a friend? How did you handle that?

I’m very interested in learning about cultural differences! It’s respectful, and it also opens our minds to understanding that there’s no one right way to do things.

One place where cultural differences show up is with personal space. A 2017 study from the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology found that, on average, people from Argentina stand 2.5 feet (or about 3 quarters of a meter) apart when they’re talking with strangers. People from Romania stand 4.5 feet (or almost one-and-a-half meters) away from strangers. People from the US and England average standing about 3 feet or one meter apart when chatting to strangers.

Now, of course, within a particular culture, there can be a big range in what individual people like. Also, the personal space people look for can be both physical and emotional. Take a listen to hear how this can be relevant for friendship.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

My name is Sloane. I am 6 years old, and my question is: what if you want to become a friend, but the friend does not want to have space?

Hi, Sloane! Thanks for sending in your question. It sounds like you want to be friends with someone, but she’s told you that she “wants space.” Ouch! It hurts to be rejected. Maybe you’re also feeling sad, angry, and left out. That’s understandable!

Let’s start by trying to imagine what this other kid is thinking and feeling. That’s not easy to do when you’re having a lot of big feelings yourself, but it’s an important step.

What do you think she means when she says she “wants space”? It’s possible she’s referring to physical space. Maybe you enjoy touching and hugging, and she’s more of a hands-off person. Maybe you tend to stand close, and she tends to feel crowded easily and likes more elbow room.

If she’s asking for physical space, I think you know what you need to do. If she doesn’t like being touched or having you stand close, you need to respect that, even if it’s not what you like. Step back. Give her room. If you don’t, she’ll probably feel very angry because you’re not listening to her.

But what if it’s not about physical space? What if she’s talking about emotional space? Emotional space means having room to feel what we feel.

Maybe she’s looking for a less close friendship with you. In other words, maybe she likes you, but she doesn’t want to spend all of her time with you because she also wants to hang out with other friends. That’s fair. She’s allowed to pick who she wants to play with. You may feel jealous if she wants to be with someone else and not you sometimes, but this doesn’t have to be a friendship-ender. Let her go and just try to be pleasant company when you’re together.

Or, maybe she’s looking for more drastic emotional space. What if, even though you like her, she doesn’t want to be friends with you?

Double ouch! That really stings! When we offer someone the gift of our friendship, and they don’t want it, that hurts. And if she’s friends with your other friends, it might seem like she’s trying to kick you out of the group.

Let’s think about what you can and can’t control in this situation. You can’t make this girl like you or want to be your friend. You can only control what you do.

You may want to take an honest look at your actions to see if there’s something you’ve been doing that might make her not want to be around you. If there is, it might help to apologize and try not to do that anymore. If you adjust your behavior, she may not need as much emotional space.

Yelling at her and telling her she’s mean, or telling everyone else you know that she’s mean, won’t help the situation.

If this girl is playing with all your other friends but doesn’t want to play with you, that’s trickier. She does not have the right to kick you out of the group. If you want to play with your other friends, do that! You don’t need her permission. You can give her space just by focusing on others. Don’t be unkind to her or insist she should leave. Just treat her in a polite but neutral way. If she says you have to leave, you could respond, “That’s silly. You don’t get to decide anything about my other friendships.”

You could also choose to play with someone else for a while–to give her the space she wants and a chance to miss you. In a week or so, you could try again with this girl. Or, you might feel happier playing with people who like you and want you around.

Your friendship is a gift. My hope is that you’ll give it to people who appreciate it and you!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Q: I love my kids, but sometimes they get to me—especially when they just don’t listen, or they’re arguing with each other all the time. I feel horrible after I yell at them. What can I do to keep myself from losing my cool with my kids?

If you’ve been seeing more arguing, snappy tones, or refusal to listen, you might find my workshop, Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection, especially helpful. It offers practical ways to stay calm, set limits, and shift the dynamic at home.

Parenting is a physically and emotionally demanding job. Children are delightful, and playful, and adorable, but they’re also noisy, messy, and unreasonable. As much as we love our children, we’ve all had moments of feeling exasperated with them.

Observational research tells us that toddlers can need correction as often as every six to nine minutes, and that about one out of every five interactions between preschool and toddler siblings involves intense negative emotions. Bigger kids can mean even bigger conflicts.

No wonder parents sometimes feel like they’re at their breaking point!

The best strategy for dealing with mom meltdowns or dad detonations is prevention:

• getting enough rest

• healthy food

• exercise

• social contact

• and other recharging activities

These help you stay “fueled up” to do the job. You can’t possibly be the kind of parent you want to be if you’re running on empty.

Planning ahead for situations you know will be difficult can also help, especially if you get the kids’ input in coming up with solutions.

If the “heat of the moment” has become a daily pattern in your home, the Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection workshop walks you through step-by-step strategies for responding calmly and effectively.

Below are strategies to try when you feel like you’re about to explode.

The shock of the noise can momentarily stop whatever is going on to give you a chance to think, and the sting on your hands can help you remember that you don’t want to hurt your children.

If you feel like yelling, try to do something else first:

• Count.

• Drink a glass of water.

• Suck on an ice cube.

Even a 10-second delay can help you break through the automatic angry response and give you a moment to regain self-control.

You may need to step away from everything to regain control. Make sure your children are safe, and then find a space where you can be alone:

• the bathroom

• the shower

• or just outside your door

During this time, don’t rehearse in your mind statements about how awful the kids are behaving. That will only get you more riled up.

Try distracting and calming activities:

• reading

• listening to music

• yoga

• aromatherapy

Some parents find that cleaning calms them, because it’s mindless and because seeing improvement in their living conditions helps them feel more in control. Only do this if you can do it without resentment. Cleaning while thinking, “I hate my life” won’t help you feel calmer.

A change of scenery can help you feel less trapped. Take everyone “as is” for a drive, a walk, or just into the backyard until you feel calmer.

We’re most likely to feel angry with our children when we feel like they’re deliberately trying to annoy us. But most of the time, that’s not what’s happening.

Try pretending you’re a teacher or a scientist watching your child to figure out what the child needs to learn.

Or, imagine someone you know who is kind, wise, and supportive of you is in the room with you. What do they see? Viewing the situation from an observer’s perspective can help you take misbehavior less personally.

If your partner or spouse is available, explain that you need a break. Swapping responsibility for the kids when one of you is feeling depleted is an important way parents can take care of each other.

You could also call a sympathetic friend, or better yet, get together with that friend. Explain that you’re in desperate need of adult company.

Your friend will understand. He or she has been there, too.

What strategies have you found helpful to keep your cool as a parent?
Share in the comments below!

If losing your cool has become more frequent than you’d like, or if your child’s tone or behavior is pushing your buttons more than usual, my workshop
Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection
offers clear, practical guidance to help you:

• reduce power struggles

• improve your child’s tone and cooperation

• stay calm during challenging moments

• strengthen your connection

It’s practical, research-based, and something you can watch at your own pace.

WATCH IT NOW

Hi there,

I’m off for the Thanksgiving weekend. Due to in-law commitments, my family celebrates on Saturday. Here’s an older episode I thought you’d enjoy! Saanvi wonders what gift to give her friend.

And here’s a gift for you:

THIS WEEKEND ONLY, I’m offering one of my workshops at no cost, to express my appreciation for you! Check it out: Parenting in Difficult Times.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 47 - Why friendships matter (Brayden, Age 9)

Ep. 67: Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)

Ep. 123 - How to keep friends (Eva, Age 6)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What is the best gift you ever received from a friend? What makes you think it’s the best?

• Why do you think Saanvi’s parents don’t want her to give her friend and expensive gift? What are some reasons why giving a friend an expensive gift might not be a good idea?

• What is something you gave to a friend that didn’t cost any money, but the friend really liked it?

• Dr. Friendtastic listed a bunch of ideas of possible gifts for a friend that cost little or no money: teaching the friend something, helping a friend with chores, makin a drawing or a craft, yummy food, a photo collage, a slide show, or a video about the two of you, writing a letter or a card telling the friend how much they mean to you. Which of those would you most like to receive? Which of these–or another idea–would you most like to give to a friend?

Did you know that humans aren’t the only ones who give gifts? Animals sometimes do it, too! Bonobo monkeys sometimes give apples or bananas to other bonobos they don’t know well. Dolphins sometimes give people gifts of eel or octopus. Crows sometimes give people gifts like a walnut, bottle cap, or wine cork. If you have a cat who goes outdoors, you may have received an unwanted gift from it, like a dead mouse on your pillow. I’m sure the cat meant well, but…yuck!

The best gifts are ones that the recipient enjoys. Take a listen.

[Music & Intro]

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

I’m off for Thanksgiving weekend, but I thought you might like to hear a re-release of an older episode. Here’s a question from Episode 37, from Saanvi, who is 12-years old:

Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

Today’s question is from Saanvi, who is 12-years old.

Hello, Dr. Friendtastic. I and my best friend have maintained a friendship from kind of babies’ time, and I want.., I’ve never given her a gift, but she has given me a lot of gifts, even the expensive ones. And I don’t I don’t want to give expensive things to her, like my parents don’t accept it, but I want to give her a gift. But I can’t find any, so would you help me with it? Would you help me find a gift for her?

Hi, Saanvi, thanks for sending in your question. How wonderful that you have a friend you’ve known since you were babies!

I can understand why you’d want to give your friend a gift, especially after she’s given you many gifts. There’s an idea called the reciprocity norm which means that when someone does something kind for us, we tend to think we ought to do something kind for them, too.

On the other hand, I think your parents are wise to forbid you to give your friend an expensive gift. There are a lot of ways that could go wrong. What if you get her something expensive and she loses it or breaks it or doesn’t like it? You could end up feeling resentful.

Also, if you give her something expensive, she might think she has to give you something even more expensive, and then you might think you have to give her something even more expensive, and the whole gift-giving thing could become very stressful for both of you!

The way out of this tangle is to understand that real friendships don’t involve keeping score. In other words, you don’t want to get stuck keeping track of and comparing who gave what to whom and who has done more. Maybe her family situation means it’s easier for her to give an expensive gift than it would be for you. If she choses to do a certain thing for you, such as giving you and expensive gift, that doesn’t mean you have to do the exact same thing for her.

In friendship, a gift is not an obligation. In other words, it’s not something we have to do, whether we want to or not. A gift between friends is an expression of caring. I’m sure your friend gave you those gifts because she likes you, and she wanted to do something for you that would make you smile. She wanted you to feel delighted and appreciated, not like you owe her something. So when she gives you something, say thank you and tell her how much you like it and that you appreciate her.

Instead of calculating the price of her gifts and worrying about whether you can match it, why not think about what you could do to express your caring for her? This doesn’t have to cost money!

You could show her that she matters to you by spending time with her and inviting her to do fun things with you. Maybe you could help her learn something or do an act of kindness for her by helping her with some task she has to do like cleaning up her room or watching a younger sibling.

If you want to give her something, you could make a drawing or a craft or some yummy food for her. Maybe you could create a photo collage, a slide show, or a video about the two of you and your friendship. You could also write her a letter or a card describing how important she is to you and all the things you like best about her. That would be a very precious gift.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.

And be sure to check out my funny and practical books for kids about friendship: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends, and my new book, Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

This time of year can be beautiful, but it can also be hard.

Routines shift. Emotions run high. And many parents are doing their best while feeling stretched thin.

If that’s where you are right now, I want to offer something that will help.

What’s inside:

This 80-minute workshop is broken into short sections you can watch whenever you have a few minutes. It’s designed to give you practical tools for the moments that feel hardest, without adding more to your plate.

We’ll talk about how to support your child through five common challenges:

1. When your child is anxious (and you are too)

2. When your child is sad or lonely

3. When your child won’t listen or is uncooperative

4. When your child is glued to screens

5. When your kids won’t stop squabbling

You’ll learn:

• What to say when your child asks, “Are we going to be okay?”

• How to respond to clinginess or defiance without losing your cool

• Why your child won’t “just get off the screen” and what actually works

• How to stop refereeing sibling fights and teach real problem-solving

• What to do when you snap, and how to repair

• A gentle way to steady yourself when everything feels like too much

Get the workshop here

Whether you’re in a tough season right now or just want to have these tools in your back pocket, I hope this is helpful.

Warm wishes & Happy Thanksgiving,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

Having a good conversation with a friend is one of my favorite things to do. But no one is born knowing how to talk with others. In this week’s episode, I offer some practical ideas to make it easier for kids to have enjoyable conversations.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured workshop: Turn Kids’ Disrepect into Connection and Cooperation.

Ep. 72 - Making friends in a new school (Nora, Age 8)

Ep. 70 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)

Ep. 92 - What to say when a friend is feeling down (Mason, Age 13)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Why do you think kids sometimes feel nervous about talking with other people? (Hint: What might they be afraid of?)

• Who do you enjoy chatting with? Why? (Hint: What do they do that makes your conversation enjoyable?)

• How could you answer the question “How are you?” using the “Great!”-plus-one-fact formula? (Reminder: The “one fact” should create a picture in the listener’s mind.) Why might this be a useful formula for conversations?

• Dr. Friendtastic says, “focus on being interested more than interesting.” What does that mean? Why might it be a helpful approach to conversations?

A friend of mine used to have a pet parrot, named Richard, who could talk. He especially liked saying, “Really? Wow!” because he had often heard my friend say those words when she was talking on the phone.

Alex the African gray parrot was a famous parrot who could understand over 100 words and even count up to 6. Parrots can learn the meaning of words like “peanut,” and they can figure out that saying “Hello” will get people to pay attention to them, but they can’t really have a conversation.

A conversation is more than just talking. Stay tuned.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

I’ll get back to answering questions from kids about friendship next time, but today, I want to take a deep dive into how to have a conversation.

Some kids find it easy to talk with other people, but some kids feel awkward because they don’t know what to say.

Today I’m going to give you five conversation tips to make it easier for you to chat with others.

First, get things started.

If you’re looking down or looking away, other people might think you don’t like them or don’t want anything to do with them. So, find your courage, and try talking to someone. You can start a conversation by giving a compliment. You could say, “I like your sweater!” or “Nice catch!” You could also ask a question that begins with how or what, or just comment about a situation or activity you’re both in. If the other person doesn’t continue the conversation, that’s okay. No harm done. At least you tried.

Second, match the emotional tone of the group.

If a bunch of kids are already talking, you can join in by making a comment that has the same emotional tone. So, if they’re all complaining about the social studies test, you don’t want to say, “Well, I thought it was easy!” That would be like a sour note in a melody. The conversation was going along, la la la la la, and then ERK.

Now, you shouldn’t lie or pretend you’re dumb. That doesn’t help relationships! Instead, you could match the tone by saying something like, “I can’t believe there were three essay questions!” or “I can’t believe we had to do the social studies test the same day as the math test!”

Tip three is to take turns.

A conversation is like a game of catch. If one person hogs the ball too long, it wrecks the game. So, if you go on and on and don’t let anyone else have a turn to talk, other people are going to feel annoyed. If the other person is showing they’re interested by listening, nodding, or asking questions, you’re fine. If they’re looking away or seem frustrated or bored, maybe you went on too long. You can change directions by saying, “Well, that’s enough about that,” or “Well, you get the idea,” then ask a question to get the other person talking.

Tip 4 is to share information that helps the conversation keep going.

If someone asks you a “How are you?” question, don’t give a bland answer like “fine” because there’s nowhere to go from there.

Instead, you could use the formula: “Great!” plus one fact. The “great” shows enthusiasm. The “one fact” should be something that creates a picture in the listener’s mind. For example, if your aunt asks, “How’s school?” you could say, “Great! We’re learning about the planets, and we’re going to go on a field trip to the planetarium!” That one fact creates a picture in your aunt’s mind and offers lots of possibilities for the conversation to continue. If a friend asks, “How was your weekend?” you could say, “Great! My sister and I made cookies!”

What if your weekend wasn’t great? If it’s a close friend, you could confide in them about your problems. If it’s someone you don’t know that well, it may be better to find something in the whole weekend that you can honestly be positive about.

Finally, tip number 5 is to focus on being interested more than interesting. A lot of kids feel anxious about conversations because they think they have to say something clever or impressive. You don’t. The best conversationalists get the other person talking. Try to be genuinely interested in getting to know the other person, and remember what they say to show you care. You can even contribute to a conversation without saying a word, just by smiling, nodding, and paying attention.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

“My kid doesn’t listen!”

This common parent complaint is filled with frustration! It’s aggravating to feel ignored. It’s hard not to take it personally… to conclude that our child doesn’t respect us. It’s also tempting to raise the volume of our requests or resort to threats.

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

If power struggles and disrespectful tones have been creeping into your home, my workshop Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Connection and Cooperation will give you practical, research-based strategies you can use right away — no yelling, no guilt, no exhausting battles.

In the meantime, the answer to being heard may be to make it easier for our children to listen. Here are some ideas:

If you want your child to put her dishes in the dishwasher, it’s easier for her to listen if you ask as soon as she stands up from the dinner table, rather than waiting until she has walked away and is relaxing on the couch.

Your request that your child clean up his room is more likely to get a positive response if you don’t ask when he’s in the middle of an exciting videogame.

You also want to avoid making challenging requests when your child is:

• tired

• hungry

• or emotionally distraught

Here’s a situation that comes up a lot in my practice:

“Every night we tell our child to get ready for bed. Then we go upstairs to check on him 45 minutes later, and she’s taken off one sock.”

If this happens every night, that approach clearly isn’t working.

It doesn’t matter if:

• most kids this age can get ready for bed independently

• we believe children this age ought to be able to do so

We have to deal with the child in front of us.

Reasonable expectations reflect what the child is currently doing – or just a bit beyond that.

If you have to ask your child 14 times before she listens, you’re training him to ignore you 13 out of 14 requests.

Try instead:

1. Walk over.

2. Make eye contact.

3. Put your hand gently on your child’s shoulder.

4. Give your request calmly and confidently.

5. Stay there until your child begins moving in the right direction.

Also be careful not to overload your child with too many instructions. Some children need to repeat back the instructions:

“So, what is it you need to do when we get home?”

If you’re noticing a pattern of eye-rolling, snappy responses, or refusal to follow reasonable limits, those behaviors can feel very discouraging. In Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection, I walk you through exactly how to shift these patterns – while strengthening your relationship with your child.

Tell your child what he should do, not what he shouldn’t.

If you ask a child to stop bouncing a basketball, chances are that child will bounce it three more times—not because he’s trying to be defiant, kids aren’t wired to stop instantly.

Redirection works better.

Instead of:

• “Stop bouncing the ball.”

Try:

• “Do five more bounces, then put the ball in the box in the garage.”

Instead of:

• “Time to go!”

Try:

• “Do your last thing, then we need to walk home.”

Kids love to laugh. You don’t need to be a great comedian – just a little silly.

Try:

• singing instructions

• using an accent

• pretending a sock or oven mitt is a puppet giving the instructions

• turning the task into a game or contest (kids vs. grown-ups contests are fun!)

For example:

“Can you get in your jammies before Mommy changes out of her work clothes?”

It’s easier for kids to do frustrating or unpleasant tasks if they have company.

This also avoids the classic kid objection:

“No fair! Why do I have to do it?”

Instead of threats, make a simple when–then statement:

• “When you’re done with your piano practice, then you can invite your friend over.”

• “When your homework is finished, then you can go play outside.”

• “When your toys are picked up, then we can go to the park.”

This type of when-then statement shows that your child is in control of when a positive outcome occurs.

You can also tie desired actions to natural cues:

• “When this show is over, then you need to head upstairs for a shower.”

• “When you finish your cereal, then you need to brush your teeth.”

No one likes to feel controlled – including children.

Give your child two options (more than that is overwhelming):

• “This or that?”

• “Now or then?”

• “Me or you?”

Both choices should be equally acceptable to you.

Kids are more likely to comply when they know what to expect.

You can reinforce routines by stating an impersonal “law of the universe”:

• “Coats belong in the closet.”

• “8 pm means bedtime.”

These types of statements are less likely to make your child feel personally “persecuted” by your request.

Barking orders invites resistance. A pleasant, polite request works better.

Too often, we use our best manners with strangers and don’t make the effort to be kind and civil with our families.

Modeling good manners makes it more likely your child will speak politely to you.

You’ll find even more practical strategies in my workshop,
Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection.

You’ll learn what to do when your child backtalks, how to respond to misbehavior in ways that encourage better choices, and the two crucial ingredients for raising cooperative kids.

LEARN MORE

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Hi there,

I’ve never been athletic. I tend to close my eyes if a ball comes near me. When I was applying to colleges, my number one criterion was that they NOT have a physical education requirement because I wanted the humiliation to end! I can dance, hike, and do yoga, but sports are just not my thing.

Picking teams in gym class was a particularly horrible experience when I was growing up. My athletic friends liked me, but they also wanted good players on their team, so I was always one of the last ones picked. The obvious remedy is for the adult in charge to let team captains pick two or three players, then count off or divide by birth months to arbitrarily assign everyone else.

Today’s question from Charlie is about not getting picked for a team at recess. Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured workshop: Turn Kids’ Disrepect into Connection and Cooperation.

Ep. 124 - How to Join Kids Playing (Amelia, Age 8)

Ep. 107 - Secrets to self-control in friendship and life (Alex, Age 10)

Ep. 7 – Emma, Age 11: Friend is a poor sport

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some ways to pick teams that are fair and kind to everyone?

• Why is it sometimes hard for kids to be a good sport?

• How do you decide who to play with at recess? (Hint: What might make you choose to try to join one group of kids but not another?)

• Have you ever “started the fun” at recess? If so, what did you do? If not, what fun game or activity could you try to start with other kids?

A tongue twister is a set of words or phrases that are difficult to say quickly and correctly. Have you ever tried saying this one?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Oof! That’s hard! A peck is about 9 liquid quarts, but I’m not sure what pickled peppers are, or why or how Peter Piper picked them, or why he lost them.

So, let’s talk about picking friends. Stay tuned.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, I’m Charlie, age 9. The kids will not pick me at recess to play on their team. What can I do?

Hi, Charlie. Thanks for sending in your question! Ouch! It’s no fun to be excluded. My guess is you’re feeling sad, frustrated, and maybe also mad at the kids who aren’t picking you to be on their team.

It always helps to try to imagine other people’s point of view. Maybe the reason they’re not including you has nothing to do with how they feel about you. Maybe they need an even number of players for both teams, and including you would mean one team would have too many people. If that’s the case, you could find another way to be involved, like bringing back the ball if it goes out of bounds, or find someone else to play with that day.

Maybe they’re not including you because they’re focused on winning, so they pick the most athletic kids for their team, and that’s not you. That doesn’t feel great, but it’s also not personal. In that case, it might help to practice the game at home to improve your skills, or, again, you could find a different role or a different game.

Maybe they’re not including you because they don’t know you very well. If you think that’s what’s going on, it might help to be friendly and kind to these kids during class or at lunch, as well as at recess. If they feel more comfortable with you, it might be easier for them to include you. But remember, not everyone is going to want to be your friend, and that’s okay. You have many options.

There’s another possibility which is hard but important to think about: Is it possible you might have accidentally done something that led these kids to think if they included you, you might wreck their game? If you did, that’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. The good news is that means the problem is in your control! Now, you need to figure out what might have bothered or upset the other kids, so you can address the problem.

For instance, sometimes kids try to join by interrupting the game. They might run off with the ball, block players or get in their way, make fun of players, or barge into the middle of an on-going game, instead of joining at the start. Those actions would get attention, but only negative attention because the other kids would feel annoyed.

Sometimes kids have trouble being a good sport. They might argue, sulk, yell, or accuse others of cheating if they start to lose or things don’t go their way. They might break the rules or try to change the rules in the middle of a game. All of those actions would be frustrating for the other kids, and they could decide it’s eaier not to include the person who is being a poor sport.

If you think your past actions are making kids not want to play with you, try to figure out specifically what it is that the other kids didn’t like. Then, you might want to apologize and promise you won’t do those things again, or you could try to figure out a better way to handle those situations, and do that if you get another chance to play. You may have to be patient and give it time to let those old misbehaviors fade in their memories.

There’s one other thing you could try. You could be the kid who starts the fun. If your school allows it, you could bring in a hacky sack or a frisbee–something you could play with, with other kids. Look around for someone who’s playing by themselves, and see if they want to join you. If the two of you are having fun together, maybe that’s good enough, or maybe other kids will want to join you!

To be included, you need to make wise choices about which kids you want to try to play with and then make sure that you’re good company, adding to the fun!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.