Hi there,
Teasing is one of the most complicated topics in children’s social lives. It can be fun and playful banter. It can also devolve into painful bullying. According to one survey, 83% of 9- and 10-year olds find it hard to tell the difference between banter and bullying.
The context matters: When kids are good friends, they are more likely to have good intentions with their teasing and to recognize that the other is being silly. They’re also more likely to be able to work past misunderstandings.
In this week’s podcast, Milo wonders how to deal with the fact that his friend called him names, criticizing his appearance. Ouch. Take a listen to hear about the differences between friendly and unfriendly teasing, plus my thoughts on the “roasting competitions” trend.
What were your experiences with teasing as a kid?
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! Your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured online course: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 95 - Handling embarrassing moments (Sara, Age 7)
Ep. 29 - Dealing with teasing (Abby, Age 9)
Ep. 25 - Moving past us-versus-them thinking (Bryson, Age 10)
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
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a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
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Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Do you have a nickname? If so, who calls you that, and how do you feel about it? If not, would you like a nickname? Why or why not?
Have you ever been teased in a way you found hurtful? Have you ever teased someone (including siblings) in a way they didn’t like? What happened? How did you handle it?
What are some reasons a good friend might accidentally say something hurtful?
How might you handle things differently if a hurtful name or comment came from a friend versus someone who is not a friend?
Dr. Friendtastic says you should only criticize someone’s appearance if it’s something they can quickly fix, and you can mention it privately. Why are these important guidelines? (Hint: How are people likely to feel if they can’t easily fix whatever it is, or if other people hear your negative comments?)
Transcript
Do you have a nickname? My husband’s name is “Anthony,” but most people call him “Tony.” He doesn’t mind either name. My first name is “Eileen.” I hate it when people call me Elaine or Ellen. There’s nothing wrong with those names, but they’re not my name.
Names matter. They’re part of who we are. Getting people’s names right is a sign of respect and just plain good manners.
Sometimes a nickname can be a sign of affection. Maybe you have a special grown-up who calls you “Honey” or “Sweetie.” Those are a quick way of saying, “I love you!”
On the other hand, when kids call other kids different names it might be affection or friendly teasing or it might be a mean put-down. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hello, my name is Milo. I am nine years old. My question is, what do I do if a friend calls me names about how I look?
Hi, Milo. Thanks for sending in your question. My guess is that you’re feeling angry and hurt about your friend calling you names. You might also feel embarrassed about the aspect of your appearance that your friend is criticizing.
Commenting negatively about someone’s appearance is rude and unkind. It’s best not to criticize how others look, unless it’s something they can quickly fix, and you can mention it privately–for example by whispering, “You have some lettuce stuck between your teeth.”
Kids already know if they’re taller or shorter or thinner or heavier or paler or darker or more freckley or whatever compared to most of their peers, so it’s not helpful or kind to point that out. Plus, the fact that everyone looks different is interesting!
Sometimes kids do friendly teasing or banter. This can be fun if there’s liking, respect, trust, and a shared sense of humor between the people involved. For instance, if you and a friend like different sports teams, you might tease each other about whose team is better. Or, if you’re playing a sport with a friend, and you’re both about equally good at it, you might “trash talk” each other about being the best or predicting how badly the other person is going to lose.
For teasing to be friendly, both kids have to enjoy it and know it’s not serious, and it can’t touch on any personal or sensitive topics.
Teasing someone about being bad at a sport who actually is bad at the sport is not funny or friendly; it’s obnoxious. No one will be impressed.
Sometimes kids talk about “roasting” each other. This involves having a contest of trading insults in front of an audience of other kids.
I have to tell you, I’m not a fan. It’s supposed to be “funny” and both kids are expected to “take it” without getting upset, but the insults are personal attacks along the lines of “You’re so stupid that…” or “You’re so ugly that…” Even if they pretend they don’t mind, a lot of kids end up feeling hurt and humiliated.
So please don’t participate in or even watch roasting. Roasting isn’t funny; it’s mean, and it can easily turn into bullying when a more socially powerful kid picks on another kid.
Now, you mentioned that it was a friend who made the comments about your appearance. It’s possible he didn’t realize his comments were hurtful. Friends usually care about each others’ feelings, so there’s a good chance that he’ll stop if you talk to him one-on-one and say, “I know you’re just trying to be funny, but I don’t like it when you call me that.” If he says something like, “Can’t you take a joke?”, tell him, “It’s not funny to me. Please stop.” If he accidentally forgets, remind him. Calmly but firmly say, “I told you, I don’t like that name. Please don’t call me that.”
What if the kid doing the teasing is not really a friend? In that case, sharing your feelings won’t help. If you say, “That upset me!”, he’ll think, “Good!”
Sometimes kids imagine that if they get mad and yell or come up with an even meaner come-back, then the unfriendly teaser will stop. Nope. That just makes the teaser feel powerful because he got a big response.
Adults often tell kids to ignore mean comments. Sometimes that can work, but sometimes ignoring just makes the teaser try harder to get a reaction.
I usually recommend trying to be an uninteresting target. In a bored voice, you could say, “OK” or “So what?” or “Really? I never noticed that” or “Tell me when you get to the funny part.” You could also pretend the comment is a compliment. Give the teaser a big smile, and say, “Thanks!” Then turn your back or walk away because you have better things to do than continue that conversation.
The teaser may be less likely to pick on you if you stand near an adult or other, kinder friends. It’s definitely a good idea to try to spend your time with people whose company you enjoy!
If the teasing keeps happening, and it’s upsetting you, it would be a good idea to talk to a grown-up you trust about how to handle things. Everyone deserves to feel safe and accepted, including you.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.
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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
