Hi there,
We’ve all had moments when we’ve thought, “Things would be a lot easier if everyone would just do what I want!” But the beauty and the challenge of human relationships (as opposed to interactions with AI companions) is that we can’t control other people. They have their own ideas and wishes. Maybe they’ve even had moments of wishing we’d just do what they want!
In this week’s episode, Akiva feels angry and disappointed when no one wants to play the game he likes. In those moments of conflict, we face a choice between being rigid and holding on to what we think is right or finding the strength to be flexible by adjusting our perspective to see the problem from a broader perspective. This is something even adults struggle to do. It often seems easier to just insist, “I’m right!” but being flexible can pay off in greater personal happiness long term as well as happier relationships.
Let me know what you think!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured webinar, Dealing with Feelings About Friends – For Kids! Children’s biggest feelings tend to focus around friendships. How your child handles those feelings can determine whether their friendships continue or shatter.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 5 - Friend doesn’t do what I want (Edith, Age 8)
Ep. 18 - Building great leadership skills (Kai, Age 9)
Ep. 28 - Dealing with spill-over anger (Avni, Age 11)
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
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a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
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Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
When a person is flexible, it means they can adjust to new, unexpected, or unwanted situations. What is an example of someone being flexible with friends? What is an example of someone being rigid with friends?
How do these two styles (flexible or rigid) affect friendships?
Does being flexible mean you never get to do what you want? Why or why not?
Why is it hard to be flexible when we’re upset?
Transcript
If you sit on the floor, with your legs out in front of you, can you touch your toes?
If you stand up, point one elbow toward the ceiling, and reach with that hand over your shoulder to touch your spine, then with your other elbow pointing down, can you reach behind your back to touch the fingers of both hands?
Can you do the splits?
These are all examples of physical flexibility or how bendy your body is.
In friendship, we don’t necessarily have to be flexible with our bodies, but we have to be flexible in our thinking. Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Akiva. I’m five and um, my question is what do you do if, if, if nobody wants to play the game you are playing?
Hi, Akiva. Thanks for sending in your question! Oh, my goodness! That sounds like a very upsetting situation! I’m guessing you felt frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, and also sad when nobody would play the game you wanted to play.
Unfortunately, we can’t make friends do what we want. It might help to explain why we want what we want, but if we try too hard to pressure someone to do something they don’t want to do, that can hurt the friendship.
When your friends won’t do what you want them to do, give yourself a moment to notice and accept your feelings about what’s happening.
Then comes some difficult but important work: Trying to be flexible.
Flexible means bendable, like tall grass waving in the wind. When a person is flexible, it means they can adjust to new, unexpected, or unwanted situations.
The opposite of flexible is rigid. Rigid means stiff or unbending, like a large tree trunk. When a person is being rigid, it means they’re stuck thinking there’s only one right way for things to be, and they can’t deal with anything else.
For instance, if you tell yourself, “It’s not perfect, so it’s terrible!” that’s being rigid. But if you think, “It’s not perfect, but it’s still good,” then you’re being flexible.
Another rigid thought might be, “They have to do what I want!”
A flexible alternative is, “I wish they’d do what I want, but I can handle it if they don’t.”
Why is being flexible important? One reason is that being flexible helps us feel happier. If we insist that things always have to be exactly how we want, we’re going to be mad or disappointed a lot. Most of the time, events, things, and people aren’t perfect. Thinking flexibly helps us accept how things really are, deal with disappointments, come up with solutions, or just go with the flow.
Another reason that it’s important to be flexible is because it helps our relationships. It’s hard to be around someone who only wants their way and melts down or argues endlessly if plans change or things aren’t perfect! When we can think flexibly, we’re able to recognize and respond to other people’s feelings as well as our own.
So, what are some ways to be flexible in your situation?
One possibility is to be curious about why your friends don’t want to play the game you like. Maybe it’s a just-for-today thing or maybe it’s something you could fix to make them like the game more.
Another possibility is to suggest a compromise. A compromise means doing partly what you want and partly what your friend wants. You could say, “How about if we play your game today and my game tomorrow?” Your friend may not agree, but it could be worth a try.
You could also suggest playing a different game that you’d both enjoy.
Another way to be flexible might be to change who you play with. Of course you’d rather play the game with your friends, but if they won’t do it, who else could you ask? Or, is there a way you could play or practice on your own?
Still another way to be flexible is to think about the situation differently. Instead of clinging to rigid thoughts like, “Now I’ll never get to play the game I like!” or “They’re always mean to me!”, you could try to tell yourself, “I don’t like this, but it’s not forever” or “They’re still my friends, even if they don’t like my favorite game.”
When we’re feeling frustrated or disappointed, it’s very, very hard to be flexible. The more we practice, the easier it becomes. Sometimes it helps to pause, take a deep breath, let it out, then tell ourselves, “This is hard, but I can handle it.”
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
