Hi there,

If you live in the Northern Hemisphere, and have a kid in elementary or middle school, they’re probably very focused on who is or isn’t going to be in their classroom in the new school year. Excitement or tears can follow this news. It might be tempting to minimize these concerns–at worst the friends are only down the hall!–but they are legitimate. Separate classrooms can break up friendships unless kids work to stay connected. That’s the topic of this week’s episode.

How is your kid taking their classroom announcements? Let me know in the topics.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 110 - Being apart from a friend (Matilda, Age 5)

Ep 120 - Best friend is playing with someone else (Metis, Age 6)

Ep. 136. How long should you keep a friend (Matthew, Age 7)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Have you ever had a friend in a different classroom? What did you do to try to stay connected? Why is it sometimes hard for friends in different classrooms to stay close?

• What are some things you do or would like to do with friends outside of school?

• Why is it important to ask friends about what’s happening in their lives when you’re not around and tell them about what’s happening in your life when they’re not around? What’s the difference between being nosy and being an interested friend?

• What do you think Dr. Friendtastic means when she suggests that Lily try to open-hearted? (Hint: She mentions Lily making other friends, and Lily’s friend making other friends.)

A group of islands is called an archipelago. That’s a very fun word to say!

The world’s largest archipelago, in terms of land area, is the Malay Archipelago which is in Southeast Asia, between the Indian Ocean and the Pacific Ocean. Its land area is over 1 million square miles or over 2.8 million square kilometers. It contains more than 25,000 islands and includes countries like Indonesia, The Philippines, and Singapore.

To travel between islands in the Malay Archipelago, you could take an airplane, a ferry boat, or a motorized speed boat, depending on how far apart the islands are.

Sometimes, when friends are assigned to different classrooms in school, it can feel like they’re living on different islands. Staying connected is harder than if you were in the same classroom, but if you’re in the same school, you won’t need an airplane or boat to get together.

Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

 Hi, my name is Lily and I am 11 years old. And uh, my question is how do you keep friends if they’re in different classrooms?

Hi, Lily. Thanks for sending in your question! Right about now, a lot of kids in the Northern Hemisphere are hearing about classroom assignments for the new school year, and some of them are feeling very sad and worried because their friends are assigned to a different classroom than they are.

It’s true that when friends spend less time together they might grow apart. But that doesn’t have to happen! Let’s talk about some ways you might be able to stay connected to your friends in different classrooms.

First, make full use of the times you are together in school. For instance, you might be able to see your friends at lunch, recess, gym, or other special classes. Also, don’t forget about right before or after school. During these times, look for your friends and try to hang out with them.

Second, make being together outside of school a priority. This is your most important strategy for staying connected. You could invite your friends over or plan to do fun outings together. You might also decide to do afterschool clubs, sports, or activities together that you’ll both enjoy. Shared fun strengthens your friendship.

Third, be interested in what’s happening in your friends’ lives when you’re not together. Ask your friends questions about what their teachers and classmates are like. Also, tell your friends about your experiences in your classroom. Figure out how things are similar or different. Sharing in this way helps you understand each other’s lives more.

Fourth, try to be open-hearted. What do I mean by that? Well, if your friends are spending around 6 hours every weekday with one group of kids, and you’re spending 6 hours every weekday with another group of kids, chances are both of you are going to make other friends. Try to view these new friendships as an addition to, not a replacement of your old friendships.

It’s disappointing not to be in the same class as your friends. But if you all work at it, you can stay connected. You could also come out of the experience with a wider circle of friends.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

There’s a traditional saying that goes "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." This is about finding allies to fight an enemy.

A twist on this is the expectation that “The enemy of my friend is my enemy.” This might be the sentiment of a loyal friend. It implies taking a friend’s side in a conflict. But on a practical level, it could mean making a conflict bigger because the friend is getting dragged into battles that don’t concern them.

In this week’s episode, Ian wants to know what to do when his friend becomes friend with someone who doesn’t like Ian. Is that disloyal? Should Ian confront the friend and demand, “It’s him or me!” What are his other options?

If you or your kid have dealt with a similar situation, let me know in the comments!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 117 - How to tell if a friend is loyal (Julian, Age 12)

Ep. 84 - Torn between two friends who don’t like each other (Jennifer, Age 10)

Ep. 77 - Friend is nicer to someone else (Maya, Age 8)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• If you’re having a conflict with someone, do you think your friend has to be on your side, against the other kid? Why or why not? Why might your friend not want to take sides?

• Have you ever been in a situation where another kid didn’t like you? Why didn’t they like you? How did you feel about them? How did things end up between you?

• Dr. Friendtastic lists a bunch of things that could make the situation worse: Criticizing the friend’s other friend, acting grumpy around the friend, or insisting that the friend has to choose sides. Why are these NOT good options? (Hint: How is the friend likely to react?)

• Why does Dr. Friendtastic encourage Ian to try to imagine the other kids’ feelings? (Hint: How might that be helpful for Ian?) Why does she focus on what Ian could do, rather than what the friend should do?

In a dog park or a fenced yard, dogs can run around freely, but when they go out in other places, they’re usually on a leash. A leash keeps dogs safe by keeping them close to their people, and it prevents them from doing something dangerous, like running into traffic or eating garbage. A leash is also useful to keep dogs from jumping on strangers or getting aggressive with unfamiliar dogs. Most dogs don’t mind a leash because they associate it with fun walks.

With friends, it feels good to have them near us, but we can’t keep them on a leash. The fact that friends can come and go as they please makes it extra special when they choose to be with us. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

My name is Ian. I’m 11. My question is, what should I do if my good friend makes friends with someone who doesn’t like me?

Hi, Ian. Thanks for sending in your question! Having your friend choose to hang out with someone who doesn’t like you seems confusing and upsetting! You might feel mad, hurt, abandoned, or even betrayed. You might also be worried that your friend will have less time to spend with you, or that the other kid might try to convince your friend not to like you!

Let’s try to imagine what the other people involved in this situation might be feeling. Let’s start with the other kid. Do you have any idea why he doesn’t like you?

If there was a misunderstanding or you made a mistake in the past, it might help to try to make up with him. You could apologize or just try to be extra kind to him.

Being extra kind might also help if he mostly doesn’t like you because he sees you as a rival, pulling your close friend away from him. He might feel less threatened if you act friendly when you’re around him.

On the other hand, if the two of you are just very different people, or you get on each other’s nerves, trying to befriend the other kid probably won’t work.

What about your close friend? What do you think draws him to the other kid? Do they share some interest that you don’t? Is the other kid super fun or very popular? If you can understand why your friend likes that other kid, it might help you to like that kid better, or at least to accept your friend’s reasons for wanting to be with him.

There are several things you could do that would make the situation much worse. So, you definitely don’t want to do these:

• If you criticize the other kid when you’re with your friend, that will make you seem unkind.

• If you act grumpy, sulk, and refuse to speak with your friend because you’re mad at him for befriending the other kid, your friend might decide it’s not much fun to be around you.

• If you try to prevent your friend from hanging out with the other kid, or if you insist that your friend has to choose between the two of you, your friend is likely to feel angry about being controlled. Creating that kind of loyalty test could end up pushing your friend away from you and more toward the other kid.

So, where does all of that leave you? Well, your best option is to try to befriend the other kid. Your friend likes that kid, so there must be something good about him! Befriending the other kid gets you a new buddy, and it means your friend can enjoy both his company and yours.

If that’s not possible, your second best option is to accept that your friend is free to hang out with whoever he wants.

Ugh! That is not easy to accept! He’s a close friend, so of course you want him to stick with you! But keep in mind that the reasons your friend likes that other kid probably have nothing to do with how your friend feels about you. Your friend is absolutely capable of liking both of you, even if you’re very different people.

So, your job in this tricky situation is to try to preserve your friendship, regardless of what happens with the other kid. You can do that by trying to be good company when your friend is around. You could also invite him to get together with you to do fun things. Having a good time with your friend strengthens your friendship. It’s also your best protection if that other kid says mean things about you because it lets your friend experience directly that you’re a good friend, regardless of what the other kid says.

In addition to having fun with your close friend, you may want to explore some other friendships. I bet there are other kids who would be glad to hang out with you. Doing that isn’t a betrayal of your close friend. It’s just expanding your social circle.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

If you have more than one kid, this may sound familiar:

“He’s copying me!”

“She’s touching my stuff!”

“He’s touching me!”

“She’s doing it again!!”

This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. In fact, one study found that siblings who are close in age have about eight arguments a day.

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

It’s natural to want to step in, figure out who’s right, and decide on a consequence.

But it helps even more to step in before things get heated. If you notice everyone is cranky, tired, or crowded into a small space, try a little humor or a quick distraction. That can ease the tension before it turns into a fight. Little kids, especially, have a hard time staying upset once they start laughing.

Catching that moment is a skill, and it's one you can build, because those squabbles aren't just annoying – they're learning opportunities. The same conflicts that drive you crazy are chances to teach your kids the people skills they'll use for the rest of their lives.

Helping Siblings Get Along gives you proven ways to reduce conflict, help your kids communicate, and build a strong relationship that lasts long after childhood. It’s $75 this week only (regular price is $99).

GET THE COURSE

Get it by August 1. After that, the price returns to $99.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

Friends are precious, which means they can be hard to share! In this week’s episode, Miranda’s best friend is filled with jealousy when Miranda plays with someone else, and that leads the friend to do some not-so-kind things. Should Miranda give in and only play with the best friend, shrug and do what she wants, or find a middle ground?

If you or your kid have dealt with a similar situation, let me know in the comments!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Ep. 121 - Close friend and new friend leave her out (Sara, Age 8)

Ep. 17 - Balancing a best friend and another friend (Sophie, Age 10)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What is your favorite possession and why? Would you feel comfortable letting another kid use or borrow it? Why or why not?

• What does Dr. Friendtastic mean when she says we can’t own friends?

• Would you continue to be friends with someone who hit you? Why or why not

• Why do you think the friend felt upset when Miranda played with someone else? What could the friend have done to handle the situation better?

• Have you ever worried that you might lose a friend to someone else? How did you handle that?

What is your favorite possession? Possession means something you own. Maybe your favorite possession is a special stuffed animal you’ve had since you were a baby. Maybe it’s something bigger, like a bike. Or maybe it’s something you love to collect.

Would you feel comfortable letting someone use or borrow your favorite possession? Maybe or maybe not. Some possessions feel too personal or precious to share.

Sometimes, kids get into a rough spot because they treat their friends like possessions. Good friends are very precious, but we don’t own them, and we don’t get to decide who plays with them. Take a listen.

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

My name is Miranda. I’m 8-years old. My question is, what if you have a friend that is your best friend that she is really mad at you because you played with someone else in recess, and you didn’t play with her because she was doing something else. And sometimes she says that she hates you, or she hits you. Thank you. Bye!

Hi, Miranda. Thanks for sending in your question! This sounds like a very difficult situation!

We need to start by thinking about safety: It’s not okay for your friend to hit you. I don’t want you in a situation where you’re getting hurt!

If you see that your friend is very angry, try to stay far enough away that she can’t hit you. You could also stand near a grown-up, so she’s less likely to hit you. If she does hit you, say in your loudest voice, “Stop hitting me!” That will likely get a grown-up to come over to keep you safe.

You may be tempted to hit her back, but then she’d probably hit you harder, and the situation would get worse. Plus, you don’t want to be the kind of person who hits a friend.

If she keeps hitting you or hits you hard, this may not be a good friendship for you right now. You don’t have to accept being hit. All friendships have rough spots involving disagreements, mistakes, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings, but healthy friendships don’t involve hitting.

Now, you called this girl your best friend, so I’m going to assume that she’s usually kind, that her hitting isn’t painful, and her upset and misbehavior is a new or rare problem.

Let’s try to imagine why she’s upset about you playing with someone else.

My guess is that she’s feeling jealous. Jealousy is a feeling that happens when we think someone is going to hurt or steal a relationship that matters to us. Your friend may be afraid she’ll lose you if you play with someone else.

Obviously, hitting and saying she hates you isn’t a good way to make you want to be with her! And, of course, she doesn’t own you, so you can play with whoever you want.

But if you care about continuing this friendship, you might want to talk to her about the situation. At a neutral moment–not when she’s super upset–you could tell her that she matters to you AND you also want to play with other kids. You could invite her to join you in playing with the other kids.

You could say it’s hard to be around her when she’s yelling and hitting. (She probably knows that!)

You could also set up a time to play together, just the two of you. That might help reassure her that you’re still friends, even if you play with others sometimes.

There’s a tricky balance you need to strike between expressing caring for your friend because she’s clearly feeling hurt, while also being firm about your right to have more than one friend and to be treated with kindness.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Does the word “bossy” get your hackles up? Some people think that girls (and women) are more likely than boys (and men) to be accused of and penalized for being bossy. On the other hand, barking orders at people, especially without legitimate authority, can seem more like bullying than genuine leadership.

Friendship is a relationship between equals, so neither party should be the “boss” or the other. It takes skill to be able to communicate effectively in a way that others can hear. In this week’s podcast episode, I talk about the power of listening, using “I” statements, and aiming for agreement rather than control with friends. Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 149 Friends aren’t listening to her! (Bella, Age 10)

Ep. 126 - How to have a conversation - for kids

Ep. 18 - Building great leadership skills (Kai, Age 9)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What’s the difference between being bossy and being a leader?

• What are some not-so-good ways that kids might try to get another kid to do what they want? What could they do instead?

• Why is an “I” statement easier for people to hear than a “You” accusation?

• What does it mean to look for agreement rather than control with friends?

Dogs can learn up to 100 word and hand-signal commands.

To teach a dog the command “Sit,” you could hold a small treat above the dog’s nose, then move it back so the dog’s nose comes up and its bottom goes down. As soon as the dog sits, give it the treat and happily say, “Yes!”

Once the dog understands the behavior you want, then you can pair the word “Sit” or a hand signal with the treat above the nose. Eventually, you’ll be able just to say or signal “Sit,” and the dog will know what to do.

Teaching a dog to respond to a command takes a lot of patience and gentleness. It works because dogs like to please their people…and they like treats.

Friends, on the other hand, don’t like hearing commands. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s hear today’s question:

My name is Lola, I’m age eight. And what if your friends aren’t being flexible, and they think you’re being bossy, but they’re actually the ones who are being bossy?

Hi, Lola, thanks for sending in your question! You think your friends are being bossy, and they think you’re being bossy. That sounds like a very frustrating situation!

Being bossy means ordering others around when you’re not in charge of them. So, if your mom tells you to clean up your room or your teacher says to do something for homework, that’s not being bossy because they really are in charge of you. On the other hand, if a kid tells you that you have to do something, that could be bossy because they’re not in charge of you.

Saying that a person is bossy isn’t just a neutral description. It’s criticism and name-calling, and it’s not going to help anyone move forward. If your friends tell you, “You’re bossy!”, and you respond, “No, you’re bossy!”, and they say, “No, you’re bossy!” and you say, “No, you’re bossy!”...that’s not helpful or kind.

Some people think the word “bossy” is unfair to girls because girls are more likely than boys to be criticized for being bossy. A boy doing or saying the same thing might be called confident or a leader. Having one set of expectations for boys and another for girls is called having a “double standard.” That’s annoying and definitely unfair.

My guess is that you have a lot of good ideas. I wouldn’t want you to decide that you should never share your ideas or that you always have to give in and do what your friends want. At the same time, I wonder if there’s a way for you to communicate your ideas so it’s easier for your friends to hear them.

It sounds like there’s a lot of talking going on between you and your friends, and maybe not much listening.

What if, instead of arguing, you asked questions to try to understand what your friends want and why? You could ask, “What do you want to do?” or “What’s most important to you?”

If you listen to them with genuine curiosity, they might be more willing to listen to you. By listening, you might find out that what you want and what they want is not so different, or you might be able to come up with a compromise or a new option that you can all accept.

It might also help to tweak how you share your ideas. Some statements make people stop listening. These include: “You have to…”, “You always…”, “You never…”, “You cheated…”, and “You’re lying…” Ooof! Those are not fun to hear!

Instead, you could try using an “I” statement: “I think…” “I want…” “I feel…” “I like…” “I don’t like…” You can also add the word “because” and explain why, to help your friends understand the reasons behind your ideas. All of these statements help your friends understand what you’re thinking and feeling without making them feel controlled.

Presenting your ideas as a question can sometimes be useful to show that you’re looking for agreement rather than control. You could say, “How about if we…?” or “Would you like to…?” or “What do you think about…?”

Be mindful of your tone of voice, as well. If you’re yelling or sounding sarcastic, it will be very hard for your friends to hear you.

Trying to figure out who is or isn’t bossy isn’t useful. The challenge you and your friends are facing concerns how to communicate with each other clearly and respectfully. This isn’t easy, especially when we’re feeling frustrated! Learning to communicate well takes effort and practice, but it leads to stronger, happier friendships.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Being excluded hurts. It’s one of the most common concerns I hear from kids. But there’s a difference between being excluded and just not being invited. In this week’s episode, Jim found out his friends had a sleep-over without him. Is that a friendship ender? Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 4 - One friend feels left out (Thomas, Age 13)

Ep. 51 - Mean comment said behind her back (Saoirse, Age 8)

Ep. 26 - Friendship doesn’t have to be all or nothing (Abigail, Age 10)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What is the difference between not invited versus excluded? Why does that difference matter? (Hint: Think about the intention of the host.)

• What are some non-mean reasons why you might do something with one friend but not another?

• Why is it not a good idea to yell at someone for not inviting you?

• All-or-nothing thinking means believing something has to be perfect or it’s worthless. Why is this not a useful way to think about friendship?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “What your friends do when you’re not around is not your concern.” What does that mean? Do you agree? Why or why not?

How did you sleep last night?

Koalas can sleep as much as 22 hours a day.

Chinstrap penguins don’t do extended periods of sleep. They take thousands of tiny, 4-second naps because they need to stay alert when guarding their nests.

Sea otters sleep eleven to thirteen hours, broken up in naps that last several hours, throughout the day and night. They float on their backs in the ocean and hold each others’ paws while sleeping or wrap themselves together with kelp, so they don’t drift apart.

Sometimes friends have sleepovers. These can be fun, but not much sleeping tends to happen at a sleepover. And they don’t generally involve kelp.

Sometimes people talk about “losing sleep” because they’re worried about something…like not being invited to a sleepover. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, I am Jim. I’m 12. I was just wondering what if my friends have a sleepover without me?

Hi, Jim. Thanks for sending in your question! I’m guessing that you felt hurt and maybe also angry when you found out that your friends had a sleepover and didn’t invite you.

This is a tricky situation because, even though it hurts to be excluded, the host kid has a right to invite (or not invite) whoever they want!

You may feel tempted to yell at the host kid and demand, “Why didn’t you invite me? You’re so mean!” I strongly recommend that you don’t do this. Yelling at someone or calling them names isn’t going to make them want to be around you more.

It’s always a good idea to try to imagine other people’s perspectives. Let’s try to think of some reasons why the host kid might have invited the other kid but not you. I call this the Maybe Game. Maybe that kid excluded you because he was trying to be mean, and he wants you to suffer! But you said he’s a friend, so probably not.

What are some other maybes that could explain what happened?

Maybe the host kid’s parents said he could only invite one friend, and maybe he’s planning to invite only you next time.

Maybe they’re neighbors, so it’s easier for them to get together for a sleepover.

Maybe your friends were hanging out, and the sleepover was a spur-of-the-moment, last-minute decision.

Maybe the sleepover happened because they both had to be somewhere early the next day.

Maybe the other friend’s grown-ups had to be away overnight because of a business trip or a wedding, and the sleepover happened so the host kid’s parents could take care of the other friend.

Which is the real explanation? I don’t know. We may never know. But if we can think of lots of other maybes, it makes the deliberate meanness explanation seem less likely. The maybes we’ve come up with so far have nothing to do with how the host friend feels about you.

There is one maybe that could sting a little: Maybe the host kid and the other kid are closer friends with each other than they are with you. Ouch. It doesn’t feel good to be a second-choice friend.

On the other hand, we don’t want to do all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to friendship. All-or-nothing thinking happens when we tell ourselves that something has to be perfect or it’s worthless. Telling ourselves, “My friend has to do exactly what I want at all times, or we can’t be friends!” is an example of all-or-nothing thinking that’s likely to leave you friendless. There’s no such thing as a perfect friend!

Here’s an important question to ask yourself: is your friendship with the host kid still good and fun, even if he’s closer to the other friend than he is to you? My guess is that it is. Don’t give up on a good friendship because it isn’t perfect.

So, what can you do in this situation?

One option is to try to become closer with either the host kid or the other friend or both. What if you invited them both over for a hangout or even a sleepover? Having fun together is a great way to become closer friends!

Another option is to try to expand the group. Friendship threesomes can be challenging because one person often feels left out. Adding a fourth friend to the group can ease the tension and increase the fun.

If you think you might have accidentally done something that makes your friends less eager to hang out with you, of course you should address that. You could apologize or just try to do better from now on.

There’s one more option for dealing with this situation that might surprise you: You could do nothing. You could remind yourself that what your friends do when you’re not around is not your concern. It isn’t relevant to their relationship with you. You could choose to be cheerful and friendly when you’re with these friends and find some other way to entertain yourself when you’re apart.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

“He pushed me!” “She won’t let me have a turn!” “They’re being mean!”

Tattling involves one child reporting another child’s misbehavior to someone else, almost always an adult. It’s one of the most annoying things kids do. It’s also extremely common.

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Researchers at Queen’s University Belfast spent 66 hours observing 40 preschoolers (ages 3–4) across 30 days and documented 354 instances of tattling. Pity those poor teachers!

• Average rate: just over one tattling report per child, per day

• Range: anywhere from zero to more than six reports a day for individual kids

The most common topics were property disputes, physical aggression, and rule violations.

Here’s the surprising part: of the reports that could be verified, 90% were true. Most of the rest weren’t lies; they were kids mistaking an accident for deliberate meanness. Preschoolers can and do lie sometimes, but tattling itself is rarely one of those times.

• About 75% of tattling was aimed at getting help and/or getting the other child in trouble

• Another 16% was about enforcing a rule

The short answer: it works.

In the same study, teachers responded to tattling by:

• Supporting the tattler (intervening or suggesting a solution): 47% of cases

• Acknowledging the complaint (listening, or saying they’d follow up later) — 22% of cases

• Responding neutrally (asking questions, making excuses for the other child, or ignoring it) — about a third of cases

• Reprimanding the tattler or both kids — rare, each of these were only about 3% of cases

Add it up: a tattling child has a 69% chance of getting a positive response and a 94% chance of getting either a positive or a neutral one. No wonder they keep doing it!

But there’s a deeper reason behind tattling. Tattling is a stepping stone in kids’ social development. It sits between physical aggression and more mature ways of solving problems. During a conflict,

• A 2-year-old in conflict is likely to hit or yell

• A preschooler tattles

• An 8- to 11-year-old gossips about the offender

• Teens become increasingly able to disengage or negotiate directly.

So, children who tattle have learned enough social-emotional skills to hold themselves back from hitting, but not enough to solve problems on their own.

Tattling also shows kids are starting to understand right and wrong, or at least starting to predict what brings adult disapproval. As they get older, kids consider peer reactions as well as adult responses. One study found that 6- to 7-year-olds thought it was fine to tattle about any wrongdoing, while 8- to 10-year-olds started distinguishing between serious issues (like stealing) and trivial ones (like not finishing their vegetables at lunch).

By upper elementary school, kids who tattle too much start getting labeled “snitches” or “tattletales” by their peers. Another study of 12- to 18-year-old boys found that kids who tattled a lot were less well-liked by their peers. Causing unnecessary trouble for a peer isn’t a great way to make or keep friends!

When we understand tattling as a developmental stepping stone, that suggests some practical ways to support kids growing ability to handle conflicts with peers:

1. Offer empathy first
A simple “It bothers you when he does that” acknowledges the self-control your child is already showing by not hitting. With younger kids, you might also ask, “Do you need a hug?” Unless it’s serious, try not to jump straight to solving it for them because that teaches kids that adult intervention is the best and only way to handle conflict with peers.

2. Help them tell the difference between telling and tattling
Telling is about solving a serious problem. Tattling is just trying to get a peer in trouble. A few questions to help your child sort which one they’re doing:

• Will anyone get hurt?

• Will anything get broken?

• Have you tried two ways to solve it on your own?

If the answer to all three is no, it’s probably not something that needs adult involvement.

3. Coach direct problem-solving
Tattling children want the adult to take action. Instead of leaping in to rescue them, we can ask questions to help kids think through how they might handle it themselves. For instance, you could ask:

• “What could you do to solve this?”

• “What could you say to her?”

• “What else could you try?”

• “What can you do while you’re waiting?”

• “What can you do if he won’t listen?”

• “How do you think she’ll react if you do that?”

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

If you found this article helpful, please share it with other parents!

Share

Hi there,

Happy Fourth of July! I’m off for the holiday weekend, so I thought I’m sharing a re-release of an episode about how to be a good friend. Our eyes point outward, so it’s easy to notice what someone else is or isn’t doing right, but, in friendship, the more important question is often, what can we give?

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! Your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

Ep. 92 - What to say when a friend is feeling down (Mason. Age 13)

Ep 136 - How long should you keep a friend (Matthew, Age 7)

Ep. 124 - How to Join Kids Playing (Amelia, Age 8)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some ways that you are a good friend? (Hint: what do you do to show your friends you like and care about them?)

• Why is it sometimes hard to be a good friend?

• Thinking about the different friendship areas Dr. Friendtastic highlighted, fun, support, closeness, and handling conflicts, which do you think is the hardest to do well? Why?

• What could you do to try to become an even better friend? (Think about all the areas and questions mentioned in the podcast episode.)

A mirror shows your reflection because light hits its shiny surface and bounces back instead of passing through. The image you see in a flat mirror is reversed. If you look in the mirror and raise your right hand, it will look like the person in the mirror is raising their left hand.

A mirror that’s curved like a dome makes objects look smaller than they are but gives a wider view. A mirror that’s curved like a bowl makes things appear bigger than they are if we stand close, but if we stand far away, it makes things look upside down.

Sometimes people talk about the idea of looking in a mirror as a way of describing being self-aware. That means taking an honest look at our own thoughts, feelings, and actions so we can be our best selves. That’s an important part of friendship. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

I’m off for the holiday weekend, but I thought you might like to hear a re-release of an older episode.

Instead of answering a kid question today, what I’d like to do is talk about how to be a good friend. It’s easy to notice whether someone else is or isn’t being a good friend, but it’s useful, sometimes, to stop and think about how we’re doing, what we offer our friends.

Now, being a good friend is not about just doing one thing. There are four main friendship areas I’d like us to talk about. As I go over these areas, think about what you already do and also what you’d like to do more, to be an even better friend.

The first area is FUN. Kids make and keep friends by doing fun things together. So, think about:

- Do you suggest ideas of fun things to do with friends?

- Do you invite your friends to get together with you outside of school or organized activities?

- Are you open to doing things your friend wants to do?

- When you’re together, are you usually cheerful?

- When you lose a game with a friend, do you handle it well?

A second important area for being a good friend is SUPPORT. This is about being there for your friends when they need you.

- Do you share and take turns with your friends?

- Do you offer to listen to your friends when they’re upset?

- Do you help your friends in practical ways, when you can?

- Do you stick up for friends when someone is being mean to them?

- Do you keep your promises to friends?

A third area for being a good friend is CLOSENESS. We all want to feel that our friends know and value us. As you get older, confiding in your friends becomes more important. But good friends also make room for their friends to have other friends.

- Do you tell your friends about what you’re thinking or feeling?

- Do you listen to your friends and remember what they like or don’t like and what’s going on in their life?

- Are you trustworthy? Do you keep your friends’ private information just between the two of you?

- Do you do things to make your friends feel special and show you care?

- Do you accept it when your friends have other friends?

The final area for being a good friend is dealing with CONFLICTS. Arguments, disagreements, mistakes, misunderstandings...these happen in every friendship! The way you handle those friendship rough spots can determine whether your friendship lasts. So think about:

- When you and a friend have a disagreement, do you compromise? (That means meeting in the middle, so you do partly what they want and partly what you want.)

- When you feel mad or hurt by something your friends do, can you tell them without being mean?

- Do you stop doing something when your friend asks you to stop?

- When your friend is upset by something you said or did, do you apologize?

- Are you able to forgive your friends for not being perfect?

Being a good friend takes effort and practice. It’s not always easy but trying to be a good friend makes it more likely that others will respond to you in friendly ways. The most important thing to remember is that kindness is the key to friendship.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Have you ever tried to talk your child into reaching out to an old friend they haven’t seen in a while? Oh, the resistance! You’d think you were asking them to run naked through town!

If kids want to expand their social circle, there are two options: They could try to make new friends, or they could try reaching out to former friends. Rebuilding an old friendship might be faster than building a new one. If the old friendship was good, there’s a very good chance that the former friend will respond warmly.

But kids worry about what to say or do and how the former friend will respond. They might also feel guilty about not reaching out before. I talk about all of that on this week’s podcast, in response to Georgie’s about how to reconnect with her old friends.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Just in time for summer, this month’s featured online course is Turn Kids' Disrespect into Connection and Cooperation. On sale this week.

Ep. 82 - Expand friend group without hurting best friend (Paa, Age 12)

Ep. 71 - Is she a friend or not? (Tali, Age 11)

Ep. 67 - Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some reasons why friends might fall out of touch (even if they still live nearby)?

• Do you have any old friends you’ve lost touch with? Would you want to reconnect with them? Why or why not? How could you reach out to them? How do you think they’d respond?

• How would you respond if an old friend you hadn’t heard from in a while reached out to you?

• To expand your friendship circle, you could make new friends or reach out to old friends you haven’t connected with in a while. Which do you think is easier? Why?

• Why do you think kids are sometimes reluctant to reach out to old friends? What could you say to a friend to encourage them to reach out to their former friends?

Wouldn’t it be fun to find a pirate’s buried treasure?

Unfortunately, pirates rarely buried their treasure in real life. That’s something that mostly happened in stories.

There are shipwrecks with sunken treasure, but you have to have special permission, as well as lots of equipment and diving skills to find that.

On the other hand, in friendship, there is such a thing as buried treasure, and it may be easier to find than you think. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s hear today’s question:

I’m Georgia and I’m 10 years old. My question is, how do I become friends again with my old friends who I’ve not played with for a very long time?

Hi, Georgia! Thanks for sending in your question! Those friendships from long ago are your buried treasure! They may be covered by the dust of time because you haven’t gotten together recently, but if they were strong friendships before, there’s a very good chance that you’ll be able to…unbury them!

Now, it sounds like you want to reconnect with your old friends, but you’re also worried about it. Maybe you imagine that you’ll feel awkward and not know what to do or say. Maybe you feel guilty about not having been in touch. Maybe you’re scared that they’ll respond negatively, or even get mad and demand, “Why are you talking to me?!”

Research with adults shows that we tend to underestimate how happy old friends will be to hear from us. Telling someone you’ve been thinking of them shows they matter to you. It’s an act of kindness, and it usually gets a positive reaction.

If you’re feeling guilty about not reaching out before, well, the best way to fix that situation is to reach out now! The sooner you reach out, the sooner you can rebuild a connection that you might both enjoy.

Ok, so how do you reach out to an old friend? That depends on how you generally communicate.

If you have access to texting or email, you could start by sending a short note expressing interest in your friend. Just sending “Hi. Thinking of you. How are you?” might be enough. Or, you might want to acknowledge the distance between you and also mention a happy memory of something you shared. You could say, “Hi, it’s been ages since we talked. I was practicing soccer yesterday, and it reminded me of when we used to be on the same team. That was so much fun! How are you? Are you still playing soccer?”

What if you’re nervous about sending a message? Here’s a hint from research with adults that might help: First message someone you’re comfortable contacting. That’s like your warm-up round. Then reach out to your old friend.

If you can see the old friend in person, that’s even better! Walk up to them, give them a big smile, and express happiness about seeing them! You could say, “Hi! It’s great to see you! How’ve you been?”

You could also approach your old friend with a sincere compliment, like “Your drawing looks great! I especially like how you did the background!”

If the old friend is already involved in some game or activity, use the watch-then-blend formula to join in. Watch what the other kids are doing, then slide into the action without interrupting. That’s how you make the transition to playing together.

Once you’ve made the first contact, in person or by messaging, then you could invite them to get together to do something fun with you. Having fun together builds friendships. Your invitation shows your old friend that you like them, and you want to be closer than you are now.

Be patient and persistent about being kind and interested with your friend. It can take time to rebuild a friendship.

But what if your old friend doesn’t want to reconnect? Maybe they’re too busy with activities you don’t share, or they have plenty of other friends, or they’re still mad at you because of something that happened a long time ago?

That’s possible, but you’ll be no worse off than you are now. I also think it’s unlikely that you’ll get a negative reaction to reaching out with kindness.

Go ahead! Try reaching out! You just might unbury the treasure of your old friendship and make it even better.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

You’ve asked your child to clean their room. Not once. Not twice. It’s now five times in the same day. You’re this close to losing it.

Every time you ask, again, your child grunts and says, “I know!” You even get an eyeroll. Do they know? Wouldn’t it be done if they knew?

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Here's one thing worth thinking about: you have a complete picture of what "clean room" means. Your child might just see an overwhelming wall of stuff with no idea where to start. Sometimes the ask isn't the problem, the size of it is. "Pick up trash first" gives them a place to start.

That connects to something I see all the time in my practice. Parents come in and tell me, “Every night it’s the same thing. We tell him to go upstairs and get ready for bed, and 45 minutes later, he’s taken off one sock.”

I ask, “Every night?”

“Yes, every night.”

“Is there ever an exception?”

“No, never.”

And I say, “Well, apparently that plan isn’t working.”

When something isn’t working, the answer usually isn’t more force. It’s making it easier for your child to do the thing in the first place.

You’re working with their momentum instead of against it.

That's the heart of my self-paced, online course, Turn Kids' Disrespect into Connection and Cooperation.

It's my featured course this month, $75 this week (normally $99).

Get it by June 30th, and I'll also send you my guide, Getting Kids to Help with Chores, free.

Get the course + bonus guide

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.