Hi,

I’m off for the holiday weekend, but I thought you might enjoy a replay of one of the most popular episodes of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast. Paul asks how to find the right friends to surround himself with, and I talk about peer pressure and peer influence.

Someone mentioned to me that they can’t do the Dr. Friendtastic Back-to-School listening challenge before Sept. 1. No worries! We’ll keep it going until Sept. 15. Check it out to help your child start the school year feeling more prepared for the social side of school, in less than half an hour! At zero cost!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. There’s still time to get the bonuses along with this month’s featured online workshop: Friendship Skills – FOR KIDS!

Ep. 16 - Sam, Age 13: Joining a new group of friends

Ep. 36 - Ann, Age 9: Dealing with peer pressure

Ep. 43 - Beatrix, Age 8: Friend cut her hair!

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some ways that you’ve been influenced by your friends? Do you think that influence has been positive (good for you) or negative (bad for you)? Why?

• Have you ever been in a situation where a friend tried to pressure you to do something you didn’t want to do? What happened?

• What three words would you use to describe the five (or so) friends you spend the most time with? Do you think those three words also describe you? Why or why not?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “However your friends might influence or even pressure you, you’re in charge of deciding what’s the right thing for you to do.” What does that mean?

If you were a zebra among a bunch of antelopes, you would stand out from the group. If you were a zebra among a bunch of zebras, you would not stand out.

Sometimes, it feels good to be a zebra among antelopes. In real life, zebras and antelopes hang out all the time. Zebras also like to hang out with buffalo, wildebeest, and giraffes.

Sometimes, it feels easier to be a zebra among zebras, but you need to make sure the herd is moving in a direction you want to go!

In this week’s episode, I talk about peer pressure, peer influence, and finding a group that’s right for you.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

I’m off for the holiday weekend, but I thought you might like to hear a re-release of an older episode. Here’s a question from Episode 67:

Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, my name is Paul and I'm 12 years old. How [do] I find the right friends here to surround myself with?

Hi, Paul! What a great question! Your question shows that you understand that our friends influence us, so it’s important to make wise choices about who we hang out with.

Adults often warn kids about peer pressure. But if someone is pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, that’s annoying. So, it’s likely to make you even more determined NOT to do whatever that is.

Peer influence is more common and more impactful than peer pressure.

Peer influence has to do with all the subtle and sometimes indirect ways our friends can nudge us about what we do.

For example, because we like our friends, we may want to be like them. So, one way our friends can influence us is leading by example. If they wear a certain brand of sneakers, or have a certain hairstyle, or play a certain sport, we may want to do the same. Doing the same thing our friends do can sometimes make us feel closer to them, and no one likes to feel left out, so copying friends isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Another way friends influence us is by their approval or disapproval. Because we care about our friends, their opinions matter to us. For instance, if you do something, and your friends say, “That’s cool!”, that could make you want to do it more. On the other hand, if your friends laugh and say, “That’s dorky!” well, that could make you not want to continue doing it.

Peer influence can be positive or negative. Friends might encourage you to study hard or to get in trouble.

So, getting back to your question, how do you find the right friends to surround yourself with…you want to choose friends who make good choices and who encourage you to do good things. You’re likely to meet those kids doing things that matter to you.

It might help to ask yourself some questions:

First, how do you feel when you’re with them? With good friends, you mostly feel comfortable, happy, and supported. If you often feel criticized, or put down, that’s likely not a good group for you to spend time with.

Second, how do the adults who care about you feel about these friends? If your parents, teachers, and other adults have concerns about these friends, it would be a good idea to listen and think about what they’re saying.

Third, do you like who you are when you’re with them? This question has to do with your values, which are your beliefs about what is right or wrong and the things in life you think are most important. For instance, if you value kindness, you wouldn’t want to hang around with a group of kids who tease or bully younger kids, because you might accidentally end up doing that. If you care about honesty, try to be in groups where you can be yourself and feel accepted.

A speaker named Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” He just made up the number 5, and research shows that we’re influenced not only by our friends but also by the friends of our friends, and even the friends of our friend’s friends. But it makes sense to choose to spend time with friends who bring out the best in us.

It’s also important to keep in mind that however your friends might influence or even pressure you, you’re in charge of deciding what’s the right thing for you to do.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.

You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

A simple "hi" can open the door to friendship. When kids greet others warmly, they're showing they're interested in connecting, and that makes all the difference.

But saying “hi” doesn't come naturally to every child.

Some kids look away or mumble because they feel shy or self-conscious. They’re focused on their own distress, but the message they’re sending to others is: I don’t like you, and I don’t want anything to do with you! That’s not how they feel, but their withdrawal can push others away.

The good news? Friendly greetings are a skill kids can learn.

In this short video, I share three simple steps that help children give warm, welcoming greetings:

Friendly greetings are one of the first steps in Reaching Out, the very first skill your child will learn in my workshop, Friendship Skills – For Kids.

The workshop teaches kids five practical friendship skills through short, engaging videos made just for ages 6 to 12. Your child can watch and learn real strategies they can use right away—whether they're naturally outgoing or tend to be more reserved.

If this kind of support feels helpful for your child, I invite you to learn more:

CHECK OUT THE WORKSHOP

Warm wishes,
Eileen

Thanks for reading Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Share

Hi,

Being ignored is painful. When a friend is ignoring them, kids may feel hurt, angry, worried, or helpless. How can they break through the silence without pushing the friend away? Hear my suggestions for Emma in this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast.

Reminder: Check out the Dr. Friendtastic Back-to-School listening challenge! Help your child start the school year feeling more prepared for the social side of school, in less than half an hour! At zero cost!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured online workshop:
Friendship Skills – FOR KIDS!

Ep 111 - Friend won’t forgive her (Thea, Age 11)

Ep. 102 - How to express your feelings with friends (Aida, Age 5)

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Why is positive attention better than negative attention? (Hint: how do others react?) What are some things you do or could do to get positive attention from friends?

• Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like a friend was ignoring you? What happened? Did you ever learn why your friend was ignoring you? How did you handle it?

• What would it look like if you were trying to be enjoyable company for a friend? (Hint: What would you do or say?)

• When a friend has been distant lately, why is “I miss you!” a better message to communicate than “You’re mean! Stop ignoring me!”?

• Why is not speaking to someone a bad way to handle conflicts?

  How is ignoring someone different from taking a short break to calm yourself down?

How do you get someone’s attention?

You could say, “Hi. How’s it going?”

You could wear a clown nose, a feather boa, and bunny slippers, all at the same time.

You could yodel very loudly. Odeley-hee-hoo!

You could jump on them. That would be hard to ignore!

Hmmm. There are lots of ways to get attention, but not all of them help your friendship!

Listen to learn more!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

Hi, my name is Emma. I’m 13 years old, and my question is: How do you let a friend know that you're feeling ignored by them without seeming too clingy?

Hi, Emma, Thanks for sending in your question! That sounds like a very tricky situation! I’m guessing you’re feeling hurt and lonely because your friend is ignoring you. You might also be feeling angry that she’s treating you that way.

Part of you probably wants to give your friend a piece of your mind and tell her, “You’re being mean! Stop ignoring me!” But another part of you knows that probably wouldn’t go well, and you’re worried about pushing her away even more!

That leads us to an important idea: the difference between positive versus negative attention. Positive attention is when people notice you for good reasons; they like what they see! Negative attention is when people notice you for negative reasons, so they feel annoyed, frustrated, or disgusted. Yikes! Sometimes kids seek negative attention when they think they can’t get positive attention, but negative attention never builds a friendship. It makes people want to get away

There are a lot of reasons why your friend might be ignoring you. Maybe she’s very busy with new activities. Maybe your schedules have changed, so you don’t have as much time together as you did. Maybe she’s become closer to other friends.

You can’t control any of that. The only thing you can control is what you do.

Think about recent times you’ve been with your friend. Would you say you’ve been enjoyable company for her?

I know, it’s hard to be friendly when you’re feeling hurt. I’m not saying you have to be fake and pretend you’re happy when you’re not. Being fake never helps build a friendship.

On the other hand, if you’re with your friend and you’re sulking and looking miserable or sitting there silently glaring at her, well, that’s not going to help your cause.

It’s possible that your friend doesn’t know you’re feeling ignored. So, you might need to tell her, but you’ll want to do it in a way that’s likely to build rather than hurt your connection.

You might want to wait for a moment when it’s just the two of you and tell her, “I miss you!” Then invite her to do something fun with you. If you can spend enjoyable time together, then it might rekindle your friendship.

You might also be able to reconnect by showing interest in her new friends or activities, but we can’t force other people to feel close to us.

If you think the disconnection is temporary, because she’s distracted with something, patience and caring might help. Depending on the situation, you could send her a note saying something like, “Good luck with your tournament!” or “I can’t wait to see you in the musical!” or just “Thinking of you. I’m here if you want to chat or just hang out.” Then wait for her to come to you.

If the friendship was good before, maybe you’ll become close again at some point. You want to leave the door open for that. But for now, focus on taking care of yourself. If this friend isn’t showing up for you the way you want or need, it’s probably a good idea for you to build up friendships with other people, so you’re not counting only on her.

There’s one more possibility I can think of: Maybe she’s secretly mad at you and ignoring you on purpose. I hope that’s not the case! Not talking to someone is never a good way to deal with conflicts. It’s unkind, and it doesn’t solve anything. If you think that’s what’s going on, don’t chase her. Don’t try to drag it out of her why she’s mad at you. It’s her job to speak up if she has a problem. Just be friendly when you’re together and invest your time and energy in other friends.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Around now, a lot of kids are hearing about who their teachers are for this academic year and scrambling to find out which of their friends will be in their class. While parents and teachers are thinking about learning and logistics, kids are focused on friends.

But friendships can be complicated. Maybe your child has come home upset after an argument with a friend. Maybe they’ve felt hurt because of teasing or jealous because a friend has a new friend. Maybe they want to be included in a group, but find themselves on the outside looking in because don’t know what to say or do to join.

Adults tend to offer quick reassurance:
“Just be yourself!”
“Find someone else to play with!”
“Don’t worry about it.”

But for a child who’s hurting or confused, that advice often falls flat.

Kids need more than encouragement. They need skills.

That’s where this workshop comes in.

This workshop is designed for kids ages 6-12, and it's packed with practical, entertaining lessons that actually work. Your child will explore real-life scenarios, solve friendship puzzles, and learn how to be a good friend.

Here's what's included:

• What it really means to be a good friend

• Tips for making and keeping friends

• How to avoid annoying behavior that pushes others away

• Kind but firm ways to speak up when friends cross the line

• What to do when friendship groups feel confusing or exclusive

• Tools for managing common friendship conflicts

Bonuses for August: This month’s workshop includes two useful extras:

• A Parent Reflection PDF to help you think about friendship in your kid’s life and your own.

• A Playdate Guide offering easy tips to make get-togethers with friends go smoothly.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE

The coupon will be sent in a separate email and expires September 7th.

Warm wishes,
Eileen

P.S. Not yet a paid subscriber? Upgrade now to support the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast and get monthly workshop coupons and bonus content, including this month’s $20 off code.

Want to purchase the workshop without subscribing? Buy the workshop here.

Hi,

Making choices can be hard, especially when choosing one option means letting go of another. In this week’s episode, Haya has to choose between two friends’ birthday parties that are scheduled at the same time. I talk about some factors to consider in making her choice and how to maintain closeness with the friend whose birthday party is her second choice.

Want to help your child get ready for the social side of school in under half an hour for fr33? Check out the Dr. Friendtastic Back-to-School listening challenge!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

LEARN MORE

Ep. 110 - Being apart from a friend (Matilda, age 5)

Ep. 93 - Not invited to a party! (Alice, age 6)

Ep. 60 - Friends invited but not him (Henry, age 8)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What’s the best celebration you’ve had for your birthday? What made it so special

• Which would you enjoy attending more: a big party with lots of kids or a small party with just a few kids? Why?

• Splitting your time by attending only part of each of two parties that were scheduled at the same time seems fair, but there can be problems with that. What are the downsides of that solution? (Hint: think of how the birthday kid, other guests, and you might feel.)

• If a close friend invites you to their birthday party but you can’t attend, what are some things you can do to show that friend you care about them?

You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Have you heard that saying? It means that in some situations, when there are two options, you can’t have both. You have to choose one or the other.

For instance, if you eat a piece a cake, then you don’t have it anymore. It’s gone! It’s in your stomach! If you want to keep the piece of cake, then you can’t eat it.

Now, if you’re like me, you might be thinking, “Well, what if I eat just a few bites of the cake? Then I’ll still have some cake left and also get to eat some cake!” But in some situations, it’s not easy to go halfway. We have to pick one option or another.

In this episode, we’ll talk about a choice that can affect friendships. Stay tuned!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, my name is Haya. I'm 6 years old. I have a problem. My problem is I'm invited to two birthdays happening in the same time. How can I choose which one to go to?

Hi, Haya! Thanks for sending in your question! Lucky you! It feels good to be invited to fun events! But my guess is that you’re also feeling frustrated that the two birthday parties are on at the same time, and maybe you’re also worried about both missing out on the fun of one party and hurting the feelings of the friend whose party you don’t attend.

So, let’s consider your options. Obviously, you can’t be in two places at the same time.

If the parties are nearby, it might be possible to split your time, attending the start of one party and the end of the other. That seems fair, but it may not be the best option. It could come across to the first birthday kid like you’re saying, “You’re party is boring. I’m leaving for a better party!” And it could come across to the second birthday kid like you’re saying, “I’m too busy and important to come to your whole party! I’ll just pop in for a bit at the end!” It might also be hard for you to leave the first party, when other kids are having fun, or arrive late at the second party, when you’ve missed the fun activities the other kids have done.

If you got one invitation before the other one, it’s probably fairest to accept the invitation you got first. If you’ve already said yes to an invitation, the polite and respectful thing to do is to keep your word and show up for that party, even if you’d rather go to the other party.

If you got both invitations on the same day, you could choose which activity you’d prefer. You could also consider which friend you feel closer to.

But there’s another thing you might want to consider: at which party is your participation more important? Suppose one party is a big shindig with the whole grade invited, and the other party is smaller, with just a few friends invited. It might be hard for you to miss out on the big party, but whether or not you attend probably doesn’t make that much difference to everyone’s enjoyment. On the other hand, it will be very noticeable if you don’t attend the smaller party.

Whichever party you choose to attend, try to make sure that the other birthday kid feels appreciated. Be sure to thank them for inviting you. It was kind of them to want you there to celebrate their special day! You don’t have to explain that you’re going to someone else’s party because that could hurt their feelings. Just say you have another commitment.

If it’s a close friend, you may want to give them a present, even though you can’t attend their party. You could also make a plan to celebrate their birthday at a different time, with just the two of you.

It’s hard to turn down an invitation from a friend and miss out on some fun! But missing one event isn’t going to break your friendship, especially if you find other ways to show you care about this friend.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Do you know what your kids are pondering most about going back to school? Sure, they might wonder about their teachers, worry about their homework or the bus ride, or enjoy some new school supplies, but mostly, they’re probably thinking about friends.

Who will be in their class?

Who will they sit with at lunch or play with at recess?

What if they don’t know anyone, or everyone is paired up, and they’re the odd one out?

What if someone is mean to them?

As the first day of school approaches, I’ve put together the

a simple way to help your child reflect on friendship and build skills for the year ahead.

The Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast is for children, but it’s also an easy and useful resource for parents and other caring adults who want to help kids learn about friendship.

Each weekly, 5-minute episode features an audio recording of a real question from a kid (in grades K–8), plus a practical and thought-provoking answer. There’s also a transcript and discussion questions to help your child reflect more personally on the topic.

The challenge features five episodes that explore common friendship struggles, each with a special QR code for easy access.

Topics include:

• What to do when a friend is being mean

• Making new friends

• Joining a group

Or, your child can choose any five episodes from the podcast to listen to (there are over 100 episodes to choose from!) and use the printable Listening Log to track their progress.

Because the episodes are brief, listening is easy to fit into everyday moments, such as on a car ride, while coloring, during quiet time, or even as part of a screen-free bedtime routine.

Download the Listening Log Here

Children who complete the challenge will receive a short video message from me.

Whether your child listens on their own or you listen together, I hope this challenge sparks meaningful conversations and supports your child’s growing friendship skills as they head into the new school year.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen (aka Dr. Friendtastic)

P.S. If you love the podcast and want to support it, please leave a review on your favorite podcast app and/or help your child send in their question!

Hi,

Yesterday evening, when my husband and I went for a walk after dinner, it was positively chilly! I had to wear a fleece jacket. It was a sign that summer is winding down and the hecticness of a new school year is just around the corner.

Sometimes kids tend to wait around hoping someone else will make the first move in starting a friendship. In today’s episode, I focus on how they get things started by showing openness to friendship.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

LEARN MORE

Ep. 85: Fitting in versus being true to yourself (Nev, Age 11)

Ep. 67: Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)

Ep. 52: Friend’s parents don’t like him (Tyler, Age 12)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What does it mean to be open to friendship? Why might kids sometimes NOT be open to friendship?

• Think of a time when you started a friendship. How did you and your friend show that you liked each other and were interested in becoming friends?

• Dr. Friendtastic mentioned two mistakes that kids can make in trying to be kind. What are they? Why are they mistakes? (Hint: How might they lead others to think or feel?)

• What are some signs that another kid wants to be friends with you?

Picture a refrigerator in your mind. What do you imagine? Probably a bland box. Not very interesting.

Now imagine that you open the refrigerator, and see lots of yummy food! What do you see? I imagine a bowl of blackberries–the big, fat, juicy kind! Yum!

So, what does this have to do with friendship? Well, refrigerators have to just stand there, waiting for someone to open them up. But people are not refrigerators! People can choose to open up and invite others to get to know them and maybe become friends. In this episode, I’ll talk about how to do that.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer about making and keeping friends, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

I’ll get back to answering kids’ questions about friendship next week, but today, I want to talk about an important topic, especially as many kids in the Northern Hemisphere are heading back to school, and that is: showing openness to friendship.

Every friendship begins with some sign that two people are interested in becoming friends. So, to make a new friend, we have to communicate that we like that person, and we want to spend time with them and get to know them better. Preschoolers will sometimes ask straight out, “Wanna be my friend?” but older kids usually signal liking less directly. So, what might that look like?

Showing openness to friendship starts with our nonverbal communication. That means what we communicate without words, through our face and body.

Imagine two kids: One is standing off by himself, frowning. His arms are crossed, and he’s looking down, with his back turned toward everyone.

The second kid is near the group, smiling, nodding, looking and listening to what others are saying. Her arms are relaxed, and she’s turned toward others.

Who seems more open to friendship? The second kid, right? Her face and body signal, “I’m ready to connect!” The first kid is communicating, “I don’t want to be here! I don’t like any of you!” He might just feel shy or embarrassed, but he’s signalling, “Stay away from me!”

A quick and easy way to show openness to friendship is to smile when you see someone. That shows you’re happy to see them. You might also want to say hi and add their name, if you know it, to make the greeting more personal.

You could also try offering a sincere compliment. Sincere means you honestly mean it. You could compliment something they’re wearing–“I like your shirt!” or “Cool sneakers!” Or, you could compliment something they did–“Nice catch!” or “I like the way you drew the sky!”

Kids mostly make friends by doing fun things together. You could invite another kid to play a game with you, or you could try to join whatever game they’re playing.

Small kindnesses can be another way to show openness to friendship. This could mean lending a pencil to a classmate, saving them a seat, helping them carry something, or sharing a lunch treat.

But be careful because there are two ways to mess up trying to connect through kindness.

One mistake is to do something that you might think is kind, but the other kid doesn’t. For instance, if you grab or hug someone who doesn’t want to be grabbed or hugged, or if you insist that they have to play only with you when they want to play with others, or if you call them by a name they don’t like, even if you think those actions are kind, they’re not. If the other kid feels uncomfortable with what you’re doing, then it doesn’t count as kindness.

Another possible mistake is to try to buy friends by giving away money or things that matter to you. Other kids will probably take whatever you offer, but they won’t do the same for you, and they could lose respect for you. Going overboard with gifts can come across as desperation rather than openness.

It takes courage to show openness. What if you try to be friendly and someone ignores you or reacts negatively?

That’s possible. But most of the time, if we behave in friendly, open ways, others will respond in friendly, open ways. That can be the start of getting to know each other and maybe even becoming friends.

Being open is also a lot more fun than standing around like a refrigerator, waiting for someone to come by and try to open you up.

I have one more hint for you: In addition to showing openness to friendship, be on the lookout for kids who might be doing the same to you! My guess is that somewhere in that new class, activity, or group you’re joining, there’s a kid who’s waiting to be your friend!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

You may have heard that when your child gets angry, it’s important to help them “let their anger out.”

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

You might even have heard advice that they should punch a pillow to vent their anger.

The thinking goes:
If they don’t release the anger, it will build up and they’ll explode.

The truth is that there’s not a shred of evidence that this is helpful. In fact, acting aggressively when we feel anger tends to rehearse and intensify those angry feelings.

In one classic study, college students received extremely harsh (and fake) feedback on an essay they’d written. Then they were split into three groups:

• One group hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who criticized them.

• Another group hit the punching bag while thinking about exercise.

• The last group just sat quietly for two minutes.

  Here’s what happened:

• The group that vented by focusing on their anger felt angrier and behaved more aggressively afterward.

• The distraction group felt a little less angry but not less aggressive.

• The quiet group? They were the least angry and aggressive of all.
  

To help kids manage anger, it’s helpful to think about how emotions work.

Psychologist James Gross, in his process model of emotions, describes five points where we can intervene:

1. Situation Selection
   Choosing to enter or avoid situations that are likely to trigger certain emotions.

2. Situation Modification
   Changing something about the situation to reduce its emotional impact.

3. Attentional Deployment
   Shifting focus—by distracting yourself or concentrating on something else—to change how you feel.

4. Cognitive Change
   Thinking about the situation differently, or reassessing your ability to handle it.

5. Response Modulation

   Doing things to change the emotional reaction after it’s happened.

We can help children with every step of the emotion regulation process.

Let’s say your child gets angry at a sibling who knocked over their carefully built block tower. Every point in that chain, from the lead-up to the aftermath, is an opportunity for support.

For example:

1. Situation Selection might mean making sure your child isn’t already tired or hungry, which can lower their threshold for frustration.

2. Situation Modification could involve suggesting your child build the tower in a spot where it’s less likely to be disturbed.

3. Attentional Deployment might look like offering a snack or stepping outside to shift focus away from the fallen tower.

4. Cognitive Change could help your child see that their sibling didn’t mean to knock it over, or that they could rebuild it even better.

5. Response Modulation might mean guiding your child to take a deep breath then “use their words” to ask the sibling to be more careful or to help clean up.
   

The first four steps are considered antecedent-focused strategies, targeting the generation of emotions. The final step, response-focused regulation, happens after the emotion is in full swing.

It’s usually easier to manage emotions earlier rather than later in this process.

Seen this way, it makes sense why something like punching a pillow doesn’t actually help. It skips right past the situation, the thoughts, and the build-up, focusing only on the physical actions that have zero positive impact on the situation.

So how do we teach our kids to manage their emotions, especially something as intense as anger?

Here are a few principles to keep in mind:

When children are very angry, they may lash out in aggressive ways.

If you weren’t able to prevent the situation, the first step is helping your child step away to cool down. This also helps keep things from escalating further.

Children who are out of control need you to step in gently – but firmly – to make sure they don’t hurt someone or break things.

That calm intervention is the first step toward helping them regain control.

Once your child has calmed down enough to think clearly, give them a chance to tell you what happened.

A study by Wainryb and colleagues found that just talking through an upsetting situation helped kids and teens feel less angry, not just in the moment, but even a week later.

Telling the story helps kids slow down and engage the thinking part of their brain.

Start with empathy by just echoing your child’s thoughts or feelings, so your child feels heard and comforted. Then, when you see the softening in your child’s face and body, you can ask questions to help them reflect and move forward:

• “What are some reasons she might have done that, besides trying to be mean?”

• “What could you say to him?”

• “How is she likely to react if you do that?”

• “What can we do to prevent this from happening again?”

• “What could you do to make things a little bit better right now?”

When we respond to anger with gentleness and compassion, we help kids feel safe enough to explore what happened and what they can do now or next time.

Annoyingly, children learn more from what we do than what we say. So, we have to do our best to set good examples for them.

If we respond to our own anger with yelling or being harsh, we’re teaching our kids that those reactions are acceptable ways to handle anger.

Of course, everyone feels angry sometimes. The goal isn’t to be perfectly calm all the time, but to show our kids that it’s possible to feel angry and still treat others with respect.

Helping kids manage anger isn’t about snapping them out of it – it’s about teaching them how to understand the full experience of what they’re feeling and make good choices about how they want to respond to or communicate about their experiences.

That means helping them notice what’s going on around them, observing the full range of their feelings and the thoughts that contribute to them, and also considering how their actions might affect others.

The idea of “punching a pillow” suggests that anger is something to get rid of.

It’s not.

Anger, like all emotions, is a source of information about ourselves and our environment. Anger tells us we feel blocked or thwarted from getting what we want, or that something seems unfair. Anger can give us the energy to speak up or defend ourselves or others. But feeling angry doesn’t mean we get to lash out at anyone around us.

Sometimes kids complain, “I can’t help it! I can’t control my anger!” Feelings aren’t the same as behavior. Intense feelings can seem overwhelming, and all of us have less self-control when we’re tired or hungry. At the same time, if a friend or admired teacher were watching, chances are your child might feel angry but probably wouldn’t behave in hurtful ways.

Our job is to help kids recognize and understand their feelings, communicate about them, and respond in ways that make their lives better.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Hi,

Forgiveness is complicated! It’s hard to give, and sometimes even harder to receive. We can’t force someone to forgive us.

In this week’s episode, Thea raises issues about forgiveness and also about boy-girl friendshjips. Let me know what youe rhink!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

LEARN MORE

Ep 107 - Secrets to self-control in friends (Alex, age 10)

Ep 97 - How and why to understand a friend’s feelings (Zoya, age 5)

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., age 11)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Sometimes kids try to hide what they think or feel because other kids are teasing them. Have you ever been in that situation? What do you think are some good ways to handle teasing?

• Why is it important to apologize when you’ve made a mistake with a friend? (Hint: What does the apology communicate to the friend?)

• Have you ever forgiven a friend for a mistake? Have you ever not been able to forgive a friend?

• Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. How are they different?

• What is self-forgiveness? Why is it important? How is self-forgiveness different from not caring about how your actions affect others?

Have you ever made a mistake with a friend? Of course you have! We all have!

Usually, we can get past a friendship rough spot by apologizing, doing what we can to make the situation right, and trying not to make the same mistake again.

But what if you’ve done all that, and your friend won’t forgive you? Ouch. That stings.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, I’m Thea. I'm 10 years old. I live in Cyprus, and I want to ask you, how can I earn my friend back? Like, so one day at school, I had to like say something really mean because I felt like if I didn't say it, everybody would make fun of me. And one day, I said in front of everybody–even him–that I hate him. And now I feel so ashamed. And I felt like it didn't do anything; it was just words. But to this day, I feel like he doesn't want to be my friend, and I don't know if it was because of that or something else. How can I tell him I'm sorry, that I apologize, even though I already apologized, and he said no, and I don't know what to do to make up for it.

Hi, Thea. Wow, that sounds like a complicated situation! My guess is that kids were teasing you about liking this boy romantically, and you felt embarrassed, so you just blurted out, “No, I hate him!” That’s not how you really felt; you just wanted them to stop teasing you!

By the way, it’s absolutely possible for boys and girls to be friends without any romantic involvement. In fact, that’s very healthy and a great model for adult relationships. So the teasers were being silly and nosy. It’s not their job to define your relationships!

But let’s try to imagine how your friend felt in that moment. He might also have felt uncomfortable about the teasing. He might have felt hurt and confused by your comment about hating him and also angry and embarrassed about having an audience of other kids hear your remark.

So, what can you do?

If someone is teasing you by saying, “Is he your boyfriend?!?!”, you could say, in a neutral tone of voice, “No, we’re just pals,” or “We’re buddies.” If they persist in teasing you, you could act puzzled and say, “You seem unusually concerned about my relationship. Are you trying to date him?” I bet that would end the conversation quickly.

But the more important issue is your friendship.

It sounds like you apologized right away, which is great, but maybe your friend needed more time to cool off. Maybe what you apologized for was not his main concern. Or maybe the rift reflects that he’s fed up with being teased about your friendship.

You may want to try reaching out to him, in a friendly way, when there’s not an audience of other kids around. What did you do together before the rift? Maybe you could say, “I miss hanging out with you. Do you want to ride bikes together tomorrow?” or “Do you want to come over and play basketball this afternoon?”

If that feels like too big of a step, you could try giving a sincere compliment or asking an interested question beginning with What or How, to gently reconnect. You could say, “I like how you did the background in your painting!” or “How’s your dog?” or “What do you think of the new Marvel movie?” You could also try doing a small kindness for him, like helping him or sharing something with him.

Once you’ve reconnected by having fun–or at least a pleasant interaction–you might want to apologize again. Be careful not to make excuses or tell him it’s no big deal because maybe it is a big deal for him. On the flip side, you also don’t have to put yourself down or beg for his forgiveness. Just say, “I’m sorry for saying I hated you. I didn’t mean it.’ You could also ask, “Is there anything else I’ve done that bothers you?”

Unfortunately, we can’t force people to forgive us or want to be with us. I don’t know if you’re going to be able to rebuild this friendship, but if it was a good friendship before, it’s worth a try.

Whether he softens toward you or continues to shut you out, there’s one more thing you need to work on, and that’s forgiving yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is what happens next. What have you learned from this incident? How do you want to move forward?

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi,

Summer can mean more time to hang out with friends…or a lot less. Children often can’t control how often they get together with friends.

In this week’s episode, Matilda wonders what to do when she can’t see her friend all week! I offer some ideas for staying close long distance, but also talk about how time apart can sometimes strengthen a friendship.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Did you see the announcement about the Moody Moody Cars - Summer Car-Spotting Challenge?! So much fun! So many prizes! Hurry! The challenge ends July 31, 2025.

LEARN MORE

Ep. 97 - How and why to understand a friend’s feelings (Zoya, Age 7)

Ep. 92 - What to say when a friend feels down (Mason, Age 13)

Ep. 76 - Friends ditch her! (Anaya, Age 10)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Have you ever been apart from a friend, maybe because they moved away, went on vacation, or were in a different class? How did that affect your friendship? What did you do to try to stay close?

• In general, how often do you like to get together with a friend? What do you think is the ideal length of time to hang out with a friend? Why do you like that timing

• What are some ways that being apart can strengthen a friendship?

• What do you like to do when you can’t get together with a friend?

What is the ideal distance between you and a friend?

Is it stuck together like velcro?

Is it arm’s distance apart so you can chat?

Is it 20 feet apart so you can play catch?

That’s a trick question because there’s no one right answer. The ideal distance between you and a friend depends on you, your friend, your relationship, your situation, your culture…and probably a whole bunch of other things!

Friends need to be close enough to have fun and share activities, thoughts, and feelings with each other, but far enough apart that they can have their own experiences.

And what if your friend is far away? Can you still be close?

In today’s episode, we’ll talk about navigating closeness and distance in friendships. Stay tuned!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hey, Dr. Friendtastic. My name is Matilda, and I'm 5 years old. What do I do when I can't see my friend all week?

Hi, Matilda! Thanks for sending in your question! Spending time with friends is an important way to enjoy each other’s company and to deepen your friendships. Just like watering a plant regularly helps it grow, doing fun things together helps friendships grow.

So, when you can’t be with your friend as much as you’d like, you might feel sad, disappointed, bored, or maybe worried that she might be spending time with someone else!

Even though you can’t be together, you may be able to figure out other ways to connect, like calling, messaging, or mailing her a letter or drawing.

But here’s something you might not realize: time apart can also be important for friendships. Going back to our watering a plant example, what would happen if you watered a plant all day, every day with a giant fire hose? The plant would not be happy! It would drown.

In the same way, although it seems like fun, spending all day, every day with your friend could be too much of a good thing. When people are around each other all the time, sometimes they get on each other’s nerves.

Time apart from a friend gives you both time to miss each other and look forward to being together. It also gives you time to have separate experiences, so you can grow as an individual and also have more to share or talk about when you get together with your friend.

So, what can you do when you can’t see your friend all week? The answer is: there are lots of possibilities!

You could play with someone else to expand your social circle.

You could try out a new game or hobby.

You could learn a new skill.

You could read.

You could explore.

You could make something.

You could help someone.

And when you are able to see your friend, you’ll have lots to share with her!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.