Dr. Friendtastic for Parents

Hi there,

Arrogance is off-putting. So is self-denigration.

In this week’s episode, Sofia wants to know what to do when her friend puts herself down. The answer depends on why (and how often!) this happens. This question brings up some complicated issues: true versus false humility, how to get reassurance when we need it, how to comfort a friend who isn’t kind to themselves, and when to get an adult involved.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Leave a comment

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. I’m especially looking for more questions from boys! If your son has a question about making or keeping friends, please send it in!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 92 - What to say when a friend is feeling down (Mason. Age 13)

Ep. 50 - A common belief that blocks friendship

Ep. 53 - How to stay calm when someone is bragging (Lillian, Age 11)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some reasons why kids might say negative things about themselves?

• How could it hurt a friendship if someone keeps putting themselves down?

• What does “fishing for compliments” mean? Why is it NOT a good idea?

• If you were feeling uncertain or unconfident about yourself and wanted some reassurance from a friend, what could you say to ask for that reassurance?

• If a friend criticizes themselves, how could you figure out if it’s just temporary upset, a bad habit, or a serious problem? How could you respond to each of these?

Transcript

How does it make you feel when you hear someone bragging? It’s annoying, right? Bragging is arrogant because it implies, “I’m better than you!” This is not a good way to make or keep friends.

On the other hand, sometimes kids put themselves down and say things that imply, “I’m worse than you!” This can also be annoying and hurt friendships.

Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question.

Hi, my name is Sofia. I’m 12 years old, and my question is, how do I deal with a friend who is down on herself?

Hi, Sofia! Thanks for sending in this interesting question!

Humility, or being humble, is an important but often misunderstood topic.

When we’re truly humble, we recognize that everyone has worth and deserves to be treated with kindness, including ourselves. We’re also open to learning and growing because we recognize that no one is perfect, including ourselves.

I like the author, Rick Warren’s definition of humility: He writes, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.”

So, putting yourself down is not true humility. It’s unkind and unhelpful. True humility is about caring for everyone.

Let’s try to imagine why your friend might be putting herself down.

Sometimes, it’s just a temporary reaction to a difficult situation. Maybe she forgot her lunch or messed up on her math test, and she says, “Oh, I’m so dumb!” That’s not a kind comment, but maybe she said it because she doesn’t know better ways to express her feelings.

If you think that’s what’s happening, you could try naming and acknowledging her feelings. For instance, you could say to her, “You’re feeling frustrated because you left your lunchbox at home,” or “You’re feeling discouraged because you didn’t do as well as you wanted on the test.” These comments step past the put-down and turn the conversation toward what’s really important, which is how she’s feeling right now. It feels good to be heard and understood, so by acknowledging your friend’s feelings, you’re helping her to feel supported.

Sometimes kids put themselves down because they’re looking for reassurance. For instance, they might say, “I’m so ugly!” because they’re hoping someone will say, “No, you’re not! You’re pretty! You’re the prettiest!” That’s called fishing for compliments.

Probably all of us could use some reassurance or a little pep talk from a friend at some point. Instead of making negative comments and hoping someone will magically read our minds to know we want some reassurance, a better strategy is to ask directly for what we want. For example, you could say, “I’m feeling self-conscious about this outfit. I don’t know if it works on me. What do you think?” That’s honest communication that can lead to useful feedback and a greater sense of closeness between friends.

Sometimes, kids put themselves down out of habit because they think they’re supposed to do that to seem humble. For instance, if someone gives them a compliment on their drawing, they might say, “Oh, no, it’s really not good at all! Anyone could do that! Yours is so much better!” All of those comments insult the complimenter’s taste! The correct answer when someone gives you a compliment is, “Thank you.”

If you think your friend doesn’t really believe the negative things she says about herself, and she’s just fishing for compliments or saying those put-downs out of habit, you could tell her, “It’s not okay to say mean things about my friend.” Then change the subject. This is a way of sticking up for your friend when she’s not sticking up for herself.

It’s also possible that your friend is putting herself down for self-protection. Maybe she thinks no one else will criticize her if she criticizes herself, first. That can backfire because if you keep telling people you’re not good in some way, they might come to believe you!

Sometimes it becomes a pattern in friend groups where everyone insults each other. It’s easy for this to get out of hand and cross the line from light-hearted to hurtful. Good friendships feel safe. If you think the teasing between you and your friend or, more broadly, in your friendship group might have gotten out of hand, you might want to apologize. You could say, “I’m sorry for teasing you about that. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or make you feel uncomfortable. I won’t do that anymore.”

There is another possibility, which is that your friend might be struggling with serious, long-lasting feelings of self-doubt or self-dislike. If that’s the case, try to help her find a grown-up she can confide in. If she refuses, and especially if you’re worried she might hurt herself, then you should find a grown-up you trust to talk to about your concerns.

What if you’re not sure why your friend keeps putting herself down? Ask her! You could say, “I’ve noticed you often make negative comments about yourself. What’s that about?” You could also add, “It makes me feel uncomfortable because I like you, and I don’t like hearing mean comments about you–even from you!!”

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Your child finally does well at something. You’ve been waiting for this. Surely, this will be the thing that convinces them to have confidence in themselves! You praise your kid effusively. You comment on their effort and perseverance! You enthusiastically tell them, “I knew you could do it!”

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

And your kid shrugs.

I wrote about this in Kid Confidence:

Kids with low self-esteem are experts at dismissing and discounting their victories.

They’ll tell you it wasn’t that good. Anybody could have done it. And besides, they messed up the part you didn’t even notice.

You were counting on that win to do some work for you, and it did nothing.

Where the win goes and why more wins won’t fix your kid’s self-esteem

A child who believes they’re not good enough has nowhere to put a success. It doesn’t match the story, so they file it away as luck, and the story stays put.

People with low self-esteem get more anxious after a win than after a loss. [Wood et al. 2005] The loss was expected, whereas the win means people might expect it again.

Success usually doesn’t penetrate low self-esteem, because it’s hard to absorb and feels threatening for people who are used to viewing themselves as inadequate.

The researcher behind that study calls it snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Focusing on performance keeps your child’s attention on the subject they’re hardest on: themselves.

The goal isn't to convince your child they’re great. Instead, you want to shift their attention away from judging themselves toward something bigger — like learning or contributing, or caring.

Easier said than done. I know.

That’s why my book, Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem dives deeply into the many ways kids can doubt themselves and the parent responses that actually help. Use the link below to check it out and read an excerpt.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Kid Confidence

Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem

This book helps you learn how to respond when your self-doubting child insists nobody likes them, when they quit before they start, when they’re afraid to make decisions. There’s a chapter for each of these and so much more.

GET KID CONFIDENCE

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Hi there,

I'm away one more week, but I thought you might enjoy an older episode (Ep. 108) about why some kids feel more anxious than others, and what helps.

With Halloween a week away, "scary" is in the air. But Halloween scares can be fun. Kids can choose them, and they can walk away whenever they want.

For some kids, it’s much scarier to walk into a birthday party they were invited to and not know what to expect, or to go up to a group of kids at recess. There’s no costume to hide behind, and avoiding those situations doesn’t make them any easier. This episode is about that kind of scared.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 95 - Handling embarrassing moments (Sara, Age 7)

Ep. 112 - How to Show Openness to Friendship

Ep. 72 - Making friends in a new school (Nora, Age 8)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll also get access to the entire archive of articles for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What were you afraid of when you were younger but aren’t afraid of now? How did you become unafraid of that?

• Think of a time when you felt anxious in a social situation. What thoughts were going through your mind (i.e., what were you afraid might happen)? How did you handle the situation?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “Feeling anxious can lead them to avoid social situations, but that guarantees they’re not going to build the friendships they want.” How could you explain that in your own words?

• There are two main ways to cope with anxiety: Jump right in or go in toe-by-toe. Which do you generally prefer and why?

Transcript

What scares you?

According to one study, about four out of every ten kids are at least a little bit afraid of animals. About three out of ten are afraid of the dark, and two out of ten are afraid of monsters.

As kids get older, they tend to become less afraid of things like monsters and more worried about social situations, like being around people they don’t know well or speaking up in class.

In this episode, we’re going to talk about anxiety, and how it can impact friendship. Stay tuned.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

I’m on vacation this Saturday to celebrate my husband’s and my anniversary, but I thought you might enjoy hearing a replay of an older episode this week.

Here it is:

Hi, my name is Katie, and I'm 7 years old. I have a question: Why do some kids get more anxious than other kids? Thank you.

Hi, Katie! Thanks for sending in your question! Everyone feels anxious sometimes! Anxiety is that nervous, jittery feeling that happens when you wonder, “What if something bad happens?” Fear is a response to something specific that’s happening right now. Anxiety is similar to fear, but it tends to be more vague and long-lasting, focused on things that could happen.

Some kids are born with a tendency to feel more anxious, more often. Some kids develop anxiety because of difficult experiences they’ve had. Either way, the important thing to understand is that you don’t have to stay stuck feeling anxious!

How do you feel when you first jump into a pool? Usually, your reaction is, “Ohmigosh, the water’s freezing!” But what happens if you stay in the water? You get used to it! Does the water temperature change? No! What changes is your perception of the water — how it seems to you.

Anxiety works the same way. If you approach a situation you’re anxious about (that’s not actually dangerous), and you stay in it or do it a bunch of times, you’ll get used to it. It will seem easier to handle.

A related principle is: No amount of standing by the edge of the pool will help you get used to the water. So if you avoid the situations you’re anxious about, it’s not going to get any easier to face them.

Now the type of anxiety that’s most relevant for friendship is what’s called social anxiety. This happens when kids are anxious about being around other kids, especially ones they don’t know well, because they’re afraid of doing something wrong or dumb and being laughed at or rejected.

Maybe they’ve had a bad experience in the past, where kids were mean to them, so they’re afraid of that happening again. Maybe they feel awkward or shy or don’t know how to connect with other kids. Feeling anxious can lead them to avoid social situations, but that guarantees they’re not going to build the friendships they want. And the more they avoid them, the scarier those situations will seem. Withdrawing from others can even turn into a habit.

So, what could you do if you want to become less anxious in social situations? Well, you could just jump in! Go to that club meeting or lacrosse try-out or class party even though you feel anxious! It probably won’t be as hard as you think it will be, and with practice, it will likely become easier.

Or, if you want to get used to the water toe-by-toe, that’s fine. I’m definitely a toe-by-toe person myself. You could start small, maybe by offering friendly greetings to people you know, and work your way up to talking with them, playing with them, and eventually inviting them to do something with you.

It might also help to get some guidance from a caring adult about what you could do or not do that might help you connect with other kids. For instance, to give a friendly greeting, you should start by looking the person in the eyes, or, if that’s uncomfortable, you could look them in the forehead, between the eyebrows. Then you should smile to show you’re happy to see them, say hi, and say their name to make the greeting personal. You might want to practice this with family members before trying it out with other kids.

Anxiety is not a stop signal. It’s a sign you’re doing something new and challenging. Good for you! That’s how we grow!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Self-help gurus and inspirational articles often claim we have to love ourselves to live a happy, fulfilling life.

This is nonsense.

How many people honestly stand in front of a mirror thinking, “Gosh, I love myself!”?

And if they do, would you want to be friends with those people? Probably not.

Logically, it makes sense that kids who feel better about themselves ought to do better in life, but that’s not what research finds. Roy Baumeister at Florida State University and his colleagues conducted a very thorough research review and concluded that higher self-esteem is not linked to better school performance or healthier relationships.

The suffering of self-doubting kids is real. But the usual remedies, designed to boost self-esteem don’t help. Praise doesn’t work. Protecting self-image tends to backfire. Repeating affirmations about how great you are absolutely doesn't help.

They all fail for one reason

All of these strategies involve increased self-focus. They encourage kids with low self-esteem to think about and evaluate themselves, which they always do harshly.

So the real question isn’t how to raise your child’s opinion of herself. It’s how to take her attention off the subject altogether.

Three fundamental needs

So, how do we help kids with low self-esteem step beyond self-focus so they can let go of their harsh self-evaluations?

Extensive research by Richard Ryan and Edward Deci and their colleagues at the University of Rochester shows that the key to genuine self-esteem lies in addressing children’s fundamental needs for Connection, Competence, and Choice.

Connection involves building meaningful and satisfying relationships that create a sense of belonging.

Competence refers to embracing learning and developing mastery.

Choice is about making decisions that reflect personal values.

None of those require your child to think about themselves and conclude that they’re wonderful. They’re all about connecting with something bigger than the self.

The shift

Knowing the three needs is one thing. Knowing what to do in real life, in the moment your kid is struggling with self-doubt, is another.

The Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Build Real Self-Esteem course is your guide to putting them into practice — turning Connection, Competence, and Choice into what you say and do, in lessons short enough to get through all at once, or to sneak into small pockets of free time.

Don’t miss out: It’s $75 through tonight, October 19, and it includes the bonus guide, What to Say When Your Child Feels Down or Discouraged.

GET THE KID CONFIDENCE COURSE - $75

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

I’m away for a couple of weeks, but I thought you might enjoy an older episode (Ep. 125) about what kids can do when they’re not picked to play on a team at recess. Watching your child get left out is one of the harder parts of parenting! Let me know what you think in the comments.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Kid Confidence is $75 through Monday, October 19

Trying to boost your child’s confidence directly often backfires. Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Build Real Self-Esteem is a self-paced, online course that shows you what actually works — practical ways to help your child develop genuine self-esteem from the inside out.

Regularly $99. $75 through Monday, October 19.

GET THE KID CONFIDENCE COURSE

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 124 - How to Join Kids Playing (Amelia, Age 8)

Ep. 98 - How to join a group when not everyone wants you in (Jessica, Age 9)

Ep. 7 – Emma, Age 11: Friend is a poor sport

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll also get access to the entire archive of articles for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some ways to pick teams that are fair and kind to everyone?

• Why is it sometimes hard for kids to be a good sport?

• How do you decide who to play with at recess? (Hint: What might make you choose to try to join one group of kids but not another?)

• Have you ever “started the fun” at recess? If so, what did you do? If not, what fun game or activity could you try to start with other kids?

Transcript

A tongue twister is a set of words or phrases that are difficult to say quickly and correctly. Have you ever tried saying this one?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Oof! That’s hard! A peck is about 9 liquid quarts, but I’m not sure what pickled peppers are, or why or how Peter Piper picked them, or why he lost them.

So, let’s talk about picking friends. Stay tuned.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

I’m on vacation this Saturday and next Saturday to celebrate my husband’s and my anniversary, but I thought you might enjoy hearing a replay of an older episode.

Here it is:

Hi, I’m Charlie, age 9. The kids will not pick me at recess to play on their team. What can I do?

Hi, Charlie. Thanks for sending in your question! Ouch! It’s no fun to be excluded. My guess is you’re feeling sad, frustrated, and maybe also mad at the kids who aren’t picking you to be on their team.

It always helps to try to imagine other people’s point of view. Maybe the reason they’re not including you has nothing to do with how they feel about you. Maybe they need an even number of players for both teams, and including you would mean one team would have too many people. If that’s the case, you could find another way to be involved, like bringing back the ball if it goes out of bounds, or find someone else to play with that day.

Maybe they’re not including you because they’re focused on winning, so they pick the most athletic kids for their team, and that’s not you. That doesn’t feel great, but it’s also not personal. In that case, it might help to practice the game at home to improve your skills, or, again, you could find a different role or a different game.

Maybe they’re not including you because they don’t know you very well. If you think that’s what’s going on, it might help to be friendly and kind to these kids during class or at lunch, as well as at recess. If they feel more comfortable with you, it might be easier for them to include you. But remember, not everyone is going to want to be your friend, and that’s okay. You have many options.

There’s another possibility which is hard but important to think about: Is it possible you might have accidentally done something that led these kids to think if they included you, you might wreck their game? If you did, that’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. The good news is that means the problem is in your control! Now, you need to figure out what might have bothered or upset the other kids, so you can address the problem.

For instance, sometimes kids try to join by interrupting the game. They might run off with the ball, block players or get in their way, make fun of players, or barge into the middle of an on-going game, instead of joining at the start. Those actions would get attention, but only negative attention because the other kids would feel annoyed.

Sometimes kids have trouble being a good sport. They might argue, sulk, yell, or accuse others of cheating if they start to lose or things don’t go their way. They might break the rules or try to change the rules in the middle of a game. All of those actions would be frustrating for the other kids, and they could decide it’s eaier not to include the person who is being a poor sport.

If you think your past actions are making kids not want to play with you, try to figure out specifically what it is that the other kids didn’t like. Then, you might want to apologize and promise you won’t do those things again, or you could try to figure out a better way to handle those situations, and do that if you get another chance to play. You may have to be patient and give it time to let those old misbehaviors fade in their memories.

There’s one other thing you could try. You could be the kid who starts the fun. If your school allows it, you could bring in a hacky sack or a frisbee–something you could play with, with other kids. Look around for someone who’s playing by themselves, and see if they want to join you. If the two of you are having fun together, maybe that’s good enough, or maybe other kids will want to join you!

To be included, you need to make wise choices about which kids you want to try to play with and then make sure that you’re good company, adding to the fun!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Imagine a student who’s afraid that he will do badly on a test.

A healthy coping strategy would be to start studying early, so he has plenty of time to go over old quizzes and homework assignments, and ask for extra help from the teacher.

So why doesn’t he?

What’s actually happening

If the student is focused on protecting his self-esteem, he won’t do any of those because he won’t want to look or feel “dumb.” Instead, he’ll put off studying until the last minute.

That way, if he performs poorly on the test, he can protect his self-esteem by telling himself, “I didn’t have enough time to study! I could have done better if I tried!” That’s called self-handicapping.

From the outside, this looks like laziness. It’s the opposite.

It’s a child working hard to keep a bad result from meaning something about who he is.

It isn’t just homework

Jennifer Crocker and her colleagues at the University of Michigan point out many self-defeating strategies to guard self-esteem, including cheating, lying, hiding mistakes, making excuses, avoiding challenges, blaming or looking down on others, and responding angrily to criticism.

Trying to “look good” can sometimes bring out the worst in people!

When kids focus on protecting or increasing their self-esteem, it can backfire and set them up for failure.

Trying to be “amazing” can lead them to seek applause or hide flaws rather than acting with integrity and authenticity or focusing on genuine learning and progress.

Turning off self-focus enough gives kids some breathing room to grow.

When children can ease away from constant self-evaluation, they’re freer to empathize with others, engage in learning, and identify with values that are important to them.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

P.S. If you’ve been puzzled by a child who lies about small things, or melts down at the gentlest correction, Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Build Real Self-Esteem can help. It’s on sale at $75 through October 19th, and the bonus guide goes away with it.

GET THE KID CONFIDENCE COURSE - $75

Hi there,

A middle school girl I worked with finally found the courage to tell me her deepest fear. Her body was so tense, it was practically vibrating.

“What if I grow up to be ordinary?” she said.

I don’t remember what I said, but I remember very vividly what I thought, which was, “Oh, Honey, we’re all ordinary…except to the people who love us!”

But, the fear this girl expressed—the idea that she’s either amazing, or she’s worthless—is one that I see often in my work as a clinical psychologist. Somehow she, like many other clients I’ve seen, equated self-worth with being impressive.

What parents notice first

I frequently hear from parents that their kids struggle with low self-esteem. Their children might seem outwardly confident, but parents see the pain that comes when their kids suffer from an unrelenting preoccupation with judging themselves.

Parents worry when they see their children cry over a less-than-perfect grade, fret that something they said might seem weird, frantically avoid any situation where they might not instantly excel, or viciously criticize themselves when they fall short in some way.

The painful treadmill of having to prove self-worth

These parents are picking up on the fragility of their children’s self-worth. If they perform well, their kids feel good about themselves…but only for a moment because there’s always another task they see as a measure of their worth. Jennifer Crocker and her colleagues call this “contingent self-esteem.” Kids (and adults!) can get caught on an endless treadmill, constantly having to prove their worth through accomplishments or other signs of external approval.

This makes children terribly vulnerable. If they struggle to learn something, make a mistake, face a setback, or just encounter someone who performs better than they do, they feel hopelessly flawed.

How you help your child step off the treadmill

This is what my course, Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Build Real Self-Esteem, is for. About an hour, in short lessons, on what actually helps a self-doubting child let go of the question “Am I good enough?” This is not about encouraging mediocrity. It is about turning down the volume on self-focus and self-judgment by connecting with something bigger than ourselves.

The course is $75 through Monday, October 19, and everyone who joins during the sale also gets my guide What to Say When Your Child Feels Down or Discouraged, which isn’t available afterward.

GET THE KID CONFIDENCE COURSE - $75

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

Maybe you've heard one of these from your child lately:

"I can't do anything right!"

"Nobody likes me!"

"I'm the worst kid in the world!"

Hearing the children we love make such viciously self-critical comments is heartbreaking. Our first instinct is to rush to contradict them. "That's not true, Honey!" we exclaim.

Trying to reassure our kids, we quickly offer example after example of their talent and specialness. But the more we tell our self-doubting kids, "You're wonderful!", the harder they argue, "I'm terrible!"

No matter how sincere and well-meaning our pep talks are, they just never seem to sink in when our children are struggling with low self-esteem.

Self-esteem boosting strategies
don't work

Many obvious strategies to help kids with low self-esteem just don't work. For instance, telling kids they are wonderful can make kids with low self-esteem feel worse.

In one study, researchers had kids play a computer game. After a practice round, some of them got a message that said, "Wow, you're great!" Then everyone played for real. Among the kids who lost, those told "You're great" felt more ashamed afterward than those who hadn't heard it. That was especially true for the kids who already doubted themselves.

Hearing they were "great" can leave kids with low self-esteem feeling worthless, inferior, or exposed when their actions don't live up to the praise.

What real self-esteem looks like

Real self-esteem isn’t about believing we are amazing or impressive or better than others. Real self-esteem means being able to let go of the question, “Am I good enough?” by turning down the volume on self-focus and self-judgment.

Think about how you feel when you get together with a close friend. You’re not sitting there wondering, “Does my friend like me?” or “Is my friend impressed by me?” or even “Is my friend going to dump me?”

Those questions don’t even come up because you’re not thinking about yourself. Instead, you’re focused on the conversation or activity with this friend, which brings a satisfying sense of ease and comfort.

That's the ease we want for our kids.

What can help

Knowing that telling self-doubting kids they’re great backfires is useful. Knowing what to do instead is more useful.

That’s what this month’s featured workshop – Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Build Real Self-Esteem – is here to help with.

It's a self-paced online course — 9 short lessons plus a Q&A session, about an hour total — with practical tips for instilling genuine self-esteem in self-doubting children.

It's on sale for $75 through October 19th, down from the usual $99. Everyone who joins during the sale also gets my guide, What to Say When Your Child Feels Down or Discouraged, which isn't available afterward.

GET KID CONFIDENCE FOR $75

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

The problem with friends is that they don’t always do exactly what we want them to do. This is annoying. And sometimes hurtful. But it doesn’t have to be the end of a friendship.

In this week’s podcast, Hazel wants to know what to do when her best friend doesn’t want to play with her. Does that make her friend a bad friend?

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Leave a comment

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. I’m especially looking for more questions from boys! If your son has a question about making or keeping friends, please send it in!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 143 - Friend won’d play the game he likes (Akiva, Age 5)

Ep. 127 - Friend wants space (Sloane, Age 6)

Ep. 5 - Friend doesn’t do what I want (Edith, Age 8)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What does friction mean? Why is it always part of friendship?

• What do you expect from a close friend (versus a stranger)? What could you do if a friend doesn’t meet those expectations?

• When (not if) a friend does something you don’t like, why is it NOT helpful to assume that means they are a mean and terrible friend?

• Why is it not a good idea to insist that a friend always has to play only with you? (Hint: How might that make the friend feel?)

• How could caring about a friend help smooth out friction between the two of you?

Transcript

Imagine that you’re wearing ice skates and trying to slide along a concrete sidewalk. That would be hard to do because the friction, or resistance, between the concrete and your skates would be large. (Don’t actually try that because it would wreck your skates!)

Now imagine that you’re wearing your skates and trying to slide on an ice rink. Easy peasy. There’s much less friction between your skates and the ice, so you can glide easily. Plus, the thin layer of water melting on top of the ice acts as a lubricant, reducing friction and making things extra slidey.

There’s always some friction between friends. Most of the time you might be gliding along smoothly, but because you are separate people, at some point your friend is likely to resist what you want or even want to move in an entirely different direction. How you handle that friction can determine whether your friendship lasts.

Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s hear today’s question:

Hi, my name is Hazel, and I’m 6-and-a-half-years old, and my question is, what do I do if my best friend doesn’t play with me?

Hi, Hazel! Thanks for sending in your question. My guess is that you felt angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, and maybe also lonely when your best friend didn’t play with you.

Because she’s your best friend, you probably expected that she would want to play with you. Most of the time, she probably does. Why do you think she didn’t want to play with you that day?

One possibility is that she is a mean and terrible friend because she didn’t do what you expect her to do!

Hmmm. That doesn’t make sense. It’s entirely possible for someone to be a good and caring friend and also want to do something different than you want to do.

Another possibility is that she likes a certain game that you don’t like. Or maybe she wanted to play with certain other kids because she likes them, and she hasn’t played with them in a while. She could still be a good and caring friend even if she has different interests than you or other friends, besides you.

It’s also possible that she was mad at you about something and needed a little break to cool off. If that were the case, you probably would have seen other signs that she was upset with you. If you think she’s mad at you, it might help to apologize or at least try to understand things from her point of view, and figure out together how to solve the problem moving forward.

But if you don’t think she’s mad at you, what can you do? One thing you definitely don’t want to do is yell at her and insist that she can only play with you. Nobody likes to feel controlled, so that would make her not want to be around you!

Your best bet, if she says she wants to play with someone else, is either to join her or just say, “Okay” and find someone else to play with that day.

Your friend wanting to play with someone else is disappointing, but it doesn’t have to break your friendship.

Being close friends is about caring for each other. One way to express that caring is to spend time together. But another way to express caring is to be generous and give your friend the freedom to do what she wants sometimes, even if it’s not exactly what you want.

Caring for your friend, and trusting that she cares about you, is what can help you smooth over any friction between you.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Occasionally, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I do an episode without a kid question when there’s a topic I think is important, but it hasn’t come up in any kid questions.

In this week’s episode, I talk about what we owe people who our not our friends.

There’s a popular saying that goes “You don’t owe anyone anything!” I strongly disagree. We are all interconnected. Our actions affect not only our close relationships but also our communities.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Leave a comment

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get access to all parent posts. Plus, your support helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down to see related episodes, discussion questions, and a transcript PLUS how to submit YOUR child’s question about friendship!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 154 - Friends say she’s bossy, but they’re bossy (Lola, Age 8)

Ep. 141 - Can we be friends with anyone? (Michael, Age 9)

Ep. 71 - Is she a friend or not? (Tali, Age 11)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Sometimes kids think they only have to be kind to people they know and like. What could you say to argue against that idea?

• What do you expect from a close friend? What do you expect from someone who is not your friend? How and why are these expectations different?

• Why would it be unkind to have a party and invite everyone in a group except one person? What could you do instead?

• What is an empathy blindspot?

• How might being mean to someone end up hurting you?

Transcript

If you wanted to build a human pyramid with six people, here’s what you’d do: You’d have three people get down on their hands and knees, side by side, very close together. Next, you’d have two people balance on the backs of the bottom three people, also on their hands and knees. Finally, you’d have one person climb onto the backs of the two middle people, and balance on their hands and knees.

Only try this if you’re on a soft surface and there are people around to help if someone falls.

A human pyramid looks cool, but if anyone gets unsteady, everyone comes tumbling down.

Just like in a human pyramid, how we act affects the people closest to us, but it can also affect others.

Take a listen!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

I’ll get back to answering questions about friendship from kids next week, but today I want to talk about an important question that we often don’t think about enough: What do we owe people who are not our friends?

Friendships can range from close to casual, but they all carry expectations. Our friends expect us to be kind to them, and we expect the same of them. Depending on how close the friendship is, there may be other expectations like sitting together at lunch, being invited to each other’s birthday party, keeping each other’s secrets, offering comfort if the friend is hurt or upset, standing up for each other, sharing thoughts and feelings, trying to work through conflicts or misunderstandings, and so much more…but the key ingredient of every friendship is kindness.

Being kind to a friend is usually easy because we like them and enjoy being with them.

But what about people who are not our friends? What do we owe people who we don’t know or maybe don’t like?

Obviously, you don’t have to invite someone you don’t know or don’t like to your birthday party (unless you’re inviting everyone in the group, in which case it would be mean to leave one person out). You also don’t have to share your private thoughts and feelings with someone who’s not a friend. You don’t even necessarily have to go out of your way to help them.

But that doesn’t mean you owe them nothing. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, just because they’re a person.

But sometimes kids have what I call “empathy blind spots” that get in the way of being kind. An empathy blind spot happens when we believe that certain people’s feelings don’t count. We might tell ourselves “she’s weird” or “he’s annoying” or “they were mean to me, first!” and think that makes it okay to treat that person badly. It doesn’t.

If you treat someone badly–maybe by saying or doing mean things to them, being unfair or making things harder for them, calling them names, complaining about them, or trying to get other people to exclude them–obviously you hurt that person.

But you also hurt your community because the atmosphere of a group depends on what each member contributes. Deliberately being mean makes whatever group you’re in less accepting, less safe, and less kind for everyone.

Also, if you choose to treat someone badly, you hurt yourself. If you do mean things on purpose–even to someone who supposedly “deserves” it–you turn yourself into the kind of person who does mean things. Yikes.

You also show others that you’re sometimes mean, which may make them less likely to trust you or want to be your friend.

You don’t have to be friends with everyone. In fact, you can’t be friends with everyone because friendship implies a special connection that involves knowing, liking, and caring about each other. You can’t have that with everyone.

But you can choose to do your part to make the world a little bit better by trying to treat everyone–even people who you don’t know or like–with basic respect and kindness.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.