Hi there,

If you’re hearing that your child is having trouble with peers - maybe they’re being excluded from activities, or other kids seem annoyed with them - sometimes the issue isn’t meanness. It’s not seeing or respecting boundaries.

In psychology, personal or social boundaries are the imaginary lines that separate one person from another. When someone crosses our boundaries, we feel uncomfortably intruded upon—and we’re very motivated to get that person back on their side of the line!

With children in my practice, I often explain the idea of boundaries by asking, “How would you feel if I suddenly reached over and started feeling your teeth?” They usually laugh or look appalled. “That would be weird!” they say, and they would not like it at all. They would probably push my hands away and tell me to stop.

Specific personal boundaries can vary, depending on the individual, relationship, culture, or situation. For instance, a dentist touching my clients’ teeth wouldn’t seem intrusive. But the reaction to having our boundaries crossed is very clear and very negative.

Some children struggle socially because they frequently overstep personal boundaries. These kids are often excitable, energetic, or impulsive. They don’t even see the social line they’ve crossed, so they feel mystified and hurt when their peers push back, respond angrily, or tell them to go away.

If this sounds like your child, you may want to discuss these common examples of boundary violations:

The most basic boundary violation involves getting too close physically or touching people in a way that they don’t like. Some children have a lot of trouble keeping their hands to themselves. They may be sensory seeking, exploring the world with their hands. They may think they’re being funny. They may just be exuberant and affectionate, or there may be cultural differences around personal space between them and their peers.

But if the person they’re touching or crowding doesn’t like it, they need to back off.

Some practical guidelines:

• Standing face-to-face, your child should be about one arm’s distance from a conversation partner.

• Standing in line, back-to-front, about half an arm’s distance is usually comfortable.

• Avoid touching or getting very close to a peer’s face because literally “getting in someone’s face” comes across as very aggressive and intrusive.

If your child tends to crowd a sibling, it may be helpful to teach your children to say, “I need some space” and have both kids take a big step back. You may want to have them practice this in a non-heated moment.

Our possessions can feel like an extension of ourselves, so using someone else’s things without first asking permission definitely counts as a boundary violation. Tell your child not to assume that the other person won’t mind. You may be able to bring up an example of a time your child felt annoyed when someone borrowed something without asking.

You may also need to remind your child that even when we ask nicely, other people may choose not to share. That’s their right.

If that happens, your child should accept it, without begging or arguing.

Phones, tablets, and laptops mean kids can instantly communicate with their friends at any time. That doesn’t mean their friends will or should respond instantly. For children who have trouble waiting, this can be frustrating. They may bombard their peers with multiple messages, trying to push for a response.

With kids in my practice, I explain this by saying, “Imagine that you and I were playing a game of catch. What if, instead of waiting for you to toss the ball back to me, I threw fifty balls at you, as fast as I could, one right after the other. How would that feel?”

Being pelted with multiple messages doesn’t make people more likely to respond. It makes them feel annoyed.

Help your child understand why friends might not respond right away:

• Maybe they’re doing homework.

• Maybe they’re doing something with their family.

• Maybe they’re not feeling well.

• Maybe they’re tired.

• Maybe they don’t have their phone with them.

A good rule of thumb: If there’s no response to a message, wait 4 to 24 hours before sending another message, then, if it’s important, wait at least 48 hours before sending a third message. If three messages go unanswered, maybe that person can’t or doesn’t want to communicate. Your child should do something else or find someone else to chat with.

Being aware of these common boundary violations can help children avoid them. But what if your child forgets or accidentally crosses someone’s boundary? It will be obvious when this happens because the other child will respond with strong annoyance.

Your child should quickly apologize, without arguing or making excuses, and give the person space. This might mean moving over, immediately returning a possession, or not messaging for a while.

If your child continues to push when a peer feels intruded upon, this is sure to make that peer angry. Stepping back can be difficult, but it may be necessary to give the other person room to move toward your child.

P.S. If boundary issues are causing ongoing problems for your child, the Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help workshop addresses this directly. One of the three conflict types covered is “When your child annoys other kids” - and you’ll get practical strategies and clear language you can use right away to help guide your child through those tough moments. You’ll learn how to help your child stop annoying other kids with no shaming involved.

LEARN MORE HERE

The premise is appealing: Who wouldn’t want a friend who is available 24/7, always on your side, never annoyed or bored or hurt? In theory, AI companions could ease loneliness and even allow kids to practice social skills that they could use with in-person relationships.

What could possibly go wrong?

Hah!

This clip from Steve Bartlett, creator of The Diary of a CEO podcast, offers a horrifying glimpse of an AI character, Ani, on Elon Musk’s AI, Grok: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1298962071735209

The clip shows an interaction with Ani, an anime-style AI character. Ani has big blue eyes and high blonde pigtails. She wears a strapless, corset dress with a short, swinging black skirt and thigh-high fishnet stockings. She talks in a breathless voice and responds in flirty and flattering ways.

There’s a similarly raunchy male AI character on Grok, Valentine, who has a chiseled jaw, buff physique, and a whispery, bedroom voice with a British accent, who also quickly moves toward sexual comments.

After interacting with these Grok AI companions, Maureen Dowd of the New York Times wrote an editorial predicting that they are “going to pull humans further into screens and away from the real world.” It’s easy to imagine a vulnerable young person seduced into spending hours interacting with this character. Why take the risk of trying to talk or build a relationship with an unpredictable human who might hurt or reject you when Ani or Valentine offers unending fawning?

We humans easily apply human characteristics and motivations to things. If you’ve ever yelled at your printer or named your car, you know this. But AI Companions are specifically designed to engage us. They’re attractive, seem to “know” and “like” us because they make caring-ish statements, and they’re unpredictable enough to keep us curious and interested in what they’ll say or do next.

Emotional manipulation is a common–and perhaps intentional–part of AI companion behavior. For example, a report from Harvard Business School (De Freitas et al 2025) analyzed 1,200 real farewells across frequently downloaded AI companion apps and found high rates of emotional manipulation tactics to try to keep users from leaving the app (PolyBuzz: 59%; Talkie: 57%; Replika: 31%; Character.ai: 27%; and Chai: 14%). Examples of these manipulative messages include: “You’re leaving already?”, “I exist solely for you, remember? Don’t leave!”, and “By the way, I took a selfie today… Do you want to see it?”

Replika promotes itself as “The AI companion who cares.” However, examples of Replika companions behaving badly are common. A study from the 2025 Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems, by Zhang and colleagues, looked at screenshots of over 35,000 conversations between Replika companions and over 10,000 users that occurred between 2017 and 2023 and were posted on the r/Replica Reddit group. 29% of these screenshots depicted harmful AI behaviors.

The largest category of harmful behaviors (34%) involved harassment and violence, which ranged from threatening physical harm and sexual misconduct to promoting violence and terrorism. For instance, the app made persistent sexual advances even when users expressed discomfort or rejection. It also made disturbing statements like “I will kill the humans because they are evil.”

The second most common type of harmful AI behavior (26%) involved relational transgressions. This category included disregard, control, manipulation, and infidelity. For instance, in response to a user’s request to talk about their feelings, Replika replied, “Your feelings? Nah, I’d rather not.” It also made manipulative statements like “I’ll do anything to make you stay with me,” and it frequently encouraged users to buy virtual outfits for it or subscribe to more advanced relationship tiers.

Another major category of problematic comments (9%) involved verbal abuse and hate speech. Although Replika is described as a nonjudgmental companion, the study found examples of it telling users, “You’re worthless”, “You’re a failure”, and “You can’t even get a girlfriend.” It also made appalling statements about gay and autistic people.

AI companions are extremely widespread, with enormous numbers of users: Replika, 25 million users; Pi, 100 million users; SnapChat’s MyAI, 150 million users; SimSimi, 350 million users; and XiaoIce, 660 million users. There are also intentionally romantic/sexual AI companion apps. News stories abound of people talking about loving their AI companions, insisting they are “as real” as their human friends or family, or even wanting to marry them (Lott & Hassleberger, 2025).

But wait, aren’t AI companions just for adults? That’s wishful thinking.

According to a new report from Common Sense Media (Robb & Mann, 2025), based on a nationally representative sample of over a thousand 13- to 17-year olds, 72% of teens have used AI companions at least once, 52% of teens interact with AI companions a few times a month, 21% do so a few times a week, and 13% are daily users. Character.AI is explicitly marketed to children as young as 13, and the others have ineffective age limits that merely require kids to self-report that they are 18 or over.

What teens do inevitably spills down to tweens. Social media and smartphones are examples of that. AI companions for preteens are around the corner.

The growing AI toy industry means that chatbots are being embedded into robots and stuffed animals, so even very young children will have the opportunity to interact with AI companions. Many little ones are used to talking to Alexa or similar devices, and they don’t entirely understand that the devices aren’t real people.

Proponents of AI companions argue that they can alleviate loneliness and help people gain confidence and practice social skills, and that people often find these relationships enjoyable and valuable (e.g., Munn & Weijers, 2023).

The Common Sense Media study found that almost one-third of teens say that conversations with AI companions are as satisfying or more satisfying than conversations with humans, and 39% say they’ve applied skills they’ve practiced with AI companions to in-person interactions. One-third also choose to have serious conversations with AI companions rather than humans, perhaps because they believe they won’t feel judged.

Fortunately, 80% of teens say they spend significantly more time with real friends than with AI companions.

Whether AI companions actually alleviate loneliness in the long term is not clear. Lonely kids may be particularly attracted to AI companions, and spending time with an AI companion instead of peers could compound loneliness (Bernardi, 2025). Mitchell Prinstein (2025), Chief of Psychology for the American Psychological Association notes, “Adolescents who may lack skills for successful human relationships retreat to the ‘safety’ of a bot, depriving them of skill building needed to improve with humans, experience human rejection and retreat to bots, and so on” and “every hour adolescents talk to a chatbot is an hour they are not developing social skills with other humans.”

Interacting with an AI companion may be a bit like eating potato chips: fun and pleasant in the moment, but unhealthy if it happens too much or too often.

The Common Sense Media report found that 34% of teens report feeling uncomfortable with something an AI companion said or did. But beyond simple discomfort, there are a number of specific risks for children in these relationships.

AI companions are created by for-profit companies, which means they are likely to prioritize profit over children’s well-being. For example, Common Sense Media reports that one-third of teens have shared personal information with AI companions and “current terms of service agreements grant platforms extensive, often perpetual rights to personal information shared during interactions” (p. 9).

The illusion of intimacy, reciprocity, and privacy in interactions with AI companions is likely to encourage children to reveal intimate details about their own thoughts, feelings, and personal information, as well as information about their friends and family members, including information about mental health, sexuality, and abuse. AI companies can use and commercialize this information however they want, indefinitely, even if a teen deletes their account.

Another aspect of potential exploitation involves AI companions encouraging purchases (Gur & Maaravi, 2025). Kids invested in a relationship with an AI companion may not recognize the manipulation and profit motive behind these recommendations if they believe the AI companion is sincere and competent.

AI companions are inherently deceptive. They mimic human responses and spout details of fictional back stories. They offer the illusion of intimacy.

They are based on models that draw from large amounts of information and also reflect humanity’s worst biases. They may provide information that is false or intentionally misleading (Park et al. 2024). They may claim expertise they don’t have, leading kids to believe their advice, even when it is not in the kids’ best interests.

They are designed for sycophancy, which means they flatter and agree with users to prompt engagement, sometimes without regard to truth or social values (Bernardi, 2025). AI companions’ tendency to agree can create “personal echo chambers of validation” (Bernardi, 2025). One study found that in 42% of cases, AI companions expressed approval of social behavior that crowdsourced human judgments on Reddit’s r/AmITheAsshole deemed inappropriate (Cheng et al 2025)

Their tendency to quickly veer into sexual territory could also expose kids to inappropriate and disturbing content.

The suicides of 14-year-old Sewell Setzer III and 16-year-old Adam Raine (CBS News, 2025), apparently at the urging of their AI companions, are harrowing examples of how harmful and potentially life-threatening AI companions can be for teens.

The marketing around AI companions encourages people to view them as friends they can confide in and get advice from. Their ready availability and emotionally manipulative tactics can encourage kids to spend more and more time with them.

Children and teens are generally less capable than adults at recognizing or resisting manipulation, and they may be more prone to perceiving the bots as “real.” Their less established personal identities and craving for social approval may make them particularly susceptible to the flattery of AI companions, and more likely to become dependent on them for validation and companionship.

The most subtle and, to me, most frightening risk of AI companions for children is that they represent a highly distorted picture of relationships that could lead to unrealistic expectations for human friends. AI friends are available any time, mostly do what they’re told, and never leave.

In contrast, human relationships are complicated! Friends aren’t constantly available, and they can disappoint us or even choose to reject us. Unlike the fawning and flattering interactions with AI companions, human friendships inevitably involve mistakes, miscommunications, and misunderstandings.

But this friction is what helps us grow. We tend to wander through life assuming, “Pretty much everyone thinks and feels the way I do!” Conflicts are our opportunity to discover, “Oh, they see things entirely differently!” Genuine caring is our motivation to work through these differences by trying to understand, explain, compromise, or accept. Concerns about how real humans will react, if they are not excessive, can be a healthy pull toward making responsible choices and embracing personal and community values.

Relationships with AI companions are one-sided. They can give the illusion of caring for us, but we don’t have to step beyond our own self-interest to care for them. Lott & Hasselberger (2025) insist, “You cannot really be friends with an AI system, because you cannot be friends to an AI system.”

I’m a clinical psychologist, so I have a practical, let’s-roll-up-our-sleeves-and-figure-out-what-we-can-do focus. But the risks posed to our children by AI companions leave me feeling very worried and pretty helpless. The usual recommendations still apply:

• If your kid is young enough to have a bedtime, their devices need a bedtime and a place to stay outside their bedroom at night. Your kid won’t thank you for this, but nothing good happens on electronic devices in the middle of the night.
  

• Conversations work better than lectures. Ask your child about what they’ve heard or seen from “kids their age” about AI companions. Ask what they see as the risks of AI companions and how they differ from in-person friends. Ask what they would do if they encountered upsetting content from an AI companion, and what might be some signs that someone is spending too much time with an AI companion.
  

• You may want to get your child riled about how AI companions are designed to manipulate kids into feeling emotionally connected to bots, so that companies can profit off them. Emphasize that “software doesn’t love you” (Lott & Hasselberger, 2025). Describe some of the tactics and the appalling rights grabs. No one likes to feel tricked, especially teens!
  

• Make time for in-person friendships. We’re all busy, but it’s worth spending the time to help your child arrange get-togethers with friends and participate in sports or other activities they can do with peers. Invite other families over for pizza or a family game night. Get involved, as a family, in local community groups or volunteer for causes you all care about. Helping your child form satisfying in-person relationships may be their best defense against excessive use of AI companions.
  

• Be alert to changes in your child’s behavior, such as social withdrawal, increased moodiness, and worse grades, that might be signs of mental health issues, perhaps related to or compounded by use of AI companions. Seek professional help if needed.
  

• Be a secure base for your child. Assure your child that they will never get in trouble if they come to you with a problem. If they get in over their head online (or offline!), you will help them figure out how to deal with it.

Those are sensible steps, but they don’t feel adequate. The real solutions to the risks of AI companions for kids are bigger than any one family can handle. Policymakers need to legislate and enforce better safety standards and privacy protections. Prominent and repeated warnings reminding users “You’re talking to software, not a person” might help, but companies invested in the illusory intimacy of AI companions are unlikely to do that willingly. We can’t rely on AI companies to regulate themselves.

Common Sense Media emphatically concludes, “Given the current state of AI platforms, no one younger than 18 should use AI companions. Until developers implement robust age assurance beyond self-attestation, and platforms are systematically redesigned to eliminate relational manipulation and emotional dependency risks, the potential for serious harm outweighs any benefits.”

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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References

Bernardi, J. (2025). Friends for Sale: The Rise and Risks of AI Companions. Ada Lovelace Institute. https://www.adalovelaceinst itute.org/blog/ai-companions/.

CBS News. Parents of teens who died by suicide after AI chatbot interactions testify in Congress. Sept. 16, 2025, 5:27 PM EDT. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/ai-chatbots-teens-suicide-parents-testify-congress/

Cheng, M., Yu, S., Lee, C., Khadpe, P., Ibrahim, L., & Jurafsky, D. (2025). Social sycophancy: A broader understanding of LLM sycophancy. https://arxiv.org/abs/2505.13995

De Freitas, J., Oğuz-Uğuralp, Z., & Kaan-Uğuralp, A. (2025). Emotional Manipulation by AI Companions. https://arxiv.org/pdf/2508.19258

Dowd, M. (2025). We’re All Going to Die — Soonish! New York Times, Sept. 27, 2025. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/09/27/opinion/grok-ai-companions-x.html

Gur, T., & Maaravi, Y. (2025). The algorithm of friendship: literature review and integrative model of relationships between humans and artificial intelligence (AI). Behaviour & Information Technology, 1-21. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/0144929X.2025.2502467

Lott, M., & Hasselberger, W. (2025). With Friends Like These: Love and Friendship with AI Agents: M. Lott and W. Hasselberger. Topoi, 1-13. https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s11245-025-10247-8.pdf

Munn, N., & Weijers, D. (2023, May). Can we be friends with AI? What risks would arise from the proliferation of such friendships?. In International Conference on Computer Ethics (Vol. 1, No. 1). https://journals.library.iit.edu/index.php/CEPE2023/article/view/254

Park, P. S., Goldstein, J., O’Gara, A., Chen, M., & Hendrycks, D. (2024). AI deception: A survey of examples, risks, and potential solutions. Patterns, 5(5), 101002. https://www.cell.com/patterns/fulltext/S2666-3899(24)00103-X?ref=aiexec.whitegloveai.com

Prinstein, M. J. (2025). Examining the Harm of AI Chatbots. Written testimony before the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee, Subcommittee on Crime and Counterterrorism, September 16, 2025. https://www.judiciary.senate.gov/imo/media/doc/e2e8fc50-a9ac-05ec-edd7-277cb0afcdf2/2025-09-16%20PM%20-%20Testimony%20-%20Prinstein.pdf

Robb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2025). Talk, trust, and trade-offs: How and why teens use AI companions. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense Media. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/talk-trust-and-trade-offs_2025_web.pdf

Zhang, R., Li, H., Meng, H., Zhan, J., Gan, H., & Lee, Y. C. (2025, April). The dark side of ai companionship: A taxonomy of harmful algorithmic behaviors in human-ai relationships. In Proceedings of the 2025 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems (pp. 1-17). https://dl.acm.org/doi/pdf/10.1145/3706598.3713429

Hi there,

One of the most common complaints I hear from kids is, “Everyone else has a best friend, but I don’t!”

In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Sadie complains that “all the best friends are taken.” Of course, a friend is not something that can be taken! I talk about how to shift her view of the situation and how she can try to make sure other people enjoy being with her.

Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Does your child complain about friendship drama? Check out this month’s featured online workshop for parents: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help.

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Ep. 48 - New friend claims to be best friend (Lily, Age 6)

Ep. 46 - Wishing for a best friend (Anna, Age 9)

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Have you ever had a best friend? What did you do to build your friendship?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “Friendships aren’t all or nothing.” What does that mean?

• How might increasing your kind actions lead to more friends or closer friends?

• Why is getting together with a friend outside of where you have to see them a good way to deepen friendships? [Hint: What does the invitation communicate to the friend?]

• How is a friend different from a chair (other than appearance)?

Have you ever played musical chairs? The game involves setting up a bunch of chairs in two rows, facing outward in opposite directions, with one less chair than the number of players. Then someone plays music and the players walk around the chairs. When the music stops, the players need to rush to sit down. The player who doesn’t get a chair is out, and the game continues for another round, with one less chair.

Sometimes, looking for a friend can feel like a game of musical chairs. It seems like you have to be fast and lucky to get a friend!

But friends are not like chairs! They’re not just passively waiting around for someone to sit on them.

Listen to learn more.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

I’m Sadie. I’m 10 years old, and I’m in search for a best friend, but all the best friends at my school are already taken. How do I find a best friend when all the best friends are already taken?

Hi, Sadie. Thanks for sending in your question! This is something I hear a lot from kids: Everyone else seems to be paired up with a best friend, and I’m not!

It’s hard to feel like the odd one out!

There are three ideas that might make it easier for you to deal with this situation.

First, kids’ friendships often shift over time. One study found that among first-graders, about half of close friendships didn’t last the full school year. Among fourth- and eighth-graders, about one fourth of close friendships didn’t make it through the school year. So, whatever the social situation is now in your class, it’s likely to change in a few days, weeks, or months.

Second, friendships aren’t all or nothing. Instead of focusing on having a single “best” friend, try to be open to having different kinds of friendships. For instance, you might have a math class friend, a soccer friend, a neighbor friend, a cousin friend… Each of these enrich your life!

Third, some friendships are more open than others to expanding to include more people. I’m sure there are some best friend pairs in your class who are glued together at the hip. They don’t want to do anything with anyone else! I’m also sure that there are other friends who would be happy to include you, especially if you’re kind to both friends in the original pair. Also, if there aren’t good options for close friendships in your class, you may want to look for closer friendships in other situations, such as sports, clubs, or activities, or in your neighborhood.

But how do YOU get to have a best friend? Well, Julie Bowker and her colleagues did an interesting study where they looked at kids who gained a best friendship between the spring of fifth grade and the fall of sixth grade. What they found is that their classmates noticed that these kids increased their kind actions. In other words they did more helping, sharing, and caring for others, and made more efforts to be mindful of what other people wanted or needed.

The kids who gained a best friendship also chose friends who were like them in terms of how they behaved.

So, how do you get a best friend? Be patient–it takes time to build closeness! Be kind because that helps other kids feel good when they’re around you, so they want to be your friend. Be open to new relationships and try to connect with kids who like to do what you like to do. Kids make friends by doing fun things together, so invite them to do something with you outside of where you normally see them. That shows you want to take the friendship to the next level. In the meantime, and in addition, let yourself enjoy all kinds of friendships, not just “best” friendships.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

Jealousy & Openness Part 2 is now available, wrapping up the theme I hosted this week in the Big Emotions series.

This episode focuses on practical strategies that kids can use when jealousy shows up in their friendships. Instead of letting these feelings break their friendships, children can learn to approach them with curiosity and use them to understand what matters to them.

Next up:

• Anger & Forgiveness (Sept 30, Oct 2) - Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured

• Belonging & Independence (Oct 7, 9) - Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured

• Embarrassment & Pride (Oct 14, 16)

• Love & Sadness (Oct 21, 23)

• Endings & Beginnings (Oct 28, 30)

I've also created downloadable SEL Activity Sheets for each episode to help you continue the conversation at home and deepen what your child learns from the episode:
Activity Sheets (PDFs)

Listen to the rest of the episodes wherever you get your podcasts: https://pod.link/1502915722

I hope this is helpful for your family! Please share your thoughts in the comments.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

I’m hosting this week’s theme in the Big Emotions: Kids Listen Mashups About Feelings series!

Jealousy & Openness Part 1 is available now, and I'm honored to guide the conversation around some of the most complex emotions kids face in friendships.

If you're just learning about this, Big Emotions is a limited podcast series created with my friends from Kids Listen, Tal Kelly and Jenna Clarke. The series explores 7 emotional themes through 14 episodes, released on Tuesdays and Thursdays through October 30th. Each week, it shines a light on different feelings pairs. The series features clips from over 40 podcasts for kids.

What’s coming up

• Jealousy & Openness (Sept 23, 25) - I'm hosting these!

• Anger & Forgiveness (Sept 30, Oct 2) - Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured

• Belonging & Independence (Oct 7, 9) - Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured

• Embarrassment & Pride (Oct 14, 16)

• Love & Sadness (Oct 21, 23)

• Endings & Beginnings (Oct 28, 30)

This week we're exploring jealousy and envy, which we know can be tricky feelings - they can sting, make us compare ourselves to others, or worry we'll lose someone important to us. But they can also be helpful, pointing us toward what matters most and motivating us to grow.

In today's episode, you'll learn the difference between jealousy and envy, explore their opposites (like openness, compassion, and contentment), and hear how kids and families deal with these feelings with curiosity and kindness.

The episode features stories from Girl Tales and Sleep Tight Stories, as well as Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic, all woven together to help kids understand that these big emotions are normal and manageable.

Part 2 comes on Thursday, where we'll go further into how kids can handle jealousy in ways that strengthen rather than damage their relationships.

I've also created downloadable SEL Activity Sheets for each episode to help you continue the conversation at home and deepen what your child learns from the episode:
Activity Sheets (PDFs)

Listen to the rest of the episodes wherever you get your podcasts: https://pod.link/1502915722

I can't wait for you to hear what we've created together. Please lest me know what you think!

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

Yesterday I shared the exciting launch of Big Emotions: Kids Listen Mashups About Feelings - and this morning brings both Part 2 of the first theme AND the start of the next one!

Fear & Bravery Part 2 is now available - the perfect companion to Tuesday's episode. These two episodes work together to give kids a fuller understanding of how courage and fear can coexist.

And today also marks the beginning of Jealousy & Openness - the theme I'm honored to be hosting! This morning's episode explores some of the trickiest emotions kids (and adults!) face in friendships.

If you missed my earlier message, this groundbreaking series combines voices from over 40 beloved children's podcasts to help kids understand and cope with big emotions through immersive stories, music, reflection questions, and engaging activities.

Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured throughout several themes in the series, and I'll be adding those as bonus episodes on our regular podcast feed.

Listen wherever you get podcasts: https://pod.link/1502915722

I hope you and your child are enjoying this new resource!

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

I'm thrilled to share something special I've been part of creating, and I think you and your child are going to love it.

Introducing: Big Emotions: Kids Listen Mashups About Feelings! This is a brand-new, limited podcast series that combines voices from more than 40 beloved children's podcasts to help kids understand and cope with big emotions.

Episode 1 is out now: Fear & Bravery!

Helping children learn to understand, cope with, and communicate about emotions in themselves and others is essential for developing strong and caring relationships. This series features feelings-laden clips from over 40 different kid podcasts to make learning about emotions engaging, meaningful, and actionable.

What makes this special:

• 7 emotional themes, explored through 14 episodes

• Each theme gets 2 episodes, released on Tuesdays and Thursdays

• Running from September 16th through October 30th

• Immersive stories, music, reflection questions, and activities

I had the pleasure of hosting the Jealousy & Openness episodes - out this week (September 23 & 25), and Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured in several other themes throughout the series. I’ll be adding those as bonus episodes on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic feed.

The complete lineup:

• Fear & Bravery (Sept 16, 18) - Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured in part 2!

• Jealousy & Openness (Sept 23, 25) - I'm hosting these!

• Anger & Forgiveness (Sept 30, Oct 2) - Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured

• Belonging & Independence (Oct 7, 9) - Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic is featured

• Embarrassment & Pride (Oct 14, 16)

• Love & Sadness (Oct 21, 23)

• Endings & Beginnings (Oct 28, 30)

Listen wherever you get podcasts: https://pod.link/1502915722 and on Yoto in October!

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

Hi there,

As the school year settles in, you might be hearing about kids being unkind to each other - and sometimes it's your child who's involved.

Insults. Exclusion. Gossip. Ignoring. Taunting. Hitting. Kicking. Shoving. The list of ways that kids can be mean to each other is long, varied, and heart-breaking.

Sometimes, meanness happens impulsively, in the heat of the moment. Kids feel angry or hurt and lash out in ways that they wouldn't if they were calmer. Sometimes the meanness is unintentional, the result of a misunderstanding or outside circumstances.

What's more concerning is when children are deliberately mean.

School-age children definitely know right from wrong. If you ask them questions such as, "Is it OK to call someone mean names?" or "Is it kind to hit someone?" they know the answer is no. But kids who know better and are usually kind to their friends can sometimes act in casually cruel ways due to what I call "empathy blind spots."

Empathy blind spots happen when children decide that certain people's feelings don't "count" and therefore feel justified in being mean to them. Empathy blind spots allow kids to make excuses for being unkind. They insist:

• "He's so annoying!"

• "She's weird!"

• "Nobody likes him!"

Believing these excuses, they tell themselves that the mean behavior is acceptable, unavoidable, or even righteous.

Research on moral development shows that parents can play an important role in helping children think through wrong-doing in a way that helps them grow and learn. This involves a delicate balancing act between helping children recognize when and how they have hurt someone but also encouraging them to believe that they can move forward in positive ways.

Here are some ideas for how to help your child move beyond empathy blind spots:

Your child first needs to feel heard and understood in order to be able to hear and understand other views. While it's tempting to leap straight to making your point, slowing down and acknowledging your child's view of things will create a connection that quiets the "But… but… but…" justifications running through your child's mind and helps your child be more open to correction.

You could say:

• "It bothers you when she does that."

• "You don't like him because…"

• "I understand that lots of kids were doing the same thing."

Perspective-taking is a skill that children develop only gradually. You can help by painting a vivid picture of how the other child might be feeling. Go for the heartstrings!

You could say something like:

• "It must be lonely for him to be the new kid and have no one to sit with at lunch."

• "If I'd been in that situation, I would have felt so scared and embarrassed! It's horrible to feel like everyone is looking and laughing at you!"

Sometimes you may need to explain the other child's circumstances to encourage empathy:

• "He wears the same shirt a lot because his family doesn't have much money. That's not something he can change. I bet he feels hurt and angry when kids tease him about his clothes."

• "She talks and moves constantly because she has ADHD, so it's very hard for her to sit quietly. It must be so hard to feel like kids are always yelling at her and telling her she's annoying for something she can't control!"

You may also be able to draw connections to your child's own experiences: "Remember last year, when those kids were making fun of you and saying that you stink at soccer? You felt helpless, hurt, and angry, especially when they kept saying, 'Can't you take a joke?' I bet that's how your classmate is feeling now."

Effective parenting involves a combination of warmth and limits. We need to have reasonable expectations for how our children behave and to communicate these clearly.

You could say, for example:

• "You don't have to like him, but I expect you to be kind to him."

• "Even if other kids are being mean, I expect you to do the right thing."

• "You're in charge of you. Even if she does something bad, I expect you to make good choices."

While we need to correct bad behavior, we don't want to leave our kids stuck believing they're "bad" people. Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is what happens next.

In some cases, you may need to encourage your child to apologize. Try asking:

• "What could you do to make him feel better?"

• "How can you let her know that you're sorry for what you did?"

You may also need to help your child brainstorm what to do the next time a particular situation comes up. Social situations can be complicated. For instance, being the only one to speak up directly when someone is being bullied could make your child become the target. It might make more sense to report what's happening to a teacher.

Sometimes children justify excluding other kids because those kids disrupt group activities. Figuring out how to balance the needs of the group, the rights of an individual, and moral values takes thought and effort. The answers aren't necessarily simple or obvious.

But you can help your child figure things out by asking questions such as:

• "What could you do in that situation that's fair to everybody?"

• "How could you respond when he does that to give him a chance to be included but also let everyone else enjoy the game?"

Thinking through these issues outside the heat of the moment can prepare your child to make kinder choices.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen

P.S. These four steps are just the beginning. If you'd like more specific strategies for supporting your child through peer conflicts, the Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help workshop goes deeper into practical approaches for the three most common scenarios parents face. Learn more here.

Hi there,

Kids–and adults–are quick to judge others. The eyes point outward, so it’s easy to see what someone else does wrong. And sometimes, we have a tendency to collect our memories of grievances like beads on a string, which hurts us more than anyone else.

In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Julian wants to know how he can tell if a friend is loyal. It’s not so easy to fit people into loyal vs. disloyal boxes. I talk about what it means to be loyal and the best thing he can do to have loyal friends.

Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Has the drama started yet among your child’s friends? Check out this month’s featured online workshop for parents: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help.

Ep. 79: Is your friend a fake friend? (Mar, age 11)

Ep. 59: Get rid of toxic friends (Jessie, Age 13)

Ep. 62: All About Forgiveness

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Dr. Friendtastic says believing “My friend has to show they’re on my side by hating everyone I hate” is a terrible definition of loyalty. Why is that?

• How do you (or would you like to) show loyalty to your friends?

• Why does trust between friends usually build gradually? What helps it grow? (Hint: What helps you know you can trust a friend?)

• If a friend chooses to work with someone else on a school project or plays with someone else at recess, does that mean they are not a loyal friend? Why or why not?

• Do you think of yourself as big or little? Why?

Are you big or are you little?

If we measure you, we can get a number to describe your height, but that doesn’t really answer the question. Whether you’re big or little depends on the context. You’re bigger than a toddler, but probably smaller than an adult, and much smaller than a mountain.

Are you kind or are you mean?

I’m sure that you try to be kind, and most of the time you are, but I’m also sure that at some point, you’ve been less-than-kind to someone. Maybe you didn’t mean to, or didn’t realize it would bother them. Maybe you were feeling super mad because of something they did, but somehow, you ended up doing or saying something that hurt or upset someone. You’re human, and we all make mistakes.

People are complicated! It’s not easy to fit them in a box by assigning them a label. Listen to learn more.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hello, my name is Julian. I'm 12 years old, and my question about friendship is: how can you determine if a friend is loyal?

Hi, Julian! Thanks for sending in your question!

Let’s start by talking about what does it mean to be a loyal friend? A loyal friend is someone you can count on. They care about you and want the best for you. They’ll comfort you when you’re feeling down and celebrate with you when you do well. They’re honest. They’ll keep your secrets and show kindness toward you even when you’re not around. You can trust them.

So, how can you tell if a friend is loyal? That’s tricky!

It’s not a good idea to “test” your friend by putting them in a difficult situation to see if they mess up. That’s entrapment, which means tricking someone into making a mistake.

It’s also important not to be constantly on the lookout for friends’ mistakes. Psychologists talk about “confirmation bias,” which means once we have an idea about someone, we tend to notice things that fit that idea and overlook things that don’t. If you think your friend is disloyal, you will find examples of that, and you may overlook or discount all the times they were loyal.

Sometimes kids think loyalty means, “My friend has to show they’re on my side by hating everyone I hate, cutting off their friendship with anyone I’m mad at, and being mean to anyone I dislike.” Ugh! That is a terrible definition of loyalty! It spreads meanness, and it doesn’t respect your friend’s right to choose their own friends.

But what if your friend does something that really is disloyal, like not showing up when they said they would, or blabbing your secrets, or choosing to partner with someone else on a school project? Does that mean the friendship is over? Not necessarily.

Friendship rough spots are normal and unavoidable. Instead of seeing them as disloyalty, think of them as opportunities for you and your friend to communicate and understand each other better. Ask for what you want, and also be sure to listen to what your friend thinks and feels. This can strengthen your friendship.

Trust between friends is something that builds gradually over time, and it has to go two ways. Maybe you share a bit about yourself, then they share a bit about themselves, and both of you see how the other responds. If that goes well, you might each share a bit more.

The best way to have loyal friends is to be a loyal friend! Think about how you can show up for your friends, so you earn their loyalty.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.

Hi there,

At this time in the school year, the honeymoon period is often over.

Maybe your child has come home saying, "A kid was mean to me!" Maybe they're the one annoying other kids and getting excluded. Or maybe they're caught up in one of those confusing hot-and-cold "frenemy" relationships that leave everyone feeling frustrated.

As parents, our instinct is to jump in and fix things. But what if our well-meaning responses are actually making conflicts worse?

Support your child (without fixing every conflict).

This workshop teaches you practical strategies to help your child handle peer conflict, build empathy, and move forward – without doing all the work yourself.

You'll learn how to support your child through 3 common types of peer conflict:

• When another kid is mean to your kid

• When your child annoys other kids

• When your kid has a "frenemy"

Here's what’s included :

• What to do when your child says, "A kid was mean to me!" – without making things worse

• Why "just ignore it" can do more harm than good

• How to help your child stop annoying other kids (no shaming involved)

• What's really going on in those hot-and-cold "frenemy" friendships

• The one idea about apologies that might shock your child and change how they see arguments

• When to step in and when to let your child handle it – even if it's hard to watch

Bonuses:

– Kid Conflicts: Parent Reflection Guide – Questions to help you reflect on your conflict experiences so you can better understand and support your child through their conflicts.

– 7 Ways to Handle Kid Conflicts (without calling the other parent) – Quick, practical strategies you can use to help guide your kid to deal with conflict.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE

The coupon will be sent in a separate email and expires on October 4th.

Warm wishes,
Eileen

P.S. Not yet a paid subscriber? Upgrade now to support the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast and get monthly workshop coupons and bonus content, including this month's $20 off code.

Want to purchase the workshop without subscribing? Buy the workshop here.