Hi there,
A kid sitting alone at recess–when they don’t want to be–is sad. In this week’s episode, I talk very specifically about how to join a group of kids at play.
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 4 - One friend feels left out (Thomas, Age 13)
Ep. 49 - Feeling different and rejected (Charlotte, Age 8)
Ep. 67 - Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
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Send in YOUR kid's question
Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What are some reasons why kids might sit alone at recess?
What is your favorite thing to do at recess? Who likes to do it with you?
Why is it important to think about the what/who/how questions before trying to join a group?
Why might it be easiest to join a single kid, playing alone, or a group of four or more?
Transcript
Have you ever gotten a party invitation in the mail? Nowadays, most invitations are sent online, which is practical, but I think there’s something extra festive about getting a physical invitation in the mail.
Have you ever gotten an invitation delivered on a silver platter? Me neither. That phrase is a call back to olden days when rich people had butlers bring them things on a silver platter. So, “Getting it on a silver platter” is a saying that refers to getting something good with no effort.
What does all that have to do with friendship? Well, you’re probably not going to get a friendship delivered on a silver platter. It’s going to take some effort on your part. Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s hear today’s question:
Hi, my name is Amelia, age 9. I sit by myself at recess. How do I go play with the other group of kids?
Hi, Amelia, thanks for sending in your question. It doesn’t feel good to be an outsider, watching other kids have fun without you! My guess is you’re feeling lonely, self-conscious, and maybe anxious or trapped because you don’t know how to change things or if you can.
I’m so glad you sent in this question because that shows you want to change things. You’re definitely not stuck in this situation! There are two things you’re going to need to change it: a lot of strategy and a little bit of courage.
Let’s talk first about strategy. This involves thinking carefully to come up with an approach that makes sense for you.
Start by noticing what other kids are doing at recess. What looks like fun to you? That might be a group for you to join.
Next, think about which kids might be most open to letting you join them. Is there someone who’s been friendly to you in class or who just seems like a kind person?
You might want to try joining either a kid playing alone or a group of four or more kids. The kid playing alone might be happy for the company. The group of four or more is probably a loose group and likely open to others joining. Groups of two or three can be tight-knit and harder to join if you don’t know them well.
Finally, in terms of strategy, you need to think about how to join a group. Research about kids on playgrounds tells us the way to do this is: Watch then blend. Watch what the kids are doing, then slide into the action without interrupting.
So, what might that look like? Well, if a bunch of kids are playing four-square, you could watch to see which is the King or highest ranked square and which is the entry one, and where people are lined up to get a turn to play.
It would not be a good idea to run up, grab the ball, and run off with it because that would wreck the game and make everyone mad at you.
It would also not be a good idea to ask, “Can I play, too?” because that would interrupt the game.
Instead, in the four-square situation, after watching enough to figure out what’s going on, you could stand at the end of the line of people wanting to join the game and wait your turn.
If you want to join a group of kids playing tag, watch to see who’s it and to figure out the borders of the game. Then start running around to join the action without interrupting.
If kids are building something, you could watch to see what they’re doing, then join, either by giving a compliment or by bringing extra supplies.
Okay, so you’ve got your strategy. You know the what, who, and how of joining the kids who are playing. The next thing you need is a bit of courage.
Sometimes kids hide at recess by going off by themselves or by reading or doing some other solo activity. They do this because they feel uncomfortable, but it signals to everyone, “I want nothing to do with you!”
To join other kids playing, you need to find the courage to stop hiding. So, put down the book or other solo activity, move near the other kids, smile in a friendly way, then do it! Take the step to join in.
What if someone is mean and says you can’t play? That’s possible, and it would be unpleasant or even hurtful, but don’t let that stop you. If you stay by yourself, you definitely won’t join. So, if one group doesn’t work out, try another.
Don’t wait for an invitation. Go out and find the fun and friends you want.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
