Hi there,

Although boys tend to play more with boys, and girls tend to play more with girls, boy-girl friendships are common. They’re also a great model for adult relationships. Unfortunately, social pressures may make them less stable than other friendships.

In this week’s episode, Calvin is upset when his friend says she doesn’t want to play with him because he’s a boy. (She just noticed that?!) I offer some possible reasons and responses.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 117 - How to tell if a friend is loyal (Julian, Age 12)

Ep. 111 - Friend won’t forgive her (Thea, Age 10)

Ep. 71 - Is she a friend or not? (Tali, Age 11)

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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Do you have any boy-girl friendships? Why do you think those are less common than same-sex friendships?

• Have you evern been in a situation where someone said, “No boys allowed!” or “No girls allowed!”? Why do you think kids sometimes say that? How would you want to respond if someone said that to you?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “Friendship is not about categories; it’s about particular people.” What does that mean?

• Calvin’s friend said something unkind. Do you think that Calvin and his friend will be able to get past this friendship rough spot? What could Calvin’s friend could do to repair their friendship? What could Calvin do?

Transcript

Do you think boys are more active than girls? According to an article in Scientific American, the average boy is more active than about two-thirds of girls. But that means that about one-third of girls are more active than the average boy!

I’m sure you know some very active boys and girls as well as some very inactive boys and girls, and lots of kids who are somewhere in the middle, in terms of activity.

The answer to the question–Are boys more active than girls?–is: it depends on the boy and the girl!

So, what does this have to do with friendship? Friendship is not about categories; it’s about particular people. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, I’m Calvin. I’m 8 years old. My question is, what do I do if my friend says that she doesn’t want to play with me because I’m a boy? Thank you!

Hi, Calvin! Thanks for sending in your question! Ouch! I bet it hurt your feelings to hear your friend say she wouldn’t play with you just because you’re a boy. That was definitely not a kind thing for her to say!

Whenever you hit a friendship rough spot, it’s always a good idea to try to imagine what the other person might have been thinking or feeling. That can help us figure out good ways to respond.

One possibility is that that day, your friend wanted to play with some other kids, who happen to be girls, and she was clumsy about how she told you that.

Another possibility is that someone teased her about playing with a boy, and she felt embarrassed and didn’t know how to respond, so she decided it would be easier for her not to play with you.

Still another possibility is that she’s trying to figure out what it means to be a girl, and she got a little confused and thought girls are only allowed to play with girls.

Or maybe she was just in a grumpy mood that day, and you happened to be a handy target.

I don’t know which (if any) of these explanations is correct. There are probably other possibilities that you can think of. But one thing that stands out to me about all of these explanations is that they have more to do with her than with you. Realizing that might help you take her comment less personally.

So, how can you respond?

If you think it’s a just-that-day situation, maybe because she wanted to play with someone else, or she was in a grumpy mood, you might want to give her a little space. You could shrug and say, “Okay,” and play with someone else for that day, then try again to play with her the next day.

If you think it’s a not-sure-of-herself situation because she got teased, or she’s confused, you might want to try just stepping over her comment. You could smile and say, “That’s silly! We played together yesterday!” then suggest something fun to do together, like “Let’s go play on the monkey bars!” or “Let’s build a fence out of sticks!”

If she’s a close friend, you could tell her privately (not when other kids are around), “I felt hurt when you said that,” then ask for what you want: “Please include me” or “Let’s continue playing together.”

Probably about half of your class is female. When you grow up, you’re likely to work with both men and women. About half the world is the other gender! I hope you and your friend get past this friendship rough spot, but either way, I think you should feel proud of yourself that you can see people, not just categories. That’s what matters in friendship.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.