“My kid doesn’t listen!”

This common parent complaint is filled with frustration! It’s aggravating to feel ignored. It’s hard not to take it personally… to conclude that our child doesn’t respect us. It’s also tempting to raise the volume of our requests or resort to threats.

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

If power struggles and disrespectful tones have been creeping into your home, my workshop Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Connection and Cooperation will give you practical, research-based strategies you can use right away — no yelling, no guilt, no exhausting battles.

In the meantime, the answer to being heard may be to make it easier for our children to listen. Here are some ideas:

If you want your child to put her dishes in the dishwasher, it’s easier for her to listen if you ask as soon as she stands up from the dinner table, rather than waiting until she has walked away and is relaxing on the couch.

Your request that your child clean up his room is more likely to get a positive response if you don’t ask when he’s in the middle of an exciting videogame.

You also want to avoid making challenging requests when your child is:

• tired

• hungry

• or emotionally distraught

Here’s a situation that comes up a lot in my practice:

“Every night we tell our child to get ready for bed. Then we go upstairs to check on him 45 minutes later, and she’s taken off one sock.”

If this happens every night, that approach clearly isn’t working.

It doesn’t matter if:

• most kids this age can get ready for bed independently

• we believe children this age ought to be able to do so

We have to deal with the child in front of us.

Reasonable expectations reflect what the child is currently doing – or just a bit beyond that.

If you have to ask your child 14 times before she listens, you’re training him to ignore you 13 out of 14 requests.

Try instead:

1. Walk over.

2. Make eye contact.

3. Put your hand gently on your child’s shoulder.

4. Give your request calmly and confidently.

5. Stay there until your child begins moving in the right direction.

Also be careful not to overload your child with too many instructions. Some children need to repeat back the instructions:

“So, what is it you need to do when we get home?”

If you’re noticing a pattern of eye-rolling, snappy responses, or refusal to follow reasonable limits, those behaviors can feel very discouraging. In Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection, I walk you through exactly how to shift these patterns – while strengthening your relationship with your child.

Tell your child what he should do, not what he shouldn’t.

If you ask a child to stop bouncing a basketball, chances are that child will bounce it three more times—not because he’s trying to be defiant, kids aren’t wired to stop instantly.

Redirection works better.

Instead of:

• “Stop bouncing the ball.”

Try:

• “Do five more bounces, then put the ball in the box in the garage.”

Instead of:

• “Time to go!”

Try:

• “Do your last thing, then we need to walk home.”

Kids love to laugh. You don’t need to be a great comedian – just a little silly.

Try:

• singing instructions

• using an accent

• pretending a sock or oven mitt is a puppet giving the instructions

• turning the task into a game or contest (kids vs. grown-ups contests are fun!)

For example:

“Can you get in your jammies before Mommy changes out of her work clothes?”

It’s easier for kids to do frustrating or unpleasant tasks if they have company.

This also avoids the classic kid objection:

“No fair! Why do I have to do it?”

Instead of threats, make a simple when–then statement:

• “When you’re done with your piano practice, then you can invite your friend over.”

• “When your homework is finished, then you can go play outside.”

• “When your toys are picked up, then we can go to the park.”

This type of when-then statement shows that your child is in control of when a positive outcome occurs.

You can also tie desired actions to natural cues:

• “When this show is over, then you need to head upstairs for a shower.”

• “When you finish your cereal, then you need to brush your teeth.”

No one likes to feel controlled – including children.

Give your child two options (more than that is overwhelming):

• “This or that?”

• “Now or then?”

• “Me or you?”

Both choices should be equally acceptable to you.

Kids are more likely to comply when they know what to expect.

You can reinforce routines by stating an impersonal “law of the universe”:

• “Coats belong in the closet.”

• “8 pm means bedtime.”

These types of statements are less likely to make your child feel personally “persecuted” by your request.

Barking orders invites resistance. A pleasant, polite request works better.

Too often, we use our best manners with strangers and don’t make the effort to be kind and civil with our families.

Modeling good manners makes it more likely your child will speak politely to you.

You’ll find even more practical strategies in my workshop,
Turn Kids’ Disrespect into Cooperation and Connection.

You’ll learn what to do when your child backtalks, how to respond to misbehavior in ways that encourage better choices, and the two crucial ingredients for raising cooperative kids.

LEARN MORE

Dr. Friendtastic for Parents is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.