Hi there,

Having a good conversation with a friend is one of my favorite things to do. But no one is born knowing how to talk with others. In this week’s episode, I offer some practical ideas to make it easier for kids to have enjoyable conversations.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured workshop: Turn Kids’ Disrepect into Connection and Cooperation.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 72 - Making friends in a new school (Nora, Age 8)

Ep. 70 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)

Ep. 92 - What to say when a friend is feeling down (Mason, Age 13)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Why do you think kids sometimes feel nervous about talking with other people? (Hint: What might they be afraid of?)

• Who do you enjoy chatting with? Why? (Hint: What do they do that makes your conversation enjoyable?)

• How could you answer the question “How are you?” using the “Great!”-plus-one-fact formula? (Reminder: The “one fact” should create a picture in the listener’s mind.) Why might this be a useful formula for conversations?

• Dr. Friendtastic says, “focus on being interested more than interesting.” What does that mean? Why might it be a helpful approach to conversations?

Transcript

A friend of mine used to have a pet parrot, named Richard, who could talk. He especially liked saying, “Really? Wow!” because he had often heard my friend say those words when she was talking on the phone.

Alex the African gray parrot was a famous parrot who could understand over 100 words and even count up to 6. Parrots can learn the meaning of words like “peanut,” and they can figure out that saying “Hello” will get people to pay attention to them, but they can’t really have a conversation.

A conversation is more than just talking. Stay tuned.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

I’ll get back to answering questions from kids about friendship next time, but today, I want to take a deep dive into how to have a conversation.

Some kids find it easy to talk with other people, but some kids feel awkward because they don’t know what to say.

Today I’m going to give you five conversation tips to make it easier for you to chat with others.

First, get things started.

If you’re looking down or looking away, other people might think you don’t like them or don’t want anything to do with them. So, find your courage, and try talking to someone. You can start a conversation by giving a compliment. You could say, “I like your sweater!” or “Nice catch!” You could also ask a question that begins with how or what, or just comment about a situation or activity you’re both in. If the other person doesn’t continue the conversation, that’s okay. No harm done. At least you tried.

Second, match the emotional tone of the group.

If a bunch of kids are already talking, you can join in by making a comment that has the same emotional tone. So, if they’re all complaining about the social studies test, you don’t want to say, “Well, I thought it was easy!” That would be like a sour note in a melody. The conversation was going along, la la la la la, and then ERK.

Now, you shouldn’t lie or pretend you’re dumb. That doesn’t help relationships! Instead, you could match the tone by saying something like, “I can’t believe there were three essay questions!” or “I can’t believe we had to do the social studies test the same day as the math test!”

Tip three is to take turns.

A conversation is like a game of catch. If one person hogs the ball too long, it wrecks the game. So, if you go on and on and don’t let anyone else have a turn to talk, other people are going to feel annoyed. If the other person is showing they’re interested by listening, nodding, or asking questions, you’re fine. If they’re looking away or seem frustrated or bored, maybe you went on too long. You can change directions by saying, “Well, that’s enough about that,” or “Well, you get the idea,” then ask a question to get the other person talking.

Tip 4 is to share information that helps the conversation keep going.

If someone asks you a “How are you?” question, don’t give a bland answer like “fine” because there’s nowhere to go from there.

Instead, you could use the formula: “Great!” plus one fact. The “great” shows enthusiasm. The “one fact” should be something that creates a picture in the listener’s mind. For example, if your aunt asks, “How’s school?” you could say, “Great! We’re learning about the planets, and we’re going to go on a field trip to the planetarium!” That one fact creates a picture in your aunt’s mind and offers lots of possibilities for the conversation to continue. If a friend asks, “How was your weekend?” you could say, “Great! My sister and I made cookies!”

What if your weekend wasn’t great? If it’s a close friend, you could confide in them about your problems. If it’s someone you don’t know that well, it may be better to find something in the whole weekend that you can honestly be positive about.

Finally, tip number 5 is to focus on being interested more than interesting. A lot of kids feel anxious about conversations because they think they have to say something clever or impressive. You don’t. The best conversationalists get the other person talking. Try to be genuinely interested in getting to know the other person, and remember what they say to show you care. You can even contribute to a conversation without saying a word, just by smiling, nodding, and paying attention.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.