Hi,

Making choices can be hard, especially when choosing one option means letting go of another. In this week’s episode, Haya has to choose between two friends’ birthday parties that are scheduled at the same time. I talk about some factors to consider in making her choice and how to maintain closeness with the friend whose birthday party is her second choice.

Want to help your child get ready for the social side of school in under half an hour for fr33? Check out the Dr. Friendtastic Back-to-School listening challenge!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

LEARN MORE

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 110 - Being apart from a friend (Matilda, age 5)

Ep. 93 - Not invited to a party! (Alice, age 6)

Ep. 60 - Friends invited but not him (Henry, age 8)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think About It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What’s the best celebration you’ve had for your birthday? What made it so special

• Which would you enjoy attending more: a big party with lots of kids or a small party with just a few kids? Why?

• Splitting your time by attending only part of each of two parties that were scheduled at the same time seems fair, but there can be problems with that. What are the downsides of that solution? (Hint: think of how the birthday kid, other guests, and you might feel.)

• If a close friend invites you to their birthday party but you can’t attend, what are some things you can do to show that friend you care about them?

Transcript

You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Have you heard that saying? It means that in some situations, when there are two options, you can’t have both. You have to choose one or the other.

For instance, if you eat a piece a cake, then you don’t have it anymore. It’s gone! It’s in your stomach! If you want to keep the piece of cake, then you can’t eat it.

Now, if you’re like me, you might be thinking, “Well, what if I eat just a few bites of the cake? Then I’ll still have some cake left and also get to eat some cake!” But in some situations, it’s not easy to go halfway. We have to pick one option or another.

In this episode, we’ll talk about a choice that can affect friendships. Stay tuned!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, my name is Haya. I'm 6 years old. I have a problem. My problem is I'm invited to two birthdays happening in the same time. How can I choose which one to go to?

Hi, Haya! Thanks for sending in your question! Lucky you! It feels good to be invited to fun events! But my guess is that you’re also feeling frustrated that the two birthday parties are on at the same time, and maybe you’re also worried about both missing out on the fun of one party and hurting the feelings of the friend whose party you don’t attend.

So, let’s consider your options. Obviously, you can’t be in two places at the same time.

If the parties are nearby, it might be possible to split your time, attending the start of one party and the end of the other. That seems fair, but it may not be the best option. It could come across to the first birthday kid like you’re saying, “You’re party is boring. I’m leaving for a better party!” And it could come across to the second birthday kid like you’re saying, “I’m too busy and important to come to your whole party! I’ll just pop in for a bit at the end!” It might also be hard for you to leave the first party, when other kids are having fun, or arrive late at the second party, when you’ve missed the fun activities the other kids have done.

If you got one invitation before the other one, it’s probably fairest to accept the invitation you got first. If you’ve already said yes to an invitation, the polite and respectful thing to do is to keep your word and show up for that party, even if you’d rather go to the other party.

If you got both invitations on the same day, you could choose which activity you’d prefer. You could also consider which friend you feel closer to.

But there’s another thing you might want to consider: at which party is your participation more important? Suppose one party is a big shindig with the whole grade invited, and the other party is smaller, with just a few friends invited. It might be hard for you to miss out on the big party, but whether or not you attend probably doesn’t make that much difference to everyone’s enjoyment. On the other hand, it will be very noticeable if you don’t attend the smaller party.

Whichever party you choose to attend, try to make sure that the other birthday kid feels appreciated. Be sure to thank them for inviting you. It was kind of them to want you there to celebrate their special day! You don’t have to explain that you’re going to someone else’s party because that could hurt their feelings. Just say you have another commitment.

If it’s a close friend, you may want to give them a present, even though you can’t attend their party. You could also make a plan to celebrate their birthday at a different time, with just the two of you.

It’s hard to turn down an invitation from a friend and miss out on some fun! But missing one event isn’t going to break your friendship, especially if you find other ways to show you care about this friend.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!

The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.