Hi,

Being ignored is painful. When a friend is ignoring them, kids may feel hurt, angry, worried, or helpless. How can they break through the silence without pushing the friend away? Hear my suggestions for Emma in this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast.

Reminder: Check out the Dr. Friendtastic Back-to-School listening challenge! Help your child start the school year feeling more prepared for the social side of school, in less than half an hour! At zero cost!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured online workshop:
Friendship Skills – FOR KIDS!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep 111 - Friend won’t forgive her (Thea, Age 11)

Ep. 102 - How to express your feelings with friends (Aida, Age 5)

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

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1. Send in your child’s question!!!

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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think About It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Why is positive attention better than negative attention? (Hint: how do others react?) What are some things you do or could do to get positive attention from friends?

• Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like a friend was ignoring you? What happened? Did you ever learn why your friend was ignoring you? How did you handle it?

• What would it look like if you were trying to be enjoyable company for a friend? (Hint: What would you do or say?)

• When a friend has been distant lately, why is “I miss you!” a better message to communicate than “You’re mean! Stop ignoring me!”?

• Why is not speaking to someone a bad way to handle conflicts?

  How is ignoring someone different from taking a short break to calm yourself down?

Transcript

How do you get someone’s attention?

You could say, “Hi. How’s it going?”

You could wear a clown nose, a feather boa, and bunny slippers, all at the same time.

You could yodel very loudly. Odeley-hee-hoo!

You could jump on them. That would be hard to ignore!

Hmmm. There are lots of ways to get attention, but not all of them help your friendship!

Listen to learn more!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

Hi, my name is Emma. I’m 13 years old, and my question is: How do you let a friend know that you're feeling ignored by them without seeming too clingy?

Hi, Emma, Thanks for sending in your question! That sounds like a very tricky situation! I’m guessing you’re feeling hurt and lonely because your friend is ignoring you. You might also be feeling angry that she’s treating you that way.

Part of you probably wants to give your friend a piece of your mind and tell her, “You’re being mean! Stop ignoring me!” But another part of you knows that probably wouldn’t go well, and you’re worried about pushing her away even more!

That leads us to an important idea: the difference between positive versus negative attention. Positive attention is when people notice you for good reasons; they like what they see! Negative attention is when people notice you for negative reasons, so they feel annoyed, frustrated, or disgusted. Yikes! Sometimes kids seek negative attention when they think they can’t get positive attention, but negative attention never builds a friendship. It makes people want to get away

There are a lot of reasons why your friend might be ignoring you. Maybe she’s very busy with new activities. Maybe your schedules have changed, so you don’t have as much time together as you did. Maybe she’s become closer to other friends.

You can’t control any of that. The only thing you can control is what you do.

Think about recent times you’ve been with your friend. Would you say you’ve been enjoyable company for her?

I know, it’s hard to be friendly when you’re feeling hurt. I’m not saying you have to be fake and pretend you’re happy when you’re not. Being fake never helps build a friendship.

On the other hand, if you’re with your friend and you’re sulking and looking miserable or sitting there silently glaring at her, well, that’s not going to help your cause.

It’s possible that your friend doesn’t know you’re feeling ignored. So, you might need to tell her, but you’ll want to do it in a way that’s likely to build rather than hurt your connection.

You might want to wait for a moment when it’s just the two of you and tell her, “I miss you!” Then invite her to do something fun with you. If you can spend enjoyable time together, then it might rekindle your friendship.

You might also be able to reconnect by showing interest in her new friends or activities, but we can’t force other people to feel close to us.

If you think the disconnection is temporary, because she’s distracted with something, patience and caring might help. Depending on the situation, you could send her a note saying something like, “Good luck with your tournament!” or “I can’t wait to see you in the musical!” or just “Thinking of you. I’m here if you want to chat or just hang out.” Then wait for her to come to you.

If the friendship was good before, maybe you’ll become close again at some point. You want to leave the door open for that. But for now, focus on taking care of yourself. If this friend isn’t showing up for you the way you want or need, it’s probably a good idea for you to build up friendships with other people, so you’re not counting only on her.

There’s one more possibility I can think of: Maybe she’s secretly mad at you and ignoring you on purpose. I hope that’s not the case! Not talking to someone is never a good way to deal with conflicts. It’s unkind, and it doesn’t solve anything. If you think that’s what’s going on, don’t chase her. Don’t try to drag it out of her why she’s mad at you. It’s her job to speak up if she has a problem. Just be friendly when you’re together and invest your time and energy in other friends.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.