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How to Show Openness to Friendship
Hi,
Yesterday evening, when my husband and I went for a walk after dinner, it was positively chilly! I had to wear a fleece jacket. It was a sign that summer is winding down and the hecticness of a new school year is just around the corner.
Sometimes kids tend to wait around hoping someone else will make the first move in starting a friendship. In today’s episode, I focus on how they get things started by showing openness to friendship.
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
LEARN MORE
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 85: Fitting in versus being true to yourself (Nev, Age 11)
Ep. 67: Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)
Ep. 52: Friend’s parents don’t like him (Tyler, Age 12)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What does it mean to be open to friendship? Why might kids sometimes NOT be open to friendship?
Think of a time when you started a friendship. How did you and your friend show that you liked each other and were interested in becoming friends?
Dr. Friendtastic mentioned two mistakes that kids can make in trying to be kind. What are they? Why are they mistakes? (Hint: How might they lead others to think or feel?)
What are some signs that another kid wants to be friends with you?
Picture a refrigerator in your mind. What do you imagine? Probably a bland box. Not very interesting.
Now imagine that you open the refrigerator, and see lots of yummy food! What do you see? I imagine a bowl of blackberries–the big, fat, juicy kind! Yum!
So, what does this have to do with friendship? Well, refrigerators have to just stand there, waiting for someone to open them up. But people are not refrigerators! People can choose to open up and invite others to get to know them and maybe become friends. In this episode, I’ll talk about how to do that.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer about making and keeping friends, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
I’ll get back to answering kids’ questions about friendship next week, but today, I want to talk about an important topic, especially as many kids in the Northern Hemisphere are heading back to school, and that is: showing openness to friendship.
Every friendship begins with some sign that two people are interested in becoming friends. So, to make a new friend, we have to communicate that we like that person, and we want to spend time with them and get to know them better. Preschoolers will sometimes ask straight out, “Wanna be my friend?” but older kids usually signal liking less directly. So, what might that look like?
Showing openness to friendship starts with our nonverbal communication. That means what we communicate without words, through our face and body.
Imagine two kids: One is standing off by himself, frowning. His arms are crossed, and he’s looking down, with his back turned toward everyone.
The second kid is near the group, smiling, nodding, looking and listening to what others are saying. Her arms are relaxed, and she’s turned toward others.
Who seems more open to friendship? The second kid, right? Her face and body signal, “I’m ready to connect!” The first kid is communicating, “I don’t want to be here! I don’t like any of you!” He might just feel shy or embarrassed, but he’s signalling, “Stay away from me!”
A quick and easy way to show openness to friendship is to smile when you see someone. That shows you’re happy to see them. You might also want to say hi and add their name, if you know it, to make the greeting more personal.
You could also try offering a sincere compliment. Sincere means you honestly mean it. You could compliment something they’re wearing–“I like your shirt!” or “Cool sneakers!” Or, you could compliment something they did–“Nice catch!” or “I like the way you drew the sky!”
Kids mostly make friends by doing fun things together. You could invite another kid to play a game with you, or you could try to join whatever game they’re playing.
Small kindnesses can be another way to show openness to friendship. This could mean lending a pencil to a classmate, saving them a seat, helping them carry something, or sharing a lunch treat.
But be careful because there are two ways to mess up trying to connect through kindness.
One mistake is to do something that you might think is kind, but the other kid doesn’t. For instance, if you grab or hug someone who doesn’t want to be grabbed or hugged, or if you insist that they have to play only with you when they want to play with others, or if you call them by a name they don’t like, even if you think those actions are kind, they’re not. If the other kid feels uncomfortable with what you’re doing, then it doesn’t count as kindness.
Another possible mistake is to try to buy friends by giving away money or things that matter to you. Other kids will probably take whatever you offer, but they won’t do the same for you, and they could lose respect for you. Going overboard with gifts can come across as desperation rather than openness.
It takes courage to show openness. What if you try to be friendly and someone ignores you or reacts negatively?
That’s possible. But most of the time, if we behave in friendly, open ways, others will respond in friendly, open ways. That can be the start of getting to know each other and maybe even becoming friends.
Being open is also a lot more fun than standing around like a refrigerator, waiting for someone to come by and try to open you up.
I have one more hint for you: In addition to showing openness to friendship, be on the lookout for kids who might be doing the same to you! My guess is that somewhere in that new class, activity, or group you’re joining, there’s a kid who’s waiting to be your friend!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
View all episodes
By Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhDHi,
Yesterday evening, when my husband and I went for a walk after dinner, it was positively chilly! I had to wear a fleece jacket. It was a sign that summer is winding down and the hecticness of a new school year is just around the corner.
Sometimes kids tend to wait around hoping someone else will make the first move in starting a friendship. In today’s episode, I focus on how they get things started by showing openness to friendship.
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
LEARN MORE
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 85: Fitting in versus being true to yourself (Nev, Age 11)
Ep. 67: Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)
Ep. 52: Friend’s parents don’t like him (Tyler, Age 12)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What does it mean to be open to friendship? Why might kids sometimes NOT be open to friendship?
Think of a time when you started a friendship. How did you and your friend show that you liked each other and were interested in becoming friends?
Dr. Friendtastic mentioned two mistakes that kids can make in trying to be kind. What are they? Why are they mistakes? (Hint: How might they lead others to think or feel?)
What are some signs that another kid wants to be friends with you?
Picture a refrigerator in your mind. What do you imagine? Probably a bland box. Not very interesting.
Now imagine that you open the refrigerator, and see lots of yummy food! What do you see? I imagine a bowl of blackberries–the big, fat, juicy kind! Yum!
So, what does this have to do with friendship? Well, refrigerators have to just stand there, waiting for someone to open them up. But people are not refrigerators! People can choose to open up and invite others to get to know them and maybe become friends. In this episode, I’ll talk about how to do that.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer about making and keeping friends, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
I’ll get back to answering kids’ questions about friendship next week, but today, I want to talk about an important topic, especially as many kids in the Northern Hemisphere are heading back to school, and that is: showing openness to friendship.
Every friendship begins with some sign that two people are interested in becoming friends. So, to make a new friend, we have to communicate that we like that person, and we want to spend time with them and get to know them better. Preschoolers will sometimes ask straight out, “Wanna be my friend?” but older kids usually signal liking less directly. So, what might that look like?
Showing openness to friendship starts with our nonverbal communication. That means what we communicate without words, through our face and body.
Imagine two kids: One is standing off by himself, frowning. His arms are crossed, and he’s looking down, with his back turned toward everyone.
The second kid is near the group, smiling, nodding, looking and listening to what others are saying. Her arms are relaxed, and she’s turned toward others.
Who seems more open to friendship? The second kid, right? Her face and body signal, “I’m ready to connect!” The first kid is communicating, “I don’t want to be here! I don’t like any of you!” He might just feel shy or embarrassed, but he’s signalling, “Stay away from me!”
A quick and easy way to show openness to friendship is to smile when you see someone. That shows you’re happy to see them. You might also want to say hi and add their name, if you know it, to make the greeting more personal.
You could also try offering a sincere compliment. Sincere means you honestly mean it. You could compliment something they’re wearing–“I like your shirt!” or “Cool sneakers!” Or, you could compliment something they did–“Nice catch!” or “I like the way you drew the sky!”
Kids mostly make friends by doing fun things together. You could invite another kid to play a game with you, or you could try to join whatever game they’re playing.
Small kindnesses can be another way to show openness to friendship. This could mean lending a pencil to a classmate, saving them a seat, helping them carry something, or sharing a lunch treat.
But be careful because there are two ways to mess up trying to connect through kindness.
One mistake is to do something that you might think is kind, but the other kid doesn’t. For instance, if you grab or hug someone who doesn’t want to be grabbed or hugged, or if you insist that they have to play only with you when they want to play with others, or if you call them by a name they don’t like, even if you think those actions are kind, they’re not. If the other kid feels uncomfortable with what you’re doing, then it doesn’t count as kindness.
Another possible mistake is to try to buy friends by giving away money or things that matter to you. Other kids will probably take whatever you offer, but they won’t do the same for you, and they could lose respect for you. Going overboard with gifts can come across as desperation rather than openness.
It takes courage to show openness. What if you try to be friendly and someone ignores you or reacts negatively?
That’s possible. But most of the time, if we behave in friendly, open ways, others will respond in friendly, open ways. That can be the start of getting to know each other and maybe even becoming friends.
Being open is also a lot more fun than standing around like a refrigerator, waiting for someone to come by and try to open you up.
I have one more hint for you: In addition to showing openness to friendship, be on the lookout for kids who might be doing the same to you! My guess is that somewhere in that new class, activity, or group you’re joining, there’s a kid who’s waiting to be your friend!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.