Hi,

Forgiveness is complicated! It’s hard to give, and sometimes even harder to receive. We can’t force someone to forgive us.

In this week’s episode, Thea raises issues about forgiveness and also about boy-girl friendshjips. Let me know what youe rhink!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

LEARN MORE

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep 107 - Secrets to self-control in friends (Alex, age 10)

Ep 97 - How and why to understand a friend’s feelings (Zoya, age 5)

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., age 11)

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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think About It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Sometimes kids try to hide what they think or feel because other kids are teasing them. Have you ever been in that situation? What do you think are some good ways to handle teasing?

• Why is it important to apologize when you’ve made a mistake with a friend? (Hint: What does the apology communicate to the friend?)

• Have you ever forgiven a friend for a mistake? Have you ever not been able to forgive a friend?

• Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. How are they different?

• What is self-forgiveness? Why is it important? How is self-forgiveness different from not caring about how your actions affect others?

Transcript

Have you ever made a mistake with a friend? Of course you have! We all have!

Usually, we can get past a friendship rough spot by apologizing, doing what we can to make the situation right, and trying not to make the same mistake again.

But what if you’ve done all that, and your friend won’t forgive you? Ouch. That stings.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, I’m Thea. I'm 10 years old. I live in Cyprus, and I want to ask you, how can I earn my friend back? Like, so one day at school, I had to like say something really mean because I felt like if I didn't say it, everybody would make fun of me. And one day, I said in front of everybody–even him–that I hate him. And now I feel so ashamed. And I felt like it didn't do anything; it was just words. But to this day, I feel like he doesn't want to be my friend, and I don't know if it was because of that or something else. How can I tell him I'm sorry, that I apologize, even though I already apologized, and he said no, and I don't know what to do to make up for it.

Hi, Thea. Wow, that sounds like a complicated situation! My guess is that kids were teasing you about liking this boy romantically, and you felt embarrassed, so you just blurted out, “No, I hate him!” That’s not how you really felt; you just wanted them to stop teasing you!

By the way, it’s absolutely possible for boys and girls to be friends without any romantic involvement. In fact, that’s very healthy and a great model for adult relationships. So the teasers were being silly and nosy. It’s not their job to define your relationships!

But let’s try to imagine how your friend felt in that moment. He might also have felt uncomfortable about the teasing. He might have felt hurt and confused by your comment about hating him and also angry and embarrassed about having an audience of other kids hear your remark.

So, what can you do?

If someone is teasing you by saying, “Is he your boyfriend?!?!”, you could say, in a neutral tone of voice, “No, we’re just pals,” or “We’re buddies.” If they persist in teasing you, you could act puzzled and say, “You seem unusually concerned about my relationship. Are you trying to date him?” I bet that would end the conversation quickly.

But the more important issue is your friendship.

It sounds like you apologized right away, which is great, but maybe your friend needed more time to cool off. Maybe what you apologized for was not his main concern. Or maybe the rift reflects that he’s fed up with being teased about your friendship.

You may want to try reaching out to him, in a friendly way, when there’s not an audience of other kids around. What did you do together before the rift? Maybe you could say, “I miss hanging out with you. Do you want to ride bikes together tomorrow?” or “Do you want to come over and play basketball this afternoon?”

If that feels like too big of a step, you could try giving a sincere compliment or asking an interested question beginning with What or How, to gently reconnect. You could say, “I like how you did the background in your painting!” or “How’s your dog?” or “What do you think of the new Marvel movie?” You could also try doing a small kindness for him, like helping him or sharing something with him.

Once you’ve reconnected by having fun–or at least a pleasant interaction–you might want to apologize again. Be careful not to make excuses or tell him it’s no big deal because maybe it is a big deal for him. On the flip side, you also don’t have to put yourself down or beg for his forgiveness. Just say, “I’m sorry for saying I hated you. I didn’t mean it.’ You could also ask, “Is there anything else I’ve done that bothers you?”

Unfortunately, we can’t force people to forgive us or want to be with us. I don’t know if you’re going to be able to rebuild this friendship, but if it was a good friendship before, it’s worth a try.

Whether he softens toward you or continues to shut you out, there’s one more thing you need to work on, and that’s forgiving yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is what happens next. What have you learned from this incident? How do you want to move forward?

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.