Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

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I have impulsive tendencies.

It’s a gift because some people think it’s spontaneous.

And sometimes it is.

It can be perceived as romantic. Like when I take my wife’s hand and dance in our living room in front of the kids.

It’s also a curse because I end up making bad decisions, especially when it’s mixed with anxiety and/or anger.

In my 20s, I committed a crime because of my impulsivity. It’s true. Thankfully, they didn’t press charges.

I’ve made terrible financial decisions due to my impulsivity.

Earlier this year, I made a terrible and impulsive financial decision. I made an impulsive bet. If it worked out, I might have been a genius. But it didn’t. And I suffered the consequence of being out a lot of money.

In life, we have traps we fall into. Sometimes we have to fall into them a few times before we learn. Hopefully, we don’t.

Pain & Suffering

Another lesson I learned from that financial experience was the distinction between pain and suffering.

Pain is the initial set of sensations and emotions you feel during an undesired experience.

Suffering is the unconscious projection of that pain into the future. It’s the shame-filled judgements we place on our experience. It’s believing that the pain isn’t momentary; it’s believing that it will last forever.

Pain is the somatic sensation and the emotions I felt when I lost the money. Nervousness, anxiety, trepidation, frustration, anger, fear.

Suffering is the ongoing (and unnecessary) narrative I fell into after the mistake was already acknowledged.

The narrative was insidious. It was playing in the background without my consent.

It started to say, “You stupid idiot. Why did you let this happen again? You’re such a d*****s.”

Suffering tends to be shame and guilt-ridden. It tends to be less about the behavior and more about your character too.

Suffering causes us to hurt others.

Brené Brown said, “When we're suffering, many of us are better at causing pain than feeling it. We spread hurt rather than let it inside.”

I was avoiding my pain so I unconsciously attached to the narrative of my suffering. It started to be my identity. And I hurt others because of it.

I wondered, dang, where did I learn those accusations?

That I’m an idiot? And a d*****s?

Where is that suffering narrative coming from?

Is that me? Or is that playing on its own?

In a mindfulness practice, one of the teachings is that we are not the authors of our thoughts. Tamara Levitt, Head of Mindfulness at Calm, says “With awareness, we can make conscious choices, instead of letting our habitual thoughts and patterns run the show.”

I made a conscious choice to be aware of my habitual and unconscious thought patterns. I decided they do not define me. I am not the author of that narrative. That’s something else that I unconsciously picked up from somewhere else. It’s a bug in the system. It needs reprogramming.

The reality I anchored into was that it was a mistake that cost a lot of money, full stop. I’m glad I learned it because when I am a multi-millionaire, I won’t have to learn that mistake again. I’m glad I paid for that mistake now.

I owned my impulsivity.

And that’s where it ends.

In fact, I’ll rise above it.

I’ll create that money back. By the time of this writing, I have created that money back, with interest. Because I’m not an idiot. I am creative. I am a creator of my world. The world is full of opportunities and I will be able to create that money again.

How about you?What mistakes have you punished yourself enough for?And where did you learn that?

Dear friend, you are human. You will make mistakes. That’s part of our existence.

But let your mistakes end there.

Don’t twist the knife.

Take ownership of the mistake.

And then, be gracious to yourself.

In Hebrew, grace literally means “protect life” or “protect essence” - so to be gracious to yourself means to protect your aliveness, your life force, your essence. To protect your True Self.

Grace, according to the dictionary, is a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance.

So, being gracious to yourself, is a state of holy enjoyment. It’s a grounding in the truth of who you really are and receiving the ancient reality of your divine nature.

Please remember, feeling the pain of the mistake is the first step. Feel it. Notice the way your body reacts to it. That’s the antidote.

Suffering is trying to escape the pain and projecting it into the future.

Be gracious to yourself. You are of the Divine. Protect your essence. Remember who you are. Receive grace, it is yours to begin with.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

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