Bereavement Room

Today marks the last episode of Series 3, the Wash up. Wrapping up 3 seasons of Bereavement Room, several guests later, and a worldwide listen it's now time to bid you farewell. I guess you could say Bereavement Room is my love letter to brown and black communities. 

I created my podcast because I was discriminated in therapy when seeking support for the death of my younger brother, this was a time where many changes came into my life. I wanted to know what the barriers in therapy might be for minoritised communities as i had faced so many. 

Exploring anger, frustration and disappointment in the way our human experiences are dealt with in all areas of society and our environments, whether the workplace or education provider supports brown and black folk with their bereavement in the same way they support their white employees and students. 

In my 20s I am not sure I explored the death of my mother, I didn't grieve out loud, it was this traumatic event in my life that often went unspoken because people didn't really want to sit down and talk about it. I was excluded given 1 day off work to deal with it by my employer when I asked them to support me through this difficult time. 

My family, solo travelling and blogging is what held me at the time but it was not something I could talk about with friends or colleagues and if I tried i would get gaslighted or a conspiracy of silence would play out. 

After my brothers death I did not feel well and realised I needed to carve out my own space to address unfiltered and unspoken truths, the only way to do that was to cultivate solidarity with black and brown communities, provide a space to be heard, that I wasn't allowed to have in my 20s. 

I wanted to raise points that are often overlooked within the diaspora, the lack of understanding of how death and grief might manifest within communities of the diaspora, that we are not a monolith despite all these labels that are given to us by the system and dominant voices in our communities.

Death effects everyone, grief is of course universal but the narrative is not and this will add an additional layer to the process that people must hold space for. 

Knowing that a lot of bereavement/grief podcasts were over saturated with white communities rarely ever inviting black and brown folk to the table as a guest, I knew i had to create a death cafe and podcast for us, somewhere we can be heard without being censored and told how to do this. 

Guest episodes were produced around some of the following topics, NHS negligence, suicide, faith, heritage, culture, rituals, therapy, barriers we face, the economy, colonialism, mental health in the student population, Muslim mental health, COVID-19, looking after vulnerable family members, grieving in a lockdown, family dynamics, workplace politics & trauma and child bereavement, the list is endless really. I had unpacked more than i intended to when producing the episodes. 

So in this final episode I touch on some of these points and where i am at now 2 and a half years later as the course of this podcast shifted in series 1 following the unexpected death of my father.

I reflect on the importance of effective communication between professionals and patients/clients, what might they carry when delivering a service, using Gloria Likupe's blog here on the BMJ for reference: https://blogs.bmj.com/ebn/2020/01/26/enhancing-communication-with-patients-from-minority-ethnic-groups/ the risks that are involved in our day to day when interacting with communities different to our own.

I also delve into what therapy looked like for me 6 months after my father's death in the middle of lockdown and the issues that arised. I also reflect on regrets, gut feelings, intuition and our friendships. The importance of being a member of a union to help us know what our rights are as employees followed by muslim mental health that often goes unspoken within the muslim community. 

I conclude that it's co-existence or no existence, life is for living in the best possible way, because life is fleeting and tomorrow is never guaranteed. Grief is for a lifetime, and co-existence is so key in how we carry on with our lives. 

Being heard is so important isn't it? When we go unheard we can't claim our own narratives, they are stolen and told from a lense that has never lived your life or walked a day in your shoes, and so I hope my podcast provided some sort of solace, comfort, perhaps you felt seen and witnessed in a safe space, perhaps it was the first time you reflected on your human experiences out loud, whatever my podcast meant to you I hope it helped in some way. 

And so our time in this room has now come to a end, may you be loved and never excluded, may you be seen and witnessed, may you be protected from discrimination and may you find peace in your co-existence. 

with thanks and gratitude to all of my former guests, listeners, supporters and donors of season 3, I bid you farewell take good care of yourselves.

Your host,

Callsuma Ali

This is the penultimate episode of the third and final season, Callsuma takes us through a recap of why Bereavement Room Podcast was born. TRIGGER WARNINGS ahead of today's episode. 

She is joined by today's guest, Writer, Poet and Activist Maya Kalaria.

We open the conversation with racism and microaggressions we both experienced as children growing up in Britain, and the grief that comes with the ramifications of colonization and colonialism. We delve into the deep grief that South Asian communities carry that are passed on through intergenerational trauma. 

Maya talks with Callsuma about the colonial trauma she suffered after her mum died when Maya was only 9 years old, having to blend into a white family as her father remarried. She describes this as living a very white life and is now on the long road to decolonizing her mind, body and wider society. 

Maya opens up about what bereavement is like for a 9 year old, that there are not enough words to describe seeing your mother in a coffin. Maya reflects on the abuse she suffered, that often abuse is wrapped up in love, this is rife in the family system particularly South Asian families. 

For Maya, her identity was stripped away after her mothers death, everything she once knew was no more, she dealt with it the only way she could, a bereaved 9 year old who regularly wrote in her journal to express her grief and rage. 

We close our conversation on gratitude, that we are both thankful for safe spaces where we can speak our truth, the sheer freedom and liberation after being silenced for so long. 

I personally don't know how much of myself i need to decolonize, so i quiz Maya on this and conclude that decolonizing oneself will vary community to community, some communities will need to decolonize more than others, as a British Bengali i feel very rooted in my culture and identity and believe I live a balanced life thanks to my parents, though i may have had periods and phases where i wished i was white so i could be accepted and included to escape racism and being singled out. 

To conclude I don't think i will cut out the problematic popular culture i have consumed most of my life but equally i would agree with Maya it is important to be aware of the context and psychological effects it might have, as for fast fashion, we can't stop buying clothes, what we need to do is call out these awful retailers and corps to hold them accountable for the way they treat garment workers. 

I forgot to ask Maya whether she thinks British Indians benefited from colonialism in any way, particularly wealth because I can't help but think that British Indian communities will likely have to decolonize more than others, there is a stark difference between South Asian communities socio-economically.

Of course the answer is largely no however some communities have assimilated more than others, according to research carried out by Runnymede Trust on economic and social inequalities, this is clearly evident when we look at the level of wealth in the United Kingdom, White British and British Indian people hold the highest level of wealth in comparison to Black, Pakistani and Bangladeshi communities. 

You can find Maya https://linktr.ee/MayaKalaria

You can find me, Callsuma https://linktr.ee/bereavementroom 

Thanks for listening,

Your host

Callsuma Ali

Joining Callsuma in the room today is British Bangladeshi, Shamsul Islam. In light of South Asian Heritage Month, I have chosen to have a uncomfortable and vulnerable conversation about the impact Covid-19 has had on one Bangladeshi family. 

A report published by Public Health England (PHE) on the impact of coronavirus on ethnic minority groups, has found that people of Bangladeshi heritage are dying at twice the rate of white Britons. Other black, Asian and minority ethnic groups had between 10% and 50% higher risk of death.

Shamsul talks to Callsuma about his parents and his nephew who all died in 2020. His mum of Cancer, dad of Covid-19 and his 5 yr old nephew from a rare disease. Shamsul also had Covid-19 and recovered from it. 

We discuss the difficult decision that lead him to finding a care home for his father who had Alzheimer's, unfortunately his dad had a urine infection and the care home decided to take him to the hospital where his dad during his stay tested positive for Covid-19. Shamsul likely caught Covid-19 during his visits to the hospital when visiting his dad. 

He opens up about the impact Covid-19 and their deaths had on his mental health, the lack of right support in the workplace, the stress of juggling different priorities whilst not functioning at 100%. 

We delve into our friendships, what it means to show up and that ultimately unless you go through a bereavement you could not possibly know how to support someone during the most difficult time in ones life however we also concluded that grief also shows us where to direct our energy and where not to, as the truth reveals itself. 

Shamsul shares that although his faith is important to him, he questioned everything he once knew after the tragic death of his nephew.

Now on the road to recovery and healing, he looks forward to travelling more to aid in his wellbeing and putting ego's aside by spending quality time with his family around the dinner table. 

Over 154k people have died of Covid-19 in the United Kingdom, leaving a devastating impact on those directly affected. The Bangladeshi community being one of them, the most marginalised community in the U.K. 

You can find Shamsul on Instagram 

As always, thank you for listening,

Your host

Callsuma Ali

Joining Callsuma Ali in the room today is guest Lydia Kirkland, a mother of two children working in a group home as a Case Manager for foster care children in New Jersey.

Lydia runs a non-profit in memory of her daughter called Filling buckets for Brianna that helps bereaved parents with funeral costs and headstones. 

In addition, Lydia has a IG called 'life after losing my child' and a YouTube Channel also entitled 'life after losing my child' her platforms help to support and connect with other grieving individuals. She enjoys the simple things in life like music, reading, nature and art.

Lydia reflects on Brianna's life, what she was like, her favourite colour green, and Brianna's inclusive outlook on life. Brianna died suddenly after falling ill due to complications with type 1 diabetes that could have been prevented. We unpack healthcare negligence very briefly and the impact it might have when co-existing with grief should it be pursued when seeking answers and justice particularly when the outcome still remains the same. That it won't bring her back. 

We delve into a common factor that occurs in bereavement, the lack of aftercare from friends and family and how this can impact our mental health, everyone wants to be loved and seen during the most difficult parts of their life, particularly when we carry deep pain and loss. Showing up is so crucial in the aftermath to aid in our healing. 

The death of a child no matter what age is often described as a loss like no other by many charities across the world, incalculable and inconceivable. How could it be that a parent outlives their child? 

We close the episode on gratefulness, not to find a silver lining but as Lydia puts it so eloquently, the best things in life are free. 

As always thank you for listening and don't forget you can find updates on @bereavementroom over on IG and twitter, just search bereavement room. 

Your host

Callsuma Ali

Today's guest in the room is Bangladeshi American, Bushra Mollick.

Bushra is a writer and the Crisis Communications Manager for NYC Emergency Management. She is writing a biography highlighting her mother's life in Bangladesh and as an immigrant in New York City in the early 90s. She enjoys bird watching, cooking, and researching outdated blasphemy laws. She hopes to empower and inspire fellow Bangladeshi women to fulfil their dreams and put themselves first.

In this episode we discuss our bengali community, culture and the wider Desi community followed by a heart wrenching reflection of the sudden death of her estranged father. 

Bushra often talks about how our community is not a monolith on social media, this captured my interest because as someone who was ostracized by some Bengalis but largely the wider South Asian desi community that I speak like a white girl and was the brown girl living on the white council estates, I wanted to unpack what it means to not make assumptions about our unique journey in life, we conclude that ultimately we are not a monolith that we all have our own experience of the world and that it would be helpful to not make assumptions about lives we have never lived. 

Bushra takes me through her childhood growing up in NYC and how she grew up watching her father who was a taxi driver by day and a creative by night, a writer and photographer in the bengali community.

Bushra reflects that you can mourn a parent that you are estranged from, that everyone wants to be loved and that although they were estranged due to the lack of parental guidance she names the fact that she still loved her father and that's what makes estranged relationships between a parent and a child so unique, that she will never stop loving him and wishing that he was a better father in life.  

Bushra has written a beautiful heart wrenching tribute to her father on her blog http://www.bushramollick.com/ please do give it a read, there is a stunning black and white photo of Bushra and her sister Susana with their dad, the last picture taken of them together. 

You can find Bereavement Room on social media give us a follow: https://www.instagram.com/bereavementroom/ 

As promised some hotlines, resources and support groups in NYC and surrounding areas;

https://nycwell.cityofnewyork.us/en/ 

https://www1.nyc.gov/site/hra/help/domestic-violence-support.page 

https://www.naminys.org/mental-health-support/suicide-prevention/ 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/grief/new-york 

https://greenwichvillagefuneralhome.com/grief-support/counseling-bereavement-services/#.YPQVqxNKiCQ 

https://copefoundation.org/grief-resources/ 

https://www.inclusivetherapists.com/bengali 

https://www.laalnyc.org/ 

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ 

As promised some helplines, resources, support groups in London and surrounding areas;

https://directory.childbereavementuk.org/ 

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/where-to-start/ 

https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-and-stigma/help-and-support 

https://youngminds.org.uk/ 

https://myh.org.uk/ 

https://mbss.org.uk/ 

https://www.baatn.org.uk/find-a-therapist/ 

https://giveusashout.org/ 

https://mindout.org.uk/ 

As always thank you for listening,

Your host

Callsuma Ali 

Today's guest in the room is British Bengali podcaster of Brown Don't Frown, Tania.

Tania has joined me in the room to talk about her biological mother who died suddenly and unexpectedly when Tania was 10 years old. Having spent the first decade of her life in East London before moving around, she has now done a full circle and returned to her roots in the East End. 

We unpack what child bereavement looked like for her, the importance of emotional support and love following the heart breaking news that her mother had died on what began as a normal day of dropping off the kids to school to the absolute inconceivable trauma that followed.

Tania reflects on intuition, premonitions and dreams, something i know all too well and have been exploring, the interpretation of dreams in relation to death and grief. 

We take a look back on her life, particularly the part when she was adopted by her biological aunt, and then estranged from her biological father. In fact family estrangement is common in all communities including the Bangladeshi community, it is something that is not widely spoken about perhaps out of fear, judgement, reputation and other external factors. 

I ask Tania, does she grieve for the life she never had, whether her life might have turned out differently, of course the answer is largely yes, she replies, I was robbed of my childhood, bereavement has solidified much of how i feel, also reflecting that she is a self made woman who now thrives in her adult life. 

We end our conversation on Bengali joy and hopefully what is helpful guidance around embarking on side hustles and creative ventures. 

Don't forget you can find Bereavement Room on social media, https://linktr.ee/bereavementroom

As always, thanks for listening,

Your host,

Callsuma Ali 

Today across Britain families will be celebrating Father's Day, a day of remembrance and celebration.

Joining me in the room is Abigail Tuitt, growing up in a loving and supportive family, Abi's dad was doting and expressed love with actions, dropping her off to the train station and surprising her with gifts, encouraging her to do well in her studies, as well as offering to make her breakfast. Often daughters are described by their fathers as their princess, he was an integral part of her life. The life and soul of the party and the foundation of her wider family his death came as a huge shock, he died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack. 

Abi talks with me about her breakdown following his death, therapy and her travels to the other side of the world that helped aid her healing, the intersection between grief and travel. 

She openly reflects and questions in what i would describe is the utmost vulnerability and courage, 'my father was a integral part of my life, what is my purpose now?'

We close the episode on why grief can be so intense and as time goes on how Abi carries her grief in her rucksack/backpack, that ultimately grief is love. 

A personal note from me; as someone who was also close to my father this was one of the most relatable conversation's I have ever had about the loss of a father and the integral role of a father in the family system. 

As always, thanks for listening, and if you want to vote for us in the British Podcast Award's for listeners choice, here is the link; https://linktr.ee/bereavementroom 

Until next time take good care of yourself. 

Your host,

Callsuma Ali 

A break in the usual format in light of #DiabetesAwarenessWeek 

Joining me in the room is PHD student Priya, I invited her to take part in a reflective discussion about role models in our Bangladeshi community, type 2 diabetes and all things food!

We all know we are going to die one day, that is a fact of life, some of us will die because of poor health and disease, I am a firm believer that health is wealth and you are what you eat, without sounding like a preacher I am under no illusion that I personally struggle with my own food choices and living a healthier lifestyle, particularly since being diagnosed with diabetes where i feel my diabetes team is failing to support me holistically. 

Diabetes is so common in the Bangladeshi community and as someone who lives with type 2 diabetes and a blood cell disorder, i am keen to unpack what I have consumed over the past 3 decades, this includes my free school meals and portion sizes, coming from a family who was socio-economically disadvantaged, vulnerable and other social detriments I look back to see what's been happening and what might have caused and impacted my poor physical and mental health.  Following my bereavements and declining mental health, I wonder if this has had a impact on my food choices too.

Priya highlights that the environment is so key in helping us reach our health goals, her project explores the role psycho-social cultural factors play in South Asians dietary behaviour, she is interested in type 2 diabetes, developing preventative lifestyle and interventions using behaviour change models, women's health and mental health to improve health outcomes, particularly focusing on addressing deprivation within the Bangladeshi community. Looking at barriers we might face when accessing health services or implementing lifestyle changes. 

I hope this special Diabetes Awareness Week episode brings you food for thought and that you enjoy my personal anecdotes!

Remember there is still time to vote Bereavement Room in the British Podcast Awards for the listeners choice, https://linktr.ee/bereavementroom 

Thanks for listening,

Callsuma 

Today's guest is Sylvester King aka Sly King, the happy hour Birmingham, Alabama radio personality joins me in the room to talk about life before and after his parents.

In this episode we chat about his dad who was also a radio presenter, the hero in his life growing up in a loving and supportive family. The sadness of not having his father who was in radio for 30 years to hear Sly on the radio, the milestones he reached without his father to witness them. 

We unpack the impact of making difficult decisions around his parents health, our faith and ultimately the testament of faith when we are dealing with the inevitable that is death and grief. 

A very reflective conversation with the Happy Hour radio personality at hot1077 from Birmingham, Alabama. 

You can find Sly King on twitter and instagram.

To donate to Bereavement Room and vote for us in the British Podcast Listeners Choice Award please see my Linktree. 

Thanks for listening,

Your host

Callsuma Ali

Welcome back to Bereavement Room Podcast, the third and final season!

Kicking off season 3 is Hatim Eldawi, we both met on Clubhouse when we were on stage sharing our experiences of grief. 

I invited Hatim to Bereavement Room to talk to me about his dad who was living with ALS, the challenges that came from travelling to and from Sudan whilst studying and working in California. We also reflect on how picking up your parents personal care can humble your ego and the humour that comes with bereavement and grief. 

Hatim hilariously describes what it was like missing out on going to Cabo with his friends as he had to travel to Sudan instead to take care of his dying father and how not many young people have to deal with the anticipatory grief that comes with a terminally ill parent. 

Hatim created a blog in memory of his father, perspectives from a 23 yr old loving son, please do check out his personal blog over at https://www.babaeldawi.com/, you can also find Hatim on instagram, go show him some love!

Follow Bereavement Room on social media for updates such as reflective cards, audio clips and instagram lives with me your host Callsuma Ali, https://linktr.ee/bereavementroom and to make a donation please see our Gofundme page, https://uk.gofundme.com/f/bereavement-room-podcast-community-fundraiser

We both laughed a lot in this episode, I hope it brings love and light to wherever you are in the world. 

As always thank you for listening. 

Your host,

Callsuma