Hi,

In this week’s podcast episode, Rosetta wants to know what to do when the girl she considers her best friend does something seriously unkind. This is a tricky dilemma because she has to weigh taking care of herself versus preserving a friendship with someone whose company she usually enjoys. Listen to hear some important questions that can help her figure out what to do next.

Next week will be episode 100 of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast! To celebrate, I’ll be featuring comments from kids about what they’ve learned from the podcast! If your child would like to participate, please make an audio recording of them saying:

1) Their first name (or a first name),

2) Their age, and

3) One thing they’ve learned from the podcast.

Send the recording to me at [email protected] by midnight tonight.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 87 - People passing notes about her (Leni, Age 9)

Ep. 73 - Best friend stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Ep. 28 - Dealing with spill-over anger (Avni, Age 11)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think About It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Why is it important to tell friends what you’re thinking or feeling (even if you think it’s obvious)?

• What are some reasons why you might want to forgive a friend who does something bad to you?

• Dr. Friendtastic suggests thinking about two questions after a friend does something you don’t like: 1) What do you think is likely to happen from now on? and 2) Is there anything you could do to make the problem less likely to happen?

  How might these questions help you decide whether to continue a friendship?

• Would you enjoy having a sword fight with a friend using pool noodles? Why or why not?

Transcript

What if your friend did something very bad to you? You know it’s bad. She knows it’s bad. Maybe she even got in trouble for doing it. Does that mean your friendship is over?

Well, that depends on what happens next!

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, my name is Rosetta. I am 5 years old. What do I… What do I do when my best friend hits me in the face?

Hi, Rosetta. Thanks for sending in your question! Yikes! Getting hit in the face must have hurt a lot! I bet you felt very mad when that happened!

Now, an interesting wrinkle in this question is that this person who did something to you that was very hurtful and clearly wrong, is someone you say is your best friend! So, obviously, you don’t like being hit in the face, but it also sounds like you usually enjoy spending time with this girl.

So, what do you do when someone you like does something you very much don’t like? How do you balance wanting to keep a friendship and also wanting to take care of yourself?

I imagine that right when she hit you, you probably yelled, “Ow! That hurts!” That’s important information for her! Even though it seems obvious to you, you can’t assume your friend knows how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking. You have to tell her if you want her to know.

Then what happened? Did she apologize? Did she try to comfort or take care of you? Those are signs that you matter to her.

Or maybe she didn’t respond well in the heat of the moment. Maybe she made excuses, or blamed you, or ran away, or started crying. Those aren’t great responses when a friend is hurt, but sometimes people need time to react better. If she came back later to check on you or apologize, that would still show she cares about you.

A very important question to ask yourself is: What do you think is likely to happen from now on?

If you think your friend is going to keep hitting you, that doesn’t sound like a friendship worth continuing!

If you think it was a mistake, and she’s likely to do better from now on, then it’s probably worth continuing the friendship. For instance, if she hit you in the face because she tripped or dropped something or accidentally bumped into you, well, she didn’t do it on purpose, so it’s probably not going to happen again.

We all make mistakes and do or say things that end up hurting others. We want our friends to be willing to forgive us when we mess up, so we have to be open to the possibility of forgiving our friends’ mistakes.

You can also think about whether there’s something you could do that would make the problem less likely to happen. For example, maybe your friend hit you in the face while you were having a sword fight with big sticks. Hmmm… That sounds kind of dangerous. Maybe next time you could suggest having a sword fight with pool noodles so no one gets hurt.

No friendship is perfect. Only you can decide if the good parts of this relationship outweigh this one bad event. Use what you know about this friend, yourself, and your relationship to try to imagine what will happen next. Then decide what you want to do next. You might want to explain to her what you want from now on, change the situation or activity, forgive your friend, or spend more time with kinder friends.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.