Hi there,

One of the most common complaints I hear from kids is, “Everyone else has a best friend, but I don’t!”

In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Sadie complains that “all the best friends are taken.” Of course, a friend is not something that can be taken! I talk about how to shift her view of the situation and how she can try to make sure other people enjoy being with her.

Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Does your child complain about friendship drama? Check out this month’s featured online workshop for parents: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Ep. 48 - New friend claims to be best friend (Lily, Age 6)

Ep. 46 - Wishing for a best friend (Anna, Age 9)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Have you ever had a best friend? What did you do to build your friendship?

• Dr. Friendtastic said, “Friendships aren’t all or nothing.” What does that mean?

• How might increasing your kind actions lead to more friends or closer friends?

• Why is getting together with a friend outside of where you have to see them a good way to deepen friendships? [Hint: What does the invitation communicate to the friend?]

• How is a friend different from a chair (other than appearance)?

Transcript

Have you ever played musical chairs? The game involves setting up a bunch of chairs in two rows, facing outward in opposite directions, with one less chair than the number of players. Then someone plays music and the players walk around the chairs. When the music stops, the players need to rush to sit down. The player who doesn’t get a chair is out, and the game continues for another round, with one less chair.

Sometimes, looking for a friend can feel like a game of musical chairs. It seems like you have to be fast and lucky to get a friend!

But friends are not like chairs! They’re not just passively waiting around for someone to sit on them.

Listen to learn more.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

I’m Sadie. I’m 10 years old, and I’m in search for a best friend, but all the best friends at my school are already taken. How do I find a best friend when all the best friends are already taken?

Hi, Sadie. Thanks for sending in your question! This is something I hear a lot from kids: Everyone else seems to be paired up with a best friend, and I’m not!

It’s hard to feel like the odd one out!

There are three ideas that might make it easier for you to deal with this situation.

First, kids’ friendships often shift over time. One study found that among first-graders, about half of close friendships didn’t last the full school year. Among fourth- and eighth-graders, about one fourth of close friendships didn’t make it through the school year. So, whatever the social situation is now in your class, it’s likely to change in a few days, weeks, or months.

Second, friendships aren’t all or nothing. Instead of focusing on having a single “best” friend, try to be open to having different kinds of friendships. For instance, you might have a math class friend, a soccer friend, a neighbor friend, a cousin friend… Each of these enrich your life!

Third, some friendships are more open than others to expanding to include more people. I’m sure there are some best friend pairs in your class who are glued together at the hip. They don’t want to do anything with anyone else! I’m also sure that there are other friends who would be happy to include you, especially if you’re kind to both friends in the original pair. Also, if there aren’t good options for close friendships in your class, you may want to look for closer friendships in other situations, such as sports, clubs, or activities, or in your neighborhood.

But how do YOU get to have a best friend? Well, Julie Bowker and her colleagues did an interesting study where they looked at kids who gained a best friendship between the spring of fifth grade and the fall of sixth grade. What they found is that their classmates noticed that these kids increased their kind actions. In other words they did more helping, sharing, and caring for others, and made more efforts to be mindful of what other people wanted or needed.

The kids who gained a best friendship also chose friends who were like them in terms of how they behaved.

So, how do you get a best friend? Be patient–it takes time to build closeness! Be kind because that helps other kids feel good when they’re around you, so they want to be your friend. Be open to new relationships and try to connect with kids who like to do what you like to do. Kids make friends by doing fun things together, so invite them to do something with you outside of where you normally see them. That shows you want to take the friendship to the next level. In the meantime, and in addition, let yourself enjoy all kinds of friendships, not just “best” friendships.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.