Beyond Neutral

Imagine if you were not afraid of your emotions? If you had the confidence to know that no matter what emotion comes your way, you can face it. This is what Paula wants us to start practicing.

Last week, Paula encouraged us to strengthen our emotional endurance so that we can effectively navigate through challenging feelings and difficult conversations. This week Paula is talking about emotional resilience and courage. She explains to us why this is a game-changer for all of us.

Courage is the capacity to move forward despite discomfort. Without courage, individuals often resort to avoiding emotions as a coping mechanism. However, this approach signals to the brain that emotions are detrimental, even though they persist. Consequently, unresolved emotions manifest in different forms such as anxiety, depression, or anger.

Confronting emotions and facing them head-on, with the confidence that we can handle them, is liberating. Developing agility and trusting in our ability to address emotions requires practice and the cultivation of emotional resilience.

It begins with making a conscious decision to confront our emotions without fear. Emotions should not be feared; rather, they can serve as powerful tools. The next time someone labels you as emotional, express gratitude and explain that having the courage to face emotions is a gift, allowing you to live without fear of them.

🎧 Show Notes: reidnco.com/podcast

🔗Website: reidnco.com

When faced with a distressing emotion, what's your initial reaction? Do you find yourself wanting to quickly suppress, brush aside, or overlook the feeling?

And in challenging conversations, is your instinct to rush through them just to get them over with?

It's completely understandable to want to push away unpleasant emotions. The issue arises when we avoid dealing with the root emotion, like sadness, only for it to transform into something else such as anxiety, depression, or anger. The sadness doesn't disappear; it merely evolves into a different form.

Paula recently shared her experience grappling with significant anxiety about an upcoming trip and how she navigated through it.

It's essential to recognize that emotions aren't inherently good or bad, and judging them won't make them go away. By allowing ourselves to sit with these emotions without fear, we can gradually build emotional endurance over time through this practice.

Paula encourages us to be brave and learn to sit with our unpleasant emotions, because this is really the only way to get through them.

Show Notes Link: https://www.reidnco.com/podcast

Want to work directly with Paula? Discover Paula's coaching services here

Liked the podcast? Find more here

Have you ever anticipated that a specific job title, salary increase, or possession would bring you happiness, only to realize that it didn't provide the satisfaction you expected?

Many of us carry numerous expectations about how our lives should unfold and where we ought to be in various aspects. Last week, Paula prompted us to reflect on the changes we genuinely want to make in 2024 and to identify the deeper, more meaningful aspects of these desires.

Now, Paula is delving into the importance of examining our expectations more closely. Our expectations often influence our actions, and we may not always be conscious of their origins. Some expectations trace back to stories we created about ourselves in our younger years.

Updating our expectations not only realigns our sense of self but also enhances our connection to what truly brings us joy and fulfillment. Paula introduces the concept of an expectations audit and emphasizes its significance, as it plays a crucial role in determining our happiness and future success.

Show Notes Link: https://www.reidnco.com/podcast

Do you often find yourself abandoning your New Year's resolutions by the time spring arrives? Have you taken the time to reflect on the true meaning and motivation behind your resolutions?

Paula encourages us to approach New Year's resolutions with more depth and make these goals meaningful again. She shares her own changes in resolution strategy this year and the reasons behind them. It's worth it to consider what you're truly seeking; your goals are usually connected to more significant aspects of your life.

Ask yourself, what specific change do you desire?

When we revisit this moment a year from now, what meaningful difference do you hope to see?

Paula encourages us to take the time to think about benefits of achieving our goals. This step should not be overlooked, because it is part of the process. Take the time to sit with and fully own these benefits. Immerse yourself in the vision of your future transformed state. Consider the real advantages and fully paint the picture. If you can't get excited about it, then there is something missing or not quite right about the goal.

Paula challenges us to think differently about New Year's resolutions. What meaningful change are we truly seeking? Often, the underlying desire is a transformation in how we spend our time.

Show Notes Link: https://www.reidnco.com/podcast

We all experience some degree of shame. How does it manifest in your life, particularly when it becomes destructive? Do you have a specific narrative of shame that you frequently revisit or easily fall back into? Most of us do.

Shame serves as a barrier between ourselves and social groups, triggering an emotional response that signals potential exile—a survival mechanism, especially when group affiliation significantly influences our lives.

While shame can sometimes be a motivating or balancing emotion, it often proves counterproductive, convincing us that we are not smart enough, fit enough, or adequate in various aspects of life. Rooted in perfectionism, this narrative of inadequacy is exacerbated by societal comparisons, particularly through idealized portrayals on social media.

Here are three steps to address and overcome shame:

• Recognition: Acknowledge and accept that everyone experiences shame.
• Empathy for Yourself: Counteract shame with self-empathy. Understand that making mistakes is part of being human and doesn't define your worth. Isolate the specific behavior or error, offering yourself grace.
• Open Communication: Illuminate shame by sharing it with a trusted individual. Keeping shame hidden leads to disconnection, creating a harmful cycle. Bringing it into the open fosters connection and minimizes shame's power. Focus on the positive aspect of shame, which is humility, and redirect the narrative toward connection with others.

Show Notes: reidnco.com/podcast

Time Stamps:

[00:02:17] And you'd be out on your own. And as you can imagine, early man, if you were out on your own, probably your chance of survival was not very good. So shame is really An emotion that at its gift is humility and it's a gift of a reminder of social norms. And even today, the gift of shame is humility and used in the right way and used in the right quantities shame is the thing that kind of keeps you from getting over the tips of your skis and, and reminding you that, you're not infallible, right?

[00:06:45] So what do you do about it? Okay, because first of all, everybody walks around with some level of shame. If you don't walk around with any shame, it's because it's a, you have a complete lack of empathy. And I think then you're actually a sociopath. So we all experience some level of shame. And the very first thing is to recognize that that experience of not feeling like you're enough in some ways is universal.

[00:12:12] What we can focus in on is the gift that it gives us and pay attention to it, that the gift of shame is humility. And so being able to go to another person. Or even to yourself, okay, going to yourself, going to another person and talking about the very thing that's created that loathing means the loathing loses its power.

In this episode, Paula delves into the topic of anxiety. It's undeniable that anxiety and fear often go hand in hand, manifesting either situationally or as persistent, chronic anxiety. The truth is that anxiety is a prevalent aspect of our society, affecting nearly everyone.

Paula recounts a personal experience from a challenging period in her life. During high school, her son suffered a significant concussion that kept him home from school for three months, leading to heightened anxiety. Unbeknownst to her at the time, she coped by immersing herself in cooking every night. This tactile activity became her way of breaking the pattern of anxiety, providing her with a sense of purpose and a means to channel her stress.

She emphasizes that, like all emotions, anxiety carries a message. By attentively listening to this message, we can navigate our way through it. Often, it involves the need for clarity and the development of a plan. Paula prompts reflection on what requires clarity in one's life, what might be disregarded or avoided, and what persistent thoughts demand attention and action.

Paula offers practical approaches to address anxiety:

• Acknowledge Your Anxiety: Recognize and admit when you are feeling anxious.

• Seek Clarity: Gain as much understanding as possible about the root causes of your anxiety.

• Engage in Tactile Activities: Involve yourself in hands-on activities as a way of coping with anxiety.

• Develop a Plan: Create a plan to address and manage anxiety, especially during anticipated high-stress periods.

Paula's insights underscore the importance of proactive and tangible strategies in dealing with anxiety, encouraging individuals to confront and work through their challenges.

Show Notes Link: www.reidnco.com/podcast

Time Stamps:

[00:02:31] Okay. And so,because of that, we may not always. realize that's what's going on with us. if we're really not in tune to what's happening, a lot of us walk around, there's some statistic, they said 20 percent of Americans, or some research that I have done has indicated that 20 percent of Americans have anxiety, experiencing anxiety every day. I actually think that's probably an incredibly low number, because I think that on some level way more people in this country experience anxiety on a fairly ongoing level. And a lot of times, it's just there. It's just, you don't, you may not even be aware of it, but it's absolutely there.

[00:07:18] Okay. So that's. Number 1, if you're able to identify it as a situational trigger, and if you're able to even sit back and realize, it may not just be 1 meeting that you're going into that's causing it, but you may start to realize as you start to notice where it's coming from that there's a pattern to those things that are causing you anxiety. And once you see a pattern, you're able to anticipate ahead of an event, how you're going to feel or how you might want to respond or how you want to respond differently. So once you can see a pattern, you can plan for that and that there's the clarity, right?

[00:14:58] If you're really having a tough time, it's to, take the blessing that anxiety is trying to offer you, right? Take the gift that it's trying to give you, and with that, you will find your way out of it. Okay. And if you need help, understanding this, or you want to talk about it more, always happy to discuss it with you, but emotions, they're there for a reason.

We all have certain triggers that evoke our fears. Have you found yourself feeling defensive or skeptical without fully understanding where those emotions are coming from?

Fear, being the most powerful emotion, can manifest in various forms such as doubt, self-blame, blaming others, suspicion, and tension. At times, we may not immediately recognize that fear underlies these feelings. In this episode, Paula dissects fear and offers practical steps to assess and, hopefully, shift into a different mindset.

Fear instinctively compels us to defend ourselves; we are wired for survival and self-protection. When in a state of fear, we tend to shut off data and lose connection with others—this is how our brains are designed. While this instinct has aided our survival, it can wreak havoc on our emotions in non-physically threatening situations. However, there is a gift within fear. By paying attention and seeking clarity, we can discern what the fear is trying to tell us.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• How Paula confronted a specific fear response during her purchasing decisions

• Questions you can ask yourself to confront your fears and gain a deeper understanding of yourself

• The importance of facing this emotion rather than suppressing it

Time Stamps:

[00:02:31] It's ability to influence, and as such, it can hijack us. The strongest emotion, by the way, is love and strength being an ability to be a force against something else. so fear is an incredibly powerful emotion. So if you think about how the emotion of fear evolved in us, it evolved by way of survival, right?

[00:06:34] You're losing the insight of additional information because you're not, your ability to listen and process that is turned off. Okay. Fear of being wrong is another one that kicks in.

[00:17:33] You have to say, yes, I'm afraid of this. What is that fear? What is it telling you? What is the gift? And what is the thorn of staying in it, right? The rose and the thorn, always look at those things and, and just seek clarity around it.

Show Notes Link: https://www.reidnco.com/podcast

More from Paula Reid:

Website: https://www.reidnco.com

Do you know your top three joy priorities?

Do you take time in the morning or day to recognize what you are grateful for?

It is easier said than done. Most of us get lost in our daily tasks and meetings, especially during the holidays when time feels very scarce. Yet, the truth is if you become depleted you won't be able to deal with work or life as well as you could. Depletion pushes our resilience capacity lower and is directly related to lack of joy in our lives.

Paula is talking about joy in this timely episode. She shares ways that she accesses joy during busy times and emphasizes that you don't need to go to the spa for the whole day to experience this. So if you are in the middle of frantically buying a second turkey, or trying to make a flight, please take a little moment for yourself to focus on gratitude and joy, this small mindset shift is a game changer.

Listen up to learn more about how you can access joy everyday and why it matters.

Show Notes: reidnco.com/podcast

Timestamps:

[00:04:43] And being depleted is really that you're not experiencing enough joy in your life. There aren't enough, there aren't enough pleasant associations coming in to your life, coming into your experiences. And when I feel depleted, I noticed that. Things that come along. That normally I could take in stride challenges that happen, you know, what, whatever it is,something that didn't go the way I expected to, or, you know, bad news that I get or in any form. Okay. I noticed that my capacity to manage those other emotions and stay on track and stay on an even keel and kind of take them in stride experience and experience them, but still take them in stride. My ability to do that is dramatically less if I have not been really focusing on the things that give me joy and ensuring that I'm really building up my joy bucket.

[00:06:46] Number one, physical energy, you know, we talk about exercise and how important exercises and it definitely is. And that absolutely that physical piece of it can absolutely be an important part of, acquiring and sustaining joy in your life. But it's not the only thing because the other thing is really recognizing those things in life that give you joy and those things in life that you want and those things in your life that you need, not the shoulds, but want. And so one of the practices that I have incorporated into my life, number one, I incorporate meditation and I can tell you right now, 10 minutes of meditation and a consistent basis is absolutely life sustaining for me emotionally.

[00:09:22] Another way is to start the day thinking about three things that you really like about yourself. Three things that you're grateful for about you, okay? Maybe it might be grateful for in your life, but grateful for about who you are because the practice of joy and building joy is really centered around your experience and appreciation for you and recognizing internally what you need in order to sustain yourself and in order to build your energy. I guarantee you that if you start a practice of really focusing on that, it will reward you with benefits. It will give you resilience. It will give you energy. It will give you an ability to, accept other emotions that aren't as easy to sit with. They will be easier to tackle. If you have a full joy bucket, and, it's very interesting because I can think back to myself and my own situations where I have just felt depleted.

More From Paula Reid:

Find Out How to Work With Me Here:

fifthgearcoaching.com

Do you find yourself wishing that you could be more assertive and clear at work?

Chances are you have had situations that made you uncomfortable or just made you feel ineffective because you chose not to speak up. Maybe you want to set more boundaries with certain team members who are taking advantage of something or are not producing reasonable results. Whatever it is, the truth is that over time, just being nice will not move things forward for the individual and your work.

Paula makes the connection to the desire to be liked and not having agency. To have agency means you understand that you have a choice in the matter. And if you are only focused on being liked, then you are stifling your true self. For example, if you need certain things done or need a culture change with your team, how can this happen if you can't confidently and clearly communicate expectations?

In this episode Paula focuses on:

• Why your team really wants you to be clear and confident

• How the delivery of your assertive communication is what matters (respectful)

• Why freeing yourself from the focus of being liked is actually one of the "nicest" things you can do for yourself and your team

Show Notes: reidnco.com/podcast

Timestamps:

[00:04:07] Paula: but the problem with that and the challenge with that is that This need to please people really impacts our ability to make clear decisions and to move forward effectively, because you're always trying to split the difference, right? You're always trying to get committee, What you need, but maybe backing off on getting all of it in the way you want it because you also are so concerned with what somebody thinks about you or, you know, are you being kind?

[00:06:47] Paula: And I coached a CEO who absolutely brought this Concern with her, uh, when she moved into this more senior level role in an organization and had always worked with this team. And then she was the person who got promoted to lead the organization and it became really imperative. That they like her. Now, she didn't realize that when we started our coaching engagement, when we started our coaching engagement, she thought she wanted them to respect her. And as we went along in the conversation, and we went along in our coaching engagement, after a couple of sessions, it finally became very clear to her that respect was really secondary to being liked.

[00:10:26] Paula: People like leaders who are decisive, people like leaders who are clear, and people like leaders who step in and deal with tough issues with confidence. So leave the liking part aside, that comes, comes from being respected a lot of times, not always. But a lot of times. Anyway, that is my conversation of the day on, uh, what things get in the way of our agency at times.

More From Paula Reid:

Find Out How to Work With Me Here:

fifthgearcoaching.com

We have all been there. Something happens with a coworker or friend, or something big doesn't go your way and you cannot let it go. You obsess over how things could have been or what should have been done and when. You berate yourself and others for the mistake, or ongoing issue. Or maybe you are not able to take action on a decision because you are just stuck in an overthinking trap. Don't judge yourself, it happens to all of us but sometimes we ruminate more and more and it can become a negative cycle in our life.

Paula wants you to free yourself from the cycle of rumination, she knows it takes time and persistence, but the effort is worth it. She talks us through examples and explains how she moves her coaching clients into action. Paula shares a proven 3-step process that works for her clients.

Listen in to learn practical wisdom to help you stop ruminating. So that you can take action and move on with your life.

Show Notes: reidnco.com/podcast

Time Stamps:

[00:02:09] Paula: We also start attaching other things to it as we play that loop, we, start inferring, you know, impacts as a result of that loop that we're playing in our head. And it becomes not just a loop, but it becomes a loop with tentacles, right? Like an octopus. It all of a sudden starts growing legs. And you can see. Well, if that happened, then this will happen. And then this will happen. And it just can become a really very paralyzing and obviously very negative cycle. And, um, so obviously like any of these things, there's the extremes, right? There's people who Who get caught in this to the point of it becoming a mental illness.And then there's a lot of us that get caught in it because of a particular circumstance we find ourselves in. So how do you step out of that? Because first of all, it's sucking every ounce of energy and it's producing absolutely nothing by being in it. So how do you break that cycle?

[00:05:47] Paula: And when I asked the question. How do you know that to be fact? They pause and they don't, they don't know that to be fact. So put aside what you don't know and focus on what you do know. And now think about the emotion that's really attached to the things that you do know. Okay. What are, what are those emotions and what are those emotions telling you and where are they coming from?

[00:07:46] Paula: So it goes from being this larger than life hijacking into something that is manageable and that you can have agency. Over impacting. And like I said, I've been a victim of it on many occasions. Okay. And I think, uh, for any of us, if we sit back and think about the times that we created these stories in our head that took us to far off places, nine times out of 10, those things that we imagined.

More From Paula Reid:

Find Out How to Work With Me Here:

fifthgearcoaching.com