For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.
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Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.

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Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time.
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The Final Episode Of The Topical

Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.
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Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it.
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Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound.
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Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.
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Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

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