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https://snltranscripts.jt.org/04/04qfunhouse.phtml

Written by: Rob Smigel

Frank…..Fred Armisen

Greg…..Tom Brady

Lisa…..Amy Poehler

Tina…..Tina Fey

[ bumper of Tom Brady is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!

[ dissolve to “General Electric Films” logo ]

Announcer: General Electric Films presents.. “Sexual Harassment and You”, a handy guide to workplace etiquette.

[ dissolve to old-time video footage of three men standing around an office ]

Announcer: Back in the old days, a workplace was a man’s domain.

[ the man in the middle dissolves into a woman ]

Announcer: Today, life is not as simple.

[ show various women working around the office ]

Announcer: Businesses are filled with working women, with corresponding breasts and vaginas.

[ show Frank looking about the room with an uneasy look on his face ]

Announcer: As a man, you want to have sex with all of them. [ Frank’s gaze even falls upon an older-looking woman ] But approaching a woman at work should be done with extreme caution.. [ various women cross in front of Frank’s desk from both sides ] ..to avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[ Music sting, as a piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” is held before the camera ] [ cut to Lisa’s desk, as Frank cautiously approaches from the rear ]

Announcer: Here’s the wrong way to approach a female co-worker.

Frank: [ showing his nervous enthusiasm ] Hey, Lisa! You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

[ Lisa is silent, perhaps caught off guard, but, after a beat, picks up her phone and dials an authority figure ]

Announcer: Uh-oh! That didn’t go over well.

[ Frank is petrified at Lisa’s response, as he envisions the piece of paper marked “Lawsuit” being held before him ]

Announcer: Hello, Lawsuit.

[ cut to the same scene as before, only now with the confident and assured Greg approaching Lisa ]

Announcer: Now, here’s the right way:

Greg: Hey, Lisa. You look pretty hot today. Maybe we should have lunch sometime.

Lisa: [ caught off guard, but pleased ] Oh. Well, great.

Greg: How about tomorrow?

Lisa: Okay!

Greg: Great! See you then! [ squeezes Lisa’s left breast before he exits ]

Announcer: Well done! Okay, let’s review.

[ show close-up of nervous Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Frank was awkward, and a little too pushy.

[ dissolve to close-up of confident Frank making his pitch ]

Announcer: Greg was handsome.

[ cut to Frank staring at Tina from a distance ]

Announcer: Let’s see if Frank can do better with another co-worker.

[ Greg approaches more cautiously than before, keeping a distance of about five feet behind Tina ]

Greg: Hi.

[ Tina turns to look, rebuffing at the sight of Greg, then picks up the phone to dial security ]

...

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https://snltranscripts.jt.org/16/cockpit.phtml

Sully Sullenberger (Tom Hanks) has a hard time playing co-pilot to the flight's rightful captain (Alec Baldwin).

Sully Sullenberger… Tom Hanks

Air hostess… Sasheer Zamata

Doug Hubbard… Alec Baldwin

Dani… Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video clip of an airplane]

Female voice: Now boarding American Airlines flight 809, nonstop to Seattle, Tacoma.

[Cut to the cockpit. Sully is sitting down. Air Hostess enters the cockpit.]

Air Hostess: Good morning.

Sully: Good morning.

Air Hostess: Oh my god! You’re Sully Sullenberger.

Sully: Um-hmm.

Air Hostess: You landed that plane in the Hudson river. You saved all those people’s lives.

Sully: Yeah, well, I guess I did what I had to do.

Air Hostess: I didn’t know you were flying again.

Sully: Yeah, I took some time off to write a book. But, um, I’m ready to get back to just being a captain again.

Air Hostess: Well, it’s an honor sir. Let me know if you need anything at all.

Sully: Thank you much.

[Hubbard walks in and Air Hostess walks out]

Hubbard: Howdy there?

Sully: Morning, come on in. [not looking at Hubbard]

Hubbard: Whoops, I’m sorry. I think I’m in that seat.

Sully: What’s that? The captain’s chair?

Hubbard: Yeah, I’m sorry. I think according to the rotation sheet, I’m the captain on this route.

Sully: [talking to the management] Tower, this is American 809. Looks like we got ity-bity typo on our rotation sheet. Can you confirm our captain roster please?

Male voice: Copy 809, we have captain Doug, um, Hubbard as first in command.

Sully: Um, tower, this is American 809, I’m Sully.

Male voice: Come again, 809?

Sully: I am Sully. Sully. Miracle on the Hudson? So?

Male voice: Copy. You haven’t flown in a while Sullenberger. So, FAA requires 18 hours as second in command. You will be assisting captain Hubbard today.

Sully: Well, to-to-tower? Tower? Well, right!

[Sully leaves the seat for Hubbard. they seat in their seats. Sully is very disappointed.]

Hubbard: Tower, this is 809. We’re fueled up and ready for pre-check.

Male voice: Copy that captain. We’ve got you on runway two-two.

Hubbard: Runway two-two. Copy.

Sully: Runway two-two. Copy.

[Hubbard looks at Sully]

You know, your wind-speed isn’t set yet?

Hubbard: Well, I was about to.

Sully: Okay. [silence for a moment] Yep! I’ll never forget that day.

Hubbard: Yeah, crazy. [Talking to the passengers] Good morning, folks. This is your captain.

Sully: And I am Sully.

Hubbard: It should be a pretty smooth ride today.

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https://snltranscripts.jt.org/06/06qunder.phtml

[walking into a convenience store] Whoo! What a hard day at the office! How was your job at the factory?

Hard and long. Long day down at the factory, where I've worked for years.

How long has it been?

Oh me, down at the factory? I'd have to say six, seven years.

Since you were eighteen?

That's right, and I'm 24 now, so that makes six years down at the factory, working.

Wow! [grabs case of beer from shelf] I'm still one year older than you, [hands case of beer to Factory Worker] so that makes me 25. [grabs another case of beer and starts walking up to the cashier with Factory Worker].

We're a couple of old timers. Hello, my man, looks like we'll be having these two old cases of beer today.

You guys got some I.D.?

You bet. [starts looking in pockets, you know he is obviously faking it] Oh, shoot. I just remembered something. I was on the golf course this morning with some business associates and we were exchanging business cards and I must have given one of the guys my driver's license by mistake. It's a true story, or else how could I have these three business cards from real businesses? [fans out three cards in front of cashier's face] I ask you that. [sets cards on counter]

It's not a problem as long as one of you guys has an I.D.

Uh, that would be my department. [Starts rustling his pockets and pulls out wallet] Yeah, there it is, hold on just a second. I got it renewed a couple of days ago. Oh! It was here and now it's gone. Oh shoot. I guess one of the kids must have stolen it again. They think it's a toy.

How old are those little guys now?

Well, I got a 7, got a 6 year old, and I got a 3 year old. One of them must have gotten in my wallet and grabbed my I.D. [slaps Businessman's shoulder] You know what, I bet it was Kevin.

Oh, that Kevin! Always up to no good. Anyways, we should just get these beers and get on out of here.

Yes indeed, time to settle up.

Oh, do you need any smokes?

Oh no, I got plenty of smokes at the other store where we were just at five minutes ago.

Oh, where we bought the other cases of beer!

That's the one! Listen to us go on about all the cases of beer we buy all the time.

So anyways, how much do we owe you, partner?

Yeah, I still need to see some I.D. [pulls beer toward him] [Police enters store]

Good work, guy! You passed the test!

What are you talking about?

I'm Agent Parker with the ATF. Agent Ron Harris and Pat Richards here work for the ATF and we've been running sting operations trying to catch store clerks selling alcohol to underage kids.

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