not sure if I'll get through this video or if I even want to make a video right now but feeling the after-effects from days past I'm definitely feeling the energy of it all it feels like so-called anxiety just feel like it's really interesting how it was brought into consciousness it's like it's there for sure it's definitely disc it's definitely uncomfortable it definitely feels physical it doesn't feel like it's being transformed into any kind of thought form it's possible because I've been practicing seeing any thought form as a snake and although I wasn't doing that in those few days of desire now it feels like that energy remains but there's no real thoughts like I don't know it's difficult to describe I wonder what that sensation is trying to tell me cuz it's pretty strong it feels like oh I don't know if I can work if it doesn't go away so I don't know if it's related to those few days of desire or if it's related to work or both or if going into that desire state since it was very strong energy that energy is now being transferred to the desire to not want to do the job that I have so it's almost like this energy is going to get to the point where I can't do it because I was thinking that sometimes I stay in jobs too long and then I something happens and I'm like why should have left and i'm feeling like that and I even said that to a friend yesterday and when I said it out loud I really heard myself say it I really heard it and I was like whoa like that is premonition if I don't listen then I don't know maybe the anxiety feeling is sort of that I want it to be giving towards someone and now I won't have that opportunity plus I did this trauma release exercise called tre and I bought the app and after and before I did it I felt sort of I don't know how to describe it may be a little bit all over the place and now after I did the tre I feel more like the sensation the energy is localized like right in my stomach what's strong but it's not super it's not it's not unmanageable I guess though it might make it harder to sleep so I might take something to help me sleep or something about how when I was in the psych ward April they they trapped me they drop me gave me drugs that I didn't want I didn't ask for and then they wouldn't let me go it's like a similar thing being repeated and I was just thinking today about how so many people are so over medicated and just like medicated into such a a dull life yet some people are are kind of happy with that because they're not may be super symptomatic but they're not they're not symptomatic of living a thriving life either people put on pills they gain weight they get other chronic illnesses and I just want to help people not have to go on those bats in the first place because so many people when they get on them they don't get off and then there's those 25 lost years it's really shitty it's really bad I called the EMP people the true hope people Ian Power Plus and they said that it would take a couple months to get off lithium he said let theam is one of the easiest ones to get off of in terms of withdrawal effects I wish I could do that now like I want to if I eliminate the stress of that job then I add in the stress of not having ton of money I think it's just a matter of investing my energy in the wrong direction Krishnamurti said something to talk about knowing how to cooperate and knowing how not to cooperate I guess I feel like like mental health is just something I don't want to cooperate with any more sorry done playing that game I feel like to i need to be in a situation where i can be loved where i can be loving when happy and joyful it's not really the scenario of mental health just makes me kind of angry and I don't feel I don't feel angry really it's more like operating at the level of anger because it's just stuff that angers me but I don't necessarily feel anger but still they are energetically I have been having a lot of insights today one thing I thought of is that I could just make videos for the next couple months until i leave i probably could talk the whole time and I also wondered if talking myself on video afterwards I edit the video so I sort of have been staring at myself on the screen for hours upon end and wondering if it helps a little bit with preventing dissociation in a way because I really see myself I see myself talking I see myself on the screen whereas normally I would just see myself in the mirror in the morning and that's about it some wondering if that could help a little bit with remaining myself and not necessarily dissociating maybe another benefit of self dialogue but I don't know yeah I don't think I'm gonna be able to talk about stuff today it terms of stuff I wrote down that's okay I did want a video tape if there were any difficult times two I don't actually mind that sensation of anxiety I might try some coherence breathing I have an app called coherence something and a chest strap and then you'd breathe a certain way and then one breathes coherently it's supposed to be good I guess it would be a good time to try it because I'm actually feeling the sensations of dis dress and the past one have been triggered into psychosis or dissociation sort of like past memories come back and and they lack ech fork sensation as dr. Daniel Siegel would say and I am having some sort of memory stuff come up but I'm seeing that it's from the past for sure so it's not necessarily just the terror it's just the memory as opposed to it's just the it's not just the terror it's actually the memory so I think it'd be better to have memory and anxiety versus just terror with no memory and then just feeling terrified I should go see one of my friends and see what they've done to her she's in the psych ward that might actually be like it telltale sign to me see if they're actually helping her that might be the final straw with regards to working mental health remember when I was first diagnosed I didn't believe the diagnosis I didn't think that was it but I sort of decided to go along with it because I didn't really see any other option like there wasn't really any other choice but to go along with it and accept all the help as if it were true and I did believe it to be true to some extent but now I just feel like I don't want to go along with it anymore maybe it's because it's like my chance to get out of it but yet I'm staying in it thinking I can help when I don't think I can help

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