I think it's time to inject some personal stuff into this context creation only just in general though because I'm not really ready to get particular but what happened lately was that Mets on that I was interested in more than just a friend and it felt like this energy was taking me over like this strong desire that I haven't really experienced in awhile which could be med related or just I don't generally get myself into those situations but I felt myself getting way ahead of myself for sure and then the thing was that I felt like I needed to know if the person felt the same way and it was so strong and and then we met up again and it was just really indicative by their behavior that there was that kind of connection which is not really anybody's fault if it's not there it's not there so I feel a lot better today because we met up another town recently and I was sort of noticing the disconnection and it made me feel uncomfortable because I wanted to be connected and then in the space between that meeting and the next one I sort of determined well I'm going to find out if there's a connection or not for for sure and so I did certain things that was sort of like testing out the connection and and there was no connection and so when I got home I felt very maybe I guess like disappointed in myself for getting ahead of myself and it was pretty uncomfortable and then today I feel a lot better because i feel like well i know that there's no connection so I can move on where is the time the days in between the two meetings I didn't really know and I was wanting to know and I was sort of disappointed in myself for not knowing for sure that other time and then in the time have been between I was quite uncomfortable and it's not really disappointed in myself I'm just I'm trying to take a responsibility I'm trying to have a word that takes responsibility for my feelings because it's not the other person's fault for not feeling that sort of connection and so I'm not sure if we'll hang out again or not cuz I'm not really sure what was happening and and that's okay too it's not the first time that's happened it won't be the last but in the days in between it was really strange I was I had these sensations and these energies going through me like actually like physical pain like I had this like burning sensation in my body and all these different painful sensations that almost reminded me of so-called psychosis sometimes our so-called anxiety but really extreme and it felt like my whole body and DNA energy and entropy was just being reorganized and I wasn't sure if it was being reorganized to be more open to being vulnerable with a person or it also reminded me of a time when I felt really strongly connected to someone about six years ago and it didn't really end well I just remember how strongly I was attracted to this person and and it ended in such a way it was only a friendship but it ended in such a way that I never really processed those strong feelings I just sort of was like wow this isn't something that I can continue with it all and just like dropped it and actually never really thought about it another second in terms of that person and it almost felt like I was back in those last moments of hanging out with that person actually think i saw them one more time but it felt like some of the fallout from that it felt like maybe i was taken back to processing some of that and there was a lot of pain so it was really what I sort of realized was that pleasure as desire really is pain because I was feeling strong desire and then I was feeling really strong painful so called anxiety and actually body pain and physical pain to the point where I had to take PRN to sleep and I haven't taken that pure in for a couple of days just to make sure I get rest and and so it just really showed me that that pleasure is pain because and that desire [Music] it felt like my body was starting to make those biomolecules of that strong desire and then it was sort of transmuted into this very strong pain when I realized that it wasn't going to happen and I probably already knew it wasn't going to happen but um it's just really interesting the withdrawal from that internally create a desire and that internally created image-making where I was projecting things that I would want and so I feel like I've learned a lot in terms of that because so strong i'd be willing to drop almost everything for it yet it was just a state that i was creating within myself and i felt very similar to psychosis it felt conflicted it fell because i know in some of this very strongest moments of so-called psychosis that I've ever experienced I remember being an extreme body pain extreme terror extreme distress yet at the same time I was turned on and I thought it was really strange it was almost like the highest energies to the lowest in the body and in the mind yeah so i'm not sure what i'm talking about button and i feel like this will be translated into more action because i have to start making decisions about leaving for California which I pretty much decided i'm going to do unless I change my mind back to not going to California I just have to figure some stuff out with work because my one job I could stay here until about march in order to finish off some work or I could just not do that work and go but it could be good to have that little bit of extra money but we'll see what happens I think it's sort of better to stay out of the realm of desire whether it's a person or an object that was some really strong energy in my body was really intense but it could have been a type of recalibration as well I can still feel some of the pain in my body and I was thinking about California in terms of how it'll make better videos too so if I just stay here I'll just be talking to myself like this and by going to California at least I'll be changing things within the next two months or so a personal desire for a person is it's different than remaining worldcentric maybe that's one of the reasons why i was so painful is because it's sort of against my neurology and against my DNA it's showing me strongly that's the wrong direction and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it per se it just might not really be my life path and I've been doing a little bit of writing lately and I think I got some pretty decent stuff it's just a matter of going through it try to stay somewhat organized with it but it gets a little bit mixed up because I just have a long running list of things that sort of pop up in my mind screen and for those days that i was in that other state of like freaking out emotionally didn't really have any insight so I think that emotionalism gets in the way from the insight and the learning that is innately fulfilling I think my dopamine circus we're trying to come back online and they are just creating a lot of pain they didn't really know what was what we're pretty good at fine-tuning what's pleasure in what Spain and what is what for each of us subjectively but I feel like when we're decoupled from that and that tries to come back online it just starts creating all this pain and wildly and all this other sort of desire and pleasure wildly and it just just feels like so called psychosis almost not really sure how long I'll use this stick thing it seems okay it seems I really like this mic thing looks too official but at least I can lay here like this I'm in a different room where there's less traffic noise I just finished my Christmas shopping on Amazon Prime thank you amazon prime I think it'd be cool to have a group that normalizes and extraordinaires similar to hearing voices but not everybody hears voices for their version of having a special message special message could just mean intuition and the thing too with that is even normal people have intuition and special messages and synchronicities and extraordinary experiences so to get that group of people talking to would be really cool I thought of the term psycho trans consciousness instead of psychopathology I wonder if one could study the neuro electricity and neurophysiology of brain metamorphosis of the imaginal neurons of the brain and I was thinking about how trans conscious people might still choose to act in the old ways of consciousness just like somebody who is a lesbian might choose to still sleep with men because it's sort of the assumed and dominant paradigm of being a woman is to be a straight woman even though one might not be one and so it might be the most convenient way to acquire touch and some of the natural human needs that we have so it's more just socially available doesn't mean that it's necessarily one's preferred mode of operating and I also thought of how trans conscious people are already wearing augmented reality glasses we just can't see them we already have augmented reality capacity within us it's an eight but it's been programmed out of this we've been programmed into such a narrow band that then we think we need a mint a'dreea tea and then the universe comes in and augments our reality for us and said get with the program that reality is already pretty augmented we've just been suppressed into such a narrow band of seeing and perceiving and I feel we can get there experientially and with gestures I was thinking about gestures in terms of i was watching this talk about the placebo effect and how a person taking a pill they feel like they're going to get better so they do get better well taking a pill is a gesture it's given as a gesture by say a doctor and the pill itself is sort of a symbol it's an item of gesture and then the act of taking the pill the swallowing is a gesture so it's sort of that gesture of connection and then we think well it's the pill that does the trick while all these other kind human gestures also heal and since we are so disconnected in all the natural human gestures of say handshake or hug or looking somebody in the eyes then we have to go to a professional to have the gesture of a pill so we think we're actually going to heal when we're lacking in so many natural human gestures and that's why we need the gesture of a pill so they often talk about what's the care the doctor cares well the doctor might not actually care because it's a study so it's more and they talk about the belief that somebody will be helped by this what we do definitely believe it because the doctor is sort of a level of authority but if we're missing say 99 percent of the kind gestures in humanity and then we take this one gesture of a doctor to be the one that's going to heal well if we just all act more kindly with those kind gestures and we won't need a certain percentage of people didn't need to go to doctors for all of these ailments and I was thinking again about the analogy of the butterfly and how a caterpillar and a butterfly they both eat they both poop but still the caterpillar and the butterfly have different functions within the ecosystem so I feel like a person that goes through trans consciousness and becomes trans conscious they need to fulfill that different function within the human ecosystem within the human nervous system within the collective human nervous system so a butterfly is going to eat different food it's going to eat a different diet and as a result it's going to change the ecosystem in a different way so in the same way people that are trans conscious will be looking and perceiving and having that what if I is going to have a different effect on the ecosystem some of these are a bit random but I wrote down that if we could see that we're taking a sledgehammer to our neurons we would stop it wouldn't be a matter of choice and free will it would just be dropping it as it's not beneficial at all and that's sort of what we see in map consciousness and trans consciousness I had an insight about this whole thing about critical mass and i was thinking about how it's not necessarily that five percent of us have to sort of wake up to these other consciousness though that might be true i actually feel like it has to do with that the five percent of the brain that we do use now actually has to shut off because a lot of that is to do with the noise of the prefrontal cortex so five percent is actually talking about how we need to shut off that and map consciousness comes in and deactivates that and when it does then we're already in that other world and when we're in that other world we're creating with and as that of the world so it's not a matter of waiting for other people to get to that five percent or whatever it's that each of us must deactivate that five percent to go into map consciousness and make new maps and people are dipping in and out of that all the time mania is critical mass reversal it shuts off the five percent that is a waste of energy and it's almost like this five percent of energy that is a waste of energy is the noise getting in the way of total energy and when the noise shuts off then the ninety-five percent of our brain circuits can be used and it might actually be something that is invisible that can't necessarily be measured that's happening the brain that can't really be measured because it's something beyond thought and and how do you measure something beyond thought with thought and memory as in personal or societal memory is the appoint or of meaning so it's re cog nizon its recognition it's not actually cognition cognition is recognition it's regurgitating old information and I think I talked about this before and I wonder if there's only so much we can recognize I wonder if it has something to do with five percent as sort of like that's our working re memory so using memories constantly to organize what we're seeing in the here now and that sort of our aperture that's our reality tunnel that's our worldview and it's pretty narrow but it could be necessary as a protection from information overload wonder why our nervous system can only handle five percent I wonder why our nervous systems have been programmed to only handle five percent we're almost like five percent human beings I wrote that the circuits for desire crowd out the other human capacities and I probably wrote that a while ago maybe I was writing that when I was experiencing that whole desire stuff but it definitely crowded out everything else I'm it's interesting that's not necessarily my default state but i can still definitely go back there and it's not about suppressing desire it's it was an opportunity for me to see and learn about desire and I feel like part of what map consciousness does is it comes in and crowds out all the overgrown desire circuits it could even be that they say we use five percent of our brain because we're not using all those other capacities and it could be almost like desire has infected the whole brain so it's sort of like a marbling of scar tissue throughout the brain this whole desire complex when maybe it's supposed to be just like one little part of the brain but it's like all in the brain and it's like stopping all the other proper functions from arising and giving us that richness and complexity that we need in order to not feel like we need to desire so we're desiring and desiring and we're desiring just a very narrow band of things and then by desiring a narrow band we're not experiencing the complexity of what we would experience if we weren't desiring such a narrow band and then we wouldn't need to desire because we'd be experiencing the richness so it's kind of like this thing that's happened is like this one faculty has taken over the whole brain our attention our attention circuitry is on our desires which aren't something here now so our attention isn't on the here now I was thinking about the mystery and how the mystery wants us to talk about it it wants us to talk about it as mystery not as science science is for the very limited number of scientists and then they tell us what to think and then that makes life not mysterious so we don't really talk too much about the mysteries of life and I feel talking about the mysteries of life is it's a state of surrender it's a state of let go it's a state of wonder it's a state of awe is just talking and wondering and being curious and not really having to grasp onto anything at all and I wonder why we aren't talking to each other in this way the normal process of science is to have one idea or hypothesis and then design an experiment to prove it when we could be thinking of infinite hypotheses each just by talking openly and wondering and not necessarily having to prove anything per se but by having these sorts of conversations then things will unfold in the dialogue of life instead of unfolding as science is saying that it should and I'm not saying there's no place for science i'm just wondering why we're not talking more about the mystery of life too and anyone can do that you don't need a degree for that and i feel like because we're not talking about it eventually comes out in our behavior it's like a pile up of the mystery not talked about gets acted out and then we're mystified by somebody's behavior and then we put them through some kind of scientific protocol to get them back into their normal way of being when it's pretty it seems natural that some people are going to break out of one so-called normal way of being and relating the universe wants us to relate in a different way wants us to relate about the mystery but then we demystify the mystery of somebody acting out of character by just popping pills and when it comes out in behavior the universe wants us to talk about the mysteries of consciousness like wow this person's consciousness changed from their regular motive operating and look at how this changed behavior but we don't relate about the mystery we talk about the person's behavior we're actually missing the root the change in consciousness and it's not okay for one to change one's consciousness I was talking to one of my friends and I said something like I'm a mystery I'm fascinated by myself because of all this so-called psychosis and things just infinitely mysterious and she said I'm not fascinated by myself and it's the way she said it sounded really funny kind of had to be

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.

See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.