I got an email with some tips in it. And one of the tips was to know your way of sabotaging yourself. And I thought it was kind of funny because the other day I decided that I really need to start consciously sabotaging myself sabotaging the whole life that I've built in preparation for taking off to California for a little while. And part of it's because it seems like this bipolar energy wants to destroy it was experiencing a lot of so called anxiety around my job. And then something else happened that gave me more anxiety on top of the job thing, and, and I feel like that something else happening was actually to give me more anxiety in order to see that the path I was headed down wasn't good, because I hadn't really been able to see that. And it also showed me some of my weaknesses. And so I have been feeling a lot of energy going through my body, and some of it has been quite painful. So I can't really say that it's fun. And I also feel though, that by not really labeling it bad or good. If I've labeled it bad, it's going to make it it's going to make it worse, or it's going to make it fearful. And that's when I feel like it's possible that those other fearful thoughts and associations can come in. So I've just been sitting with it in terms of the feeling of the energy of it. And not really making up any stories about it. So it passes. And then it comes back. Today I went out and I got myself some EMP. It's something that one has to be careful taking well taking psych meds because it can sort of make one overmedicated in a way. least that's what they say. Especially with lithium, and that's what I'm taking. But I figure that since I'm I used to be taking a mineral supplement, just to use it up it was like a kelp based mineral supplement. And then when I ran out of that I was taking some minerals in the form of Sheila G, which is that black tar looking stuff. And I would just put it in my yerba Mattei a tea. And I ran out of that. And since then I haven't had like a multi mineral of any kind of had. I do take zinc and magnesium. But I haven't had a broad spectrum supplement. And they're in pretty small doses. But since I've been experiencing so called symptoms, then I would think that my medication isn't really quite working to its full degree because the stress I've experienced is extra stress. So that's why I'm going to take this just one a day. I also had to research today, psych wards in California to be prepared if that happens when I'm in California, and would probably cost me close to 10 grand. So I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. But at the same time, I don't think it will. So I'm willing to take that risk. I was wanting to drive down there in my old car but my family is really not liking that idea because it'll be winter time. So I have to figure out if I'll just take a train or a plane and try and get a car down there something because I don't really want to be in the sort of secluded area I'll be in without a car. Today I also took back my sharps container had a big container of used syringes because I used to inject b 12 until I found out that that wasn't the best kind of B 12 for me My naturopath, I did that DNA test through 23andme. And he told me to take the other kind of B 12, which is hydroxy b 12. For me, specifically, everybody's individual, of course. So it's really interesting to me whenever I think I'm doing something good for myself, but it turns out that I'm really not. And I think though that at the same time, there's somewhat of a placebo effect of if I'm doing something good for myself, or at least I think I am, then maybe it does some good because at least, I'm attempting to care about myself. And the placebo, I feel a lot of it is actually the underlying gesture of love and caring that is what causes the positive change, not necessarily what is in the pill, or what is done in surgery. So if there was any kind of bad effect from actually doing that to myself, it's possible, it was partly negated by the fact that I thought I was doing something good for myself. Unlike something like smoking, one can never think that this is good for me, when less than one thing since good for them emotionally, who knows, like people might even be able to negate that. So. So yeah, I got rid of that sharps container, because I won't be injecting any more of that. So be interesting to see if I feel any better than I have in the last two weeks or so on this EMP, because that's really, my goal is to transcend the need for the mental health system. I think it's partly been a good experience, feeling this inner turmoil and being able to stay in order as Tom Wooten would say. Because it's sort of like practicing having that turmoil and, and it not getting to a point where it's spirals out of control. And I was thinking about my past experience in psychosis and how, when I think about it, I, I look back and I say, I remember that I thought, XYZ. I thought I was being framed for murder, I thought this or that, and and I believed those things. So there's this process of thinking something and believing it. But I feel like there's something to the fact that most people would probably say, I thought, this, or I thought that. And what I'm trying to point out is that it's not about this or that. It's about I thought it was just a thought. And so normally, we're always thinking about stuff, and we don't take it to be disorderly, we actually take it to be part of our life. And then when that process extends further outside the field of what is okay to believe, then it's called pathological but we're believing thoughts all the time that have no relevance right now and aren't actually facts. So we take those thoughts that are classified as hallucinations or delusions and and there's something we believed we didn't believe them, then it wouldn't necessarily be a hallucination or delusion. It would just be a passing Daydream or fantasy or or idea or something like that. But I feel I talked about before that it's thought in general, it's not necessarily some thoughts are good and some thoughts are bad. It's it's the process of thinking itself that has no real basis in reality at all. And if we knew that from the start, then maybe we wouldn't even believe our regular thoughts. And then we wouldn't even really have that kind of process going that could get out of hand. And if it did, we would see well That's strange. Like that was just a thought. And also that thought, isn't love. Thought isn't part of the state of love and Krishna Marie would say negate all of that, which is not love and love will be. It's not like we can actually try to do something in order for love to be there in terms of a state of love. So I have to consciously self sabotage myself out of the system. And out of the place that I live, and listen to a talk this morning by Dr. mercola. And it was an interview he was doing with another doctor. And he was talking about heart disease and heart attacks. And how, as not much to do with the whole plaque thing. But he was talking about how blood flows through the body, not by the pumping action of the heart. But by the fact that the walls of the arteries and capillaries and things are negatively charged, and then the blood is positively charged. And that difference in charge is actually what creates most of the whole flow of the blood. And he said, what actually charges the vessels of the blood are sunlight, and earthing or contact with the earth as well as human touch. So putting hands on somebody else. And I thought that was really interesting, because I have studied before how everything is really good because we absorb electrons through our feet. And the electrons are used preferentially as antioxidants as well in redox reactions. So that's how the body detoxifies things. So this is another level of the importance of that, in that we absorbed the electrons and that helps to charge our blood vessels in order for blood to flow properly. And I was wondering, in terms of mental health, like Can, can blood properly even get to the brain and through the brain and everything if we don't have the proper charge in our body, if we don't have electrons from the sun and from the earth. And it could have something to do with the whole seasonal affective disorder thing, too. I remember a time years ago, I was I had this chronic fatigue like syndrome thing, and I felt really terrible. And then I went to California for a weekend or something. And I felt almost normal there. And it could have been just being connected to the earth and getting a lot of sunshine that it helps the blood move in the body. So I would have to do a lot more reading on that topic to really understand it fully. But I feel like it also applies globally in terms of how we're damming up all the rivers and the rivers are like the capillaries of the earth. And water flow is what sort of circulates electrons as well. So we're doing it on a global scale. And we're doing it to ourselves, just on an individual level as well. And I was thinking, well, this gives me even more reason to go to California because there's sun there and I can go barefoot whereas right now here, there's snow on the ground. And I was thinking about the term projection because I was thinking about the mind screen and how our mind screen isn't blank. And we're sort of super imposing our own projections over that. And I think that's part of the whole laser light of our AI process. It's not actually empty, it's not silent, our eyes aren't silent. So we're projecting our words outwards as well. And we don't even really know it because we can't see that we're doing it but we are doing it. And we often hear about things like having a silent mind. And I just wonder if we can have silent eyes. Are we looking with silent eyes that makes it a little bit perhaps easier to grasp? Like when I look at this box on the floor, is it Am I looking with all this noisy words coming out of my eyes or am I letting that come to me because If my eyes are silent, that information can come to me and sort of tell me a story. Whereas if I'm putting my story on to things, and that's preventing me from really seeing. And I feel the process of map consciousness is trying to get brains to think with other brains. And that's why the experience is very similar a lot of the time. And it's trying to get universes to think together, because we're each a separate universe. It came across this video of me skating on rollerblades. When I was in mania the very first time and I could skate in ways that I'd never skated before, I never thought to escape that way. I didn't even know I could skate that way. And so I was thinking that that mania is actually closer to our innate ability that we don't even know we have, because we probably never even thought to try to do that. So I, part of it is that we get more creative with ourselves. We become creative with ourself. And it just makes me think of that, saying, I am what I was looking for. And how can we find herself in that wave, we're always talking about something else. In our own mind. We're not receiving ourselves with emptiness and wonder we're actually receiving ourselves with chatter. And then we think we are that chatter. And then when the chatter gets out of control one day in terms of something like so called psychosis, then we think we're crazy when maybe we're a little bit crazy to begin with, because we're busy chattering about stuff that has nothing to do with anything. And mania makes us way more sensitive to nature. When we're not chattering about abstractions, we're more sensitive to nature. And in that state of feels like nature talks to us and our own nature talks to us as well. We're hearing words of our own nature by being fully engaged. And map consciousness is like wandering consciousness. And it could perhaps wander more when we're in such a habitual routine. It eventually could wander off on us. And sometimes that happens if we do actually go on a trip or something because we come back to this habitual routine, and our consciousness decides it wants to continue to wander, like we were wandering physically. In my earlier videos, I was talking more about embodied mania. And that's part of the self sabotage processes embodying mania and getting back to that happiness for no reason, that joy for no reason. Can I have that joy for no reason? Without the reason of mania, without that actual energy there? If that energy can come and take me over, then can I create that without having to wait for it to take me over at a time? When that's not helpful? Can I design my life in such a way that I can welcome that energy and it won't really affect my life because my life is in alignment with that energy, not in alignment with with contrived habit and routine. And I don't know if it's possible, but no amount of real planning will bring that about it has to be done by sabotaging things. What if the story of my life was in such a way that my brain doesn't have to make up stories about other things as in so called hallucinations and delusions because I'm not stuck in habitual thought patterns or, or traumatic thought patterns that the brain is trying to get me to see outside of even if it's not really congruent with reality. That's the whole point. If it was congruent with reality, it would just be reality. habit and routine our love, thought is not love. Definitely had no habits or routines when I was in mania that time. People are trying to stay consistent with a bundle of thoughts and words in one's own mind that one takes to be oneself. And these hallucinations and delusions actually are trying to break us out of that habit out of that routine. Maybe that's one of the main things it's trying to do is break habit and routine is not necessarily trying to, like transport us to some better reality, or some terrifying hell, but just breaking us out of the habit and routine of thought that we're in. And it creates us to act in different ways. And some of them we might not like if we, again, try to superimpose our thoughts, structures and our preferences on it, but it's still definitely breaking us out of habit. And routine, unfortunately, often puts us in a paradigm of being medicalized because of that, but why are we not comfortable with less habit and routine and a lot of it's to do with functionality. This could be actually really important because the world is moving towards more and more mechanization of things that don't require humans to do. Like factory workers and, and even bank tellers, there's less and less banks, actual locations needed. So there's so many of these jobs that are going to be eliminated, and, and they keep talking about how a person has to be creative, and, and full of ideas, and all these things that are very hard to mechanize. And it's interesting, because the energy of mania creates a human being that is exactly what is needed, in terms of a non mechanical human being who's very creative. And all of these capacities that one has, it's pretty much how the new human being has to be. And we go into that state as a reaction to being so mechanized and turned into just a habit, just a machine basically. And so, we break out of the machinery of thought into this creative thought and and then the whole machine of society wants to dampen that energy that's, that's going through people and, and it could be seen as something that it's completely necessary. And that's actually what I was talking about with harvest ones mania is that perhaps one day, most people will be like that, because we won't actually condition people into robots in the first place, which is what happens through education and family systems. Because a lot of what happens in mania is breaking away from all one's past conditioning, and doesn't mean that everybody in mania is the same. Everybody is uniquely themselves. And they're actually very different from each other. But they have these similar capacities. So I just think it's really interesting that they talk about, oh, we need these creative people. Or that's how people are going to have to be if they're going to survive, because there's not going to be these sort of jobs that are out there right now for people. And so and even if it got to a point where the people that aren't creative, could still live, like they were fed, and they are clothed and all that they could still live, but they wouldn't have any kind of job. But society took care of them. Probably 1% of people would be all creative, and then the rest would be taken care of. But then what would be the point of life if somebody doesn't have any meaning or purpose. It could be the meaning of life to actually embody one's mania to get in alignment with that energy. That is the creative force through us.

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