you might be wondering why I'm dressed like this well this Halloween so I thought I would take a break from my regular costume of playing a mental patient in Cognito and be a cow and that's just for today and I'm still a little bit under the weather but I have an hour before I have to finish getting ready for work so I thought I would just talk feeling a tiny bit disconnected actually and and it's strange because this morning i was i was jumping on my trampoline and then I was dancing to music with my headphones in and then then I felt a bit disconnected and I feel like it's possibly because I go into this like celebration mode which is even less ego than my normal waking consciousness and even just sitting here and talking to myself on these videos there's some level of ego consciousness there but in that celebration state it's not really necessary and yet in that celebration state it's not really possible to stay in that state all the time so it's almost like going to a really good concert and when you're in the concert it's just so good and enjoying it and then when the concerts over you kind of have this little afterglow from the concert plus you have this but of sadness that it's over and I don't know if it's sadness that that states over as much as it just is a different state and there's this felt difference and it's almost like that bit of ego comes back in and it's felt as kind of like discomfort it's felt as like an intrusion almost because it was so absent for that period of time and so I just find it interesting because there was this other time that I was in total celebration mode and I found a song that I really liked and I was just so into it for like two hours and then the next day I was you know so called really depressed and I feel to it could be partly just the difference the difference in feeling of feeling nothing not feeling itself to having the self come back in and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing it's just something to notice and be aware of and if I'm aware of it in that way maybe I won't pathologize myself and think oh like I'm I'm going to be going downhill but at the same time I do need to be aware because I've talked about in other videos how I want to avoid the psych ward at all costs because of my previous experience and so right now because I feel a little bit kind of like discontent or something it feels strange I'll be even more watchful because that strangeness invites a little bit of fear and the ego is fear often so it could just be the ego trying to re-establish a groove I know the thing with mania is like a person is in that constant celebration state and they can't turn it off and when it finally does turn off a person goes through something like a psychosis and to me I just went into sort of that mini celebration stay for a short period of time maybe like half an hour and so there's like this mini calm down this mini like a little feeling like oh just like coming off a drug you know and my body was making its own inner inner neurotransmitters and things to reflect that state of celebration and when those are withdrawn through not being in that mode anymore through kind of coming back to more of a regular consciousness there's a there's a sense that that is going away so in manic consciousness or mania it's like maybe somebody's in that state for a month or longer and so the calm down is absolutely astronomical and so I just felt that I think on a mini scale and it's not necessarily a sign of illness it's just it's just the body having a different sensation from that state of celebration and then coming back to regular consciousness and people do that even in a regular basis they they feel a bit better and then the field it worse just in regular consciousness and then they try to do something to make themselves feel better well I was just doing something that made myself feel really good jumping on my trampoline and dancing listening to music and then when I stopped that those neuropeptides are withdrawn from the body and I feel a little bit of a withdrawal in a way and now that's not to say oh I need to go jump on my trampoline and dance to that music 24 7 because if I did it no longer would actually be that great because I'd be habituated to it so that celebration state is pretty you know special but i think i could probably work towards being in it more and i do want to move towards that move toward being in that state more and i don't think it's really anything different than just embodying the inner dimensions of being a human being versus embodying the inner dividing up bits of the ego which are not that so I don't think it's special I think doing that little traveling and stuff was actually just one way of being in that celebration mode just laughing and sharing and and being a certain way in daily life is also that too it doesn't have to require going to extremes to actually feel that and maybe maybe I went too far in a way in it and then maybe I'm feeling it and I'm like okay that's a little bit too far away from just how my life is designed right now and when I was when I was experiencing that I kind of had this sense that you know maybe the highest level of my life for me is actually moving towards being like a DJ or something because I'm people are celebrating and dancing and having fun not really sitting here and talking like I could sit here and talk for the next 10 years or I could be a DJ and and watch people dance and which is more powerful I think being a DJ so I feel like I'm in this phase where I want to like talk about stuff with myself but then I'll get to a point where hopefully I'm not really talking about it and I'm embodying my celebratory nature more and I still do a lot of stuff in my daily life but I'm wondering like right now I work two jobs and one of them is going to be closing up soon and I feel like I could utilize that time to move towards actually embodying some of the stuff that I'm talking about and when I was in mad at consciousness the first time I was just fully embodying that and living that way for an entire month and it did get very chaotic because it went on for two months actually and I feel like I can embody that in bursts in my life I read a study that talked about doing random acts of kindness for two hours a week in like a two-hour trunk is good for you so I could do that and and those are ways of doing it in in a controlled way because for me it could actually get out of control so i could say do too much kindness and then lose my habit routine that's required to remain employed and actually feed myself so there's a balance and and i feel maybe one day all of that will be a part of my life and I won't have the other stuff to worry about but I don't know doesn't doesn't really matter either way but I guess it's about lifestyle design and designing in happiness first which I talked about in a video somewhere or as putting happiness first because if i'm happy i'm going to do things differently in my life so if i think of happiness I'd be pretty happy if I was a DJ or producing music and I knew how to make electronic music and I was enjoying it and other stuff you know rebounding rollerblading all that fun stuff and and that's all fine and dandy but it's also about the world centricity because i could go off into my own personal happiness to more and it could even still turn out the same way in the end it might not matter all paths suppose it paths could still lead back to the same thing because it's all here now but I i came to so many my little reminder popped up and it says you have a voice reminder are you scared of showering and I noticed I'm a little bit hesitant to shower these last couple days because I feel maybe lazy or something which means I've kind of maybe overthinking things or something but I'm not afraid to shower so I'm okay but I'm still extra watchful of myself because I could take a seroquel not because I feel like oh I'm getting ill is just to slow me down like that stuff makes a person sluggish and dull and you know if I took it every day I would probably gain weight and be even more sluggish and dull and you know that dullness would be mirrored in my body in my flesh I'd be this big blob and it's sad that people are turned into that through no fault of their own but being prescribed to take it and so I could take that to slow me down not necessarily to fix any kind of like mental illness or something and that's why I say a mental patient incognito on a daily basis because I actually feel that my brain sort of computes things faster than society is designed for so there's no real place for me to go except being dulled with medications under the umbrella of being mentally ill because I recognize patterns and I recognize the pattern of humanity that is super destructive and I would probably destroy myself reacting to that because I would have no sense of self to stop me from doing that and I would be kind of like a kamikaze pilot in my own body so that's not really it's not really great I this medication kind of buys me time to see if it's almost like CF i can create my life in such a way that it's in alignment with the way my brain wants to work because my brain wants to work in a way that's not in alignment with society so I need to work towards creating my life in a way in alignment with the way my brain is going to work so for example if I'm going to have a brain that's like super weird and fast and I don't even know like I'm not saying it's better it's just different you know you could think it's actually worse because then it makes it very difficult to function in this society and then i have to take toxic medications which eventually damage my body and kill me and people take medications for for mental illness actually died 25 years earlier so this isn't necessarily a better thing it's just different so what I'm saying is that as I have 25 years less to live technically I need to move towards creating a life where actually i might buy myself more time of that 25 years that I've technically lost by being put into the mental health system and so part of lifestyle design would actually be to live somewhere quiet and right now I live on a really really busy street it's noisy you can probably hear the cars going by so somewhere quiet and peaceful which also includes not having people upstairs stomping around and having the TV going on because my brain is really sensitive to noise and also maybe being a little bit removed from society so i can put myself in it in small dosages and not get overwhelmed by it because of what i see and so right now i take medications on a daily basis but I can imagine maybe if I was in a more quiet area that's more designed for my brain then maybe I wouldn't need the medications to dull me because there wouldn't be those things that are bothering my brain like all this engine noise and and noise of society and that's the thing too about going into that celebration mode coming back here and then thinking oh I have to work today and I work tomorrow my other job and it's like this this society or this stuff that I participate in relating to the mental health system becomes less inspiring so it's kind of like Oh whereas maybe a couple days ago I was like into it and it was inspiring it's still inspiring to me but I'm just saying that with that sort of difference I might notice that it's not quite as inspiring as it is when viewed when viewed from a different level it's not quite as inspiring and there's a place in life for all levels that's for sure it could even be showing me that I would like or I have within me to move towards that and I think there's a little bit different I think there's a difference between planning to do something and and really seeing and perceiving the possibility of that unfolding so seeing the potentiality seeing what I am a seed to possibly unfold as my life and I can keep unfolding my life as society is pressuring it to unfold or I can unfold it in a way that would be congruent with my wildest dreams that I was born with as a baby so I actually heard a quote one time is that if you if you don't create your own structure you become a victim to other people's structures like other people's systems and other people's ways of being or so it's something about creating that structure and and i do want to create a structure for for people to go through their distress and also possibly go from dullness to wellness and reduce reliance on medication while staying safe of course like Safety's number one for sure and I saw the insights I had homely I've had so many insights and I write them down there's so many and I can't keep up and I don't think it really matters to talk about them per se but when I was editing a video yesterday I had this sense that the ego the ego lacks Eck Forex sensation or the ego is this field of equity and I'm probably not saying it correctly but or illustrating exactly correctly but what I'm what I was thinking was how dr. Daniel Siegel said that when we have trauma we don't encode it properly in the brain the memories aren't encoded properly in the brain so when it comes up again in the present it lacks act Forex sensation so we have sort of this weary experiencing the trauma but it's not actually happening now and we don't realize it's not happening now so we're terrified if we actually realize it wasn't happening now we wouldn't be terrified likely but it feels like it's happening now and now that's called lack of X fork sensation and what happens as the hippocampus shuts down during trauma and I believe he talked about how that's because of the high amount of cortisol so high amount of stress shuts down the hippocampus and then and then the memories aren't encoded in the brain properly and I talked about in a video how I think they're kind of they get stuck in the heart in the pattern of the heart because the heart is beating in a certain way when we're being traumatized and that's sort of vibrating and storing all those memories in our body in ourselves and they're not properly processed in our brain and so what I'm thinking is how we record hurts ego memory hurts like somebody saying something to us or something our mom said to us when we were young and to me that's just a mini trauma it's like a mini hurt it's and so if you think about it when the hippocampus you could think about it as the hippocampus not working properly still so maybe it's not completely shut down or mostly shut down like when one's is having a very traumatic experience but the hippocampus doesn't allow that memory or that happening to just pass right through it and just go into oblivion like most things that we perceive just go through us and into nothingness because we don't need to remember every tiny little bit of information so for some reason well it's mainly because we have this ego image which to me I feel is it's like it starts out as a little speck or I don't know how it starts but say it starts out as a speck this ego image and that speck got there because the hippocampus didn't let the spec go through and we keep this speck this memory and we kind of think that it has something to do with us so we think it's us and then next time something happens that is this little hurt we record it and we record it and keep it because it didn't pass through the hippocampus and go into oblivion so it again it accumulates with this little bit of the ego image so we start off with one bit and then we end up with maybe a thousand memories or something and we consider this our ego complex of something your boss said to you or something your teacher said to you or something you did that you weren't happy with and those are all things we choose to record and remember because it didn't actually just go right through and go into oblivion or and and the thing too is it can go into the brain and we we do recall this ego image thing as as past we realize and in a certain sense we realize that something that happened in the past but at the same time we don't realize that something that happened in the past because we take it as this ego me that we are so I feel that the ego complex is actually lack of X fork sensation we it didn't pass through and go oh that was passed like gone done nothing to do with the present moment so this accumulation of images that are just each mini traumas and even if it's a good memory it's still kind of a trauma because it's something we're holding on to you know it's almost like I have to hold on to this because if I don't it's not going to even out the bad stuff so it's like fear these even these happy memories are fear because we're trying to overcompensate for this bad stuff in there and we try to draw upon those to make us feel pleasure when the other ones come back and make us feel pain but again to me it's all past image thought memories which accumulate and form this ego which we think is healthy but to me it's just accumulated trauma but it's low level so we don't actually see it as trauma we see it as this is me this is something that happened to me but it's sort of accumulated trauma memory stuff and he talks about something called allostatic load which just means kind of like how much stress we've accumulated and to me the empty ego is the allostatic load it's all these little bits that we've we've accumulated like plaque like just this mold growing inside of us and then a person you know some people are more you know supposedly resilient than other and then this ego this ego is the allostatic load and then if something traumatic happens it's like boom a person is pushed over the edge because they've already accumulated so much of this allostatic load that if something happens it's like it pushes a person over the top of trauma and it's like the hippocampus is trying to deal with this allostatic load and there's nothing it can do with it now that it's this accumulated mass and so this trauma comes in and adds to that big time by the hippocampus shutting down totally it just makes the allostatic load even bigger and it it's almost like this allostatic load of the ego now has this greater fear pattern of the trauma to sort of navigate in so now this ego allostatic load has the context of this trauma happening and it's actually moving within this just complete terror and fear and this complex of memories is the thing that's afraid the body in actual space has nothing to be afraid of so it's like this image complex of allostatic load reacting to that sort of hippocampus insult of trauma that just creates more context of fear through which this ball of fear can move in and that goes along too with sort of how the ego is like this allostatic load of cortisol kind of in a way and and the cortisol it attacks the hippocampus and when they hippocampus the hippocampus doesn't allow things to pass through it records that image and when we record all these images and sounds and thoughts inside and keep them there instead of letting them pass through that ego me complex is actually in our inner field our mind screen or inside pattern-recognition area and it's clogging it up so we can't recognize patterns so when there's this eagle me allostatic load moving around and clogging that up it's harder for us to be in the actual human dimensions of for example being able to perceive truth beauty love joy celebration laughter all these things that require that our inner perception our inner quantum computer be clear it's like we have this inner quantum holographic processor that recognizes patterns that recognizes interference patterns and if if we're actually seeing in perceiving with that clean slate we're acting in a congruent way with what is out there and by acting in that congruent way with our inner quantum holographic light processor were able to unfold that which is actual because by just reacting to the ego allostatic load energy thought sound complex were not we're not acting in congruence with what's actually there where we're reacting to stuff that's going on inside that was recordings from the past so that's a thing the Eagle x.x Forex sensation we don't actually notice that the ego are just past recordings we take it to be our self because each time an image doesn't pass through the hippocampus properly we it's like it's like an injury it's like being poked each time that happens and and so the ego is just kind of like accumulated scar tissue of the things that didn't pass through that we didn't allow to pass through it we keep with us for some reason and then we allow that to damage our perception and alter how we act in reality because we're looking through those images and we're seeing those images everywhere we're superimposing those patterns of those hurts onto external reality and they don't always fit perfectly but they're close enough to resonate and make us react to those past images and we're not seeing what's really there and that's a thing too that I thought of quite a while ago was how the ego or that thought complex going on is sound and so it's almost like the ego is like the recording of those images and sounds and then by recording those images and sounds we create this image of our self with our own voice which is sound so we have this image sound version of ourselves inside ourselves supposedly supposedly reporting on what's happening but it's not actually reporting on what's happening and so if you think about that image sound ego thought complex and just imagine it was completely gone and it was just blank no sound no image now the light realm within us this processor within ask this perception the light of our perception is clean and so we can actually see and we can actually hear what's happening outside of us and see what's happening outside of us because we don't have this inner vision blocker and sound blocker going on inside of us and I actually feel that you know those image sounds those images and those sounds those recordings that we have that we allow to accumulate as allostatic load as like a complex of images and thoughts that we take to be ourselves take to be our identity those are actually creating cortisol so those are actually creating stress which damages the hippocampus which allows for more recordings to accumulate and it's difficult to let go and and so I feel that this inner sound is actually sort of stress its cortisol this voice in our head is damaging our or hippocampus it's like its brain damage the voice in our head is brain damage when we record somebody else's voice saying something to us or where they're their image saying something to us we're actually damaging our brain because it's staying in there and it's damaged because why are we choosing to record that when maybe we could just go and just record flowers the rest of our life and that's all that would be in our brain is flowers and so we're looking for these supposed dangers when if we record it that's the danger because it's going to continue to damage our brains as we're going to be looking for similar things we're going to be looking for that as that's what's going to be salient and so you know it's another person's ego and we're making their ego salient in our brain we're creating our ego based on other people's egos and when we get struck in those moments of awe and that all disappears those moments of our when that thought image is suspended temporarily so when dr. Daniel Siegel talks about trauma as being lack of Forex sensation in a way I actually feel the ego is many trauma accumulated and it's also a fork sensation that if we were able to be attentive we wouldn't record things because we would know there is a danger in recording that and we would have that awareness beyond beyond that and if we were residing in our radical subjectivity of the subjectivity of humanity of what it is to be a human being we would be residing in either Beauty truth love goodness laughter lightness and so we would see the falseness of taking something on personally by taking stuff personally we create our ego person self and I feel the ego actually damages the hippocampus with the stress and the cortisol and the stress of trying and becoming and trying to become psychologically better when everything within the realm of the ego and the psyche is of the same quality which is not a very high quality and apparently fish oil repairs the hippocampus and I feel to that if like I have a past traumatic history and if I am stressed it has a tendency to arise and it could arise when my hippocampus is being damaged in daily life and maybe it can't keep up just like if the liver is overloaded and can't keep up the reason we get intoxicated by alcohol is because the liver can't keep up with the processing if we could drink as much alcohol as we possibly could and the liver could keep up we wouldn't feel drunk so in the same way the drunkness of the trauma can arise if the hippocampus gets overloaded and I feel like that's part of how people can get mixed up with the collective unconscious too because there's personal trauma and then below that or at a different level as the trauma of humanity and I feel like we can even resonate with that if our hippocampus it could be the same sort of lack of a quarry it could be all the memories recorded in the human brain of any brain anywhere at any time J Krishnamurti says that there's only one human brain it's not separate brains and I haven't really seen the truth of that fact that he mentions but if it's true then we could have access to anything and to go with that we're actually afraid of our own recorded images so the images inside get in the way of seeing clearly that light inside of us that creates all these ego images is actually the light of perception and that's the light perception we use to to sort of take impressions of the patterns we see outside and everything we see outside of us when we look at it clearly makes this impression on our inner light quantum processor that mine screen that we have it impresses our mind screen but we're busy making up all these dramas and tales about our recorded images of our ego consciousness and so we can't see these patterns clearly the ego images are like running way too many programs on your computer at one time and then trying to do movie editing the computer is probably not going to be able to do all of it and the editing is going to be slow and choppy and going to take forever and going to get frustrated so when the mind screen inside is clear that light of perception we see and understand things differently we act differently based on the understanding and when we act through perception understanding action which pretty much happens son simultaneously we unfold a different world most of us spend our life reenacting old images in our own internal mind screen which is creating the cortisol which is damaging the hippocampus which is causing more of an accumulation which is causing more stress and by looking at those images on our mind screen and that those thoughts sounds that's what we're seeing we're seeing the past we're living in the past we're replaying the past we're doing that we can't see possibility we can't see patterns we can't understand what's happening and when we're seeing an understanding we're learning and we feel there's this self-sufficiency in that process and we don't feel dependent on so much in order to actually get through life and when we perceive from this place of seeing patterns it actually reap a turns our brain and when we're seeing patterns we're not seeing through our ego so we're not recording things that are reinforcing or ego we're just seeing what is actually there and the pattern of it so the ego is actually a perception problem it's inattention it's an avoidance strategy it's avoiding living and that's what society is designed for by seeing possibility we unfold those possibilities and we make what is possible probable and our image making process our recording process our ego has written over our quantum holographic assessor the pattern recognizer the seeing and the understanding this is the way we saw as children it's like having a child's eyes again be as a child to whatever heaven or something it's nowhere there's nowhere to go it's just a different way of seeing usually we try to learn and understand just by adding another image another memory to our eco structure I was watching a little bit of a video on intermittent fasting and very first time I went into manic consciousness I had been raw vegan for 10 months and that's kind of like fasting and then I I was unable to hold food down properly during the process too and I went down to just 90 pounds but the point is that fasting kind of gets us into that state and I think too that a lot of our food actually feeds our pleasure complex which is our ego wanting pleasure so by fasting sometimes it can actually d couple us from this reliance on pleasure because most eating is for pleasure I used to eat only for nutrition now I'm enjoying my indian food and stuff but actually recently when i was in the hospital and they're giving me a really potent toxic drug that i didn't want i actually naturally responded by just eating half of my meals and it made me a bit hungrier but i felt like by eating less it would be less toxic to my system my liver would have less food to process last food to digest less energy wasted in food and also i knew that the pill would make me hungry so by going against how I thought it was going to make me feel I was having some level of say control over the medications effects on me because if I if one of the things it does is wants me to make me gain weight and I'm not gaining weight it's not going to have the medications not going to have the same effect because I feel actually part of the effect of the medication is that we have so much more fat on o

ur body it's like an insulator for all the cellular memories that we're experiencing so all those memories that didn't pass through us through our hippocampus and just go into wherever in the brain or the Oblivion thing they're stored in our body and in our cells and when we're in distress that's sort of coming out and it's the lack of X Forex sensation because it's actually stored in the body but by making us get all fat it's sort of insulating that process I think it actually creates like kind of like the brain is made of fat it creates like a fatty brain around our whole body to sort of protect us so that's one of the ways it actually insulates us from these thought images that are coming up and that's what psychosis is like scary thoughts and images inside outside wherever it's all over the place well that's what we've been collecting our whole lives and that's the scary stuff and I actually feel like even just the ego is mini psychosis it's hallucination it's not anything that's there you know and then it gets to a certain point you know the allostatic load of the ego gets to a certain point and then it's called psychosis because someone's behaving strangely but you know a person with their little mini psychosis ego is behaving normal but if their thoughts were being projected to everyone they'd probably be arrested because what they're actually thinking is really scary probably or not very nice and so you know you can even just think of it that way like would you want somebody to hear your thoughts if not it's kind of like psychosis and I feel any level of thought in one's head is psychosis because the ego is just a thought image complex that we've built up over time through not allowing stuff to pass through us and recording it to keep it for later in order to react to what other the other images of what we think people are doing and saying based on our memories so we're not actually relating to reality whatsoever so I say the ego is psychosis and so even psychiatrists with their egos thinking have psychosis so for me if I was ever in a system again in the system again where they want to like drug me up and stuff I would probably eat way less I already have my representation agreement to protect me and my advance directive but if that didn't work for some reason I just wouldn't eat and that would help my body process that toxic garbage and not put all this fat on my body Krishnamurti talks about how thought is in action and how perception is action so actually seeing something is the doing perception is action and to me thought is in action because acting supposedly acting based on thought is re-enacting the ego is something from the past so it's not action it's it's acting re-enacting based on this image structure inside of us on our mind screen which is actually just like blinders and that's the thing only perception is necessary we don't have to do anything I think that's how how fasting can weaken the ego thought me image complex is that it's it's a decision not to indulge pleasure and I feel like when I've been in you know supposed psychosis by eating less I'm not indulging that ego structure so it's making it a little bit easier to deal with the distress that is coming up I feel like the ego was busy making like pleasure and pain molecules in the body and that's our inner reward system that's our inner Pavlov's dog the ego is just like Pavlov's dog and each time we think of something or have an image it's like when little bells ringing and we start to salivate pleasurable thoughts of the little bell and we start to salivate our little doe queen or or pleasure normal pep sides if we were actually perceiving and acting in the moment there was just be joy in being a human being there would be no need for this pleasure reward reward for escaping the moment because the moment supposedly sucks because we've moved so far off the path of perception and action I think food helps us make these pleasure molecules because we're pleased by the taste plus just the crap in it actually makes it so we want more of this pleasure molecule stuff and I feel like the brain and the body can't repair itself properly so if we're super super stressed with the cortisol attacking our hippocampus but we're using food as pleasure to sort of pacify that it's not actually making the cortisol go away it's just sort of pacifying us with this pleasure that happens at the same time so no wonder our bodies are made up more of cortisol maybe pleasure molecules dopamine whatever they are and those neural peptides are so we get angry and then we do something to pacify the anger now our bodies made up of all those neural chemical neural chemicals and neuro peptides well no wonder we can't go into that flow state with those five neuropeptide combinations combination that makes us feel flow well how can we feel flow and we're doing this ego image pleasure dopamine reaction to the Past thing and that's implying that we're reacting to the past all this biochemistry is actually us living in the past which isn't now so it's sort of an adjustment it's a contortion it's a distortion from the actuality and no wonder we're not in the field of gravity properly and we're not flowing properly the brain needs to repair itself from being hijacked by pleasure if we have clear perception we don't need pleasure and that's the thing in in those Piper perceptive states we can recognize patterns we can recognize the pattern of society and what it's doing to us as humanity what is done to us as humanity it's just an extrapolation and it's pretty obvious and if we really saw clearly we would wake up and we wouldn't participate in this anymore so society has a vested interest in keeping us blinded by our own egos we must become immune to the thought ego sound image past structure which is tied into pleasure and pain and fear actually feel that this trauma releasing exercise shakes off some of that so might fasting so I have this I have this thought today don't be yourself because who you think you are is not you we are the universe we are one self what we are is something just a common humanity and I drew another picture this is a good one so that is me and then the little ego speaking in the head and and it's telling us it's trying to be our guide and it's a really crappy guide and then there's an actual self and and the ego is collapsing crappy wave functions that aren't really real because they're collapsing inside and they're old thoughts so we're collapsing the past within us and through that we're collapsing ourselves we're not expanding into our possibility we're being engulfed by our past image recordings that we decided to record when we have our iphones now and stuff we don't choose to like take a picture of dog crap we actually take pictures of beautiful moments to remember yet our brain it has no I'm not saying we should record it all with our brain we shouldn't necessarily the equivalent of what we do is like taking a crap and every day taking a picture of our crap and like worshiping that or something and thinking that we are that piece of crap in the toilet and not only that we're actually just the picture of the piece of crap in the toilet that we took it's obvious that we're not that how can we be so blind anyways this is getting long have a great Halloween and until next time don't be yourself be the universe a few things I saw on the way to work I was thinking about how most people are sort of like in their head when they're driving because the activity of driving has become a habit it's been trained in to us and in the same way our whole lives of having come habits so when it's habitual what we're doing brushing our teeth washing our hands doing whatever it doesn't require our conscious attention it doesn't require a present so we're lost in our own fantasy world but why have we made being in this human body into a habit and then we go off into our heads into into these images and stuff of past situations instead and how can that experience be better than actual reality but since we become these habits it has become better than actual reality and then I was driving and I was listening to ABBA because they're going to be reuniting or something and then I had this memory flash in my mind where my dad picked me up from school and he was like blasting some kind of like in my mind cheesy music and I like kind of yelled at him to turn it down like because I was embarrassed it was high school and I was thinking about that and how I could have maybe responded with love and not character that happened but then it just popped in my head that maybe since my brain doesn't operate in that ego image realm all the time though memories do flash in my consciousness but I'm not operating in past memory stuff all the time I was wondering if it's almost like a life review during my life I wonder if my life will sort of flash before my eyes throughout my life instead of having what some people experience at the end of their life which is seeing their whole life flash before their eyes and then when that happens they're like wow I barely lived life because I lived in all these images but since I'm living in actual reality I just have mostly actual reality and and I have little flashes of memories and and so it just made me think that most people live in their memories all the time and their ego like when they're driving when they're washing their hands anything they do habitually and they're not actually here present and only in being here present are we able to not record images and not not live in those images only in the present moment the images and the memories and the past urges are dividing us from the present moment they're creating a false division because we're not actually divided from the present moment and i also thought what i was talking about with the going into celebration consciousness and coming back I feel like sometimes too when I see something very clearly when I perceived something and understand it part of my ego or part of myself actually has to die part of this image domain has to die and those images dying feels kind of strange and also too and I was driving I was thinking about if I ever become a music producer something i'll create a song saying this is not a recording this this life is not a recording it's not the images we've recorded in our head kind of like a play on the answering machine thing used to have this is recording

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