In this episode, I cover my experience with bulimia through exercise, and how, at a certain point, exercise can become deadly while chasing an unsustainable and unhealthy body image. I talk about tips and philosophies that I have learned in my own continuing education and therapy that have greatly helped in 1.) finding my footing in my recovery 2.) fighting for myself without fighting against myself, and 3.) knowing my worth is not determined by how grueling the workout was.

Welcome back to the podcast! In today's episode, during Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I touch on, as the title implies, what an eating disorder is to me. I cover the tribulations that come with it and why it is so important to meet yourself with patience and understanding rather than self loathing and finite willpower.

this episode contains explicit content

In this episode, the focus is on a snapshot of my time with my binge eating disorder. At its worst, I am bed bound by massive depressive episodes and a want for life's cessation. I am lost within myself with no directions back to myself. At its worst, my B.E.D. feels like a black cloak reaper inhabiting the sky blue with its blackened infection. But as is the journey of growth, I also focus on the mileage I have put between where I was and where I am now within my recovery, sharing some (hopefully) helpful insights along the way. The path isn't about getting pricked by the thorns along the way, it's about looking back and seeing the blossomed garden you've cultivated with your blood, sweat, tears, and fortitude to fight for yourself.

This episode contains explicit content

Today's episode covers what gratification and fulfillment are as well as what they are not while navigating this whole sphere of existence. Often we as humans use short term, fleeting gratification to fill the voids of places where we've been hurt, and those voids turn into vices.

We don't grow, and we don't learn to cope through dulling ourselves from those wounds. Gratification can feel great in the moment, but if it leaves you feeling empty afterwards, then we never give ourselves a chance to reach fulfillment.

Today's episode covers ways I have used to find my own sense of fulfillment, ways I have helped my clients reach that state, and ways in which I use to remind myself from time to time (okay, you got me, daily) that giving into my vices (eating disorders, compulsive movement, over exercise) will only ever take from me without ever giving back.

This episode contains explicit content

In this episode I delve into what it is to truly accept and surrender to the present. Many times we find ourselves, myself included, fighting with both past and future versions of who we are that have either already come to pass, or are not even here yet. This creates a friction and a contention within us, and if we're so focused who we are not, then we cannot focus on building up who we are. There will be slip ups, and there will be contention, but if we can learn to accept ourselves in the present, than we allow ourselves to grow. We allow ourselves, dare I say it, to blossom where we bleed.

This episode contains explicit content

Everyone has their origin story. Batman, Captain America, Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones, you, me, the mailman, etc. This episode focuses on my own origin story and how both of my binge eating disorder and bulimia through exercise took root inside of me. It touches on my journey from childhood, my high school struggles with bullying, my young adulthood with overexercise, to finally seeking help within my recovery and finding sturdy footing which is where I find myself in the present.

This is my origin of working as a personal trainer and nutrition coach in an industry that only exacerbates the very issues I work to fight against.

Don't forget to check out my book of poetry, "To My Eating Disorder" on Amazon!

This episodes contains explicit content regarding language and subject matter