Boundaries Queen

If you tuned in to the previous episode, you already know the basics of my 6-step boundaries clarifying process. To get beyond the basics, I’m going to do a series of six episodes, one for each step of the process—and this is the first of that series. 

Today, I’ll explore the first step of the process, which involves getting very clear about the problem. You’ll hear me say this several times in the episode, but one of the biggest things I want you to take away from listening is that you need to focus on one specific event or incident, not an ongoing pattern.

One final note: as you work through this 6-step process, keep in mind that boundaries work the same way in all adult-to-adult relationships. You might make different decisions based on who the other person involved is, but the process itself is the same regardless of the other person’s relationship to you.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #7:

• In this process, you can’t focus on a pattern of behavior or a repeated situation. Step 1, today’s topic, is all about getting clear on the problem and identifying a specific situation instead of a pattern (yes, even if it’s hard to focus on just one incident!).

• There are various signs that suggest you may need a boundary without realizing it. These include encountering points of stress, feeling emotional pain, experiencing severe consequences in relationships, or being unable to resolve a disagreement.

• Pay attention to what isn’t working for you. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t working for the other person or on what they want, but it’s important to establish what you want and figure out how to honor that.

Highlights from Episode #7:

Welcome to the seventh episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! [00:31]

Victoria explains that the six-step process applies to any boundary with anyone, and doesn’t vary depending on who the other person is. [02:16]

This episode will involve various examples of situations where it might not be obvious that you need a boundary. [05:14]

Experiencing stressful situations, having arguments, or painful relationship patterns can indicate that you might need to create limits. [10:06]

We learn some guidelines that can indicate the need for a boundary. [12:22]

Victoria talks about one of the most important factors in working through step 1. [15:01]

Experiencing a severe consequence or not being able to resolve a disagreement can be a sign that you need a boundary. [18:54]

The frequency or perceived quality of sexual intimacy is a frequent area of ongoing disagreement. [22:15]

Disagreements about money can also signal a need for boundaries. [23:54]

Experiencing a broken agreement or commitment indicates that something isn’t working. Victoria gives some advice on what to do if this happens. [25:17]

We hear two pro tips for how to work your way through step 1 successfully. [27:43]

Victoria created a 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook to help you walk through the steps of this process. [31:04]

We hear a quick recap of this episode and a brief introduction to what’s coming in next week’s episode. Finally, if you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [31:26]

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies

• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon

• Victoria Priya

• Beyond Bitchy podcast

• 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook

If you’re familiar with my work or you’ve listened to my previous podcast, you might be surprised by the six steps I’m talking about now, because I’ve previously talked about a five-step process. This just proves my point that there’s always more to say about boundaries! I’ve added a new step at the beginning to help you get clear on a specific situation rather than looking at patterns before going on with the next steps.

To make these six steps clear, I’ll use a case study example throughout: an imaginary Uncle Joe stopping by your house unannounced. Come along for the journey as I talk about this scenario and how to work through it across these six steps. Once you understand how the six-step process applies to Uncle Joe, you can use this case study as an example of how to take your own situation through the boundaries clarifier process.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6:

• Instead of focusing on a pattern when you’re working on creating a new boundary, focus on a specific incident (yes, even if this is an ongoing problem that has been driving you crazy for years).

• Creating strong, healthy boundaries involves having a clear understanding of the situation and what you need from it. The 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook helps you work your way through creating a boundary that will achieve the results you need—and this episode gives you tips and insight into how to best use this workbook.

• Having these six steps in your mind will help you figure out how to face difficult situations. Once they’re fully ingrained into you, you’ll be able to walk through the process on the fly.

Highlights from Episode #6:

• Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode and recommends listening to the show in order. [00:31]
• Today’s episode is all about getting an overview of the six steps involved in identifying, creating, and maintaining boundaries. [02:55]
• Victoria lists the six steps to orient listeners before exploring each one in more depth. [07:51]
• We hear about step one in more detail with common examples. [09:05]
• There are two related pro tips for the first step: focus on one incident at a time, and don’t focus on a pattern. [12:31]
• The second step involves getting clear about your reality through three factors. [17:11]
• Victoria gives some tips for working on step two. [20:30]
• We learn how step two applies to the case study about Uncle Joe. [23:11]
• The third step is about clarifying your needs, and has two parts. Victoria also offers tips on how to work through this step. [25:58]
• In step four, you explore where your power lies before you take action. [28:54]
• Victoria offers pro tips on step four, which can be a tricky part of the process. [30:45]
• We hear about how step four works in relation to Uncle Joe. [33:35]
• Victoria shares her pro tips for step five, which is taking action to create a boundary. [36:50]
• The last step involves evaluating your results and seeing what went wrong if the process wasn’t successful. VIctoria also offers several tips for this step. [38:13]
• Victoria briefly reviews the six steps for creating boundaries. [41:20]
• Thank you for listening! If it’s before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of Victoria’s preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies. [42:12]

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries for Dummies
• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
• Victoria Priya
• Beyond Bitchy podcast
• Radiant Threefold Path Podcast Episode #20: Taking Care of Overwhelming Emotions
• 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier FREE eWorkbook

How do you know when you need to set a boundary? Sometimes it’s obvious, but sometimes it’s more challenging to know—or that you have the power and the right to set one! 

In this episode, I’ll share three signs that point to the need to set a boundary. Uncomfortable emotions, repeating stories and complaints, and even certain types of people in your life can all be signs that it’s time to set a boundary to give yourself more space, peace, and freedom. Knowing what to look for (and in the case of certain people, what to expect afterward) can help you as you move forward with your boundary work.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #5:

• We mostly think about boundaries being with other people, but you can also set boundaries with yourself, and these can be just as (or more) valuable.
• Certain emotions can indicate that you might need to set a boundary. For example, if you feel angry or overwhelmed, ask yourself if you need to set a boundary or limit to help you.
• Pay attention to persistent complaints or repeated victim stories. If you complain about the same thing or person over and over, you likely need to set a boundary.
• You may need to set a boundary if you have people in your life who tend to push back on the limits you try to set with them.

Highlights from Episode #5:

• Welcome to the fourth episode, which will help you understand when you need to set a boundary. [00:31]
• Victoria gives a clear example of a time when a boundary is obviously necessary. [02:02]
• Three categories of your experiences can point toward needing to set a boundary. [03:10]
• The first category that suggests you may need a boundary is your emotions. [04:28]
• Persistent complaints or repeated victim stories can also suggest the need for setting a boundary. [08:03]
• The third sign you might need to set a boundary involves behavior from other people in your life. [09:51]
• Victoria briefly recaps the episode, invites listeners to subscribe, and explains that if you’re listening before May 7, 2024, you can still get the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies! [12:03]

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses For Personal Boundaries For Dummies
• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
• Victoria Priya
• Pia Mellody

Boundaries—the limits you place on yourself and others—have two primary functions: protecting you and other, and defining who you are. If you’re familiar with boundaries, especially the comparison of boundaries to fences, the first function (protection) probably makes sense.

The second function may be less intuitive, but as you’ll learn today, your boundaries define who you are. In short, you’re constantly making decisions about everything from what you eat to what kind of car you drive to how you spend your time. These decisions are all boundaries, because every choice you make rules out hundreds or thousands of other choices. All of these choices demonstrate who you are and how you choose to present yourself.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4:

• There are four primary types of boundaries: physical, sexual, speaking, and listening. Of these, the listening boundary is the most difficult.
• The four main types of boundaries ultimately have two primary functions. They protect you and others, and they define you and how you present yourself to the world.

Highlights from Episode #4:

• Victoria welcomes listeners to the fourth episode, which will explore the two primary functions of boundaries. [00:31]
• We learn about the first of the two main functions of boundaries: protection. [02:57]
• The listening boundary is challenging and deserves further exploration in a future episode, but Victoria introduces it here. [05:09]
• Victoria talks about the second function of boundaries: defining who you are. [07:40]
• We hear a quick recap of the points in this episode. Please subscribe so you won't miss an episode, and if you’re listening before May 7, 2024, check out the preorder bonuses available for Personal Boundaries For Dummies! [09:18]

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies
• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
• Victoria Priya
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast
• Beyond Bitchy three-part series on the listening boundary: part 1, part 2, and part 3

Believing that you set a boundary when you actually haven’t is a common problem you'll encounter when you're learning about boundaries. This episode will help you make sure that doesn’t happen to you! Keep in mind that the boundaries I talk about are in adult-to-adult relationships; boundaries with children operate differently.

If you’re wondering whether you’ve created a boundary with another person, ask yourself this question: have you made a request, and has the other person agreed? If not, you haven’t set a boundary. Telling someone what you’d like them to do or not do, making demands, and other unilateral (one-sided) interactions don’t create boundaries. If you're uncertain, confused, or you're wondering whether you actually have a boundary, this episode is for you.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #3: Six Common Examples of What Boundaries Aren’t

1. Demands. If you make a demand of another adult, you haven’t set a boundary. You can only create a boundary by making a request and creating an agreement.
2. When you misinterpret a request as a demand.
3. When you wrongly believe that making a request is a demand.
4. Telling someone what you want them to do. Expressing your wants doesn’t create a boundary.
5. Making a request that doesn't create an agreement. If the other person doesn’t say “yes,” you don’t have an agreement.
6. The belief that your expectations create a boundary or obligation for another person.

Highlights from Episode #3:

• Welcome to the third episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! Ready to learn about how to recognize when you don’t have a boundary? [00:31]
• This episode will offer six common examples of what boundaries aren’t, so you can see when you don’t have a boundary. [02:30]
• Victoria touches on the topic of boundaries with children, and shares a piece of advice she received. [03:26]
• The first example of what boundaries aren't involves making demands instead of boundaries. [08:16]
• We hear about the second and third examples that Victoria is exploring today. [10:42]
• Telling someone what you want them to do also isn’t a boundary. [12:57]
• We hear about the fifth example, which involves not getting an agreement from the other person, and the sixth example, which revolves around expectations. [15:04]
• Victoria talks about one specific word that can tip you off that you have an expectation. [18:14]
• Remember to subscribe to keep learning about boundaries! And if you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [19:26]

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses For Personal Boundaries for Dummies
• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
• Victoria Priya
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast

If you haven’t yet explored what boundaries are, you might have a lot of misconceptions about how they work. People often think boundaries are “mean,” “harsh,” or “rigid,” but the truth is that when you understand the principles of good boundary work, they’re freeing, healthy, and protective, both for you and the people around you.

Since you’re listening to this podcast, you're probably already on a journey of understanding that boundaries aren’t a bad thing! The truth is that boundaries improve your life in endless ways, but I’ve distilled them down to six important points. In future episodes, I’ll talk more specifically about different types of boundaries (specifically the four primary types of boundaries), but for now let's look at the amazing ways boundaries improve your life.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #2: Six Ways Boundaries Improve Your Life

1. Boundaries create order. Think of waiting in line, for example, or your decisions around managing your time, energy, and finances. 
2. Boundaries protect you from other people. You make decisions and create limits around other people’s access to you (how close they can get, whether they can touch you, how much you want to share about yourself, and so on).
3. Boundaries protect other people from you. Part of being relational* is protecting other people from the worst parts of your own humanity.
4. Boundaries help you gain clarity in all your relationships by giving you information about people’s ability to respect your limits.
5. Boundaries are indispensable for practicing pleasurable self-care by creating space and limiting access to you so that you can engage in enjoyable activities.
6. Boundaries improve your communication. They help you become less reactive and less defensive, and help you make effective requests and create agreements.

Highlights from Episode #2:

• Victoria welcomes listeners to this episode, which explores how boundaries improve your life. [00:31]
• Boundaries often get a bad rap, but the reasons are more often related to the manner in which boundaries are created or set. Boundaries are working for your benefit all day every day. [03:00]
• We learn about the first way that boundaries can improve your life. [04:19]
• Boundaries can protect you from other people in a range of ways—and they can protect other people from you, too. [06:15]
• The fourth benefit of boundaries revolves around clarity. Victoria offers a specific example. [07:39]
• Victoria explains how boundaries relate to self-care. [08:56]
• The last of the six benefits of boundaries discussed in this episode revolves around communication. [10:55]
• Victoria recaps what she covered in this episode. [12:27]
• If you’re listening to this episode before May 7, 2024, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [13:45]

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies
• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon
• Victoria Priya
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast

*Relational means having a set of healthy relationship skills that includes being respectful and transparent (open), using healthy personal boundaries, and demonstrating through your behavior that no person is better than or less than another person.

If you're a listener of my original boundaries podcast, Beyond Bitchy, first I want to thank you for being a listener and second, I want to give you the backstory about Boundaries Queen.

In the summer of 2023, I received an unsolicited email from the publisher of the “For Dummies” series asking me if I'd like to write a Dummies® book about personal boundaries. The opportunity to share what I’ve learned about boundaries with an even wider audience was irresistible, and my new book, Personal Boundaries For Dummies, will be released on May 7, 2024!

Contrary to popular opinion, healthy, effective boundaries aren’t “mean” or “harsh.” Instead, they create space and freedom—in the same way that building a fence allows you to experience your backyard in peace and privacy. If you’re skeptical about the need for good boundaries, ask yourself this: what would a world without boundaries look like? How would you function without walls, schedules, deadlines, arrival or departure times, standards, or laws?

Tune in to this first episode of the new show to learn how to create peace, protection, and connection by identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy, effective boundaries. I’m thrilled that you're here, and I look forward to continuing this journey together into an even deeper appreciation and understanding of boundaries.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #1:

• You probably fall into one of three categories: you’ve recently realized that boundaries are “a thing,” or you have a pretty good grasp of boundaries but know you have more to learn, or you’re a counselor or coach working with clients who need solid information about boundaries but have struggled to find a good resource.
• Boundaries are a skill just like learning to ride a bicycle. You can learn the principles here, then take them out into the world to practice and experiment with what you’ve learned. I hope you'll go out there and make a lot of mistakes! That's the way you learn.
• As you start or improve your boundary work, you’ll encounter pushback and resistance. This is completely normal, so know that it's actually a good thing—a sign that you’re doing something different.

Highlights from Episode #1:

• Welcome to the very first episode of the Boundaries Queen Podcast! This episode will orient you to the new show and help you get started with boundaries. [00:31]
• Victoria talks about how orienting calms the nervous system, using the example of finding the perfect spot to sit in a restaurant. [01:18]
• We hear about Victoria’s thoughts on ending the Beyond Bitchy podcast, and what's happened since then that led to the launching of Boundaries Quuen. [03:03]
• Victoria talks about her new book and shares her love for helping people understand how boundaries work. She also explains the backstory for the name of this podcast. [06:43]
• Let’s talk about you and your boundaries! [09:47]
• Victoria shares some important facts about boundaries. [11:48]
• Boundaries give you space, freedom, and peace. [14:11]
• What exactly are boundaries? To illustrate the answer, Victoria explores the most fundamental ways that boundaries operate in your life. [15:51]
• We hear a short list of the benefits of boundaries (a topic Victoria will address in detail in future episodes). [18:29]
• Are you listening to this episode before May 7, 2024? If so, you can still take advantage of the preorder bonuses Victoria is offering for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. [19:53]

Links and Resources:

• Preorder bonuses for Personal Boundaries For Dummies
• Personal Boundaries For Dummies on Amazon 
• Victoria Priya
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast